Customer NonService

Okay, you know how it goes. A long day at work and pretty soon you are so hungry you could eat anything. Unfortunately, that is exactly what I did.

I stopped at one of those "sub" places. Usually, I get friendly service and the sandwich is made correctly because I am watching them make it. If they do it wrong, I can correct them immediately. On this particular day, the two girls making subs must have been new on the job. They seem to be having more trouble than is appropriate for a simple job as sandwich artist. (Artist title allows for a certain flair and means that no two sandwiches will look exactly the same.)

I ordered my sandwiches and the first girl started putting the meat on the sub buns. Good, now my stomach has stopped growling and I am instead salivating. Food is on it's way! Not too difficult, three or four pieces of salami, three or four pieces of pepperoni, and three pieces of ha...wait...where's the ham? She passes the sandwich off to the next girl; I'll call her the veggie girl because that's all she is supposed to touch with her gloved hands. (Gloved hands and their appropriate use are a whole other story!) Veggie girl confirms my cheese and I have to inform her that meat girl forgot the ham. "Oh, ok, you want ham on that?" No, I order a sandwich that normally comes with ham and gave a mental telepathy hint to leave off the ham. YES!!! I WANT HAM ON THAT! So now Veggie girl is touching meat with her "veggie only" gloved hands. (Note to health department about cross contamination.) Whatever! Gimme my sandwich; I'm starving!!

Ham is now on - planet saved from a crisis. My choice of cheese is on. Lettuce on both subs. That looks good, appetite is strong and I'm REALLY hungry. Tomatoes are on one sub and half of the other. Good. Black olives please on both subs...um...your...AAARRRGGGHHHH!!!!! I can't take it! After watching Veggie girl do it three times, I have to speak up.

"Do you know that everytime you reach for the black olives, you put your chest on the sub?"

"Oh, sorry." So Veggie girl takes her gloved hand and puts it over one breast and leans again for more black olives.

'Ok. That's enough black olives. Just wrap it up."

I paid for both subs, went home, and I ATE the breast sub. (My daughter was with me and there was NO WAY she was gonna eat it.) I was so hungry I could eat anything...and I did.

Anyone who knows me, knows that I am not opposed to returning or declining anything. Why did I take it? Why on earth would I pay, take and EAT a sandwich that had some Veggie girls dirty shirt (I don't know what was smeared all over the top of her shirt - the store doesn't have anything that even looks like that!) on it? Why? (No, the Veggie girl was NOT hot.) SO WHY?? I'll tell you why.

In this world of dumb things you must put up with, and ignorant people to endure, there are sometimes forces so grand that they cannot be overlooked. On this particular day, my hunger was a force not to be challenged. If I had to wait for Meat girl to learn to count and remember three ingredients AND THEN wait for Veggie girl to learn how to reach without putting her boobs in my food....well, I just didn't have that kind of time.

Laugh, World. Laugh if you must. Laugh because you know I had the breast sandwich and you didn't. Laugh because Dumb and Dumber got away with pitiful customer service. I didn't insist on another, sludge and nipple free sandwich. I paid for it. I took it. I ate it.

My hunger was calmed - NOT satisfied. I had consumed. I felt like I was going to vomit. For the next hour, all I could do was keep it down. There was no happy feeling of fullness, only the nauseous feeling of impending vomit to escape my lips. Oh, how I wish I had insisted on a free range sub instead of one shackled by fat, dirty boobs. Ugh.

Lesson to be learned: If the girl (or guy) making your sandwich is clean, attractive, maybe even a bit on the hot side, go ahead. Take the risk. Let them reach for your olives! If you get Veggie girl making your sub...leave. Go to another place where you don't see what they do to your food. Have a hair taco. Eat a McFloor sandwich. The hunger will be gone and you won't suffer the nauseousness from knowing what was on your food.

Happy eating and remember: It is YOUR hunger and YOUR stomach that will make the decisions! Help them choose wisely!

Have you ever used the "express self check-out" at the grocery store? You are working for that store for free. Notice that 4 people can check out at one time using this method? Replacing 4 employees with 4 people who will work for free is a clever way to save money! (Even if those people take longer to check out, who cares? It's not like they're on the clock.)

I know you have been given an empty cup with your meal order and had to get your own drink. Forget about your "free" refill (which costs them about 4 cents), you take the place of one more employee that they didn't have to interview, train, and pay benefits to. You can get your own drink; why should they pay someone to wait on you? What do you think this is a restaurant? It's fast food with the emphasis being on the 'fast buck' they make off of you.

At a certain cell phone company's store, I can make an insurance claim on my 1 damaged cell phone and pay the $50 deductible and get 1 new phone. A special offer would allow me to pay $60 and get 4 new phones. However, if I order my phones online, I will save that $60 bucks completely - 4 new phones at no cost, no customer service, and that certain cell phone company LOST an opportunity to show me more products that I might have bought! I wonder if they can hear me NOW!

These are a few ways to cut cost and are great for business bottom lines. They also are great examples of how the customer doesn't matter as long as money is gained by the business.

The next time you buy groceries, make the employees ring up your order. Relax and enjoy being waited on.

Fast food? Fine, tell them you have typhoid and would prefer not to risk infecting the whole city, so could they please attend to your drink order. (Scary thought - restaurants can test their employees for infectious diseases - no one tests the last person who got their drink from the same buttons you touched. Sorry, that's a whole other lens!)

As for the cell phone store, tell them you are deciding if you should upgrade your service with them, or let the contract run out.