It all started out at Rosalie's Good Eats Cafe
Everybody sittin', eatin' eggs and grits, chattin' in the usual way
Lucy pourin' the coffee and dishin' out the eats
Wearin' one of them flimsy, frilly white blouses with nothin' underneath.
Then--a spark flies out of Judge McCory's cigar
Lands on Lucy--and sets her blouse on fire
Just a whoosh--and she's minus the top of her dress
Well, if you read that evenin's Banner, you know the rest--
How Big Jay Wilkes, a trucker for Mountain South,
Smothered her up in his big bear arms and squeezed and put her out
Then she goes a-runnin' for the Ladies' room like a shot
But not before everybody in the place seen everything she got.

Well, the word spread just as fast as that fire did
And next mornin' the cafe's crowded with old men, young men and kids
Hootin' and hollerin', stools spinnin' 'round like this
Hopin' and prayin' to get a little glimpse of what they'd missed
But naturally, Lucy ain't givin' nobody a treat
She's buttoned up to here and blushin' like a beet
And soon's all the boys see that there ain't no show
They all leave, grumblin' how they ain't comin' back no more.

Then Rosalie takes Lucy aside, and she says, "Listen, Babe,
We're losin' money, and I see a chance to get saved
Now what if you was to. . . dress like you did yesterday
And we change the name to Rosalie's Topless Cafe?"
Well, Lucy reacts with fury and moral indignation
But they finally settle on a buck-an-hour raise and an extra week's vacation
And next mornin' she shows up au natural, as the French folks say
At the historic grand opening of Rosalie's Topless Cafe.

Talk about a hit! They're packed in and linin' up
A cover and a minimum--coffee $2 a cup
Lucy's pullin' down a thousand a week with tips and all
Workin' double shifts while startin' to bitch how
Her arches are beginning to fall.

Well, then Brenda on the night shift, she sees the tips Lucy's got
So the very next evenin' she shows up for work without no top
And two days later the cashier, Betsy Black
Come in and give Rosalie the shirt right off her back
Well, they come by the thousands to eat and drink and look
Soon Rosalie's gotta hire Fat Phyllis a second cook
"Well, I guess," says Phyllis, "y'gotta do like them Romans do,"
So she rips off her T-shirt and starts stirrin' up the stew.
But when Ed the busboy starts' enjoyin' things a little too much
She puts up a sign in the kitchen sayin' LOOK. DON'T TOUCH.
And Rosalie's payin' off her mortgage and puttin' her boy through school
Gotta hire a topless bouncer to keep things cool
And a carpark to keep up with the crowd outside
She says, "I always knew the good Lord would provide."

Then Jan at the Double J Luncheonette 'cross the street
Says "Hey, if they wanna play hardball, we got 'em beat."
So she and June put on their topless exhibition
And soon they're givin' Rosalie's stiff, stiff competition.
Well, then ol' Sam Pierce down at Pierce's Hardware Store
He repaints the sign outside his door
And the next day ol' Miz Pierce and her daughter Gayle
Are toplessly scoopin' out galvanized nails.

Then Reverend Peters says, "Folks it's a tough decision
But the Lord can't get run off by this competition."
So next Sunday therer's a topless ladies' choir in harmony
In a heartfelt rendition of Nearer My God to Thee."

Well zap!--it all takes off just like a shot
Les Willis opens his Topless Bait and Tackle Shop
And when the Farmers' Bank unveiled topless tellers
The interest rate sure went up amongst the fellers.

Well, Frank Willis hires a topless hostess at the Golden Cactus
Tom Rooney, proprietor of Tommy's Place, says that's unfair labor practice
So he sends to Milwaukee for a girl called Thirty-Eight Kate
And in less than a week he's stole half of Frank's business away.

And the tourists--they're pourin' in, honkin' and raisin' hell
Payin' $200 a night for a room at Tom's Topless Motel
Eatin' Rosalie's $4 burgers, no bun on top
Buyin' suntan lotion at our topless Stop and Shop.
Payin' $12.95 for a T-shirt from Topless Jean's
And payin' $50 for an autographed photo with Lucy,
Our original topless queen.
And Sister Rhodes says, "Our cup runneth over. We are truly blessed
'Cause they're makin' big contributions to our community chest."

Then the merchants' association of our town
Realizin' how the economy's been saggin' down
They call a meetin' and they search deep down in their souls
They take a vote and say, "Let the good times roll."

Well, soon there's a topless pharmacy and a topless shoe repair
The 4-H Club plannin' a topless county fair
There's a topless McDonald's and a topless rent-a-car
Only one hurtin' was Ed's Topless Go-Go Bar
Ed said he might as well close up and go fishin'
Or go bottomless to keep abreast of the competition.

Peter Lane says, "We all gotta do what we must
And the ones who don't have a feel for it'll just go bust"
Then Joe Hall of the Banner does an editorial:
"Let this be the binding bra's final memorial
Let our women enjoy unbridled liberation
And let our men be protected from fraud and falsification."

But Miss Agatha Baines of the Citizens for Decency
Says, " We cannot encourage these dens of iniquity
They're just tryin' to titillate the young men in this town"
And they go to Judge McCory for an order to close 'em all down
And they find him havin' a nip at Ma's Mammary Bar
Talkin' 'bout runnin' for governor and still puffin' on that big cigar

But he rules--from his stool--that "Regardless of shape, color and size
It's just an uplifting example of free enterprise
And anyone who has discouragin' words to say
Is against small business and the good ol' American way"
So Miss Agatha rips off her blouse patriotically
And yells, "Let them Japanese try to compete with these."

Well, that blows the lid off--before the week is past
We got topless gas station attendants pumpin' gas
Eileen Hobbs and her topless hot dog stand
The Lubbuc sisters in their topless moving van
Lou's Barber Shop filled with topless tourists
Gettin' topless manicures from topless manicurists
Topless majorettes in the Rotary marching band
A concert with ol' Miss Murgatroyd settin' topless at the baby grand
And the cheerleaders' team from the class of '69
All workin' the counter of the topless five-and-dime
Jim Dawson's wife runs for mayor on the topless ticket
And she was way out front -- till Jim decided to picket
Well, that opened the door for librarian Lauralene Grace
Who beat her by a nose, I tell you, it was some kind of race.

Doc Hamilton's backed up doin' implants and collagen injections
Liz Mason and her Topless Party sweep the fall elections
But some thought Jenny Hollman was a bit too crass
Showin' up topless to teach her eighth grade class
But she proved that thanks to her PhD cup
Attendance was perfect and attention was way up.

There are topless weddings and topless divorces
Topless equestrians showin' their horses
Topless druggists at the pharmacy
Topless checkout girls at the A&P
Topless gall drivin' topless cars
Topless meetings of the DAR
Topless adjusters at the Title and Trust
Topless policewomen makin' busts
Topless doctors, topless paramedics
Topless anesthesiologists givin' anesthetics
Topless joggers, topless hikers
Hitchin' rides with topless bikers
Topless brokers and CPAs
Topless mamas at the PTA
Topless lady construction workers
Topless acrobats at the Shrine circus.

So the housewives join in and soon you can see 'em all
Shoppin' topless, pushin' little topless strollers through the topless mall
Topless firefighters and meter maids
And Lucy, the queen of the Topless Day Parade
A booth in Seely Park for topless tourist information
Topless Mammorial Day celebrations
And everyone's happy, 'cept for Lola at Lola's Lingerie
She says camisoles are down, and she can't give bras away

Soon it spreads across the ocean--hear the tramp-tramp-tramp
Of topless models walking down topless ramps
Talk about decollete, we're rewriting the book
Givin' the world the revolutionary topless look
Dior's scared silly, St. Laurent's got the jitters
We got the whole damn fashion world all a-titter.

No more legislation that this must stop
Now they're trying to pass a law that you cannot wear a top
While our topless city council circulates a ballot 'round
To change our name officially to Topless Town
And every one of our citizens votes yes
Except for skinny Nancy Cobb with the flat, bony chest
So the sign gets changed to TOPLESS TOWN--POP.: 1704
'Course by the time the paint dries, there's about a thousand more
Then Matt Hanks, our stonecutter, climbs up Lookout Bluff
Says, "We'll have our own Mount Rushmore soon enough"
And he blasts and he hammers and he chisels in the proper places
And next day, there's a giant pair of--well, not exactly presidents' faces.

And the women's groups? Why, they're pleased as they can be
Because they finally got financial equality
"Equality?" screams Nancy Cobb
"Those big-busted babes now got all the jobs."
So she writes to Washington that very night
In a passionate plea for boobless rights.

The president says, "Hey, what's goin' on down there?"
Don't they know there's laws 'bout what they can and can't wear?
Have they lost all their sense of propriety?
Someone must have laced their reservoir with LSD
It's Sodom and Gomorrah--a flagrant abuse of bein' free
Showin' kids what they was never meant to see!
And if they don't defer to decency's demands
I'll have to go there myself and take the situation in hand."

Then the press gets hold of it, and Monday there's our topless queen
Dishin' out hash on the cover of Time magazine
Then Hollywood comes bangin' through our doors
Wan

I tried on the farmer's hat,
Didn't fit%u2026
A little too small - just a bit
Too floppy.
Couldn't get used to it,
Took it off.
I tried on the dancer's shoes,
A little too loose.
Not the kind you could use
for walkin'.
Didn't feel right in 'em,
Kicked 'em off.

I tried on the summer sun,
Felt good.
Nice and warm - knew it would.
Tried the grass beneath bare feet,
Felt neat.
Finally, finally felt well dressed,
Nature's clothes fit me best.

Only ate one drumstick
At the picnic dance this summer,
Just one little drumstick--
They say I couldn't be dumber.
One tough and skinny drumstick,
Why was that such a bummer?
But everybody's mad at me,
Especially the drummer.

He's the Twistable Turnable Squeezable Pullable
Stretchable Foldable Man.
He can crawl in your pocket or fit your locket
Or screw himself into a twenty-volt socket,
Or stretch himself up to the steeple or taller,
Or squeeze himself into a thimble or smaller,
Yes he can, course he can,
He's the Twistable Turnable Squeezable Pullable
Stretchable Shrinkable Man.
And he lives a passable life
With his Squeezable Lovable Kissable Hugable
Pullable Tugable Wife.
And they have two twistable kids
Who bend up the way that they did.
And they turn and they stretch
Just as much as they can
For this Bendable Foldable
Do-what-you're-toldable
Easily moldable
Buy-what you're-soldable
Washable Mendable
Highly Dependable
Buyable Saleable
Always available
Bounceable Shakeable
Almost unbreakable
Twistable Turnable Man.

Handsome guys get girls that are pretty
Other guys make it cause they're clever and witty
But the only love I ever got I got out of pity cause I'm the ugliest man in town
Yeah I drive down the street in a Roys Rolls car
Use hundred dollar bills when I light my cigar
But you know folks that really don't get you very far
When you're the ugliest man in town
There was a note on the doorstep where I was found
Is said this poor child weighs eleven pounds
So bring him up healthy and welthy and sound
Keep his back to the light don't let him turn around
Yeah all you women you're heartless and cold all you want is my silver and gold
Don't you know I've got a beautiful soul though I'm the ugliest man in town
Yeah I'm so ugly I gotta shave in the dark
The kids start to cry when I walk through the park
The clock stop tickin' and dogs start to bark whenever I come around
Oh oh oh I walk down the street the girls all hiss me
If I died tomorrow not one of them would miss me
Only reason they ball me is they can't stand to kiss me
I'm the ugliest man in town oh yeah the ugliest man in town

Fell asleep last night with the TV on,
Oh, what a dream I had.
Dreamed I went and answered ev'ry single
One of those late night mail order ads.
Then four to six weeks later,
Much to my surprise,
The mailman came to my front door
And I couldn't believe my eyes.

He brought the Vegematic
And the Pocket Fisherman, too,
Illuminated, illustrated History of Life
And Box Car Willie with a ginsu knife,
A bamboo steamer and a garden weasel, too,
And a tie dyed day-glow souvenir shirt
From Six Flags Over Burbank.

Well, the doorbell rang all mornin',
All through the afternoon,
And I shook with fright as it rang all night
By the light of the Mastercard moon.
There was Federal Express in the pantry,

Parcel Post in the hall,
COD to the ceiling,
And I just couldn't pay for it all.

I got an egg scrambler
With a seal-a-meal carryin' case,
A set of Presidential Commemorative Plates
So I could eat my eggs off a President's face,
A minute mender
And a needle that'll knit or crochet
And an autographed photograph of Rin Tin Tin
At Six Flags Over Burbank.

Well I know that I was dreamin'
So I gave a mighty cheer
When I awoke, it was no joke
'Cause all that shit was here,
So if you fall asleep with the TV on
Let me tell you what to do.
Rip the telephone out of the wall
Unless you want this to happen to you.

You get Vegematic and the Pocket Fisherman, too,
Iluminated, illustrated History of Life
And Box Car Willie with a ginsu knife,
A bamboo steamer and a garden weasel, too,
And a tie dyed day-glow souvenir shirt
From Six Flags Over Burbank.

Eat a tomato and you'll turn red
(I don't think that's really so);
Eat a carrot and you'll turn orange
(Still and all, you never know);
Eat some spinach and you'll turn green
(I'm not saying that it's true
But that's what I heard, and so
I thought I'd pass it on to you).

Inside everybody's nose
There lives a shar-toothed snail.
So if youi stick your finger in,
He may bite off your nail.
Stick it farther up inside,
And he may bite your ring off.
Stick it all the way, and he
May bite the whole darn thing off!

I thought that I had wavy hair
Until I shaved. Instead,
I find that I have straight hair
And a very wavy head.

Last night, while I lay thinking here,
some Whatifs crawled inside my ear
and pranced and partied all night long
and sang their same old Whatif song:
Whatif I'm dumb in school?
Whatif they've closed the swimming pool?
Whatif I get beat up?
Whatif there's poison in my cup?
Whatif I start to cry?
Whatif I get sick and die?
Whatif I flunk that test?
Whatif green hair grows on my chest?
Whatif nobody likes me?
Whatif a bolt of lightning strikes me?
Whatif I don't grow talle?
Whatif my head starts getting smaller?
Whatif the fish won't bite?
Whatif the wind tears up my kite?
Whatif they start a war?
Whatif my parents get divorced?
Whatif the bus is late?
Whatif my teeth don't grow in straight?
Whatif I tear my pants?
Whatif I never learn to dance?
Everything seems well, and then
the nighttime Whatifs strike again!