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What to Exclude When You're Expecting

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So you're pregnant...

Your navel is turning inside out.
Weird things are happening with your boobs.
Complete strangers are rubbing your tum.
And someone is doing gymnastics in your belly at 2am.

The world goes absolutely NUTS when you're havnig a baby, and it'll try to take you with it.

Save yourself from some frustrations by learning:
What to EXCLUDE when you're expecting!

REALLY Obvious Things to Exclude When You're Expecting

The I'ma slap-you-in-the-face if you do this stuff stuff

  • Drugs - HellOOOOO!
  • Alcohol - Fetal Alcohol Syndrome anyone?
  • Smoking - Would you give a baby a cigarette?
  • Heavy Lifting - Getting your butt off the couch is about as much lifting as you need to do.
  • Prescription & OTC Medicines - Must. Ask. Doctor. First.
  • Caffeine - Starbucks will make pretty much any of their drinks sans caffeine, so no excuses.
  • Excessive strenuous exercise - Now is not the time to take up extreme sports.

Exit Poop Left



The Baby Poop Decoder has a new home!

You'll find it in my new lens, Baby Poop 101, where I dish the scoop on baby poop... or something like that.

Here's the original Baby Poop Decoder:

When the baby comes, you may be amazed by how much of your life revolves around poop. Poop begins to actually mean something!

Tarry black poop, your baby's first poop, is called meconium. You'll never see it again once it passes.

Mustard poop is common for breastfed babies. Supposedly breastfed babies make sweeter smelling poop. I don't know about you, but I've yet to meet a poop I'd call sweet.

Green poop is normal in the realm of baby poop. "Green", "poop", and "normal" all in one sentence. It's so surreal.

Orange poop is also par for the course. I don't know if it's a par 3 or par 4. It's definitely not a birdie.

Yellow poop - hello yellow! (It's late, I'm tired, and I'm running out of cutesy ideas.) Yellow is normal.

Multiple color and color-changing poop - as long as the colors are listed above (sans meconium reference), there's nothing to worry about. Baby poop changes colors on a frighteningly regular basis.

Chalky white poop could indicate that there is no bile from the liver to digest food. Call the doc.

Tarry black poop, when NOT the first poop, could mean there is blood in the digestive tract. Call the doc.

Bright red blood in poop means blood has been expressed very close to the anus (i.e. no time to turn black.) Call the doc.

Blue poop can only mean one thing...

Attention Gwyneth Paltrow Fanatics

You don't need a Bugaboo just because celebrities have them

I can't believe there are strollers that cost $400, $700, even $1000. It must be a status symbol thing. If that's what you're into, more power to ya - but I think a kid could benefit much more from that money going into a college fund instead.

I have splurged on some baby gear, but I can't imagine what is some folks' rent or mortgage payment amount going for a stroller. It better be automatic and come with a nanny for that kind of dough!

I guess strollers are kind of like cars - if you can afford a luxury car, you'll probably have one.

In my case it was more about functionality:

· smooth ride
· well-built & reliable
· easy to drive
· reclining*
· affordable

I've had several strollers (unfortunately), and can highly recommend Graco Travel Systems and Combi strollers, for all of the reasons above. I had to ditch the Graco for a Combi Twin Savvy Sporticon(I have a 1-year-old and a 2-year-old), and it rocks.

* No matter what kind of stroller or how much you spend on one, never, and I mean NEVER, purchase a stroller that doesn't RECLINE. Recline is everything. You can thank me later.

Childproofing? What childproofing?

Save yourself a headache; you're pregnant, for Pete's sake!

"What?!" you ask, "no childproofing - are you nuts?!" I'm still sane as far as I know. And that is due, at least in part, to my having learned to put aside unnecessary worries.

Newborns aren't mobile, so it's unlikely they'll be trying to get into household chemicals under the kitchen sink as soon as you bring them home from the hospital. Do yourself a favor, and use your first few months to take care of baby and yourself.

How Dry I Am: The Dastardly Wipe Warmer

From the Useless Baby Gear department, with gratuitous POOP references!

Unless you live in an igloo, wipes aren't that cold. They're moist and cool to the touch, which is logical since they're made for babies' bottoms.

Wipe warmers do more than their namesake implies: they dry the wipes out, too.

Newborn poop is sticky. I don't care how warm the wipe is, if it's dry, using it to clean a sticky poop is gonna suck.

Baby wants the poop gone as much as you do, or maybe he just wants to suck on his feet. Either way, start him off with cool, non-warmed wipes, and he'll be okay.

I Thought Mom Was the Diaper Stacker?

More useless baby gear, more work for you

If you keep diapers in a basket or some other kind of organizer near your changing table or crib, the diaper stacker is just another unnecessary accessory.

When it's empty, you have to refill it.

And they're not that cute.

Are they?

You Can Only Read So Many Pregnancy & Baby Books

Just stick to a few good ones

The Mother of all Pregnancy Books... is probably the most thorough and engaging of all the pregnancy and baby books I went through. It's written in a conversational style and really covers everything. I was shocked and delighted to discover that the book's author, Ann Douglas, is right here on Squidoo with several lenses, including The Mother of all Lenses: Pregnancy and Parenting.

"What to Expect..." seems to be the book everyone reads. Chances are someone will give you their old copy. Actually, that's true for most pregnancy books. Ask around. (Way to boost my Amazon affiliate revenue, huh?) I read it. It was okay. *scratches head*

"Your Pregnancy Week-by-Week" - I actually liked this one better than the first. The illustrations were a little 70s-ish. I notice and worry about trivial things like that.

My husband loved the New Father book for the first year stuff. We referred to it more than the "Your Baby's First Year, Week-by-Week" book that I had. I didn't realize there's a Toddler edition now; I need to get that one too!

The Baby Owner's Manual is funny. Think of your baby as a VCR, and this is the book that tells you how to work it. Sorry, no way to program the baby though. Besides the humor, there is some good info, but the presentation is what was memorable for me.
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Somewhat Obvious Things to Exclude When You're Expecting

Stuff you oughta know, but hey - it's your first time to be pregnant

  • Sushi - It's a no on stinky, raw fish for now.
  • Tuna - Speaking of fish, you should limit your tuna intake to once a week. Folks within breathing distance will thank you too.
  • Unpasteurized milk or juice - Chug on something else.
  • Soft cheeses and runny eggs - Yes, that does mean no feta.
  • Too much salt - It'll make you swell up and have feet like Shrek. Not pretty.
  • Extreme temperatures - Do what you can to avoid freezing or overheating. I live in Texas and had summer babies two years in a row. It's a wonder I survived.
  • Stress - HA! good luck.
  • X-rays - Hmm, nothing cute to say about x-rays really.

Breaking News: Changing Table Pad Covers Banned From My Nursery

No Poop Left Behind Law Strictly Enforced

I honestly cannot think of a more ridiculous waste of space. Here's a cheap piece of terry cloth that'll cost you 10 bucks, fit the pad poorly and get raggedy after only a few washes... all so you don't have to look at the plain white changing table pad, and maybe so you can cover it with something that matches your nursery décor.

Well, it'll get poop on it, and that'll not only not match your décor - it means more stink to clean up and more laundry to do.

Most changing table pads are covered in a slick material that can be easily wiped down and disinfected. I clean mine with a bit of bleach water, and to me that seems more sanitary anyway - and there's no worry over when was the last time I washed the changing table pad cover.

And no poop.

Clicking's a Snap - Avoid Buying Crap

No, I don't work for Wal-Mart. I'm linking to a lot of their buying guides for baby stuff because the guides are simple and to-the-point. As a bonus, they're not shoving unnecessary products down your throat.
Stroller Buying Guide from eBay
Here's a pretty good guide on what to look for in a stroller. A personal note for moms with multiples - it may seem illogical, but side-by-side strollers are much easier to handle than tandem strollers.
Buying Guide: Car Seats
A nice car seat reference from Babies R Us
Bassinet Buying Guide
No-nonsense buying guide from Wal-Mart's Baby Connection
Bouncer Buying Guide
No-nonsense buying guide from Wal-Mart's Baby Connection
Changing Table Buying Guide
Five safety features to look for before buying a changer. No-nonsense buying guide from Wal-Mart's Baby Connection.
Bottle & Nipple Buying Guide
Get help finding the bottle setup that best suits your baby's needs and preferences, along with some handy accessories. No-nonsense buying guide from Wal-Mart's Baby Connection.
Crib Buying Guide
Everything you need to know to pick out a safe, stylish, and convenient crib for your baby. No-nonsense buying guide from Wal-Mart's Baby Connection.
Highchair Buying Guide
A highchair is one of the most used baby products next to a crib. Find out what features to look for before you buy one. No-nonsense buying guide from Wal-Mart's Baby Connection.
Baby Monitor Buying Guide
How to pick a monitor that will help you hear and even see your sleeping baby from another room. No-nonsense buying guide from Wal-Mart's Baby Connection.
Stroller Buying Guide
Everything you need to get rolling with a stroller that suits your family. No-nonsense buying guide from Wal-Mart's Baby Connection.
Playard (Pack-n-Play) Buying Guide
A good playard is a safe spot for your baby to play and sleep, at home or on the road. Find out how to choose the best one for your child. No-nonsense buying guide from Wal-Mart's Baby Connection.

The Bottle Warmer - A Bad Wrap

You have a microwave, don't you?

This thing was the bane of my existence for a about a week when my daughter was first born. Measure the water, fill the container, wait for steam, wait to refill since it didn't work the first time, etc. Meanwhile, a baby is hungry and letting you and the neighbors know about it.

Bottle manufacturers don't want to be sued, so they like to warn you not to use the microwave. Books will warn you of this too, but the folks who wrote those books aren't gonna come to your house and stop your kid from yelling in the middle of the night.

Sometimes you just have to break the rules. Use a little common sense. Microwaves tend to heat unevenly, and you don't want any "hot spots" in the bottle. Here, logic and a little Def Leppard wisdom (one for you soccer moms) can come in handy...

take the bottle, shake it up!

Experiment with your microwave while Baby is sleeping and thus not screaming for nourishment. Find the right time for warming in your microwave, so you'll know next time. And the time after that.

Not-So-Obvious Things to Exclude When You're Expecting

  • Laying on your back - get used to sleeping on your side while pregnant. Throw down some dough on a really good pillow.
  • Mega-doses of Vitamin C - don't OD on the OJ.
  • Deli meats - I considered saying "no deli for your pregnant belly" here, but I decided against it.
  • Herbal remedies - hippie chicks, ask your doc first.
  • Bad dental hygeine - toothbrushes and toothpaste aren't that expensive.
  • Hair color - pregnancy reprograms your hair. Red may be blue. Brown may be green. (If you shop at Hot Topic, this may not concern you.)
  • Sex - hehe, gotcha! You don't have to avoid sex, but if you've lost your mucus plug or your water has broken, take a cold shower instead.
  • Latex paint - you are dying to paint the nursery, aren't you? Just don't do it without proper ventillation, and take plenty of breaks for fresh air.

Don't Eat Pureed Vegetables in a Mercedes

Highchairs get covered with technicolor baby food (or worse)

Why spend a fortune on them?

I started out with an average (50 bucks or so) high chair that had most of the same features of the more expensive chairs. I tossed it. Know why? I was sick of washing the chair cover - over, and over, and over again.

To make matters worse, the tray was divided. Oh sure, it seems clever. But you have to clean it, and if it has a tray insert, you have to clean that too. That divided business makes it tough to clean by hand, and the dishwasher only runs once a day around here (on a good day.)

I moved on to the IKEA Antilop Highchair for a whopping $18.99. Two of them, in fact. They're compact, safe, and simple.

Sidenote: oh, how I love the IKEA.

Sarcasm (and poop) aside...

I'm just a mom, like you (or maybe you're a dad, so close enough), and these are things I've learned, experienced, and formed opinions about.

While I have done my best to corroborate any statements related to medical issues, please note that I am not a physician. You should always talk to your doctor first when you have questions, especially when you're pregnant. If you feel like you're bugging the doctor or nurse with too much inquisition, don't worry about it - seriously! It's what they're there for.

Congratulations...

You made it through the poop to the BOTTOM OF MY LENS!

I could sure use a good blurbing.

  • activelifeebooks Nov 28, 2011 @ 12:05 pm | delete
    Thank you for all the helpful tips in your lens. I cant wait to share this to my wife since we are having a baby soon. Warm regards!
  • coylejb Jul 18, 2011 @ 7:42 am | delete
    This is great! Brought back some sweet memories (of poop? really? Yes!) and gives lots of practical wisdom. Spending big bucks on stuff that gets put through the worst possible treatment (poop is only the beginning) seems a silly thing to do. Ditto on the college fund!
  • YourBodyYourBaby May 18, 2011 @ 11:09 pm | delete
    I'm a labor doula and I love the wisdom and the humor on your site! I'm going to add a linc to it on my website: www.YourBodyYourBaby.com
  • littlelotus May 2, 2011 @ 8:10 pm | delete
    very useful info indeed... I wish I came across this lens when I was pregnant :)
  • Senora_M Apr 18, 2011 @ 9:04 pm | delete
    This is a great lens. I totally agree on most of the things that you say are useless and unnecessary! :)
  • bsblmike2 Oct 24, 2010 @ 5:33 pm | delete
    i like all of these tips veryy good lens thanks
  • Lou1842 May 29, 2010 @ 6:10 am | delete
    I love your tip about the microwave. I wish I'd known that when I first had my baby. It took me ages before I would use the microwave for heating bottles. I could have saved myself so much time!!
  • Desilegend Dec 15, 2009 @ 9:26 am | delete
    I love your poop decoder. Very funny! Thanks for making my day!
  • Dr_Joe Aug 11, 2008 @ 9:03 pm | delete
    Very informative.
    Great lens. Rated it 5 stars.
    Feel free to visit Women's Health | Sexual Health | Health Screening
    because a healthy body is an investment.
  • osumiss Jun 14, 2008 @ 5:58 pm | delete
    A great game to play that will teach new parents on taking care of a newborn is Baby 4-1-1. It is a trivia game where all the questions are about labor and delivery and taking care of a newborn. The expecting couple can play it over and over again and learn while they are playing. The game provides basics that all new parents need to know. The game is played similiar to Jeopardy so if you love Jeopardy you will love Baby 4-1-1. Search for it on the web or just go to www.baby411inc.com
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monicamoody

I am a wife, a mother of 2 preschoolers, creative director for a marketing firm, rock star in my own mind, and an artist. 

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