Hoping and Praying for three Miracles
I am documenting my journey through a strangely miraculous, painfully difficult, and cautiously hopeful pregnancy with spontaneous triplets. From the shock of finding myself unexpectedly pregnant with multiples after a loss, to the diagnosis of blighted ovum, to the severe bleeding episodes, to the (hopefully) successful birth of my babies, this is my story.
- The Misdiagnosed Miscarriage
- This site has an amazing amount of information in their 'Reading Room' which includes medical research and links to charts and other sites as well as an awesome group of ladies who offer much needed understanding and support.
- *My Story of Hope*
- *Praying for miracles in spite of it all*
- *The thing about being 'sort of' pregnant*
- *About hope*
- *His or mine?*
- *God's answer*
- *Dead man walking*
- *By night*
- *God*
- *Where to go from here?*
- *Job*
- *What it's okay to say*
- *Anger*
- *The whole picture*
- *A prayer*
- Please tell me your stories
*My Story of Hope*
June 2, 2008
A week later, on April 11, I got sick while out, impulsively bought another test, took it in the middle of the day, and got a very immediate and dark positive. On April 14 I had my 1st u/s which showed two areas of implantation bleeding and dated me at about 3 to 3 1/2 weeks. (Apparently I'd gotten pg, m/c'd and then immediately gotten pg again, with multiples!) A later u/s showed I'd conceived spontaneous triplets! There were two gestational sacs, but one of them had two yolk sacs (the 'nourishment sac', one for each baby)
Then on May 31, at 10 wks 1 day, I had a sudden gush of bright red blood. Since I was on blood thinners, there was a significant danger of hemorrhage, so I went to L&D. After that one gush, the bleeding stopped. The u/s at the hospital showed one fully developed baby (head, arms, legs) but no heartbeat. The baby was in the sac which had had two yolk sacs, but at this point there was just this huge sac with the baby tucked in the corner and no yolk sacs, no debris, nothing but this huge sac and one little tiny baby with no heartbeat. The other sac was still perfectly round and still growing but completely empty (blighted ovum). They sent me home with a diagnosis of impending miscarriage.
The next night, Sunday, I suddenly started bleeding extremely heavily for about 3 hrs, then for the next week just some light spotting with no cramping. And, through it all, my morning sickness continued as well as all of my other pregnancy symptoms. So, hmmmm???
*Praying for miracles in spite of it all*
June 8
Hebrews 11:1
Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.
Hebrews 11:3
By faith we understand that the universe was formed at God's command, so that what is seen was not made out of what was visible.
I'll have another u/s at 12 wks which was my original plan. I'll update then. For now I leave you with what I've learned through many, many losses including this possible (most would say definite) loss:
Every life is created by God. Every life has a purpose. Some accomplish their purpose in days, while others take decades. All are precious and loved by their Creator.
Faith is believing that God is right even when you don't agree with Him. Faith is believing God loves you even when you are hurting. Faith is believing God is with you even when you feel lost. Faith is believing God is good even when it doesn't look that way.
God bless.
*The thing about being 'sort of' pregnant*
June 9
'Sort of' pregnant means that, when I meet 'real' pregnant women, I quietly chat with them about their babies without ever mentioning that I am also pregnant, even though I am visibly expecting.
'Sort of' pregnant means that I walk past baby stores with the briefest of glances because I don't feel I have the right to go there.
'Sort of' pregnant means that, whether my babies are dead or alive, I cling to every moment they are still inside me, because it may be the only time I get with them here on earth.
'Sort of' pregnant makes heaven very real and very close, because that's where my babies may grow up.
God bless.
*About hope*
June 10
So what's the problem with having hope? Isn't hope what we all live on? When I drive my car, I 'hope' no one hits me. When I use my credit card, I 'hope' it goes through (lol). When I get on a plane, I 'hope' its been inspected recently! Hope is a part of our daily life, isn't it? It's not a disease or mental illness or product of an over-active imagination or symptom of denial. It's what gets us out of bed each morning and through each day and back in bed each night to start over again the next day.
And, when we're faced with tragedy or loss, hope can help us 'float' a little more gently into the valley we have to walk through, instead of crashing headlong into the ground.
Another thing about hope. Isn't it strange how incredibly fragile and yet miraculously resilient hope is? Take my situation: every cramp, every twinge, every drop of blood, every decrease in symptoms can crush my hope completely. And then, a little later, hope seeps back in, easing my despair, lighting my way, calming my spirit, preparing me to face whatever comes next.
One last thing about hope. I think a mom's heart is made entirely of hope. We hope for that miraculous moment of conception to take place. We hope for a healthy, happy baby to be born. We hope our children will grow into good and successful adults. And, along the way, when problems arise, we hope for the best. It's not just what we do. It's who we are and what we were made for.
*His or mine?*
June 11
God bless.
*God's answer*
June 12
*Dead man walking*
June 14
*By night*
*God*
Loss after loss I've asked the same questions. And loss after loss I've received the same answer--Trust Me. Love Me. I am here.
Yes, I trust You. Yes, I love You. Yes, I know that You are here. But...
Do you ever want to ask God to leave you alone? To let you live your life in peace? I do, or at least a part of me does. A part of me wants to beg God not to teach me His ways, not to mold me to His likeness, not to use me in His service. But then I think, what would life be like without Him? Would there be less pain? I don't think so, life is painful, with or without Him. I just wouldn't have Him to comfort, guide, and carry me. Would there be more peace? No, life is chaotic, with or without Him. I just wouldn't have Him to shelter me in the storms. Would there be more hope? Impossible, life is short and has a clearly marked dead-end without Him. He is hope. He is my only hope.
*Where to go from here?*
How can I feel so safe in God's arms, so sure of the rightness of His purposes, so certain of the wisdom of His will, and still feel so lost?
I don't know. I really don't.
*Job*
*What it's okay to say*
"I'm sorry."
"What can I do to help?"
"I don't know what to say."
"I'm hurting so much for you."
"I'm praying for you."
And don't let a day go by for the first couple of weeks that you don't say one or more of those things. It's pretty much all she can think of at that point, and you not mentioning it keeps her silent in a world of pain she doesn't know how to share. Don't try to make her talk, just let her know it's okay if she wants to.
Updated to add 'what NOT to say':
"You can always adopt."
"You're young. You can always try again."(Would you go to a funeral and tell the grieving widow, "You can always just get married again"?)
God bless.
*Anger*
June 19
Anyway, here goes...after another night of sorrow, I suddenly woke up ANGRY, not a little angry, but really, really MAD--at God. I tried to hide it, even from myself, but it kept seeping and oozing out and when I got a phone call from our realtor that the buyer had backed out of our contract, I lost it. I cried and ranted and raved at God. And once the anger started flowing, there was no stopping it. I spent the whole day in tears, asking God what He was thinking, where He was in all this, if He really thought I deserved to be tortured, why everything seemed intentionally designed to make my loss as painful as possible, and when He was going to finally decide I'd had enough and LEAVE ME ALONE! And, you know what, I discovered some things. First, I discovered that I didn't just suddenly get angry; I'd been simmering for days and just wouldn't admit it to myself or God. Second, I discovered anew that I truly am a sinful person capable of being about as unlovely and petty and spiteful as the next sinner. Third, I discovered that God loves me just as I am. He wasn't surprised by my anger because He knew what was in my heart all along. Fourth, I discovered that pouring out the anger in my heart was the ultimate act of trust. God said in His word that we couldn't escape from His love and that He loved us while we were yet sinners. Trusting Him with my anger was trusting Him to be who He said He was and trusting Him to do what He said He would. And fifth, I discovered that by being willing, finally, to trust God and walk through this part of the valley, the healing could begin. As I released the anger I'd been hiding in my heart, peace seeped in to take it's place. That is the gift of God, peace that passes understanding. And I could finally begin to receive that gift when I fully trusted God with all that I am, the good and the bad, the beautiful and the ugly.
I know I have a long, long way to go. But a subtle shift has taken place in my soul. I still cry at night and I still hurt all the time, but I am living again, feeling again, moving forward again. And that ever-resilient hope, so fragile, so easily crushed and broken, has risen again.
God bless.
*The whole picture*
July 7th
*A prayer*
God bless.
Amazon products you may be interested in:
Please tell me your stories
Angelika, I pray right along with you that God will bless you with that precious heartbeat. God bless.
Posted October 08, 2008
I am just new in this world of lost mummy's angels and can you believe it, i didn't know it existed till now,when i am waiting and praying for my 7weeks old to have a heartbeat...And hoping and praying and wrestling with God for a miracle...Why me to have a miracle?And deep in my heart-WHY ME NOT? You wrote about being like a zombie i feel like burned ash, nothing left.And yet,still praying and hoping. At the darkest moments i just beg Jesus to let my baby know i love her. Thank you for sharing your life story.
Posted October 07, 2008
Aerie, it's terrible to be so used to losing babies that we "know how it ends" isn't it? I pray God surprises you with a miracle this time. God bless.
Posted September 24, 2008
Your words meant a lot to me today. Thank you. I have 6 wonderful children, and have had 7 miscarriages. I am 7 weeks pregnant, and went in for an ultrasound yesterday and saw an empty womb. I was so sure everything was going well this time, I am still getting used to it. I miss my baby. We will wait for a natural miscarriage, for our hope is in God, not any doctor. Still, I have played this scene before and know how it ends. It appears that I have another baby that I will meet when I get to heaven. God bless you.
Posted September 24, 2008
Oh,Patricia, God is so good, isn't He? I know your heart still hurts for your lost little ones, and it always will, but what a wonderful miracle God gave you in your precious Lisa! Thank you for your prayers. God bless.
Posted September 22, 2008















