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Preparing for the death of a loved one - things you should do beforehand

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Preparing for death of a loved one - there's no time like the present to prepare

Especially for an elderly person who may take a while dying, being proactive in preparing for the death of a loved on can lessen the strain and stressed on the family and friends left behind. As I type this, my adorable Mother, Gertie, lies dying in front of me. It's ok though as she's 95, has lived a full and wonderful life, is tired, and the time is coming to join my sister Stephanie who died in 1989 at only 36 and Mom's much missed husband and my very loving father, Joe who died in 2007. Since I'm her caregiver, I have a lot of time to sit and think about all the things that need to be done after death. So, why not do them now? After all, my grieving process began 3 weeks ago when she took a turn for the worse and, at this point, it's just the long goodbye.

Being prepared for the death of a loved one can make the whole process much less stressful when the time finally comes. I don't care how emotionally prepared you think you might be, the minute the last breath is released, you might not be thinking very rationally.. Rather than rushing around from place to place, I prefer to get things done now and then relax. Perhaps a nice massage will be in order or a walk with the dogs. Time will tell.

I've written a few articles about death and dying as I watch my Mom. Here's a few you might be interested in:

When death looms - the signs and symptoms of the last moments on earth
Death and dying - dealing with the restless patient

And, if you're a caregiver, don't make the same mistakes I did:

Things I wish I had known before I became a caregiver.

And, just for the hell of it, here's a really funny article I wrote:

Senior citizen flash mobs.

Buy a small book to keep with you for notes

When my Dad died, I had slips of paper EVERYWHERE. It finally dawned on me that it would be a whole lot easier to jot everything down in a book and I'll use the same book now for my Mom. It already has important information such as social security numbers, address and phone numbers of the cemetery, etc.

Even in this day and age of micro computers, a good old-fashioned notebook is the better tool for this task.
Keep Calm and Carry On Journal (Diary, Notebook) (Small Format Journal)

Keep Calm and Carry On Journal (Diary, Notebook) (Small Format Journal)

by: Peter Pauper Press

Amazon Price: $5.25 (as of 06/04/2012)Buy Now

I love the front of this book and wish I'd found it before I bought my last one. But, my book from Dad's death has too much information in it to copy over so I'll continue on with that one. This one is perfect though! Buy one for each family member!

A few books to prepare you for your loved one's death

Knowing what to expect when death comes will make the process much less scary. I was really really frightened to think that I will be here when Mom takes her last breath but no longer. I now realize that death is just a natural part of life and can be quite peaceful. Mom has mostly been sleeping for 2 days now and rouses only briefly at my touch. Here skin is sallow but I know the reason for this - her kidneys are shutting down. I'm much less frightened after educating myself about the death process

The below book are all decent reads about death. Perhaps they can help you too.
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As hard as it may be, visit the funeral home before the death of your loved one

my beautiful momThis is probably the hardest thing that has to be done after the death of a loved one. But, if you do it beforehand, you'll have more time to select the coffin or urn and talk to the undertaker about your loved one's wishes. Beware: you'll be sticker shocked! Studies show that the average funeral costs around $7500 (!) without the plot.

When you visit the funeral home, take a picture of your loved one with you so they'll know the preferred hairstyle and makeup. I hate to see people laid out in caskets who are caked in makeup and have a beehive hairdo. Who does that - except, possibly, Aunt Gertie who died in 1976...

Pick out and take any clothes you want your loved one buried in. My Mom will be buried in a traditional white gown - the garb of Jews so that was easy for me.

Take along any music you'd like played before or after the ceremony. Also, bring along any pictures you may have that you'd like displayed and tell the mortuary personnel about their placement.

Take any trinkets you'd like set in the casket with your loved one. Now is a good time to add in a check for that loan they gave you.....

Select your own outfit for the funeral or memorial service

death and dyingAnd, consider the weather! It's cold this week in Maryland (figures), so I'll be standing in windy, cold, possibly snowy weather. Although the ground will be frozen, heels are something to consider.

Have your and your familys' outfits cleaned and ready to go at a moment's notice. No need to be searching around for that pair of black hose when they can be hanging on a hanger under your skirt.

And, black is not necessarily the color of the day. I do not for a second believe that somber colors equal grief. I'll wear black, because that's mostly what I have, but I'll also throw on that beautiful blue pashmina shawl seen above in the pic of my Mom - it will remind me of her.

These clothes are great for traveling

Especially if you have to travel to a funeral and you don't want to be all wrinkled, the below clothes are the perfect item to roll up and go. I used to travel a lot for business and never took an iron along.
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Make a call list for notifications after the death

death and dyingSince Mom lives with me, I'll be the first one to know of her death. Rather than have to call every friend and relative, I've made a call list, including names, numbers and, if needed, emails and circulated it to my brothers and friends. Each of them are responsible for contacting those people on their list. This way, the word will spread quickly and I don't have to do it all.

I actually went through my email contacts to put together the list but you might need to find other contacts. Search your loved one's address book for any additional people who should be notified of the list.

Make up or have made up any small publication to hand out at the service

People like to have something to hold at funerals and small programs celebrating the life of your loved one makes just the perfect thing. Include a beautiful picture on the front and a bit about their life on the inside. It doesn't have to be fancy and you don't have to be Mark Twain to write the thing. Just write what you feel.

You might include some background about their youth, accomplishments in life, even add in a funny story. Funerals don't have to be dismal.

While you're at it, you might want to print directions to the wake, if there will be one.

Clean out the car you're going to use for the funeral

No one wants to put on their Sunday best and sit in yesterday's slurpee right before heading out for a funeral. My wonderful boyfriend, John cleaned out my SUV just yesterday, gassed it up so we're ready to go when the time comes.

The below are some decent items to use to detail that car before the funeral.
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Line up a someone to stay at your house during the funeral

It's quite easy for thieves to look through the obituaries and find when funerals will occur. They then know that family members will be gone from their homes - bam! That's when they'll strike. It's quite easy nowadays to find personal information on the internet so always make sure to have someone at the house. In my case, I have 6 someones - my dogs. No worries here.

If you don't have anyone at the house during the funeral, invest in a few of the items below so the house looks like there's someone home.
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Have I missed anything?

funeral needs

I'd like to make this Squidoo article very comprehensive so please give me ideas you'd like added. Thanks.

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I still read each and every comment to my Mom - hearing is the last thing to go. Please leave me any comments you might have about this article - anyone may comment, not just Squidoo members.

  • MarigoldTortelli Mar 13, 2012 @ 9:42 pm | delete
    This is all really good advice. It will be really helpful for people during a difficult time.
  • kathysart Mar 3, 2012 @ 7:18 am | delete
    I can see your were a lovely and beautiful daughter.. angel blessed.
  • KimGiancaterino Feb 13, 2012 @ 6:05 pm | delete
    Gertie ... you raised a wonderful daughter. May you feel surrounded by love always.
  • joycetmann Feb 13, 2012 @ 12:34 pm | delete
    My heart goes out to both you and your beloved mother. Peace to you both. On a more practical note, thank you for adding the suggestion that people find someone to house-sit during the time of the funeral.
  • ChrissLJ Feb 13, 2012 @ 12:17 pm | delete
    My heart goes out to you, Lori. You've done a wonderful job at being a loving and caring daughter and making sure Gertie knows how much she's loved during her last days.
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I am my mother's keeper

I thought I'd written those words for the last time when I penned Death and Dying - dealing with the restless patient but here I sit again, 3 days later mostly due to the gentle prodding of my special online friends:

Peggy Hazelwood (ScarletOhairy)
Joan Haines (MiddleSister)
Mark Goodwin (Zut_Moon)
Nancy Carol Hardin (NancyCarol)
Virginia Allain (Vallain)

Mom is dying as she lived, defying all odds. Hospice workers are amazed she's still with us but that's ok with me. We had a wonderful moment last night where she "came to" and recognized all who were surrounding her. I told her that she'd given us a huge gift and she smiled and, well, there she went!

Preparing for the death of a loved one is my 135th Squidoo article.

To see my entire library, check out GottaLoveIt's articles.
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My other articles about caregiving

I spend a LOT of time writing about caregiving. I hope some of these articles help others who walk in my path.
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by

gottaloveit

I used to spend most of my days caring for my adorable 95 year old Mom, Gertie; she died peacefully in my arms Feb 15, 2012.

During down times (which... more »

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Please come visit my blog detailing life with a 95 year old 

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This book has enriched my life as a caregiver 

American Medical Association Guide to Home Caregiving

American Medical Association Guide to Home Caregiving

by: American Medical Association

Amazon Price: $9.99 (as of 06/04/2012)Buy Now

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