I am always surprised and frustrated by the latest 'initiative' on bullying. They are all essentially the same and always seem to have the same solution, which is to 'Go and tell someone!' Anyone who has suffered the horrors of having their child bullied will understand how unhelpful and empty that advice really is.

Why is that? Well the problem is that there are two distinct types of bullying. The advice to 'go and tell someone' addresses only one of them. The most insidious bullying, the one which causes mental anguish and sometimes tragic results, is left largely un-addressed.

Bullying takes two main forms:

1. Physical bullying: this includes anything which shows up on the child's body as bruises, breaks, wheals, scratches etc. The essential point to make here is that physical bullying is generally detectable by the very fact that some harm has usually already come to the victim. So going off and 'telling someone' is hopefully going to get a result. If it happens in school, then there are likely to be witnesses, evidence and someone in charge who can investigate and can put the school's anti-bullying procedure in place. Furthermore, physical bullying is generally 'assault' and as such should also be reported to the police, who are increasingly taking a 'zero-tolerance' line on this activity. Victims of physical bullying should certainly go off and tell someone and you, as a parent, should expect the complaint to be effectively and promptly dealt with.

2. Emotional bullying: now this is a different story altogether. Here, we are talking about name-calling, ostracising, rumour-mongering, ignoring, exclusion, arguing into submission, the silent treatment, having possessions stolen or moved, manipulation, racial taunts, not being picked for teams etc. It is this type of bullying which can have a significant effect on the victim's self-confidence and which can lead to the tragic events which are every parent's nightmare. This activity is virtually undetectable from a teacher's point of view and complaints always end up in a 'his word against mine' confrontation, which teachers, with the best will in the world, find very difficult to resolve. Perpetrators of this form of bullying are sufficiently clever to avoid detection and often accuse the victim of being the bully themselves. Faced with this dilemma, many teachers will tell a child to 'stop telling tales,' or 'go and find someone else to play with.'

These are the signs to look out for:

· becoming uncharacteristically moody or short-tempered
· anxiety, insecurity, insomnia
· bedwetting
· stealing money from a purse at home
· going off their food
· having difficulty concentrating
· trying to stay with a teacher or adult during breaks
· sudden deterioration in class achievement
· becoming quiet, withdrawn and uncommunicative
· showing a lack of respect for others
· regularly losing dinner money
· physical signs such as cuts, bruises, torn clothing
· expressions of violence in writings or drawings

So can you protect your child in the first place?

Yes. And how do you make this happen? The answer is to build up your child's self-confidence, so that (s)he does not show up on the bully's radar. Bullies are cowards who will only pick on a ready victim. A child with low self-esteem is likely to be inviting the bully to be disrespectful.

Children who are confident have a head start in life. They are:

c Able to accept and learn from their own mistakes
c Confident without being arrogant or conceited
c Not demoralised by criticism or mild teasing
c Able to deal with their own feelings
c Not easily upset by setbacks or obstacles
c Unlikely to feel a need to put others down
c Assertive but not aggressive in communicating their needs
c Not too worried about failing or looking foolish
c More likely to resist peer pressure
c Able to bounce back from disappointments and failures
c Able to cope with change
c Able to say 'No', without offending the other person

Bullies avoid people with a strong sense of character. Building up your child's self-esteem is going to impact on his/her ability to manage life's ups and downs, not only at school, but at work, in the family and in relationships. The earlier you start the better. Strengthen your child's self-confidence and you will be helping him/her along the path to success.

How to Protect Your Child From Bullies, shows you how to build up your child's self-confidence.

It also shows your child how to handle bullies, resist peer pressure, manage friendship problems, cliques and gossips, master the art of body-language, combat mobile-phone and cyber-bullying, diffuse potentially confrontational situations and develop assertiveness.

If your child is being bullied, it is your duty to bring it to the attention of the school.

Having been a headteacher for many years, I can also say that the need to work together on this issue is paramount.

It is very important that you establish from the beginning that you are all on the same side.

If your child is being bullied then you are naturally and understandably upset. You have a right to complain and to expect that the school will act to stop the bullying and ensure that it does not happen again.

Schools are committed to resolving this problem. It is expected that they have an anti-bullying policy which is transparent and available for scrutiny. It will have been sanctioned by the school governors and will be a very significant document in the school.

The school's policy should detail:

* Who is in charge of the school's anti-bullying policy

* What children should do if they are bullied

* What to expect if they bully someone else in the school

* Where to get help if they are bullied

* How to follow up with a complaint if the issue is not dealt with satisfactorily.

However, in order to set up a collaborative relationship then you need to try to tackle the subject in a constructive and non-aggressive way, even though you are probably very emotional by this stage.

It may be that the teachers simply do not know what has been going on. There may be two sides to the story, of which you have not previously been aware.

Try not to blame, demand or threaten.

* Make an appointment, rather than rush into school. The teacher or headteacher may be busy on other matters and you need to have plenty of time to resolve the issue.

* It might be a good idea to script what you intend to say and take some notes in with you. Often the fewer words you use, the more impact you make.

* Take the diary of events and any other evidence you have with you.

* Take a notebook to document what is said and what action is being promised.

* Be persistent.

* Ask to see the school's anti-bullying policy and the code of conduct.

* Ask to see the school's accident book and insist that any injuries are recorded in it.

* Collaborate as much as possible and only go down the route of complaint if there is no other line of action left.

* Don't take the situation into your own hands by tackling the bully or their parents.

* Send your record of the meeting to the headteacher. It will show that you are serious about the issue.

* Arrange a follow-up meeting to discuss the action taken and the outcomes.

* Continue to monitor the situation and keep the diary going.

* Continue to support your child in building up his anti-bullying shield (see the book, 'How to Protect Your Child From Bullies').

* If the bullying does not stop, inform the headteacher that you are taking matters further.

* Send a copy of your letters to the Chair of Governors. You can get that address from the school secretary. Ask for the bullying problem to be put on the agenda at the next Governors' meeting.

* Contact your local education authority and find out who is the designated education officer for the school. Send copies of your letters to him/her.

* If all else fails and you decide to move to another school, then make sure that you look for a caring school with an effective anti-bullying policy. Speak to existing parents and tap into the local grapevine by speaking to the mums and dads who are standing in the playground at the end of the school day.

We all need friends.

The message could not be clearer: the way to make friends is to be friendly.

You may feel that you need to exert power over others and that you will gain respect this way. If you understand this message right now, you will save yourself from a lifetime of loneliness: what you are doing by bullying is achieving the exact opposite of what you want. You are demonstrating that you are lacking in character; you are losing the respect of others and you could find it very difficult to get it back. But this needn't be so.

If you want power, please realise that you can have the most awesome power by helping other children to feel good about themselves - how much better does that feel?

Walk down the corridor and say hello to one of your previous victims, using their name, smiling with a genuine concern for their happiness. Ask them about their lives. See how many friends you start to gather this way. Today, you could use your power to change a victim into a friend. What an incredible opportunity you have!

The kind of person who attracts friends is unselfish, giving and always puts being kind above the need for personal gain. Learn this really important message now and change from being a bully into a friend-magnet.

Good luck. If you need more support, come and join our Forum here.

Mumszone Link Directory

This story is about your son, my son, the lad next door ...

Jonathan Reynolds, a 15-year-old in South Wales, was killed by a train after he laid on the tracks to commit suicide in January 2006 because he had been bullied in school over his sexuality, an inquest heard last week. According to the Times Online, Reynolds had confided to a friend he was gay just weeks earlier.

The paper reports: "Moments before he died, Jonathan Reynolds sent harrowing text messages to his family telling that them they were not to blame for what was about to happen. A passer-by saw him holding the mobile as he lay down on the tracks in front of a train travelling at 85mph (136km/h) through Pencoed railway station near Bridgend, South Wales. In his last text message sent to his father, Mark, and his 14-year-old sister, Samantha, the teenager wrote: 'Tell everyone that this is for anybody who eva said anything bad about me, see I do have feelings too. Blame the people who were horrible and injust 2 me. This is because of them, I am human just like them. I hope they rot in hell 4 what they made me do. They know who they are.' He added: 'None of you blame urself mum, dad, Sam and the rest of my family. This is not because of you.' A postmortem examination showed that Jonathan, who achieved a grade A in his GCSE Welsh oral exam on the day he died, had a blood-alcohol level three and a half times the legal limit for driving."

A man walking his dog was witness to Reynolds' final moments: "He had a mobile in his hand. I called out and said, 'Get off the track'. He looked at me and just put his head back down and I saw him walking across the track. I was walking across the bridge and he was walking across the track and he seemed to lie down and the train came."

Surely this can't go on in this day and age?

The Times Online reference is:
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/uk/article1873278.ece

* Search cupboards, garden sheds, under the beds, or anywhere your child might have a 'den'

* Alert your family and friends and neighbours.
* Look for evidence that your child might have run away:
* Have you recently had an argument?
* Are there any clothes missing?
* Is there a disturbing situation at home (eg divorce, alcoholism)?
* Has your child's mood changed uncharacteristically?
* Is the child under-performing in school recently
* Has the child spent more time on the computer recently
* Could the child be taking drugs or other illegal substances?

If the answers are mostly 'no', then your child is not likely to have run away and you should call the police immediately.

Whilst you are waiting for the police, gather together:

* A recent photo
* A full description of the child's age, height, weight, birthmarks, what they were last wearing
* DNA evidence ( eg a used toothbrush)
* Where the child was last seen and when

When the police arrive:

* Be honest about recent events at home - it could save vital time
* Take details of who is covering the case, get contact names and phone numbers

Follow through:

* Notify the media - especially local radio, television and newspapers
* Contact your country's Missing Person's Department
* Ask friends, relatives and neighbours to start door-to-door enquiries
* Inform the local clergy or your religious organisation
* Post someone at the home phone, keeping the phone line open at all times.
* Share new information with the police at every stage