Projectile Vomiting For Beginners - A Cats Guide

Projectile Vomiting For Beginners
By Sass The Incredible Vomiting Cat

My name is Sass, The Incredible Vomiting Cat. I am a tabby point Siamese and I live in London with a group of felines known as the Freddie Street Cats and a couple of human slaves. This Cats Guide is all about the creative art of projectile vomiting. I hope it will help young cats in their struggles to improve their technique.

As my nickname suggests, I have a little difficulty with my digestion. Most notably, I tend to re-decorate the house on a daily basis. The humans often refer to me as the Pump Action Double Barrelled Shot Cat. Their sense of humour leaves a lot to be desired!

Projectile vomiting is a specialty of mine and I have favourite spots around the house from which to practice my aim.

Places

The kitchen counter is a good one, especially aiming at the hob if something is cooking, or at the table if they are eating.

Outside the bedroom door in the middle of the night. Good for stepping in!

On the stairs. Good for stepping in and for the nuisance value. We live at the top of a tall house, so if I do it at the bottom, it's not found until the victim is on their way out. They then have to go all the way up again to get the cleaning things.

Things

On any piece of furniture. Usually I would pick the best furniture or the newest sofa, but generally anywhere it is likely to be sat in. In particular I like the kitchen chairs. Because they are pushed under the table, it gives me a good opportunity for an ambush. I vomit on the seat (which I can get onto with a squeeze,) during the night. The victim comes into the kitchen in the morning, half asleep and partially dressed, pulls out the chair and sits without looking. Gotcha!

In hats, shoes, handbags, slippers and any other container you can find open, ie: the biscuit tin.

Victims

For the victims maximum embarrassment you should always perform in front of, or over visitors, or in any bag they leave conveniently within reach. Suitcases are a useful target in this context. Either you've managed to ruin the outfit they were planning to wear that night or it won't be found until the visitor is packing to go home again. By which time it's nicely fermented. They've been wondering what that smell was for days but were too polite to ask!

Drama

For drama, pick any electrical object. Hairdryers and computers are my targets. If you time this well the results should at least be an unusable item until it has dried out, or an explosion! Beware, this one can backfire on you. I have a few singed whiskers to prove that.

On other cats. This leads to a frantic chase around the house as the victim flees in disgust with the humans in hot pursuit. This is a good method for maximizing the spread of vomit at high speed.

Best of all is on the bed, and especially any sleeping humans, in the middle of the night. This I save for special occasions. By the way, if they are badly hung over it's an absolute must.

Aim

Anywhere that gives you the opportunity to show off your amazing aim and the distances you can cover.

From the backs of chairs and sofas where you can aim for the television or the window (particularly when someone is looking in!), the budgie or their prize pictures on the walls.

From the top of the fridge, where you can aim for anyone entering the kitchen.

From the shelf in the bathroom where you can catch them on the toilet. This one can have amusing results depending on their ability to remember where they are in an emergency!

Anywhere that's inaccessible. My favourite is down the back of the wardrobe.

You get the idea.

Sass

The Incredible Vomiting Cat