Puns Puns Puns

I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.

A princess gets her education one knight at a time.

If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

The guy was on his death bed and couldn't stop coffin.

No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a-head.

I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital.

When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium, at large.

The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

A backward poet writes in-verse.

In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

Don't join dangerous cults, practice safe sects!

An Unemployed person who's particular about the job s/he wants when signing on in a Job Center: A dis-earning discerning person.

Pencils could be made with erasers at both ends, but what would be the point?

The man who worked at the watch factory was very funny. He stood about all day making faces.

After working for 24 hours straight he called it a day.

He bent over to pick up a sieve and strained himself.

He was so good with a chainsaw that he was promoted to branch manager.

She got fired from the hot dog stand for putting her hair in a bun.

A blond, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself out as a "handywoman" and started canvassing the neighborhoods. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said. "How much will you charge me?"

The blond quickly responded, "How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need was in the garage. The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize
that our porch goes all the way around the house?"

He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"

The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blond jokes we've been getting by email lately."

A short time later, the blond handywoman came to the door to collect her money.

"You finished already?" the husband asked.

"Yes," the blond replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats - no extra charge."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to her.

"And by the way," the blond added, "it's not a Porch -- it's a Lexus."

I couldn't quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to me.

Randy was discharged from the Marines because he was rotten to the corps. (Mash)

NED: I was arrested for committing lewd acts atop a dolphin!

ED: Really?! Are you guilty?

NED: No way! Even though they caught me, there was a misunderstanding.

ED: Are you saying you didn't do it on porpoise?

A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

When the thief fell in the wet cement and broke both legs, he became a hardened criminal.

Dead owls don't give a hoot.

I walked out of my house and was immediately hit in the head with a slice of ham. That was followed by a pound of ground beef, then a couple
of rashers of bacon. I called 911 and reported what happened. They said, "Of course, we're having meatier showers."

Catamite: Yeast Extract for felines.

Someone put Viagra in the town's water supply. After four hours, the doctors were swamped. The competition was stiff.

• All hard drives will crash during their lifetime
  
• More than 1 in 10 laptops will be stolen in their lifetime
  
• A laptop is stolen every 53 seconds
  
• Every year 46% of computer users lose their music, photos, and documents
  
• 50% of all hard drives will crash within 5 years
  
• 89.1% of PC users don't perform regular backups
  
• A recent study from Gartner, Inc., found that 90 percent of companies that experience data loss go out of business within two years.
  
• 70 percent of companies go out of business after a major data loss

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