PURPLE PEOPLE EATER

Before delving into all you ever wanted to know about the "purple people eater", perhaps it's helpful to consider why he finds "purple people" so tasty.

Apparently scientists have concluded that "purple people" are usually the offspring of "red-neck" and "blue-blooded" parents. Being a combination character means that purple people often "middle-of-the-road" munchkins who are just trying to get along in a color-coded world that often doesn't recognize, accept or include them because they're different.

This probably accounts for the reason why one-eyed, one-horned flying creatures have a particular penchant for devouring "purple people". Frankly, "purple people" are easy to pick out in a crowd - they're the colorful characters, not the typical people-pleasing ones. So it's not hard to see why if a one-eyed, one-horned, unidentified flying object had the grumbles in his tummy and hated high-calorie homo-sapien snacks like burgers, fries and fizzy water, he might be attracted to the "purple people" on the planet.

In an effort to save the lives of "purple people" and promote downtown commerce and development, one American color-blind community has stepped up to the plate. They are now building a "purple bridge" that will help bring people back and forth between Ohio and Kentucky. It seems the "purple bridge" is one of the few places that "purple people" can hang out without fear of being rejected by the pesky people of Round Bottom, Hicksville and Knockemstiff, Ohio or the feisty folks from Big Bone Lick, Rabbit Hash, and Monkey's Eyebrow, Kentucky).

Word has it that "purple people" (especially those with lovely lavender locks who adore wearing purple metallic corset outfits are also congregate at "The Purple Onion" cafe and night club San Francisco, California. On the other hand, maybe they were a figment of everyone's imagination and were really shooshing down the slopes in Mirebel, France at the "Purple Ski Resort".

There are some in the scientific community who dispute the generally accepted theory that one-eyed, one-horned flying creatures eat only "purple people". These pundits of pith and piffle prefer the notion that there is a dangerous alien species of one-eyed, one-horned flying purple people eaters out there who have a taste for all homo-sapiens independent of their age, color, gender, occupation, or religion.

On the other hand, while the banks are being bailed out by big government, at lease some folks know how that "The Purple People Collective" is the place for laid off tech people go to band together and find some work in a really crappy economy.

"Two nudists of Dover,
Being purple all over,
Were munched by a cow
When mistaken for clover."

-- Ogden Nash, (1902-1971), American poet, author and lyric writer

The authoritative source on "purple people eaters" is Shelby "Sheb" F. Wooley, a character actor, composer and recording artist best known for his 1958 novelty hit song, "Purple People Eater".

Purple People Eater - Lyrics by Sheb Wooley

Well I saw the thing comin' out of the sky
It had the one long horn, one big eye
I commenced to shakin' and I said "ooh-eee"
It looks like a purple eater to me

It was a one-eyed, one-horned, flyin' purple people eater
(One-eyed, one-horned, flyin' purple people eater)
A one-eyed, one-horned, flyin' purple people eater
Sure looks strange to me (One eye?)

Well he came down to earth and he lit in a tree
I said Mr. Purple People Eater, don't eat me
I heard him say in a voice so gruff
I wouldn't eat you cuz you're so tough

It was a one-eyed, one-horned, flyin' purple people eater
One-eyed, one-horned flyin' purple people eater
One-eyed, one-horned, flyin' purple people eater
Sure looks strange to me (One horn?)

I said Mr. Purple People Eater, what's your line
He said it's eatin' purple people and it sure is fine
But that's not the reason that I came to land
I wanna get a job in a rock and roll band

Well bless my soul, rock and roll, flyin' purple people eater
Pigeon-toed, undergrowed, flyin' purple people eater
(We wear short shorts)
Flyin' purple people eater
Sure looks strange to me

And then he swung from the tree and he lit on the ground
He started to rock, really rockin' around
It was a crazy ditty with a swingin' tune
Sing a boop boop aboopa lopa lum bam boom

Well bless my soul, rock and roll, flyin' purple people eater
Pigeon-toed, undergrowed, flyin' purple people eater
I like short shorts
Flyin' little people eater
Sure looks strange to me (Purple People?)

And then he went on his way, and then what do ya know
I saw him last night on a TV show
He was blowing it out, a'really knockin' em dead
Playin' rock and roll music through the horn in his head

___________

Photo Credit Insert: Guitar tribute to Sheb Wooley's "Flying Purple People Eater" song at the "Rock & Roll Museum" in Cleveland, Ohio; (jawbone radio's photostream at flickr.com).

Never let it be said that Sheb Wooley had the last word on the ever-popular purple people eater.

Another country music man by the name of Joe South, added yet another chapter to the tale of the "purple people eater".

In this iteration of odd things that happen on a planet called Earth, the ugly, unidentified flying object (a trumpet-blowing beast from outer space) teams up with an unprepossessing, unconventional type better known to many as a mean guitar-picking Witch Doctor.

THE PURPLE PEOPLE EATER MEETS THE WITCH DOCTOR" - Lyrics by Joe South

While strolling through the woods,
Not so far from town,
I got real shook.
I heard the strangest sound.

I saw the Purple People Eater,
And to my surprise,
I saw the Witch Doctor sittin' by his side.

Woah!
The Witch Doctor had a guitar in his hand.
They were boppin' and a-rockin',
With a ???? band.

Well the Purple was a blowin',
Like a People Eater should.
The Witch Doctor picked,
Like a Johnny B. Goode.

[Chorus:]
There went a-...
Eww eee,
Ewww huh ha.
Ewww, huh...
Walla walla ding dun.
[End Chorus]

Yeah, the Doctor got in trouble,
When the People Eater said,
The girls keep a-laughin'
At the horn in my head.

Then the Witch Doctor smiled,
And I heard him say,
Yeah man, you're ugly,
But you sure can play.

Well there in the moonlight,
It sure seemed strange,
While he played a little chorus of,
Home On The Range.

They were comin' in strong,
Like a rock n' roll star.
With the craziest beat,
This side of Mars.

[repeat chorus]

Yeah, these cats from outer space,
They were givin' it all.
I could tell the way they jumped it,
They were havin' a ball.

They had me pattin' my feet,
And just a clappin' my hands.
They stopped just long enough to say,
Crazy man!

Yeah!
Twilight time,
When the sun goes down,
Way back up in the woods,
Along the edge of town,
Yeah, the people all gather
From a-miles around,
To hear Doc and ole Purple with that crazy sound.

[repeat chorus]

One more time...
Okay...

[repeat chorus]

Wait til they see us on American Bandstand!
Crazy man,
Crazy!
Ha ha ha ha...

What does the Purple People Eater do to join in the fun and festivities.

Frankly, he would like nothing better than to take a long winter's nap after devouring either Santa or the Grinch, but that's not likely to happen any time soon.

So, in the meantime, he's getting in the spirit of spunk by opening up a trunk filled with all manner of garish goodies.

Let's see there's a sparkling special effect purple ball or pretty peculiar purple ornament to hang on his 4 1/2 foot pre-lit tinsel Christmas tree or a tawdry two-foot twig tinsel tree.

And, what would the holidays be without some amusing attire like a lovely Leopard Print Purple Santa Hat and a matching Leopard Print Purple Stocking.

The only thing left is to find some ripsnorting reindeer who will do as they're told. Of course, that's not hard to do when the Purple People Eater belts out his favorite tinsel tune, "Purple Reindeer":

The Purple Reindeer Song

My reindeer flies sideways; she's better than yours.
My reindeer can cha-cha, and she can open up doors.

Bum ba dum bum bum bum

My reindeer is purple; yours is a pea green.
My reindeer's a Girl Scout, and she can dig a latrine.

Bum ba dum bum bum bum bum.

__________

Image Credit: The Great Devourer by Joe Alterio@flickr.com