Quipping Queen

There is much speculation as to who is the Monarch of Mirth?

Some have said that she is a figment of a frightfully fanciful if not fractured imagination.

Others have suggested that she is an altogether arcane alliterationist with a penchant for picayune piffle.

Those with their finger on the pulse of humanity and their thumb on a computer keyboard space bar have dared to ask one rather obvious question: Who is the Quipping Queen?

In response to this carefully worded inquiry, no less than 2,900 responses have been given according to "Yahoo!Answers".

Not to be outdone by this staggering wealth of information about this unknown personage, the gurus at Google have delivered no less than 48,500 answers to the same question.

For those who don't trust technology to come up with one brief, definitive, logical, and simple answer, please gaze at your own navel for further inspiration. If that doesn't work, please consult a pack of Tarot cards or dial up the "Psychic Friends Network" and ask for guidance from beyond as to what is her true purpose here on Earth, if you really must be in the know.
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Image Credit: stockphotos.it/1275786043

As Shakespeare once said, "Brevity is the soul of wit", so without further ado, here's a BRIEF HISTORY OF HRH-Quipping Queen:

For those with an abiding curiosity about a mirthful majesty better known as "H.R.H. The Quipping Queen & Empress of Eccentricity":

Birthdate: How indiscreet of you to ask!

Birthplace: On an island situated in the middle of a river on a planet called Earth that is smack dab somewhere in a great big galaxy known affectionately as "The Milky Way".

Birthsign: Scorpio (a maven of metamorphosis in the Western world), and Rooster (a boisterous barnyard beast in the Eastern world).

Parents: Two pleasing personalities at last count , (since my mother did not believe that tall tale about "Immaculate Conception").

Marital Status: If you mean do I have a spouse or significant other to boost my morale, let me assure you, it is not sagging!

Education: Never attended kindergarten (it did not exist in my day). Completed 12 years of reading, writing and arithmetic supplemented by breathtakingly-boring and utterly useless courses in cooking, sewing, plus health and personal development. Graduated from university with a degree that allows me to talk to plants, admonish pet rocks, and keep a lid on things while everyone else is blowing off steam.

Wise Words of Wisdom: Never trust anything that requires you rub its tummy.

HRH-QQ's Net Worth: Excluding her baubles, bangles and beads, Technorati.com has estimated that her bodacious blog entitled "Quipping Queen" is worth the humble sum of $8,468.10. While folks at Blogshares.com value her wonky wordsmith web contribution on "Wordorium" worth a mere two thousand ducats or two.

Many readers have inquired as to whether Her Royal Highness, The Quipping Queen & Empress of Eccentricity (or HRH-QQ for short) actually exists.

The short answer is "Yes"!

Her given name at birth was "Victoria Elizabeth", but it was not until she reached the age of spunk and substance that she truly appreciated her heavy-duty "handle".

Frankly with two matriarchal monarchs in her libertine lineage, she decided it was high time that she acquired her very own red carpet, a priceless pen name to go along with it, not to mention a rather grand throne room (affectionately referred to as "a posh powder room" that she has all to herself)!

So, in the interests of brevity and decorum, she wishes to share with her loyal subjects and off-beat admirers some dazzling details and gratuitous facts regarding her ludicrous life so far.

Really Riveting Personal Stuff:

Date of Birth: Sometime between the twinkle in her father's Celtic eye and her mother's experiment with something called "The Rhythm Method".

Birthplace: Venerable home to "poutine", "the Habs", and someone called "Celine"!

Marital Status: Formerly wed-locked sufficiently long enough to bear a knight-in-shining armor with wings (who simply adores saving damsels-in-distress or watching drama queens try to stuff their excess wardrobe into a compact 22-lb clutch "purse" before boarding his aircraft).

Favorite Wine: "My Way Chardonnay" (a marvelleous "Megalomaniac Wine" offering).

Obscure Awards and Achievements: MacLean Method of Writing Certificate (Grade 3); 1978 Employment & Immigration Canada Typing Test Result - a staggering 79 wpm! Awarded a doughty dialogue and debate diploma by the Socratic Order of Sandboxes (SOS) since she was neither a strong contender for a trophy in the "Crumpet-Eating Croquet Contest" nor qualified as a wicked winker in the annual "Tactful Tiddywink Tournament".

For those who are keen to know about the jest-in-time jobs held by HRH-QQ throughout her illustrious career, be forewarned...this list is incredibly insigificant if not indecently innocuous!

· Part-time summer job as a Lemonade Stand Sales Rep. (Sold five 8-ounce glasses to three adults and two thirsty animals on a hot summer day - long before we had GST).

· Designer and printer of custom-made greeting cards for folks without funny bones. (Spent one year with oodles of colorful silk-screen paint under my well-manicured false nails).

· Chief Cook & Bottle-Washer at a fishing lodge with a lot of strange-looking bottom-suckers. Later promoted to Camp Counselor where I discovered that not all rattlesnakes, skunks and porcupines live in zoos or pet stores. (A selection of "odd" summer jobs that I enjoyed in the Interior of British Columbia and in Northern California%u2026home to many fruitcakes and nuts).

· University Administrator (a.k.a. Certified Apple Polisher) who invented "management by smiling" (MBS) and found time to organize fabulous weekly whine-and-cheese parties (called "scientific seminars") for some very merry misanthropic munchkins wearing white lab coats.

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Design and Photo Credit: Mary Englebreit.

Surely there's more to H.R.H. The Quipping Queen & Empress of Eccentricity than meets the eye.

As fate would have it, HRH-QQ did spend some time working for a living before she appointed herself as Queen of Quippery. She refers to her previous pastime as 15 Years of Fun-Filled Fantasy in Fortune-Cookie Land).

For the benefit of peering paparazzi, the brilliant blueblood biographer and fanciful factotum, Sir Harold Twitterby, has compiled a light-hearted list of merry milestones achieved thus far in HRH-QQ's jocular journey through life:

· Having been scorched by a few fire-breathing dragons and trounced by one too many testy trolls in her life (that is before ascending her thrumping great throne), Victoria Elizabeth (HRH-QQ) decided to put her latitudinarian if not altogether lollygagging repertoire to good use on her first consulting assignment by creating a "Think & Doodle Manual" for fops, fusspots and flibbertygibbets.

· With lots of spunk and gumption under her belt, she then began to take on more challenging tasks such as writing clear, concise, and cogent client reports (about as fun to read as the adventures of "Dick-and-Jane" and their phonetically-challenged animal companions, "Puff and Spot").

· She later discovered that what clients truly valued was time-honored, well-honed Spanish Inquisition skills designed to eliminate a plethora of pesky problems (rather than simply waiting for Godot to show up and solve them).

· Having acquired oodles of tangential experience, she repackaged her resume and began offering career-counselling advice to those keen on exploring hitherto unanswered yet compelling questions like: "What's the name of that pretty pink elephant sitting in your living room? How do you get rid of a boisterous bull in a China shop? Why is the Spirit of Serendipity pissing on my parade? Where do Superman, Bat Man, Spider Woman, and the Tooth Fairy all go for a fantastic night off?"

· Most recently she was appointed to the illustrious position of "Dean of Do-This-Do-That" at the critically acclaimed Lemming Leadership Institute. When not gazing at her navel, she can be found giving guest lectures on a variety of vacuous topics including but not limited to the following fields of study: "Balderdash & Bunkum for Beginners", "Blissful Blundering", and "Bang-Up Business Botch-Ups Worth Noting".

It may be hard to believe but HRH-QQ* admits to having a few hidden talents, skills, and experience (other than what appears in misbegotten media reports).

· Established contrarianN communicationS, to publish Pith & Vinegar Times (a literary laughingstock), The Lost Lemon News Service (a delightful weird news archive), and Foolscap (a nincompoop newsletter for fopdoodles and fonkins).

· Wrote popular purse-size pieces of piffle such as The Glossary of Glitch and a syncopated sequel entitled The Abridged Version of the Flop Glossary not to mention a tantalizingly tiny tome called, The Glorious Glossary of SNIT (capable of fitting conveniently into a posh powder room reading rack).

· Organized "Victoria's Inaugural Feast of Fools" (honoring April Fools' Day, an occasion most people would just as soon forget if at all possible.)

· Co-wrote online content for an amusing, off-beat website called ribald-humor.com that received 30,000 hits monthly (relying only on word-of-mouth).

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*For the benefit of those who haven't got a clue about what high brow humor is all about, Wikipedia provides a comprehensive definition of the word "Quip".

Most would probably agree that there is nothing "minor" about a maven named "HRH-QQ".

For those intrigued by what constitutes a curious career path, here is a laundry list of dubious feats accomplished (in her own words):

· Won "2004 BlogsCanada Award" for creating "The Quipping Queen". Received 2005 Honorable Mention by the Editors of Pseudodictionary.com. and nominated for recognition by the "Rock Paper Scissors Improv Group" having tickled the funnybones far too many fools that year. Received 2005 Humor Writing Award by "Victoria News" for a 'Funny Christmas Story', and received a naming award by the Whistler Writer's Group. Presented the 2006 Blogger-A-Day (BAD) Award by Liz Strauss, (a saloon-keeper's daughter & a rare blog-star who knows a puckish Canuck when she sees one). Named "Grand Punjandrum" by Wordlab.com for contributing more than 4,000 names to their creative forum. And to top things off, her mini mirth site dedicated to "2008 Year of the Rat" was awarded "Lens of the Day" by Squidoo.com in January 2008, and her wacky "Weird Words" site was awarded the title "2007 Honorable Mention Lens of the Year" in February 2008!

· Became a single mother without relying on welfare. (Now if only I could remember my seven-digit PIN number and navigate my way through that maze of voice-activated instructions for touch-tone-telephone-banking, I'd be a flaming genius!)

· Became a substitute teacher and videoconference lecturer without ever having taken an education course. (What else does one do living in a remote community when it's 50 below zero eleven and a half months a year and buggy beyond belief during two-weeks of summer?)

· Produced an education video although I had no experience in script writing. (It became a popular "dead space filler" for a community TV channel).

· Translated French documents into English for doctors, lawyers, and university profs, even though I had no formal training. (Maybe that qualifies me for a bilingual government job?)

· Became a ukulele fanatic and funky folk music guitarist, (but don't ask if I can "Tiptoe through the Tulips" like Tiny Tim, yodel like a Swiss herdsman, or tell a joke without a teleprompter).

· Organized trade delegations to some pretty quaint if not forgotten places on the map even though I never took a political science course, held a government job, or had any formal event management training.

· Learned how to use a dull hatchet, pitch a tent during a rain storm, cook without matches, navigate by the stars and a compass, and squat to relieve myself without splashing my sneakers. (But don't ask me how to change a tire, cook a gourmet meal on a barbecue, or decorate a Victorian commode like Martha Stewart).

For those who love to be in the know, do check out check out her potty personal profile on the "LinkedIn" module below.

HRH QUIPPING QUEEN'S PERSONAL PHILOSOPHY:

Be true to yourself and laugh a little every day, because levity always defies gravity!

Her second piece of advice:

If the barnyard of life gets you down, remember to call a politician, preacher, pundit, or p.r. professional. (Only they know the true value of frequent flushing, prescriptive purging, and winsome whitewashing.)

And, her final piece of advice:

Become an eccentric equestrian who rides a hobbyhorse, puts damp togs on a drying horse, and never ever looks a gift-horse in the mouth!

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*HRH-QQ Has also been known to make off-the-cuff, off-the-topic and sometimes off-the-wall contributions to such online forums as "Wordlab.com" and "Verbotomy.com".

Note: When not occupying herself with amiable affairs of state, HRH-QQ enjoys walkabouts in the mist, (referred to by locals as "liquid sunshine"), that hides her quirky castle situated near a harbor tourist trap, better known as the hot-air headquarters of a provincial government in Victoria, British Columbia, Canada.

Image Credit: Q is for Queen, Illustrator - la salebete@flickr.com

On the other hand, if you're a zesty zoomer, perhaps you'll find my puckish profile in another pondering pool (that's less taxing on the cerebellum).

HRH-Quipping Queen (a.k.a. HRH-QQ) has often been referred to as an "eccentric bit of ephemera" if not a "tantalizing tempest in a teapot".

So it should come as no surprise to anyone that there is more to HRH-QQ than meets the eye.

As a matter of fact, there are ten things very few folks know about her:

1. As a "Scorpio", she has three things going for her: she's obstinate, odd, and can be a tad overbearing at times when poked, prodded, or provoked by pesky personalities). On the other hand, she's also earned a reputation for being a sultry scamp, a saucy siren, and a simply scintillating sovereign on her good days.

2. She doesn't like wimpy watercress sandwiches or for that matter watermelons, (a fruit that's full of little black seeds that get stuck in one's teeth).

3. When not decked out in all her royal regalia, she adores wearing tight-fitting trousers, a large white sun hat, and a pair of sharp, shiny, silver spurs.

4. Nicknames given to her include: Buglugs, Mugwump, Snicklefritz, Snookums and Yahootee.

5. Those who have supervised her, (which is rare as it is said that she is not known to take direction well), affectionately refer to her as either "Big Vic" or "Miss Effy".

6. She doesn't own any Corgis; indeed, the only pet in her possession was a hampster named "Alexander the Great", (who ran away one day to join the circus and has never been heard from since).

7. Her favorite tunes from bygone days include: Does Your Chewing Gum Lose Its Flavor on the Bedpost Overnight?", "Puff the Magic Dragon", and "Raindrops Keep Fallin on My Head".

8. She does not share a fondness for horses, ponies, or mules; (on the other hand, perhaps these four-legged fetlocks do not share a passion for people with precocious personalities).

9. Peculiar places that she has visited during her brief lifespan on planet earth include: "Fanny Bay", "Spuzzum", and "Youbou" (all obsure, off-the-beaten-track, and out-of-the-way holes in the wall in "Beautiful British Columbia", Canada).

10. If truth be told, she would love to host a dearly-departed dinner-party, provided of course the following guests of honor would accept her invitation: Alfred Hitchcock, Mae West, Socrates, Douglas Adams, The Scarlet Pimpernel, Cleopatra, Katharine Hepburn, Helen of Troy, Flip Wilson, Victor Borge, Winston Churchill and a puppet prince or politician.

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Image Credit: www.nzhistory.net.nz

For those of you who have never let their fingers walk over their computer keyboard to the Queendom of Quaffers, Quibblers and Quidnuncs, shame on you.

The Court of the Quipping Queen is filled with many colorful characters:

Adrian Air-of-Sleet, HRH-QQ's potty Personal Secretary and Royal Biographer.

Aphrodite Beamish, a buxum brown-noser.

Hugo Hotagen, a loyal lapdog.

Lady Beatrice Blitterlees & Lord Earl Craboon, a titillating pair of twits.

Ovid Publius Hadweenzic, Ph.D. a humorous hot-air bag.

Patience Pantperhog, a sight for sore eyes.

Samantha Tooting-Beck, an unforgettable ungulate.

Sir Harold Twitterby, a blue-blooded busybody.

Theolonius McTavish, a whiskered wunderkin worth his weight in salt.

The Right Honorable James Offleyhoo, a gregarious grand Pooh Bah.

Those who enjoy puck and puffery have this to say about HRH-QQ:

"SQUIDZILLA has its eye on your lens as a tasty morsel to devour." -- K.C. Stargazer, Groupmaster & Keeper of "Squidzilla".

"I've stopped over at your blog and it's marvelous! I was reading "Things Perfectly Normal Beasts Do" and thought of my daughter ..." -- Yvonne Divita of Windsor Media's "Lip-Sticking Blog" and author of "Dickless Marketing: Smart Marketing to Women Online".

"We liked your site but weren't sure how to classify and categorize it into a neat little cubbyhole. Finally, I created a "diversions" page and included you; I think many if not most of our customers have an urgent need to read it." -- John, The Assistant Stockroom Troll and Teresa, Customer Happiness Facilitator at The Restless Mouse Gags & Gifts.

"Love your blog, -- it's now on my favorites list. ...I've just idled into Quipping Queen, and see you're still merrily blogging. Well done, you." -- Lindsey Dawson, writer, speaker, and word whiz from New Zealand.

"You have a riveting web log and undoubtedly must have atypical & quiescent potential for your intended readership." -- The Editor, Harvard Humor Club

"Your book and blog are very funny." -- Eric Siegel, Ph.D., Nutcasebooks.com.

"Your blog is not only funny, but is always full of interesting facts and commentary." -- K. Gentleman, journalism student at Carleton University.

"What a lovely blog I've discovered." -- Tea and Margaritas

"These made me chuckle. May I say how much I enjoy your blog, O Fairest Queen of Quips. -- Cooper

"Ha ha! Excellent! Your verse is perverse and your writing is biting. -- JudgeG.

"Well done QQ. You're the best." -- Prairie Girl at Blogspot.

"Very nice humor. Once again you have quipped me into a literary frenzy with your gently scented prose." -- Superflywebpimp, genius author of TheParagraphNovels.blogspot.com.

"This is terribly funny! Thanks for the chuckles from Canada." - -Silent Lucidity

"Too funny. Thanks for the laugh." -- Meryl K. Evans, Web Design Guide.

"I admire your writing skill and wit." -- John

"Nice blog." -- Duke

Here is a delightful dispatch that I received in my in-basket today. I thought it worthy of publication since it is after all about ripsorting royal advice from a Monarch of Merriment to a chaotic colony in the "New World".

"To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II.

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1.You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up aluminum, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as "colour", "favour", "labour" and "neighbour." Likewise, you will learn to spell "doughnut" without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise'. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (Look up "vocabulary").

3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let M*crosoft know on your behalf. The M*crosoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter "u" and the elimination of "-ize".

4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not ready to shoot grouse.

6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

7. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

8. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

9. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

10. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting Nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

11. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in "Four Weddings and a Funeral" was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

12. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body Armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try Rugby - the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.

13. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

14. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

15. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

16. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with clotted cream) when in season.

God Save the Queen!"