Raising Infertility Awareness and Coping with Fertility Struggles

Are you aware of the statistics regarding infertility? Based on CDC statistics from 2002, 7.3 million women in the United States ages 15-44 were reported to have "impaired fecundity" (impaired ability to have children). That made the percent of women ages 15-44 with impaired fecundity 11.8%. RESOVE states that 1 in 8 men and women deal with infertility, and as high as 1 in 6 couples may face fertility struggles, making this far from a matter which affects only a select few.

Typically from a medical standpoint, infertility is defined as an inability to conceive after a year of regular intercourse with no contraception. For women over 35, doctors will often recommend seeing a fertility specialist after 6 months instead of waiting for a full year due to a woman's chance of conceiving naturally already dropping quickly after this age.

The factors which cause infertility are many, including ovulation difficulties, endometriosis, polycystic ovary syndrome, sperm disorders and other unexplained factors. While many fertility treatments are available today, most of these treatments are very expensive and insurance coverage is limited, at best. Many couples will spend tens of thousands of dollars, if not much more than that, in an attempt to combat infertility with no guarantee these treatments will work. Meanwhile their relationships often suffer great emotional as well as financial strain before either achieving success or deciding to stop pursuing treatment.

Some couples choose not to go through stressful and physically demanding treatments, instead seeking adoption as a way to build their families. Yet adoption is not the answer nor even a possibility for all couples. For others, the fight becomes how to accept a future without children. Those with infertility should not be judged or questioned on what methods they do or don't chose to pursue to build a family - not by their fertile friends and family nor by others in the infertility community.

The social network Facebook has helped bring millions of people closer together, but for those coping with infertility Facebook can become a hazardous place to spend time. Indeed, even The Washington Post called Facebook a Minefield for Infertile Couples in an October 2010 article. The blog Chronic Healing called it "Facebook Fertility Fallout". But what's the big problem, those who don't suffer from infertility might be wondering?

The problem is oversharing. We almost all do it from time to time on Facebook, excited to share the latest news with our friends and family members. But the constant reminders of our Facebook friends' fertility through endless baby pictures, pregnancy updates, and "memes" celebrating how wonderful it is to be a mother can send an infertile women running from the computer in tears - or snapping angrily at friends who don't understand why their postings are so upsetting.

It can be difficult because of course no one wants to tell fertiles they shouldn't be allowed to post baby pictures or happy news about their newborns. Clearly others celebrate the news based on the typical dozens of "likes" and comments such posts receive. And while we do certainly feel happy about our friends' good fortune, it can be difficult to focus only on the good news and not end up reflecting on our own disappointments, especially under a constant barrage of baby-baby-baby-baby news (sometimes I want to just call Facebook "Babybook" instead since that's what it can feel like!)

So I personally hope some of my pregnant or new-mother Facebook friends understand if I have to "hide" their status updates for a while, until/if they go back to more regularly posting about non-baby related matters. And I hope that they would understand that I'd prefer they not bring up their baby or pregnancy in every comment they post on my OWN status updates, or post photos on my Wall, or other such intrusive things which WILL lead me to eventually private message them about why this is being hurtful to me - or simply unfriend them if I don't want a confrontation.

National Infertility Awareness Week is an annual event held every April. In 2011, NIAW took place April 24 - 30. Sponsored by RESOLVE, the goal of National Infertility Awareness Week in 2011 was "busting myths and telling truths about the most popular public myths and misconceptions about the disease of infertility and the different ways people build their families."

There are many ways to take part in National Infertility Awareness Week in the future, from blogging about infertility, telling your personal story, taking part in the Walk of Hope, adding a Twibbon to your Facebook or Twitter picture to tell everyone you are part of the cause. Come up with your own ways to participate in and mark NIAW - as I did by creating this webpage here myself.

Of course, infertility awareness is a year-long campaign that should not be forgotten once NIAW has taken place. Raising awareness takes constant effort and many work diligently all through the year to keep attention focused on the cause.

Why is infertility awareness important? Here's a recent example that drove home the issue perfectly.

In March 2011, People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) launched a publicity campaign/contest where "in honor of" National Infertility Awareness Week, they would be giving away a free vasectomy to a man who neutered or spayed his pet. Word of the campaign outraged many who felt that it was making a joke of the pain and suffering of those fighting infertility, which has nothing to do with controlling the animal population.

After community outrage and protests, lead beautifully by the Hannah Wept, Sarah Laughed blog, PETA tried to fauxpologize and even pull the "why don't you just adopt?" card. Others joined the protest, signing a petition which closed after over 2,000 names voiced their dismay. When PETA only changed the wording of their campaign to say "during" instead of "in honor of," it still wasn't enough. A counter protest page even was created on Facebook: "In Honor of PETA, I'm Eating Meat for Infertility Awareness Week." (Of course, joining and promoting the page myself caused me to get into a Facebook kerfluffle with those who now said I was promoting "undo animal suffering" by eating more meat. Sometimes you just can't win...)

PETA finally backed down and removed all references to NIAW from their website and contest promotions. But it took the concerted efforts of many people to try to get them to acknowledge their insensitivity and how their campaign was only hurting their own cause, not helping it.

This week, a conversation with a friend solidified one concern and quibble I have with today's infertility support communities - and society in general.

The emphasis in many infertility support communities is still largely focused on having children and couples' struggles with doing so. How to afford IVF; side effects from fertility drugs; going through the adoption process; dealing with the emotional fallout of multiple miscarriages. These are all completely valid and important issues, no doubt. Yet, it often seems as though there is little room in infertility communities for those who have chosen not to pursue IF treatments, can't afford it even if they wanted to, or are more concerned with their own personal health issues which may be causing their infertility.

Our society today is so focused on children being a logical and almost "necessary" part of being an adult human being, of being part of a family, of being happy with ourselves. Those who cannot have children, who have given up on fertility treatments or never could afford them, those who had no success in adoption or know it is not for them - what support is there for them? Often they can feel alienated from the very community, the infertility support community, that is supposed to be there for them. Indeed, for a woman who is concerned more that she has early infertility that could be a warning sign of other health problems she should worry about - where can she go to talk about these matters? Does anyone really care, if she's not focused entirely on having a child, her own health and family stability being only secondary?

This is why I support Silent Sorority so much, as one of the few resources out there for infertiles who have either given up on fertility treatments or have other reasons to be focused on simply coming to terms with a childless future, instead of obsessing over getting pregnant. It's worth a serious look, if you've been feeling frustrated with other infertility communities.

Infertility is a personal journey, which no two people take the same path along. Every person must choose not only how they will deal with infertility but how they will deal with discussing the subject with others.

Infertility awareness isn't about forcing people to discuss their struggles with fertility if they choose not to. Indeed, awareness is about teaching others how difficult a subject infertility can be, and how pressing people about why they don't have children or why they have/haven't done certain things to treat it can be painful and rude. Infertility awareness is about telling people it's okay to talk about your infertility but only if you want to. It's about not being ashamed of infertility. It's about making the world aware of the struggle being faced by millions of women and men today.

I do not hide the fact, from my friends and family, that this is an issue I am struggling with myself. I do not necessarily discuss the details of why or what treatments I may or may not pursue with those whom I don't trust personally nor with those for whom, frankly, I consider it none of their business. But I do feel compelled to speak up when I see infertility being dismissed or assumptions being made about people who have children and those who don't. I speak out to open up conversations, to try to explain why things have made me upset and why I may find certain situations uncomfortable. This is what infertility awareness means to me.