The Adventures of Ramblin Rose: Dude Ranch Cooks

Over a span of 50 years, the Diamond J Dude Ranch has seen all types and kinds of cooks. Cooks who were incredible slobs. Cooks who really didn't know how to cook (that would be me my first summer as a cook). Cooks who lost band-aids in the fruit salad. Cooks who slept with the bread dough so it would raise and be ready for baking in the morning. Cooks who had love affairs with wranglers, suddenly eloping in the middle of preparing dinner, and leaving their false teeth in a glass of water. (Alright, I admit it. I'm lying on that last one...that was only ONE cook who did that.) And cooks who were cantankerous. Oh wait...that would be EVERY cook.

Maybe it's from standing on their feet all day. Or maybe it's because they know that no one else wants to do what they do...and they can throw politeness and any other time-wasting "nice" social quality out the window. Cooks just generally seem a cranky bunch.

In general, cooks could get away with murder...just so long as they didn't quit cooking.

Then there was the summer that my mother hired Ria...

One summer my mother hired a woman from Holland to be cook. Ria had been in the U.S. for a number of years, doing creative jobs such as nude modeling for art students. She was certainly not like any 30 year-old that I knew. I don't think Ria knew much about cooking, but she wanted to experience Cowboys and the real West...and pretty much in that order. The job position of cook happened to be the one job open so that's the job she presented for.

I was quite fascinated with Ria. To my rural (some might even say redneck) ways, she was like a creature from another planet.

First there was her exotic wardrobe, culled from the best second-hand stores from around the world. Her favorite coat was a mink coat that she had found in a New York City vintage store. Her cowboy boots were given to her out here, when someone's dad died and she consoled the grieving son. I still have a vivid image of her standing in her short bluejean mini skirt and her cowboy boots cooking at the stove. Suddenly she'd dropped to the floor in full-on splits. Did I mention, Ria had also been a gymnast?

Ria's favorite food was whipped cream and if she could work it into a recipe in some way she would. On the other hand, she was 30 years ahead of her time, and worried about how much garbage was thrown out every day. Recycling, reduce, and reuse were not practiced on ranches in Montana in the 70s. Well, at least not in a way that it's meant today. Recycling would have referred to having to bike up a hill again after gravity forced you to start over. Reduce would have been about standing in one of those belt machines that shake the flab off, and reuse was standard practice on ranches from fencing wires to glass jars under plumbing drips. None of those words were related to garbage, however.

Ria wanted to educate the ranch on other uses for coffee grounds and egg shells, but we were all too busy to change our ways and become composters. Ever hopeful, Ria began storing garbage in the walk-in refrigerators, waiting for the day she could inform and enlighten us in our wasteful ways. She would use cantaloupe rinds for a quick rub-in suntan lotion, banana peels to shine her cowboy boots, and watermelon rinds for a skin enhancer while soaking in a claw foot tub.

With the garbage piling up in the walk-in refrigerators, Ria was ready to take on dude ranch therapy. One day she shocked the wranglers into a 3-day silence, when she asked them to write, not only their breakfast orders on the order pad, but also their dreams from the night before. No one was quite sure what she was going to do if someone had actually ventured into that arena with her. They were too petrified to find out.

When I look back, it's amazing to realize that all our Ria stories happened in only four, short weeks...

Perhaps the most "shocking" thing about Ria, though, was her attitude toward nudity. She was European after all. Her casualness came culturally. To Ria, having clothes on or having clothes off, was about the same, except the latter was more preferable.

Now shocking to men is not the same as shocking to women. The wranglers almost piled up on their horses one day as they rode back in from a trail ride. Ria was sunbathing on the front lawn. In a time long before thong underwear was invented, her swimsuit was like none that they had ever seen before. It would have easily fit in a sandwich bag, with room left over for a sandwich.

Several days later, we couldn't figure out what had happened to the lawn in one spot. It turned out my younger brother had been mowing the lawn the day Ria had decided to sunbathe topless, while lying face down. He kept mowing the same spot as he waited for her to turn over.

Now most employees pulling off just a few of Ria's eccentricities would have been gone by then. But being cook is a pretty good insurance policy to being fired. Then Ria made the mistake of asking my father at the dining table where the best place in the creek was for skinny dipping. My mother watched as my father's eyes lit up and he described a spot in the creek nearby where he was fencing.

I think that was when she decided that Ria was going to have to go sooner than later...

My mother waited impatiently for Ria to "do" something so she could fire her (the season was only about 3 weeks old). It didn't take too long. The 4th of July weekend in Ennis, Montana is always a wild, riotous Western party. Ria had a fabulous time partying with the cowboys every night. When you're the breakfast cook, one of the cardinal sins is oversleeping. Ria overslept breakfast 3 times.

That's when my mother marched into Ria's cabin and announced that she was officially fired and that I would be driving her immediately to Bozeman, the nearest city for buses and airplanes.

Ria was very upset and I didn't really enjoy being the one to console her as I drove her to Bozeman.

"I just don't have any money," she said over and over. I explained to her that it wouldn't be too hard to get a job in Bozeman but she decided to go back East and return to nude modeling.

My last image of Ria was of her standing a little forlornly in the bus terminal wearing a tanktop, an ultra mini, miniskirt, cowboy boots with banana shine and her vintage mink coat slung over her shoulder.

As I watched 4 cowboys converge on her, I knew somehow she'd be all right.

Until our next adventure,
Ramblin' Rose

Homemade Buttermilk Pancakes

2 C. flour
1/2 tsp. sea salt
1 tsp. baking powder
1 tsp. baking soda

2 C. buttermilk
2 eggs
1/4 C. safflower oil

Stir dry ingredients together in one bowl. Mix buttermilk, eggs, and oil together in separate bowl. Add to dry ingredients just before cooking. Stir together lightly with a fork. Do not over mix or beat. Mixture will be slightly lumpy and thick. Drop by spoonfuls onto lightly greased griddle. Turn pancakes when bubbles have formed on the top and brown underneath. Serves 5-6.

Best served with butter, real maple,huckleberry or chokecherry syrup. Even better when served on a breakfast ride.

This recipe is one of many delicious recipes from the Diamond J Cookbook. To order call 406-682-7404. Cookbooks are $15 plus S&H.

Chocolate Chip Toffee Bars

1 C. butter
1 C. brown sugar
1 C. chocolate chips
1 t. real vanilla OR 1 t. Kahlua
2 C. flour
pecans (optional)

Cream together butter, sugar and vanilla. Add flour and mix well. Hand stir in chocolate chips and optional pecans. Press in ungreased 9" x 13" baking pan. Bake at 350 degrees for 20 minutes or until browned. Cut into bars while still warm.

This recipe is one of many delicious recipes from the Diamond J Cookbook. To order call 406-682-7404. Cookbooks are $15 plus S&H.