A rape comes back to haunt me.
In December 1980, as a 16-year-old girl, I was raped. I never faced my rapist in court, and he was given 5 years probation. He was allowed to transfer his probation to Missouri. He absconded from probation in 1985 and Florida issued a warrant for his arrest. In September of 2008, I received a subpeona to appear in court for an evidentiary hearing for the 1985 violation of probation. This is the story of what I did.
What I did
- I cried.
- I sought the comfort of my husband.
- I got mad.
- I called a friend.
- I prayed.
- I called my mother.
- I contacted victims' advocates that work with the court system.
- I called the D.A. to get the details.
- I went for a counseling appointment at a sexual assault center.
- I researched how to write a victim's impact statement.
- A treasured friend typed my mixed up thoughts as I said them, then helped me organize them into an understandable form. This took hours.
- My friend and I went to court.
- I cried when I saw the rapist. I could not look at his face. I felt like I was 16 again.
- I stood up in court with my friend at my side, blocking my view of the rapist, and read the following impact statement.
My Victim Impact Statement 28 Years Later
I would like to thank the court for the opportunity to address it concerning how this offense affects me. I was provided an outline of questions to assist me in my preparation for this moment.
The very first question posed is this:
"Please describe how this offense has impacted you and your family."
There are additional questions asking me to describe the emotional, physical and financial impact this offense has had on my family and me.
I am at an utter loss as to how I might adequately relay to you the immensity and profound repercussions that this crime has had on my family and me.
Twenty-eight years ago as a 16-year-old child, I could not stand up in a court of law and confront my rapist. Today, as a 44-year-old woman with a family, including my own 15-year-old daughter, I do stand in court pleading that the court holds the defendant accountable to the terms of his plea bargain agreement. The offense committed against me permanently and forever changed my course in life. I am both a victim and survivor of rape.
I was a confident, trusting young lady who had a clear plan and expectations for my future. I was going to go to college after high school and the world was before me. I was a 16-year-old girl with high hopes and dreams.
Over the course of a few hours one night, the world changed from a safe place full of possibilities to a dangerous place to survive in. I felt like the rabbit living amongst wolves.
I remember, shortly after moving to Florida to live with my father, I met a new type of friend - one a bit more worldly and experienced than I. We went out one evening and a man at a convenience store said he would buy us beer if we would go to a party at his apartment. We agreed and he drove us to his apartment.
At that age in life I had no idea that this one lapse in judgment would change and shape the course of my life forever.
At the house there were people and I was given beer. I must have fallen asleep although have no memory of doing so or even of the party itself.
I still have flashbacks today. They can be triggered by a something someone says or catching a glimpse of a Thunderbird car or during a gynecological exam or while intimate with my husband.
The very first question posed is this:
"Please describe how this offense has impacted you and your family."
There are additional questions asking me to describe the emotional, physical and financial impact this offense has had on my family and me.
I am at an utter loss as to how I might adequately relay to you the immensity and profound repercussions that this crime has had on my family and me.
Twenty-eight years ago as a 16-year-old child, I could not stand up in a court of law and confront my rapist. Today, as a 44-year-old woman with a family, including my own 15-year-old daughter, I do stand in court pleading that the court holds the defendant accountable to the terms of his plea bargain agreement. The offense committed against me permanently and forever changed my course in life. I am both a victim and survivor of rape.
I was a confident, trusting young lady who had a clear plan and expectations for my future. I was going to go to college after high school and the world was before me. I was a 16-year-old girl with high hopes and dreams.
Over the course of a few hours one night, the world changed from a safe place full of possibilities to a dangerous place to survive in. I felt like the rabbit living amongst wolves.
I remember, shortly after moving to Florida to live with my father, I met a new type of friend - one a bit more worldly and experienced than I. We went out one evening and a man at a convenience store said he would buy us beer if we would go to a party at his apartment. We agreed and he drove us to his apartment.
At that age in life I had no idea that this one lapse in judgment would change and shape the course of my life forever.
At the house there were people and I was given beer. I must have fallen asleep although have no memory of doing so or even of the party itself.
I still have flashbacks today. They can be triggered by a something someone says or catching a glimpse of a Thunderbird car or during a gynecological exam or while intimate with my husband.
I awake. The house is quiet and empty. There is a man in a room with me. I am shocked and feel panic. He tells me, "You're my payment for the beer."
The flashbacks come unpredictably.
This movie still plays in my mind involuntarily. I am being raped
A large man is on top of me. He is assaulting me.
I stare at the glowing clock. I don't know how long this is going to last. Am I going to survive this. I am afraid. He is finished. I am afraid to move. I stay frozen until he leaves the room. I pick up the phone and call home. Someone answers the phone. He walks in. I hang up quickly and again I freeze. He gets into the bed and falls asleep. I lay there afraid to breathe. He might wake up if I move. If he wakes up he might need to do this to me again. I freeze petrified by fear.
The images just pop in my head when I'm awake.
Suddenly, It's morning.He hands me my clothes. He brings me to his car - a Thunderbird. What is he going to do to me? Where is he taking me?
He drives me home.
I am numb. I am in shock. He tells me not to say anything. He tells me no one will believe me.
This is what I live with -- still, 28 years later.
I never know when I will relive one of these scenes. How do I explain to my children why I sometimes just burst out crying, in tears? How do I explain to my children why I call out my husband's name even though he is not home because I am seeking security? My children laugh at me. They are embarrassed by me. They are confused and scared.
"But I did tell. I called my mother in New York. She knew right away something was wrong!"
She told my father, who called the police.
I was taken to the hospital and I was subjected to my first gynecological exam. Once I told, there was a long line of people to whom I had to keep repeating what happened, reliving it each and every time, including today in court.
The consequences of my telling were mixed.
The consequences of my telling were mixed.
I was believed. I was accused. I was bullied. I was blamed. I was sixteen years old, raped, traumatized, scared.
Not only had an adult done this to me, but the justice system also failed to support me as a victim and instead made me feel like this was all my fault, that I had caused this to happen. I was told I would be arrested if I failed to come to court and confront my rapist. I believed them. I also knew I couldn't survive seeing him. I didn't trust anyone anymore. I felt betrayed by everyone. My rapist was right. I felt no one really did believe me. I was terrified that I might be the one in jail, not him.
I fled to my mother's home in New York to escape the nightmare. I didn't.
A friend of my mother's - a man - helped my mother out around the house. He did some of the laundry. When I realized that a man might have touched my underwear, I felt like I couldn't live anymore - another minute. I swallowed a whole bottle of my prescribed allergy medicine in an attempt to commit suicide. This wasn't the last time I tried.
I would wake up for school in the morning, frozen, afraid to move or breathe. I was afraid someone would hear me breathe. I would not go to school that day. I stayed in bed unable to move in an empty house. I missed 40 days that first semester. I stayed hidden in my bed.
I didn't have the courage to go to college - which felt too risky. To escape my fear, I married early at the age of 18. I was looking for a protector - someone who could keep me safe.
.
So, you ask me how has my life and my family has been impacted by this crime. You ask me what the emotional, physical and the financial impacts of this crime are on me and my family. There are immeasurable costs for this crime.
I fled to my mother's home in New York to escape the nightmare. I didn't.
A friend of my mother's - a man - helped my mother out around the house. He did some of the laundry. When I realized that a man might have touched my underwear, I felt like I couldn't live anymore - another minute. I swallowed a whole bottle of my prescribed allergy medicine in an attempt to commit suicide. This wasn't the last time I tried.
I would wake up for school in the morning, frozen, afraid to move or breathe. I was afraid someone would hear me breathe. I would not go to school that day. I stayed in bed unable to move in an empty house. I missed 40 days that first semester. I stayed hidden in my bed.
I didn't have the courage to go to college - which felt too risky. To escape my fear, I married early at the age of 18. I was looking for a protector - someone who could keep me safe.
.
So, you ask me how has my life and my family has been impacted by this crime. You ask me what the emotional, physical and the financial impacts of this crime are on me and my family. There are immeasurable costs for this crime.
I'm still not safe.
I can't believe 28 years later-out of the blue-I receive a subpoena because he wants to have his outstanding arrest warrant dismissed.
He's still in control of my life and my actions.
Why does he wait until I have a beautiful, innocent 15-year-old daughter? Has he been tracking me?
I know this is paranoid but I still wonder.
I don't know who I would have been or how my life might have been different if I had never been raped. This crime changed the person I became and am. It had incalculable trauma.
It took 23 years for me to even reach the point of inquiring as to how the original case was resolved. It was only five years ago that I asked my mother what had ever happened. I didn't even know his name.
My father and step-mother were able to research and find out the disposition of the case. I learned that he had received five years probation in a plea bargain arrangement, I was shocked. Learning that he absconded from probation felt like a slap in my face
I know this is paranoid but I still wonder.
I don't know who I would have been or how my life might have been different if I had never been raped. This crime changed the person I became and am. It had incalculable trauma.
It took 23 years for me to even reach the point of inquiring as to how the original case was resolved. It was only five years ago that I asked my mother what had ever happened. I didn't even know his name.
My father and step-mother were able to research and find out the disposition of the case. I learned that he had received five years probation in a plea bargain arrangement, I was shocked. Learning that he absconded from probation felt like a slap in my face
I was worth nothing and he was right.
As an adult now, I look at the circumstances and the situation and cannot fathom how a man in his 30's could so brazenly rape a 16-year-old child and tell her no one will believe her and drive her home. What kind of man does this? The only justice I have left is to ask this court to see to it that he complete his remaining 1 year and 8 months of probation as he agreed to in his plea bargain. For twenty-eight years I don't think this changed the person he was then or has become.
I request the court ensure that this individual never have access to my married name, address or other identifying information. I am afraid of him and afraid of what he might want to do to either my daughters or myself.
I request the court ensure that this individual never have access to my married name, address or other identifying information. I am afraid of him and afraid of what he might want to do to either my daughters or myself.
The Outcome
I was able to stand in court and read this entire statement aloud in the presence of my rapist.
The court was not able to reqire him to complete the probation because the State of Florida did not extradite him in 1985.
I am at peace with the decision.
The court was not able to reqire him to complete the probation because the State of Florida did not extradite him in 1985.
I am at peace with the decision.
"I am no longer a victim. He no longer has power or control over me."
I am a Survivor and an Overcomer. I am STRONG!
The New Me!
by VictimNoMore
I am a rape survivor! My only lens is my victim impact statement that I read in court Oct 2008 about a rape from 1980. It is graphic and disturbing an... (more)
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