Real Life Housewife

I was sooo excited to see today that the Uist Lady website is up and running... Friends, Uist Lady is most definitely one of us - just see her current blog post on hot water bottles and you will know what I am talking about!
I expect many of us have dreamed of retreating to a remote island at one point or another, but this lady, well she's actually gone and done it, and she wil be sharing the highs and lows or her island life through www.uistlady.com
But, if you can't wait to hear more from her, fret not, because her previous pennings are compiled in a splendid ebook entitled "I Heard a Heron Bark".. The compilation is a must-read for any RLHs out there who fancy a bit of vicarious island life seen through the eyes of a like-minded soul and is available from the Uist Lady site for just £3.99.

The title say it all really ladies... here is my cyber confession of Real Life Housewife transgressions!

1: Put away a plate out of the dishwasher that had something suspect crusted on the edge - I figure I'll make sure I get that plate at dinnertime - I'm sure it won't kill me.
2: Did not replace the toilet paper in the downstairs bathroom in an act of retaliation against whoever keeps eating all the biccies out of the tin and "forgetting" to refill it.
3: Shouted loudly at the dog to "get out of my way" when Nan was standing in front of me - causing nan to jump out of her skin thinking the instruction had been aimed at her. Oops.

Well after my summer hiatus I visited the RLH email account to see if you lot had provided me with any fodder to get the page a-buzzin' and was very excited to see a large number of unread emails waiting for me.... however, unless I really am the luckiest in the WHOLE WORLD, then I don't really believe that I have won 743 competitions each with a three or four figure cash prize, which I will receive just as soon as I provide my ID, bank details, shoe size, etc! Oh well, was nice to feel wanted for a minute....

So folks, this RLH has been off on an unofficial summer holiday - not that I went anywhere, just took a little break from here as life was totally hectic! You will be relieved to hear that my eyebrows have been brought into check since we last spoke, although we now have an issue with my hair! I want to cut it short and sassy, but sadly the wee man uses it as a comfort blanket and always falls asleep holidng a handful so I can't do it and am stuck looking like a hippy throwback for the time being...
Wee man is a bit less wee than when I last wrote, in fact he started to walk over the summer, Mr Me is fine and still obsessed with fish. Mad dogs are all still mad. So really it's situation normal here. What have you all been up to? Any great summer stories to tell? Let me know, contact details at the top of the page, in the meantime I better go and find some interesting content to liven up this space - back soon!

JenniFleur x

My husband thinks I've tidied -
But he doesn't realise
That the mess has just been hidden, away from prying eyes.

It's stuffed into the wardrobe,
Shoved underneath the stairs,
I've even pushed some bits of crap down the backs of the living room chairs.

I've brushed the dust beneath the rug
And wiped the counter top,
But look closely at the kitchen floor, you'll see there's been no mop.

It isn't that I'm lazy,
But I lead a busy life,
And if he'd wanted a cleaner then he shouldn't have got a wife.

Mr Me loves to fish, which is nice because sometimes he can catch us dinner... but the side effect of this pastime is that he also has a condition that I like to describe as "Fish Tourettes".
You see, if we are watching the telly and someone is fiishing he starts shouting random things in a slightly obssessive manner.
As soon as an on-screen angler gets a bite Mr Me is on his feet shouting "WRASSE! BASS! FLOUNDER!" or some such nonsense, immediately followed by a jumble of numbers "15, 18 20LBS?" I laugh but invairaly he gets both the type and the weight correct - often before the scaly swimmer has even broken the surface of the water.
Because when men have a hobby, it's like an obsession right? I mean, I enjoy baking but you'll never catch me heckling James Martin from the comfort of my sofa "VANILLA ESSENCE - A TEASPOON YOU IDIOT!" No don't think so!
I do wonder what Mr Me's fish watching would look like to someone peering in our front window and not able to see the screen - a fully grown man getting all agitated and shouting random fish facts at the top of his voice. See - Fish Tourettes.

It's awfully hot to wear a brassiere,
When the bright sun is shining at this time of year.

My boobies might move like voluptuous jelly,
But why've they not the right to hang free - like my belly?

I think it's the nipple that gets hackles up,
But does this mean my jug should be kept in a cup?

So let me be free of this painful restriction,
At least 'til I've problems with soreness from friction.

Welcome! Investigating Twitter it is impossible not to notice the number of RLHs who use social networking like this to keep in touch with the adult world.
A lot of folk will have received invites to come and check us out today - if that was you, WELCOME! Real Life Housewife is here for you.
It's obvious from your tweets that you are all clever gals with special talents so if any of you feel like sharing on here - then just get in touch by the email at the top of the page!
Whatever you want to share - a book review, poem, or just your thoughts, Real Life Housewife is the place to do it!

[Picture Credit: Twitter]

Today I discovered Project Stay at Home Mom through the magic of Twitter. Project SAHM is the brainchild of one RLH, called Melissa, who believes that what we do deserves a bit of recognition.
So Melissa started Project SAHM. Melissa collects donations and when she reaches $150 she surprises a stay at home mom in her local shopping mall, giving her the money to spend on a new outfit or treats like a new bag or shoes.
The lucky housewife has one hour to go off and spend her surprise money and Melissa logs the results through photos on her website.

Melissa explained: "It had been a particularly hard month for me. It was cold out and we were "trapped" inside.
"I sat in my husbands black XXL pajama pants and his XL gray sweater, and I started a blog called "Frumpy Mom Wants a New Outfit".
"I had taken a picture of myself looking just blah and frumpy and used it as my blog header. I wasn't going to show anyone, or tell anyone about it. I just needed a place to vent about the frustrations of being a mom and feeling like I was losing myself.
"As I typed, Oprah played in the back ground. It was her Pay It Forward show. I stopped to watch (in tears) and as Oprah would say I had an "Ah ha!" moment.
"I wanted to somehow surprise stay at home moms with a new outfit.I wasn't sure how, but I wanted to do it. I thought about it and my blog quickly changed from "Frumpy Mom Wants a New Outfit" to "Project SAHM" and that's how it all started, I wanted stay at home moms to know they are apprecated."

Sounds like a lovely idea - all we need now is global syndication and you never know, it could be coming to a mall near you!!

Ladies, I KNOW you like a cocktail! But when do we find time to mix one for ourselves? Not often, eh my dears? And if I asked Mr Me to bring me a drink I'd be lucky to get a can of Tennants, off which he has lovingly slurped the first bubblings of foam, sigh.
So, I was pleased to find out that Funkin have come up with these delightful cocktail mix sachets promising "the ultimate 10 second, fuss free cocktail" Woo hoo.. let's do a quick Mexican wave in celebration, ready..."Woo" (Oops, shouldn't try it if you're on a laptop! Have you been at the cocktails already?)
Anyway, back to the point. The Funkin sachets come in a range of flavours from appletini to white peach bellini and mojito to margarita. They are made with 100% fresh fruit and contain no additives, preservatives, colourings or flavourings. And all you need to do is add the booze - simples!
These little beauties are a great way to treat yourself, and with prices starting at just 80p from outlets includiung Sainbury's, Asda and Majestic wine, they won't break the bank either!

Hic!

Last night I was tucked up cosy in bed with my wee man (we are happy co-sleepers) when Mr Me came in from fishing and called up the stairs: "Where's the remote control?".
Now, I find a remote control as useful as the next person, but only when actually in the room with the gadget it controls. I am, therefore, unlikely to spirit it away to bed with me just for fun.
So I come to the top of the stairs and reply: "Dunno, down there somewhere" muttering "obviously" under my breath before returning to bed.
After listening to Mr Me wandering aimlessly round the living room saying "Can't find it..." for five minutes, I jump up, come down, and locate the blooming thing under the couch where the wee man has stashed it.
Now, I'm no detective, but it was a pretty obvious guess, which begs the question, why did it take me getting out of bed to find it?
Because other halves have a patholgical fear of actually "looking" for something. That's why.
As a child, the night before we went on holiday, I would lie in bed and hear my dad calling to my mum: "Where's my passport?", "Where's my green bag?", "Do you know where my guidebook went?" inevitably these items would be where he left them but it still took mum to dig them out... why why why?!
Reminds me of the Andy Capp cartoon in which he asks his wife if she has seen his pencil. When she replies: "Behind your ear," he snaps: "Don't mess about woman, which ear?" Love it.

I logged on here today to try and update the site only to find the adverts sent by the clever robots at Google who place ads on this page have changed. The two I can see today are for Nair Hair Removal Cream (never should have told the eyebrow story) and a cosmetic surgery provider (did one of those robots log on and look at my 5am picture?!) Am trying not to be offended but, seriously adbots, have a heart!

Fellow RLHs, you know the way it is - eyebrows have a mind of their own. Have you noticed how, after you have them waxed, they seem to go along fine for ages and then you wake up one morning with the brow of a Gallagher brother or yeti-esse? For me, this happened about two weeks ago, but, seeing as I had a hair appointment booked a few days later, I thought "no point in making a special trip" and decided just to get the little blighters ripped off while I was there.
Enter fate (well the kind of fate that affects mummies) my wee man was struck with a bug and my other half suddenly had loads of places he needed to be. Hair appointment cancelled.
Have I gotten round to making a new one? Nope. Have I dealt with the caterpillars creeping slowly towards each other just above my nose.? Nope.
I know, I could pluck them, but every time I try doing this, wee man suddenly demands my attention, then dinner needs done, then one of the dogs throws up on the rug and I end up walking around with uneven eyebrows for a week.
Not worth it.
I have to admit that this morning, as I brushed my teeth, I was tempted to go at the bushy bits in the middle with a Bic, but then, when I did go to the salon, my waxing woman would see what I had done, which would be tres embarrassing.
So, I have spent the last week wearing oversized sunglasses, both indoors and out, in an attempt at hiding my shame.

Remind me to book that appointment tomorrow.

Ladies - we deserve a treat, right? Of course we do! So what'll it be? Chocolate or a cocktail? What do you mean both? Oh, alright!
You see, my favourite choccy people at Hotel Chocolat have come up with a fantastic idea this summer. A box of cocktail inspired chocolates designed to be served (who am I kidding with served - like we're actually going to share them) chilled and bursting with the flavours of summer.
Imagine a chocolate coated mojito, margarita or martini and you've got the idea. Heaven! Each chocolate is crafted with a kick of premium spirit and coated with the tastiest of choc, which is flavoured with cocoa grown on Hotel Chocolat's own Rabot Estate in sunny St Lucia.
The Cocktail Serve Chilled Collection costs from £6 and is available to buy online via the link below...

As soon as the sun comes out I think "good day for a wash" (it used to be - "great day for an all day session in the beer garden!" or "great day for topping up my tan in a string bikini!" Ah, if only I'd known!) and rush around gathering laundry (let's face it, the likelihood of it all being neatly stashed away in the laundry basket is pretty slim) and shoving it in the machine.
Then I listen for the beep, aybe give it an extra spin for good measure and peg the whole lot out. And then... well then I totally forget about it. Every single time.
I've lost count of the number of occasions on which I've looked out the bedroom window as I am disrobing (fret ye not Real Life Housewives, I live in the middle of nowhere, so I'm not flashing my neighbours) only to spot my poor clothes dangling like little lost souls in the evening dew - and by this time it is always slightly damp again and ends up having a whirl in the dryer anyway. What, I ask myself constantly, is the point?

Ahem, forget your Eva Longorias and Terri Hatchers... this is the true face of post-millennial housewifery! My wee man has been waking at 5am this week, and therefore so have I. Now, just point me in the direction of caffeine and I may be able to sort myself out in tme to find some interesting content for you to enjoy...

JenniFleur x

So, on theme of domestic inadequacy, I have just read The Bad Mother's Handbook by Kate Long... This is a fictional look at the lives of three generations of women from one family. The book deals with a lot of modern day family issues, from amicable divorces to teenage pregnancy. I particularly enjoyed the way the book portrayed multigenerational co-habiting and recognised the issues faced by those of us in the "sandwich" generation - caring for children and elderly relatives at the same time. The antics of the nan character had me laughing out loud, at one point (which I won't share here because I don't want to spoil it for you) I snorted so loudly into my cup of tea that Mr Me actually looked up from the repeat of Top Gear he was watching on Dave to ask what was so funny. This is a bit chick-lit, but it is relatable, which makes it a good read in my book.

We have four dogs and they are all great with the wee man, but Poppy (pictured) just won't leave his stuff alone. If we leave a toy on the floor she takes it and chews it up, shes a sucker (groan) for his dummies - those things aren't cheap - and it turns out baby socks are a great size for a springer spaniel to conceal in her closed jaws for hours "What me? There's nothing in my mouth - look jaws closed.." Hmmm. Need a visit from The Dog Whisperer or that woman in the black boots off It's Me or the Dog. If I find any solutions I will share them - but any suggestions to prevent this would be great... *

*But don't say I should try picking stuff up off the floor so she can't get at it, because my other half has already suggested that and it didn't go down too well ;-)

One day you get up in the morning,
And notice just how old you've got,
Like when all of your friends say "Let's go to a club!" and you realise you'd much rather not!

You see your mum's face in the the mirror,
But you like it much better on her,
So you pull at the skin to get rid of the lines, where the edges have started to blur.

Then when hair sprouts you don't try and tame it,
'Til it's sticking right out through your tights,
You just wear great big pants and you don't go to bed 'til you're sure he's turned out all the lights.

You glare at young girls in the street,
Who once would have made you uneasy,
And become a cheap date since one Sex on the Beach, now leaves you decidedly queasy.

But you know that you don't want to change it,
And this is just how it should be.
There's nothing as nice as being curled up as home with a book and a nice cup of tea!