Tribute to "The Real World's" Joey Kovar - The Most Intense Man Alive

Ranked #21,606 in Entertainment, #263,508 overall

I'm Joey. Ohhh yea, brother!

Welcome to my world, wuss. You're pathetic. Why would you spend time pecking away on your little keyboard when you could be lifting weights? For every word you read on this page, I can bench that many pounds. Go ahead, count all the words. It's a lot, isn't it? Over 80, I'm willing to bet. You want to take that bet? I'll bet there's over 80 words on this page. If I win, you get to buy me a bottle of alcohol. But I'll be nice: you can pick the alcohol. Just make sure the bottle's heavy - I like to do curls before I drink.

Alright, enough of this pansy shit. Let's get to the real reason you're here: to validate your belief that I'm the most intense man you'll never meet. Need proof? Read on, but take some supplements while you're at it, bro.
Important!

Keep in mind...

This lens is a joke. I made it because I think Joey is hilar... (choke, death)

This is Joey writing, brother! You better believe it. I strangled that clown and now it's just you and me. OHH YEA!

Need proof that I'm strong? Oh, here you go. 

Me arm-wrestling some loser...

I would have beat him but I'd just done over 200 curls with both arms. And I was trying to help him look good because sometimes I like to help the little people. But that clown was a joke and a half. If we'd been doing chest bumps, he wouldn't even be alive.
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Arm-wrestling = Cool. Joey arm-wrestling = AWESOME!

I can't help but smile and take supplements every time I watch that video. Look at my neck veins, bro! Have you ever seen anything more manly? If you answered "no," I appreciate your honesty. Seriously, if you're a girl and you watch that video for more than 10 seconds, I wouldn't be surprised if you never menstruated again.

I'm pretending the bag is your face! 

Be afraid!

If that bag could talk... it wouldn't! Know why? Because I just knocked out its teeth! Seriously though, I really need to apologize about this. I'm sure I scared the hell out of some little kids who might have accidentally caught this segment on the show. But hey kids, you have to realize that this kind of raw power does exist. If you ever see me in the street, just run the other way. It's better to be safe than play with fire.

I heard the energy I generated by punching this bag started an earthquake somewhere. That's just what I heard, though. It's not a fact, but it's definitely true.

Take out your anger like Joey!

Need to let out some aggression? Hit a punching bag for awhile. Joey would. Nothing feels better than hitting that bag. What, are you bleeding now? You don't need band-aids! Get that skin as tough as you can! What for? So you can hit the bag even more!
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Me about to kill my roommate 

Wearing my t-shirt in the hot tub

That's my roommate making fun of me for wearing a t-shirt in the hot tub. Know what happens to people who make fun of me? They don't live to talk about it. Let's just say I let this guy off easy by not castrating him right there on the spot. I took some steroids and calmed down. Next time he busts on me, I'll bust on him... WITH MY FISTS OF FURY!

The ladies love me 

Do you blame them?

Did you even notice the girl on the right side of that picture? Probably not, and that's understandable - I look incredible. Even though that girl has decent breasts, they don't hold a candle to my pecs that I've chiseled away at. See them? They're practically busting out of my shirt!

Everyone is attracted to me, and I don't blame them! Look, fellas - if you're attracted to me, it doesn't mean you're gay. If you want to make sweet love to me, it doesn't mean you're gay. If you want to move to Canada and marry me legally, it doesn't mean you're gay. It means you're human.

Alcohol fears me! 

Mmm, steroid cocktail...

When I drink alcohol, I can't help but think, "How lucky is this drink for having the honor of traveling through my perfect body?" Seriously, the next best thing to being me is becoming a temporary part of me!

I often wonder what the alcohol thinks when it's swimming inside my body. Is my liver making it stronger? Are the whiskey shots high-fiving the jager shots and then spotting each other on the bench press? Are the Heinekens trying to hook up with the Smirnoff Ices? It's impossible to tell what's going on inside there, but one thing's for sure: it's a party, bro.

My greatest quotes...

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"You know what? I'll put it away. I will. I'll put it away."

My roommate told me to put away the wine, and then more...0 points

"Oh oops, oops, OOPS! I'm out of here, right? Come on, punch me!"

This is what I said to my roommate after going aro more...0 points

"Oh did they say something? I didn't think so."

I thought I heard my roommates talking sh*t about more...0 points

"They're f*cking scared cuz I'll knock 'em the f*ck out in one f*cking punch!"

I meant it when I said it! I totally could knock o more...0 points

"You know, I do my hair and work out all the time. I keep myself up to look good."

This is what I told one of my girl roommates. I wa more...0 points

"Nobody believes me, but one day everyone's going to wake up and say 'Where's Joey?' And Joey's gonna be gone, man."

Sometimes men cry. When Joey cries, you pay attent more...0 points

"This hurts to admit, but I'm a f*cking loser."

I was joking when I said this. I swear.0 points

"I just hate being babysat like a baby."

Come up with a more effective simile than that, to more...0 points

"What f*cking man that's 24 years old that just so he could look good and become something won't have a beer for the dedication to look like this? THAT'S a man. THAT'S dedication."

I had to tell my roommate off. Some people just do more...0 points

"They all think they got the power, but when I send my family over here... (maniacal laugh)"

There's nothing more manly than making vague threa more...0 points

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Glimpse greatness! YEA BROTHER! 

I broke my shirt... OOPS!

It might look like I'm ripping off my shirt, but the truth is that I flexed my pecs at the same time and it busted open! I've never come across a shirt that can handle both of my flexed pecs. It's so frustrating! I had a tarp over my body once while I flexed all my muscles at the same time. Know what happened? The tarp burst into flame.

My body's a modern miracle! I'm like a real live Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Wear Joey's clothes!

Then rip them off! Ohhh yea!
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You can't stop a REAL MAN! 

How dare you!

There's my roommate trying to control me. Here's what I have to stay about that: Step off the track when the Joey train is coming through, bro!

Sure, I might have told him I had a drinking problem in the past, and I might have told him I didn't want to drink anymore, but SO WHAT?! I'm Joey, brother. Next time you try to tell me what I can't drink, I'll ask how much you weigh, then double that amount, then I'll squat that many pounds. That'll make you think twice. Boo ya!

Wine is strong, but not as strong as my calves! 

Keeping it classy

I've recently toyed with the idea of becoming a life coach. Why? Because if life was a weight, I'd add more weight to it. Life is just that easy for me!

Anyways, a lot of guys have asked me, "Joe, how can I act like a man but still be a class act?" You see the picture above? There's your answer. The girl that was watching me drink that bottle fell in love with me on the spot. Why? I was a class act for drinking wine! And she couldn't believe how manly I was for drinking straight from the bottle! Cups are for losers and yoga instructors. What MTV doesn't show you is me smashing the top of the wine bottle off by breaking it over the girl's face. I keep it manly, and the ladies flock to me!

Oh snap! 

Stolen goods

You think Joey drinks his own alcohol? Do you not know anything about how I work, brother? This is what I do. If Dave had come up to me and politely asked for his wine back, I would have made him my own personal finger puppet! But he didn't, so free bottle of wine for the J-Man!

Best case scenario = I get to fight my roommate.
Worst case scenario = I get to kill a few brain cells on someone else's dime.

It's a win-win for me!

And the sun isn't even out! OOPS! 

I didn't know Hercules was real

In case you haven't been following along, here's a news flash: I'm a rule-breaker. "When the sun's out, the guns come out" doesn't apply to Joey! My guns are out morning, noon, and night. And sometimes I pull the trigger and flex. What's the point of owning guns if you don't fire them at people on an hourly basis?

Girls lay in my bed a lot. If they're still alive after a few hours with me, I give them a ticket to the gun show, brother. By the way, Tuesday is ladies' night: Look at my arms between 9-11pm and I'll take supplements while holding you in a headlock!

I'll crush your bicep with my bare hand! 

They all think they got the power!

Did you just look at me funny, bro? Big mistake! Let me see that bicep of yours... Just as I thought: pathetically small. Judging by your muscles alone, I could beat you up more than you could beat me up. Know what that means? I would win in a fight against you!

When you look at me, you don't do it in a funny fashion. I shouldn't have to explain myself. You only look me in the eyes if you want to arm-wrestle. No exceptions. That goes for you, too, ladies. You keep your eyes on the prize, aka my body, at all times. I'm a piece of meat for you to ogle at. OHHH YEA, BROTHER!

I see you! 

Zzzzzzz Bro!

Just when you were thinking, "Joey couldn't possibly be any more awesome. He's 100% man, baby!" Well, I appreciate your thoughts, but you're forgetting one thing: I SLEEP WITH MY F***ING EYES OPEN!

What, did you think that parts of my body were weak? You didn't think it was possible to do eyelid curls? I'm going to make a believer out of you, brother! I push every single part of my body to its limits! I use a staple gun on my eyes to toughen them up. Sometimes I'll ask a friend to go to town on my stomach with an ax. Sure I bleed a little, but I keep telling myself: that what doesn't kill you (but still brings you pretty close to death) will only make you stronger. Whoo!

How dare you argue with me! 

Verbal smackdowns aren't as fun as arm-wrestling

See that blond chick? Well, she just told me that my muscles have reached their maximum capacity... Oh, you did NOT just say that! Looks like I'm going to have to show her the meaning of pain. Not pictured: me ripping her legs out of her hip sockets! Know why it's not pictured? Because I smashed that camera over my head for fun afterwards!

Some people have this limiting belief that the human body can only take so many supplements, curls, steroids, etc. before it collapses on itself. Well, those people have never met Joey, brother. Here's a true story - I was bench pressing a thousand pounds this one time, and it was easy for me. OHH YEA!

... 

Um... well.

That might look like a tear rolling down my cheek, but it's actually supplement juice! I have protein seeping out of every hole in my body. Usually, I cover myself with saran wrap then drink all the sweat that gets caught in it. Ever heard of recycling? That's how it's done, bro.

Want to be like Joey in just a few days?

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Time to Vote on Joey, Bro!

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Joey's in rehab...

Oh nooooo, brother. No more alcohol for Joey!

How do you feel about Joey going to rehab?

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Good for him! He needs to quit drinking.

jeffwend says:

Too bad he can't go to jack a$$ rehab.

It sucks! He's hilarious when he's wasted.

 
Important!

The truth...

This was made because I thought Joey was hilarious. I feel bad for the guy and what he's gone through. But his alter-ego sure was entertaining.

What's your favorite Joey moment?

Put it down here. Ohhh yea brother!

  • Nov 9, 2010 @ 11:12 pm | delete
    Nice lens! Great information. Your readers might also be interested in smokeless cigarettes and smokeless cigarettes reviews information. Feel free to visit and leave a feedback!
    Good luck!
  • Eric Oct 29, 2010 @ 10:32 pm | delete
    When got mad at Greg for making fun of him for wearing a wife beater in the hot tub and he was like, "I aint no pretty little white kid! I don't care how big you are, or how tough you think you are I will knock your ass out! Don't talk shit. Don't!"
  • May 28, 2008 @ 4:03 pm | delete
    That was a hilarious read. Almost enough to make me watch the Real World.

    But not quite. Still, great lens.
  • streak_tlu May 27, 2008 @ 7:18 pm | delete
    Great stuff Charlie. Really funny, 5 stars!
  • ElizabethJeanAllen May 27, 2008 @ 3:36 pm | delete
    Joey's a character.
    Lizzy
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by

choehn

Hey, I'm Charlie. I was one of Seth Godin's virtual interns during the summer of 2008.

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