Red Neck Jokes

Recently Frank was honored to be selected as an outstanding Famous celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a chili cook-off, mainly because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment, and Frank happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. He was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides they told him that he could have free beer during the tasting, so Frank accepted.

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

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Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili

JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to walkie-talkie in 3 extra beers when they saw the look on my face.

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Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.

JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.

FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced.

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Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating.

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Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!

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Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!

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Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

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Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yankee.

FRANK: -----(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable To report)

You Might Be A Redneck

You take your dog for a walk, and you both use the same tree.

You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.

Your property has been mistaken for a recycling center.

Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

You burn your yard rather than mow it.

You think the Nutcracker is something you did off the high dive.

The Salvation Army declines your mattress.

Your entire family sat around waiting for a call from the governor to spare a loved one.

You offer to give someone the shirt off your back, and they don't want it.

You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.

You come back from the dump with more than you took.

You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

Your grandmother has "Ammo" on her Christmas list.

You've been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.

You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.

You've bathed with flea and tick soap.

You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.

Your kids take a siphon hose to show and tell.

You think a hot tub is a stolen indoor plumbing fixture.

You took a fishing pole to Sea World.

You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.

You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.

You have a rag for a gas cap.

Your father executes the "Pull my finger" trick during Christmas dinner.

Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.

You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

You can spit without opening your mouth.

You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.

Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

You sit on your roof at Christmas time hoping to fill your deer quota.

Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.

You thought the Unibomber was a wrestler.

You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.

You think a quarter horse is that ride in front of K-Mart.

Your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always brings you home.

A tornado hits your neighborhood and does a $100,000 worth of improvement.

You've used a toilet brush as a back scratcher.

You've asked the preacher, "How's it hangin'?"

You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.

Somebody tells you that you've got something in your teeth and you take them out to see what it is.

You've spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.

You consider a six-pack and a bug zapper quality entertainment.

When someone asks to see your I.D. you show your belt buckle.

Your Junior and Senior Proms had a day care.

Your mother doesn't remove the Marlboro Light from her lips before telling the Cops to kiss her a**.

You've used lard in bed.

The primary color of your car is "Bondo."

The directions to your house include "turn off the paved road."

Your dog and your wallet are both on chains.

Your kids are going hungry tonight because you just had to have those Yosemite Sam mud flaps.

You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.

You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle.

Jack Daniel makes your list of "most admired Americans."

Your wife's hairdo has been ruined by a ceiling fan.

You see no need for a rest stop because there's an empty milk jug in the car.

Your dog can't watch you eat without gagging.

You have a Hefty bag on the passenger side front window of your car.

You barbecue Spam.

Your brother-in-law is also your uncle.

Red Man Tobacco sends you a Christmas card.

You bought a VCR so you could tape wrestling while you were at work.

Your dad walks you to school because you're both in the same grade.

Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.

You view the upcoming family reunion as a chance to meet girls.

You prominently display the souvenir you got at Graceland.

When your front porch collapses, three or more dogs die.

You've signed a petition to change the national anthem to "Nothing Could Be Finer Than to Be in Carolina."

You call the boss "Dude."

You think "Volvo" is part of a woman's anatomy.

You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.

You've been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.

Your father encouraged you to quit school because Larry had an opening on the lube rack.

You need an estimate from the barber before you get a haircut.

After making love you ask your date to roll down the window.

You pass out Styrofoam cups at your wedding reception for people to spit in.