Redneck Recipes

Meats

Ya got two ways to cook meat in the country.

The first way is to slow cook the meat and then some more and then some more. You cook the meat 'til it falls apart and can be ate with a fork.

The second way to cook redneck meat is to cook it 'til it's crunchy mostly on the outside. This is usually pan frying (like them frog legs I got pictured to the side) but can sometimes be out on the grill (more 'bout that later). If it's fried inside, lather it up good with gravy. If it's grilled outside, soak it down with ketchup.

Vegetables

Again, they's two ways to make redneck veggies.

You can put the vegetables in a pot and cook them with fat back or a pork bone and lots of salt. Never undercook. Everything should be limp. And, don't skimp on the salt. Hit them vegetables with the salt shaker too and a blob of bacon grease if ya have it.

If you don't want to boil your vegetables or don't have the time to cook them down to mush, then you coat the vegetables with batter and fry 'em. This is best done in a cast iron skillet, though ya can get uptown and buy an honest to goodness fryer.

Bread

The main rule about redneck bread is do NOT ever use or even think about whole wheat. No. No. No. You want good old normal white flour. Unless you're making cornbread. Then, don't use flour, because that's just wrong in cornbread. Flour and cornmeal make cake - not good cake - just cake.

Desserts

Almost anything with lots of sugar will do here. Cakes. Cookies. Pies. Deep fried Twinkies. Yum!

It's the redneck way to be born knowing how to cook and to toss in this and that. If you aren't so good at such cooking, check out my recipes at Suite 101 - Southern Cuisine.

Most redneck dishes are pretty easy to make. Here's one that everybody loves.

Pan Fried Potatoes

Potatoes - (1 or 2 medium taters per person eating)
Onion (optional - but good)
Seasonings (salt, pepper, parsley, whatever you like)
Butter/margarine (around 2 TBS)

Peel and cut the potatoes in slices thicker than potato chips. Leave the peels on if they're new potatoes with thin peels. Don't leave on the old thick peels. Ick.

Heat some butter up in the skillet. This should be about medium with the butter bubbling but not scorching when ya dump in the tators.

Toss in a layer and sprinkle on seasonings.

Put in the rest of the tators. Season on top of those.

Onion goes on top as it cooks faster. Onion will burn if started at the bottom.

Put a lid on the skillet.

Listen for a nice sizzle. That means it's time to flip the tators. They should be nicely browned on the bottom. Flip those up to the top and some of the white ones to the bottom.

Add more butter if things are looking dry.

Put the lid back on after flipping.

Listen for the sizzle again.

Take the lid off the skillet and turn off the heat. The potatoes can set there with a little heat and drying just a little.

Lots of rednecks just toss in a little of this and a little of that. If you need you some more guidance, here's some Southern recipes guaranteed to make your mouth water.

Little Smokies Appetizers - You probably seen 'em in crock pots all over the South. Now, you can make you up some Lit'l Smokies too.

Hot Wings (or Hot Wangs) - These here will clear out your sinuses real good. Course. You can make 'em mild, but what's the fun in that?

Southern Zucchini Skillet Pie - Zucchini grows darn good in the South. This here's a really good zucchini recipe. It's a one dish meal, so ya don't have to dirty up no extra pans.

Beer Butt Chicken - This ain't no joke. You stick a beer up in that chicken, and you got some tasty, juicy dinner.

Grilled Corn on the Cob - This hear's easy to do, and corn on the grill is darn good eating. Ya can do corn in tin foil or right in the husks.

Southern Pecan Pie - Boy Howdy! This is one sweet pie. Don't let the kids eat too much, or they'll be swinging from the rafters.

Strawberry Punch Bowl Cake - This makes a big old bowl of yummy dessert. Looks pretty too.

Some redneck men marry them skinny little women and then wonder why the heck they're eating salads for dinner and sipping herb teas lacking sugar and caffeine.

You tell me - How much cooking and eating you think a woman does who wears a size 4? Not much. On the plus side (pun intended), you probably will get the whole take out pizza other than one slice if you hang out with skinny chicks. And, you'll probably get the pepperonis and sausage from that slice if you bring up anything whatsoever about weight.

Trust me. If you want good cookin' and if you have a food question in the grocery store, look for a fluffy woman. These are the ones my brother says are good for hugging as well as for shade on hot days.

Redneck country is a good place to hunt for good cooks. In fact, the South sweeps the top ten for fluffiness (which they call fatness) according to CalorieLab.

Side Note: Them folks must have a lot of time on their hands to be out weighing everyone.

Anyway, here are your best states for finding fluffy redneck women folk who can cook and probably toss back some brews too:

10. Texas
9. South Carolina
8. Indiana (how'd they get in there?)
7. Arkansas
6. Tennessee
5. Kentucky
4. Louisiana
3. West Virginia
2. Alabama

DRUM ROLL . . .

1. Mississippi

If ya can't find a cook, then you can learn to cook or look for a Southern dive with lots of cars parked outside.

Redneck men mostly don't like to cook, but they do love to eat. They might grill, since country boys (big and small) seem to like to play with fire. They might call it "far" as in, "Old Man Graham's house done caught uh far." However they say it, they all seem to like to make it - fire that is.

Give a guy a grill and a hunk of meat, and he'll be busy for hours. That's why grills was invented. Some woman come up with it, I'm sure. I'm gonna hunt her down and give her a medal.

There's one thing to keep in mind when the boys get to grilling. They think that more is always better. If they have a recipe which they normally don't, they figure if a tablespoon is good, then a half cup will be even better. This is especially noticable when they get ahold of the hot sauce bottle.

Redneck guys also love to cook meat half near to death and back. It's like with the sauce, they like to double the cooking times too. Truth told, lots of 'em like meat charred black as coal. To each his or her own, but you might send your favorite redneck guy over to check out my Yes You Can Grill page. If they serve up something bad from there, you'll know they done doubled something up again. I check my recipes before putting them off on others.

You might be a redneck cook if . . .

1. You're visiting this page and understand what I'm saying.

2. You put bacon grease in everything and call it seasoning.

3. Your cast iron skillet is black and shiny.

4. You know to put your fry shakings in a paper bag in the refrigerator for a while before frying up stuff.

5. Your tea is sweet and your coffee is black.

6. You've fried dill pickles and you liked them.

7. You like maters on white bread with Miracle Whip.

8. Your kids ask, "What's this?" when they're served canned biscuits and then argue that they ain't really biscuits (which they ain't really).

9. The local schools don't bother to take attendance on the first day of huntin' season.

10. You look up Bubba's email (from the YouTube video below).

Ya might also be a redneck cook if'n ya don't know why the photo with this section is funny. That's OK. My uncle made my aunt a sign for her business that said - "bookeeping." Gotta love the boo keepers of the world!