Zach's Death-10 April 2006

It was a numbing weekend. I am participating in the New Life Church passion play called "The Thorn." In between Saturday's performance, I called home only to find out that my nephew's best friend, was killed riding a motorcycle. The elation of souls being saved to my thoughts of what did I do to infuse or breathe life into this young man. After all, he called me Aunt JD. I didn't do anything. He came to my house and would eat and drink with us, but in the depth of my heart was severe judgment. I had been told that he was a drug dealer and it hurt my heart that my nephew chose him to be a friend. I think my judgment was over the top because he was a very obese person and not an attractive man.

I really had no idea how harsh and strict my thoughts were until this moment. I had to review the condition of my heart and all that wonderful advice I have given others about love and acceptance suddenly became a bag of hypocrisy. I was not pulling planks out of my eyes, but side of buildings. My heart is reeling for the loss of this young man, but also for the great big spot and wrinkle I bring to the bride. I soil her wedding gown with arrogance, pride, and judgment. I fail in many ways as a human, but now my failure as a Christian is the greatest and deepest knife plunged into the chambers of my heart.

I'm angry at my lack of love and compassion! I'm in turmoil by the wrongness of my heart! I'm shocked by my own deception! I'm frustrated that I can appear to wear a cloak of righteousness, and not be convicted when I hear a sermon. I am feeling dirty as if someone has thrown me back into the mud and the mire and I stand waste deep in filth awaiting my rescuing from my Savior and certainly not feeling as if He will come.

I cannot afford to stand before the judgment seat of God right now, because my hands are stained with this young man's blood and I can't explain the deficit of my account. I know that He is more forgiving than I am. I don't want to be forgiven. I want to wallow in my trap of self-pity and torment. I want to undo what was done. I want to go back in time and make better choices. I want to wrap my arms around this troubled young man and display the great love of Christ and let him know that he was made in my Savior's image and he looked the way he was because God fashioned him that way, wonderfully and perfectly according to God's plan for him. I want to share the Gospel and see the power of Jesus in him is fulfilled. I want to be the life raft that God used to draw him to himself, the planter, or the waterer that God was able to cause increase. Instead, I was every bit like the world judging and ridiculing him, the only difference is I did it in my heart.
Proverbs 16:2 All a man's ways seem innocent to him, but motives are weighed by the LORD.

Hebrews 4:12: For the word of God is living and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart.

Dearest Holy, Magnificent God,
Forgive me for my foolish living and once again pull me out of the stench of this mud pit. Clean me up so that I can walk humbly among those you have called and those you are going to call without scent of arrogance or pride. Help me to live and love as your son did. Help me to do a psalm 139 search the minute I take hold of my life rather than live it submittedly to your plan. I love you my God and King and I thank you that you find worth in me. Help me to be worthy of serving you and send me young people to minister too. Amen