Relax

When you were a child, and you were hurt by an adult, you put up emotional walls to protect yourself from hurt, and to hold in anger. You didn't have the tools yet to deal with hurt and anger. The walls were useful while you were learning what it was all about. Maybe someone told you, "Don't cry." or "Be a big girl (boy)." You probably knew that expressing anger toward adults was not wise in most cases. So, you needed walls to keep hurt out and anger in. The more severely you were hurt as a child, the higher and the thicker your walls are. Children do not have to be hurt directly to build high walls. They watch how adults in their lives handle hurt and anger. If the adults have high walls, the children learn that, too. If parents pay too little attention to children they build crusty, jagged walls.

In some cases the walls last until adulthood. As some people grow, they may learn to put windows or doors in their walls. Some learn to put them up and down at will. Some walls never come down for any reason. You can put your walls down at any time in your life as you learn the tools to deal with emotions.

The walls keep out hurt, keep in anger, but they also keep out love and caring. Love comes in many forms. Love is as vital to our well-being as air and water. Love heals wounds, keeps us well, and teaches us new skills. As adults we can learn that the job of life is not to avoid pain with thick walls, but to learn to cope with it and learn from it. We miss too much that is important in life when our walls are too high or too thick.

When we fall in love, we start to put those walls down. We think, "Here is someone I can trust." Since all relationships have joy and pain, when we feel hurt, we put our walls back up. Then we don't feel pain, or anger, but we also don't feel love and joy. When relationships are healthy, we can put our walls back down fairly quickly, so that both partners can work on solving the problems and experience the love. When a partner continues to hurt you and is unable to stop, it may be time to walk away and that is difficult and painful. Then you have to decide where your walls will be for the next relationship. Where are your walls? What are they made of? Do you know?

Loving Yourself

You can never truly love another person and be loved in return unless you first love yourself. I have had many people ask me "What does that mean? I really don't understand how to do that." I ask these questions: Are you as kind, loving, caring, and understanding toward yourself as you would be toward someone else? If someone makes a mistake, for instance, do you chastise, belittle, or punish? Would you be understanding and try to help the person work through the crisis or problem that was created by the mistake? Do you take responsibility for other people's mistakes? If someone does something to hurt you, do you say "I must have deserved it?" Do you tell the person how you feel about what s/he did? Do you say no when you need to for your own well being? Can you balance the needs of others with your own needs? The answers to these questions will give you some idea about how important you are to yourself.

This is not to say that you should become totally self-centered and care about no one but yourself. Balance is always important. We are not on this planet alone. We are part of a community and we are also part of ourselves. Both are important.

How do you love yourself more? It may be necessary to figure out if there are reasons why you may not fully love yourself. These may have to do with childhood or relationship injuries. When someone that you trust says or does hurtful things to you, you may conclude that you are not worthwhile. It may be necessary to reframe those events.

Think back to an event that was painful because someone evaluated you negatively. Picture that event clearly in your mind. See as many details as you can. What led up to the event? What was said? Who said what? What was the negative evaluation? What did you conclude about that? Did the person criticize the deed (mistake) or you, as a person. Was the criticism a regular part of the other person's style. Maybe the criticism had nothing to do with you at all. Maybe it had to do with an interaction style of another person.

We know that the people have value. However, remember that every mistake has value, too - it teaches us something that makes future events easier, better, or more meaningful. Step back into the picture (in your mind) with the new knowledge you now have. Instruct all the parties on the value of mistakes and the value of the mistake makers. Use your imagination. You are reframing the meaning of the event. Your mind will re-evaluate the circumstances and the event. You will emerge stronger and more enlightened. Every future event that is similar in some way will have new meaning for you. Your self-value will grow with each event that you reframe.

As you learn to re-value yourself, learn to look at others in the same way. We are here to learn and to teach each other. We do this through our love of ourselves and each other.

Dr. Kathryn Seifert is a psychotherapist with over 30 years experience in mental health, addictions, and criminal justice work. Dr. Seifert has authored the CARE, guided imagery CD's and journals, and numerous articles. She speaks nationally on health related topics and youth violence. She is an expert witness in the areas of youth and adult violence and sexual offending. Her latest book is coming soon: Fallen Angels. For more information go to http://www.drkathyseifert.com

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Kathryn_Seifert

Self-esteem is how well you think of yourself. It is important to children and adults, alike. Self-esteem is believing and caring as much for yourself as you do other people. It is believing that you are competent and good.

Self-esteem is how well you think of yourself. It is important to children and adults, alike. Self-esteem is believing and caring as much for yourself as you do other people. It is believing that you are competent and good. It's being as kind to yourself as you would be to someone else.

Some people care more for others than they do themselves. They feel that others are taking advantage of them, but they feel unable to speak out or to say, no. It is time for them to take back control of their lives and raise their self-esteem. It is good to do things for others, but put reasonable limits on it and leave some energy for yourself. If you feel yourself getting angry and resentful, you may be doing too much for others and not feeling appreciated. This could be a sign that you need some time to take care of your own needs. Do a little fact finding and you may want to some adjustments.

The way in which you were raised can affect your self-esteem. If your childhood discipline was harsh or shaming, you might have learned to not believe in yourself. You may find it difficult to express your needs and your opinions easily. This leads to low self-esteem. However, firm but loving discipline raises children who feel good about themselves and others. They are kind to themselves and others and balance time for others and time for self. They can ask for what they want, knowing that others are not obligated to give and they can say "no" when things get to be too much.

Our childhood memories were seen and are remembered through our "child's eyes". Did you know as much as a child as you do as an adult? No, of course you didn't. What you know as an adult can reorganize memories into more appropriate patterns. Revisiting them through adult eyes can reframe the memory, so that you no longer take responsibility for actions and events over which you had no control. You can also see your childhood mistakes as part of the growing up process that we all went though, rather than something which marked you as not as good as everyone else.

I sometimes think about a first grader learning to write. He is going to make lots of mistakes and do a lot of correcting. That's how we all learn and life's little lessons are no different. Making mistakes, taking feedback from others, and using the new information is how we learn and mature. Look through mistakes for that little seed of knowledge that lies within. Learn from it and move on.

On the other end of the scale, some people care more for themselves than for others. That is not self-esteem, it is self-absorption. Balance between the needs of the self, the needs of the community, and the needs of other individuals is what is needed.

Do you need a self-esteem booster shot? There are many things you can do to consciously raise your self-esteem.

1. Take good care of yourself. Do nice things for yourself that bring you pleasure. Do as much for yourself as you would a good friend.

2. Learn to say "no" when saying "yes" is not in your best interest. Balance what you do for others and what you do for yourself. Realize that you are just as important as others are. Let others take care of their own needs more often. Life involves give and take. Both are important.

3. Be active in a civic or social organization in your community. This gives you opportunities to help your community and to realize the valuable skills that you have to offer.

4. Use positive affirmations or positive self-talk every day. Make a list of your positive traits and put it on the refrigerator. Read them several times a day. Put a post-it note on your mirror that says "I like me." or "I'm a good person" or some similar phrase. Say the phrase out loud several times a day.

5. Every time you criticize yourself, Balance automatic negative self-evaluations with positive ones. Accept your mistakes as a learning process and make a commitment to change.

6. Remind yourself that you are a good person and that you have a lot to offer. Cherish yourself and your positive traits as much as others do.

7. Take what you have learned about life and "pass it on".
©K. Seifert, Ph.D

Could Michael Jackson Have been Helped by Therapy?

Michael Jackson must have been under tremendous emotional stress in recent years. He went through a difficult trial. He had a strained relationship with his father. Additionally, being in the spotlight 24/7 can put tension on your emotional state.

News reports imply that Michael may have had some chronic sleep problems. This would not be surprising, given his role of being one of the most famous entertainers in the world. It might be reasonable to expect that his earlier trial gave him some anxiety, as well. That could have also led to some depression. But the world always expected him to "put on a happy face." What a strain that must have been. Strain of any kind can lead to distress. Distress can be followed by difficulty with sleep, mood and ability to cope with life. There are many ways to deal with strain and cope with problems.

Therapy can help any of these issues. However, Michael allegedly had powerful drugs in his house that could be used to alleviate difficulties with sleep or anxiety. Did any of his doctors recommend an evaluation, therapy or appropriate medications instead of dangerous drugs? We may never know. What can we learn from this and other similar tragedies, such as Elvis Presley and Anna Nicole Smith?

We live in a fast paced world. We want quick fixes for difficult problems. Got a headache? Take an aspirin. Can't sleep? Take a sleeping pill. Nervous? Take a Xanax. In reality, maybe therapy, stress management or exercise would be a better solution for all of us.

Many people are so afraid to be labeled as emotionally unstable, temporarily over the edge, or beyond their ability to cope, that it is difficult for them to ask for help. They would rather take a pill. After all, everybody takes pills. There's no shame in that. Therapy is hard work, embarrassing, time consuming and sometimes painful. There's no time, money, or patience for therapy. (What was I thinking?)

We need to find ways to make it OK to seek help from a therapist, psychologist, counselor, or social worker. "While a Quick Fix Pill may suit us in the immediacy of the moment, the long-term fixes (therapy, relaxation exercises, anger management classes, or parenting classes) may serve us best for a lifetime.

What parts of your life have you been neglecting due to stress? Make a plan for reconnecting with lost priorities. When is the last time you spent quiet time with yourself? Have you lost faith in yourself? Following this plan can help your turn a crisis or fear of a crisis into a personal success.

*****

Our ancestors sought the promise of the "New Land" and built this grand country. Many were extremely challenged. They persisted despite troubles, deaths, fears and losses. As life became less physically challenging, generations sought the American Dream, financial security, a nice house and car and upscale lifestyle. Some found it. We soared to the top of the charts and became on of the richest nations in the world. But then, we became a country of "haves" and "have nots." We also became a nation that is one of the most violent among industrialized countries. Additionally, we incarcerate more people than any other industrialized nation and we have a serious drug problem in the US. While we still are one of the most wonderful countries in the world, we may have lost our "edge."

With the global recession, more people are finding themselves in the "have not" or "have little" categories. Do we persist? Do we change course? How do we use our crises to our best advantage? If we find ourselves struggling financially or in other crises, is that all there is or are there other things that become important in our lives? I propose that family, purpose and perspective on the world may become more important in these troubling times. Maybe troubling times are necessary for us ton re-evaluate and reconnect with our prioroites.

Each generation and each individual searches for something, but if it slips from their grasp, it can bring us discomfort and stress. For example, people lost loved ones settling this great land. If they had stopped there because of their loss, we would not be where we are today. People today are either loosing or worried about loosing businesses and homes due to the world wide finacial crisis. They are loosing the "American Dream." They are stressed. Stress causes people to do many things. Some are healthy, some are not. The key is to use the stress as a motivator for better things, such as new priorities, a better life and a better country.

There are ways you can help yourself. Try this exercise. Sit down and make a list of things that are important in your life. What are your priorities? Number the items on your list in terms of importance. What have you been neglecting due to time restrictions and stress? Make a plan for reconnecting with lost priorities. Have you not spent enough time with your family? When is the last time you spent quiet time with yourself? Have you lost spiritual connections. Have you lost faith in yourself?

-- Make a list of important things in your life
-- Number them in terms of priority
-- Look for neglected priorities
-- Make an action plan with small steps to address neglected priorities
-- Make the first step toward connecting with lost priorities.
-- Keep a journal of your progress
-- Congradulate yourself on your progress
-- Assess how this makes you feel
-- If you feel better, do more
-- If you feel worse, adjust your plan

Following this plan can help your turn a crisis or fear of a crisis into a personal success. Take another look at your life. Are you ready for a make over?