Every one can master grief but he that has it.... William Shakespeare

Remembering Our Angels is a gift shop for memorial gifts in loving memory of those who have passed on to the afterlife. I lost my only son Jason nine years ago and yet people seem to think I should be "over it" or should have "let it go" as though I could ever erase the memory of my son or the pain of losing him.

People don't understand what frightens them and death frightens everyone. People will actually walk across the street to avoid you as though losing a child were contagious. It is when you lose a child that you find out who your real friends are and they won't be who you thought would be there for you.

People in grief need only one thing from you. They need you to hold them tight, let them talk, and most of all we need you to remember our loved ones and talk about our loved ones instead of refusing to ever mention them again. Hearing someone speak their names and bring up old memories is part of what we need to heal.

You never get over losing a child or a loved one but in time the pain does become manageable. Assure your friend or family member that they will never forget what their child looked like. They will never forget the sound of their voice, the sound of their laughter, the smile on their beautiful face.

If you want to help your friend or family member in grief then show them you support them. Help them without having to be asked if there are dishes that need to be washed, or a yard that needs to be cut do it without having to be asked or thanked. Help them to move forward in their grief but don't force them to move at your timetable.

I can tell you from not only my own experience but the experience of other parents who belong to Angels of Addiction as well as the thousands of emails I receive that no parent begins to come out on the other side of this horrible grief until after the second year.  The first year is blessed shock which allows us to function even if we don't know how we did it or remember it.

But year two is the worst and most difficult part of the journey.   Shock has now worn off, friends stopped being there for you a long time ago.  They don't understand that the old you will never return.  They new you in the before times as I call them.  They have no idea who you are now in the after times.  They want the before times friend or loved one they knew and that person will never return. 

You can't go around grief or bury grief. There is only one way to soften the pain and loss and that is to walk straight through it.   You will learn to smile again, and yes, even laugh again.  But the things that used to be important to you are no longer the same.  You will come out on the other side of this long grief journey being a more compassionate person who knows now the things in life not to take for granted, the meaning of true unconditional love, and become more sympathetic to others grief.