How to Repair a Relationship on the Rocks

If you want to win back a lost love, it's important to determine what went wrong and what your role was in ending the relationship. Be brutally honest with yourself and acknowledge any mistakes that you made so that you can grow and learn from them. You are not going to let those happen again.

But also ask yourself if your partner was being respectful and fair to you. Do you really want your ex back? Think long and hard about this, because a relationship is a lot more than attraction. It needs trust and mutual respect to succeed. If you feel that you made a mistake either by being too needy and clingy, or by not showing them how much you cared about them and taking them for granted in some way, then you can take steps to fix the problem.

1) Determine what you would have done differently in your relationship. Whether you get back together or not, this will help you build healthier relationships in the future.

2) Think about what traits your loved one has that you didn't particularly like. Can you accept them back if they never change? If not, then you should let them go.

You can only change yourself; You can't change someone else. So you can get your ex back by changing your own behavior, and they may even change their own attitude and behavior towards you as a result of the changes that they see in you, but you should not expect it. Wouldn't you rather date someone who accepted you just the way you are and gave you unconditional love? That's what we all want.

If you can't do that for your partner, it's possible that you're clinging to them out of fear. Fear of change, fear of the unknown, fear that you can't find someone else better. All of those fears are rubbish. If you want to date a great person, be a great person yourself. Keep working on correcting your past mistakes and improving yourself, and you will attract better and better relationships to yourself.

Also, remember that it's not about finding the right partner or a better partner. It's about finding the right person for you. Make sure that you are not with someone because your friends and family members like them, or for superficial reasons.

You should probably spend some time apart at first to let your partner deal with their feelings.

Trust me; Any conversations you have will be much more fruitful after you've both cleared your heads. Chances are that they have a lot of negative feelings about being with you right now, so give them some time away from you to let go of those feelings and maybe even start missing you. Wait about a month or so and then contact them if they haven't contacted you first. At that time you can ask them out in a friendly way, but make sure you act casual and not pushy or desperate.

Acknowledge and apologize for any mistakes that you made to your partner.

But don't make any attempts to get back together when you do this or you will seem manipulative. They need to see that your feelings are sincere and unconditional.

Now is not the time to dredge up their past mistakes, either.

Listen sympathetically to any complaints they have about you and even if you feel that you were right, try to see their point of view. This will make your partner feel understood and validated, which is the first step towards repairing your relationship.

Thank them for the good times and say that you'd like to remain friends.

You want to keep them in your life if you're going to have any chance of getting back together again, but showing neediness or desperation will just scare them away. Let them feel safe being around you, by showing that you don't have any expectations of them -- even though you care about them.

Never act bitter or upset with them, and don't act depressed about the break up at all.

In fact you should be looking cheerful and optimistic about the future.

People are much more attractive when they're feeling confident and happy then when they're feeling depressed, and now is the time when you need to be at your best. Don't insult your ex or act like you're glad to be rid of them, though, because they won't see any point in trying to work things out again. Show them that you still care for them, but you're moving on.

This may seem counter-intuitive, but clinging to them desperately is very unattractive. You need to show that you are a strong and capable person who does not depend on your partner for your happiness. They must not feel that you NEED them. Neediness is repulsive and it turns people off.

So whenever you see them, smile and be cheerful.

Having a good attitude, being strong, and staying cheerful are very important components to getting your ex back. But if you try to fake it, you'll end up looking ... well, fake.

In order for this to work, you'll want to really cultivate happiness and a love of life inside of you that becomes so magnetically alluring that your ex can't resist you.

Luckily, there absolutely IS something that you can do to change the way you feel right now.

First of all, you can try hypnosis. The following are just a few of the relevant sessions that you can download immediately for instant use from the hundreds of hypnosis sessions available at HypnosisDownloads.com.

Get over an old relationship with hypnosis

Learn how to get over a divorce

Stop pushing people away and get real intimacy

Learn to love again - recapture that special feeling

Get help with the challenges of being newly single

Overcome low self esteem in relationships

Surviving stressful chapter in marriage

Abusive Relationship

Feel Attractive Now

Think positively with the help of hypnosis

Overcome Your Insecurities

Being alone doesn't have to mean being lonely

Looking for something besides hypnosis? Why not try NLP?

NLP, or neuro-linguistic programming, is about learning how to change your thought patterns in order to be more successful and feel better in life. It presents simple, quick, and easy to understand ways that you can use to make changes - and you don't need to see a therapist or spend hours discussing your life with someone you barely know.

Even better, once you learn how to use NLP techniques you can apply them to all kinds of problems that you've been dealing with to change your life for the better -- allowing you to tackle everything from phobias to food cravings, and even the depression that can result from a break up or divorce.

Are you feeling curious, yet?

Then go sign up for the The NLP Toolbox

If you need help recovering from a recent break up or just dealing with jealousy in your current relationship, check out the following resources from vitalcoaching.com:

How to Get Your Power Back after She Breaks Up

How to Get Your Power Back after He Breaks Up

How to Deal With Jealousy -- for Women

How to Deal With Jealousy -- for Men

Work on improving yourself in as many ways as possible. Get some new hobbies, start exercising, get a make over, find a new job, improve your personal relationships with all the people around you, and do whatever you can think of to make them feel like you might have changed for the better since you two were dating. But do it for yourself, not them. Or at least make it look that way ;)

Don't call your ex up just to make idle chit-chat. Give them some space, or else your partner may feel too much pressure to think about the status of your relationship when what they really need is some time for themselves. Only call if you have something specific to talk about, and preferably wait for them to call you.

If they do call you, then be cheerful and upeat. They should enjoy talking to you, otherwise they won't want to call again. But let them initiate the contact at first and wait for them to call you when they're ready.

Try to keep the conversation brief and let them know you're really busy. You might be busy watching TV, but that's not the point. The point is that you're capable of living without them. If they realize that you are moving on with your life they will feel less pressure from you and respect you more.

If they know that they've got you waiting on the sidelines they have little motivation to take immediate action and work on your relationship now. So let them see that you're not waiting for them.

Go ahead and date other people. You just might meet someone that you like even more and forget all about your ex. But even if you don't, it will remind both you and your ex how attractive you are and that other people do want to date you.

You may be afraid that this will drive them away even more, but it won't if you do it in a classy way. Don't make a show of dating or flirt with random people in front of your ex in order to make them jealous. Just go out on a few dates and make it clear that you're willing to move on.

You don't want to look thrilled to get away from them or anything, just strong enough to go on without them.

First off, don't get sucked into any arguments because they kill the passion between you and make your ex want to get far away from you again. And rarely does it ever resolve the problem you're upset about.

So let your actions speak louder than words and just ignore the things that make you unhappy, while enjoying all the good things in your relationship. Ignoring something takes away its power, and sooner or later you may be surprised to notice that things are going better and better when you do this. Try it.

Whatever you focus on tends to manifest in your life, so always focus on the positive in life and the good in other people. Give your partner high expectations to live up to, not a bad reputation to live down and focus on what you like about them.

In your mind, just pretend that you and partner are already having a happy relationship and act as if this were a reality until it actually becomes one.

As you start getting closer again, you'll really have to play up all the things that attracted you to each other in the first place and avoid any mention whatsoever of what went wrong in your relationship. You don't want them thinking about those things and focusing on all the reasons why you broke up, so after you've made your apologies you should not talk about them again. You can discuss those things later if they decide that they actually want to get back together with you.

But before then, you need to be focused on building positive feelings and attraction between you. So, make sure that any dates you go on are fun and exciting. What kinds of activities did you and your partner particularly enjoy doing before the break up? What did you like about them - the coziness and intimacy, the excitement and novelty? Try to recreate some of those good times, and think of similar activities that you could do together in the future.

Let them move at their own pace, in their own time. It's important not to show eagerness if they start looking like they might be reconsidering the break up. Otherwise they may feel pressured and back away from you in attempt to re-assert their independance. Give them their space and keep being pleasant to be around.

When they realise how much fun it is to spend time with you and notice that you're starting to move on, that should get them to re-evaluate the situation and hopefully come back again. If not then you will need to pull out the big guns...

Andrew Rusbatch is the host of Save My Marriage Today Premium Home Study Course, and co-author of the original

Save My Marriage Today!, e-course. Andrew has been working with the Save My Marriage Today team since its inception, helping counsel hundreds of couples through a host of challenging marital issues.

Andrew hosts and guides discussion of solutions to a whole host of marriage problems including help for couples dealing with depression, addiction, infidelity, money problems, mental illness, falling out of love, anger issues, conflict resolution, the list goes on!

That's why you need to check out Andrew's answer to your marriage problems. He covers an extensive range of marriage issues, offers a range of insightful perspectives, and tells you exactly where you are going wrong in your marriage and what effective actions you can take to make it better.

Learn Andrew's marriage-saving secrets at: Save My Marriage Today Premium

Relationships involve a certain amount of give and take, which is key to their success. When someone feels that they are not getting back what they are putting into it, they can become resentful and dissatisfied. The person who thinks that they are getting more than they are giving might enjoy that situation at first, but they lose respect for the other person on some level, which reduces the feelings of attraction and sadly stops the relationship from living up to its potential to fulfill their needs on a romantic level as well as a physical and emotional level.

It's important to make sure that both parties in the relationship feel loved and cared for. In order to make that happen, you should follow the platinum rule, not the golden rule, and treat other people the way they want to be treated, rather than the way you want to be treated.

This means also realizing that not everyone can see your point of view as clearly as you think they should be able to, and people don't automatically know what you want from them. You'll have to spend a lot of time getting to know other people and making your intentions and wishes transparent to them as well. The best advice I can give you about this is to really develop your communication skills.

When you get into a relationship, don't be overly jealous or needy and don't try to get your partner to change for you.

You may think that you're be helpful when you give them advice or mother them, but it's condescending and the other person will feel that you are trying to control them. Accept that your partner has their own interests, friends, as well as likes and dislikes, that do not have anything to do with you.

Give them their space to live their life as they see fit or else they will start thinking about living it without you.

Develop a separate identity from your lover and find ways to make yourself happy without them.

Your loved one is not responsible for making your happy. Your mother or father, your siblings, your lover, none of these people can take responsibility for your happiness. Only you can make yourself happy. When you are happy other people will want to share that happiness with you and will be drawn to you. But if you try to get our happiness from them, you become a leech and drive them away.

Set clear boundaries for yourself and make sure that your partner treats you respectfully.

Some people will tend to behave badly if they think they can get away with it, and it's very hard to improve the mutual respect and goodwill in a relationship once it's started deteriorating. Consciously or unconsciously most people will test the boundaries in their relationship, either to see what they can get away with or to test the other person. Your partner will respect you and admire you more if you set clear boundaries for yourself.

Make it clear if your partner has offended you or hurt your feelings in some way.

Don't just mope around, sulk, or let the resentment fester, because it will kill your relationship. If your partner cannot respect you, than leave the relationship. Doing so will actually improve your image in the other person's eyes and usually make them stop taking you for granted.

Make time to spend together and find things that you can both enjoy doing, but also make sure that you have your own life and hobbies outside of your relationship.

The space between you creates passion and excitement when you come together again, and it gives you interesting things to talk about with each other.

If your ex and you ever start to slip back down that slippery slope, then just remember the following 5 rules for conflict resolution:

1) Avoid arguing over petty issues.

Say your point of view and then drop the issue. Do not go out of your way to try to change your partner, because the more you persist the more they will resist you. Usually if you stop pressuring them and let them make the decision for themselves they will be more likely to compromise after they've had some to think things through.

You can be right and win the argument or you can have a loving relationship and be happy, but it's very hard to do both.

2) Control your temper at all costs.

When you say something hurtful to the other person, you can never take it back again. You may apologize and the wound can heal over time, but the scar lasts forever since they never really forget. So avoid saying unkind things out of anger or frustration because you will be happy that you did when you've cooled down.

3) Do not be quick to point fingers or assign blame when something goes wrong.

When your partner makes an honest mistake acknowledge that they did their best. You might think that the correct course of action was obvious, but would it have been if you had different experiences and another viewpoint on life? Criticizing them is unlikely to improve the situation, anyway, so just consider it a lesson learned for both of you. A tolerant and forgiving attitude makes a stronger impact than criticism.

4) Admit when you are wrong.

Don't get defensive because it creates strain in your relationship as well as highlighting your fear and insecurity. People who are confident are not afraid to make mistakes. So when you make a mistake apologize sincerely, take steps to rectify the situation and determine how you will avoid making a similar mistake in the future.

5) If you have agreed to forgive your partner, then don't keep bringing up their past actions whenever you quarrel.

Everyday in your relationship you should be setting the foundation for its future, not digging holes to uncover its past. Remember all the things you've done in your own past that you sincerely regret and think about how much you've changed as a person. Then realize that the people around you are undergoing the same changes and regrets in their life.

Forgive others if you want to be forgiven.