Resolve a dispute through Email? with a friend, college, customer or your boss
Ranked #4,355 in How-To, #43,477 overall
E-mail arguments in personal and business situations
I learned this lesson the hard way in a quarrel with a teacher of mine. If you want to spoil a relationship: quarreling through e-mail will do it.
This lens will teach you the reasons it's so easy to get lost in e-mail conversations, as well as the ways out of e-mail quarrels.
Quarrels should not be resolved through Email
TALK TO THEM! The best thing you can do, when an e-mail conversation has gotten out of hand, is to talk to that person face to face.
Missing body language
The limitations of Email as a communications method
- You don't get to see the other person's body language: how they look, how they react to what you say, how their voice changes
- They don't get to see YOUR body language
Normally we don't just hear the words people speak, but the way they say them. So when people just aren't very good with words - their intention still shines through.
Similarly: Your intention will shine through in face to face communication. Even on the telephone we have the information of how someone sounds.
In e-mail all that's left is the words - and most of us aren't professional writers.
"Ranting is fine, just don't SEND it (immediately)."
Take your time, sleep on it, be slow
Take your time. Things will look different after you've had a cup of tea, read a book, slept on it, worked in the garden etc.
Write your heart out, and save.
Then do something else.
Show the e-mail to someone else.
Then look at what you've written and edit.
Then, perhaps, it's time to send your e-mail out.
Disagreements have a tendency to escalate
Don't apologize through Email
If you are in a fight, and you overshot yourself, and need to apologize don't do it through e-mail. This may be hard, but it really will work better.
Because Netiquette Matters!
Because Netiquette Matters! Your Comprehensive Reference Guide to E-mail Etiquette and Proper Technology Use
Amazon Price: $20.99 (as of 07/06/2009)
The ultimate guide on how to behave online. It is very easy to get into trouble online and this book will help prevent the worst.
Avg. Customer Rating: 
Apologizing through e-mail will be misunderstood.
Everything you say will be used against you.
Every explanation will sound as self-justification.
Every explanation, however well meant, will make your apology sound weaker.
So if you do have to apologize through e-mail:
MAKE YOUR e-mail APOLOGY SHORT
Internet Etiquette in the Age of the Blog
Netiquette: Internet etiquette in the age of the blog
Amazon Price: $24.50 (as of 07/06/2009)
How to keep it cool when you have your own weblog, or when you comment on other people's weblog.
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The big exception: when long and thorough IS appropriate
Relationships that only exist online...
This is true, but there is an exception. Do make your apology or explanation as elaborate as you want if:
- The relationship is online totally
- The conflict is really a misunderstanding, more than a matter of bruised ego's and too quick responses.
E-mail conflicts with colleges
In the office, with business associates
In those circumstances my advice stands: go talk to them! If there is something unclear, and you think an e-mail conversation seems to be getting out of hand - call them up. Walk to their cubicle. Face up to the differences in opinion.
Chances are the potential disagreement will fade when you talk to that person using your voice. You still may not agree, but you understand where the other person is coming from and the relationship has been salvaged.
Best case scenario: you both learned something about the issue and came up with a new idea that's better than both your original positions. E-mail conversations CAN lead to new insight, but only if the relationship is still OK.
More information on Netiquette
Keeping it sweet on the internet
Netiquette (Internet Etiquette)
Good tips on how to behave online.0 points
Be forgiving of other people's mistakes
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Etiquette - the Internet
More good tips on how to behave online.0 points
3 e-mail rules I stick to
I have a three email rules that I try to stick to and that is never ever send an email when:
1. Irritated or angry
2. You have got back late after a couple of glasses of wine
3. Be careful of using the "reply to all" feature - criticise privately, praise publicly
Don't always keep to it, mind you....
aj2008
Fast responses: another reason it's easy to escalate online
These steps mean that it is very likely that between writing something and posting it - you got to think about what you had written.
On the Internet on the other hand everything is fast. E-mail is sent very easily. Just type and post.
It is possible to save a draft and look at it later, but that is more work than just sending it. (Note that with physical letters it is the opposite).
Because of the speed of e-mails, it is very easy to just rant and send. Unfortunately - that leaves other people having to read your most emotional and least considered words. It makes you look bad - and it spoils the relationship.
More books on Netiquette
The Rules to Be Cool: Etiquette and Netiquette (Teen Issues)
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Amazon Price: $22.60 (as of 07/06/2009)
Your experiences with online conflict
Any tips I should know about? Did this lens help you resolve or prevent conflicts through e-mail?
spirituality wrote...
in reply to CoolFoto NO negative personal comments? Well - that's an extreme I could never consent to. But I do agree they should be avoided. If negative feedback is to be given, do it verbally if you can. Sometimes however, one really cannot avoid it. Sometimes conflict cannot and should not be avoided.
Posted April 20, 2009
CoolFoto wrote...
I agree with the suggestions here and would add: Don't ever put negative personal comments in writing.
Posted April 19, 2009
Treasures-By-Brenda wrote...
It is sooo easy to be misunderstood in an e-mail. I am very careful; when I know that I might be upset about something I wait (as you suggest) to send it at a later time.
Brenda
Posted January 18, 2009
a_willow wrote...
I never thought of that but all that you said here is truth! Lensrolled this to all of my negotiations lenses! ;)
Posted October 08, 2008
aj2008 wrote...
This is all sooooo true! I have a three email rules that I try to stick to and that is never ever send an email when:
1. Irritated or angry
2. You have got back late after a couple of glasses of wine
3. Be careful of using the "reply to all" feature - criticise privately, praise publicly
Don't always keep to it, mind you....
Posted September 15, 2008
rms wrote...
Excellent lens about a timely subject! Thank you for adding this to the Our Favorite Squidoo Lenses group!
Posted May 22, 2008
spirituality wrote...
I meant: once the online relationship enters deep waters, most words will be misunderstood - which is why one should usually keep it short and sweet.
Posted May 18, 2008
spirituality wrote...
Hi Victoria,
That's the problem with just having words: there are hardly words that can be used that DON'T come across as cold, or emotional, or cross, or sarcastic. The most nuanced sentence you can come up with will look political at best and will usually be interpreted to be written sarcastically or something (that's what I run into).
Once the relationship is spoiled, most words will be read worse than they were meant. Which is precisely why I said to make it short, and why seeing that person face to face is the best option.
Your point about relationships online is good. I put it up. Still, even in that case it will be very hard to mend things, because again: all you have are words.
Posted May 18, 2008
Victoria_Neely wrote...
Yup, been there--met my husband online, so this isn't alien territory for me. ;) My problem usually isn't ranting or being overly emotional in email, though. Apparently I just come across as very cold if I'm angry or frustrated.
I'm not so sure about short apologies. An apology that's too short can sound terse; it depends on the context. If you know someone entirely through the internet, and you don't speak on the phone, a longer email apology might be in order. If your apology is honest, and if you've let go of your anger, I think that sincerity will shine through.
Posted May 18, 2008
chefkeem wrote...
A very wise and useful lens. I'm actually in the process of shooting off an angry email. Your lens came at the right time for me...lol. *****
Posted May 07, 2008
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