Resolve a dispute through Email? with a friend, college, customer or your boss

E-mail has the following limitations that have to be taken into account, especially when a relationship is not going very well:

• You don't get to see the other person's body language: how they look, how they react to what you say, how their voice changes


• They don't get to see YOUR body language

Normally we don't just hear the words people speak, but the way they say them. So when people just aren't very good with words - their intention still shines through.

Similarly: Your intention will shine through in face to face communication. Even on the telephone we have the information of how someone sounds.

In e-mail all that's left is the words - and most of us aren't professional writers.

When you're in the midst of a difficult e-mail conversation it's fine to write that e-mail rant. Just don't click send yet.

Take your time. Things will look different after you've had a cup of tea, read a book, slept on it, worked in the garden etc.

Write your heart out, and save.
Then do something else.
Show the e-mail to someone else.
Then look at what you've written and edit.
Then, perhaps, it's time to send your e-mail out.

It is very easy for disagreements to escalate. When people disagree, they will lose empathy with the person they are disagreeing with. This is true for you too! This makes it harder to make up after any kind of fight.

Don't apologize through Email

If you are in a fight, and you overshot yourself, and need to apologize don't do it through e-mail. This may be hard, but it really will work better.

An apology through e-mail will be misunderstood. The more you say, the less convincing you will sound.

Every explanation will sound as self-justification.

Every explanation, however well meant, will make your apology sound weaker.

So if you do have to apologize through e-mail:

MAKE YOUR e-mail APOLOGY SHORT

So far I've said to keep conflicts outside the e-mail world. Or if you do, keep it short.

This is true, but there is an exception. Do make your apology or explanation as elaborate as you want if:

• The relationship is online totally


• The conflict is really a misunderstanding, more than a matter of bruised ego's and too quick responses.

While personal conflicts can be difficult, conflicts with co-workers are perhaps even harder. You did not pick your colleges. You likely didn't choose to work with them. But you have to get along. A hostile work environment is stressful and plain unpleasant.

In those circumstances my advice stands: go talk to them! If there is something unclear, and you think an e-mail conversation seems to be getting out of hand - call them up. Walk to their cubicle. Face up to the differences in opinion.

Chances are the potential disagreement will fade when you talk to that person using your voice. You still may not agree, but you understand where the other person is coming from and the relationship has been salvaged.
Best case scenario: you both learned something about the issue and came up with a new idea that's better than both your original positions. E-mail conversations CAN lead to new insight, but only if the relationship is still OK.

I grew up writing letters. You know: pen to paper... The thing with letters is that there are several time delays: (1) you write the letter, (2)find the envelope, (3)put a stamp on the envelope, (4)get the letter to the mailbox.

These steps mean that it is very likely that between writing something and posting it - you got to think about what you had written.

On the Internet on the other hand everything is fast. E-mail is sent very easily. Just type and post.
It is possible to save a draft and look at it later, but that is more work than just sending it. (Note that with physical letters it is the opposite).

Because of the speed of e-mails, it is very easy to just rant and send. Unfortunately - that leaves other people having to read your most emotional and least considered words. It makes you look bad - and it spoils the relationship.