Putting the Romance Back Into Your Marriage

Maybe you've been married 25 years. Maybe, like me, you celebrated your tenth anniversary not so long ago. Or perhaps you just want to keep your marriage on track now, so you aren't stuck 20 years from now wondering where the romance went.

No matter what your particular marriage situation, it is possible to make it better by focusing on romance. (Please note: This does not apply to cases of abuse. If your marriage has become abusive, please seek help now.)

Everyone looks at romance differently. What sweeps you off your feet may have someone else bored to tears, or vice-versa. And that goes for you and your spouse, too.

Many people, in attempting to bring romance into their marriages, focus on doing things they feel are romantic. A husband might bring his wife roses because he's always heard that's a romantic thing to do, but she secretly loathes roses and wishes he'd offer to make dinner. A wife might give her husband a card with a loving note, but he was really hoping for a more hands-on demonstration of love. Whatever the case, couples often just miss the mark in their romantic gestures.

So what's a sure-fire way to avoid romance disappointments in your marriage? Communication. You talk about everything else (or should, anyway)--money, sex, kids, jobs, the house--so why clam up when it comes to romance? Perhaps it's because we believe we should just know what our spouse is thinking, what he or she wants. But there's no other subject in marriage where we think we should read each other's minds. Romance is no different.

Talk to your spouse. Ask what he or she considers romantic. You might be surprised to hear what your spouse has been wishing you would say or give or do. Tell your spouse what romance means to you. If it's a surprise limo ride to a starlit picnic on the shores of a nearby lake, don't be afraid to say so. And if romance for you is simply a daily affirmation of love or the offer of taking the kids for the afternoon so you can get some "me" time, tell your spouse that, too.

Romance, like everything else in marriage, requires your best effort. You can't bring your A-game if you don't know the rules. And you only learn the rules of romance--the ones that apply to your marriage--by sitting down with your spouse and listening. Romance leads to more romance, and soon you'll both be enjoying your marriage more than ever.

Once you've found out just what your spouse considers romantic, there's only one thing left to do: do it! That's pretty simplistic advice, though, so let's talk about creative ways to bring romance to your marriage. (All the ideas below assume you'll arrange a babysitter, if needed.)

Say your spouse likes to be told "I love you" and hear heartfelt compliments. Don't just recite the words each day (that'll get old fast). Find new ways of telling your wife she's beautiful or telling your husband he's a wonderful father. For instance (if those are the particular compliments you want to give), try a scavenger hunt around the house or bedroom; each new clue reveals another word in the compliment ("you're," then "a," the "wonderful," then "father," etc.). Too low-tech? Try posting your wife's photo on your Facebook page, and make the caption something like, "Still the most beautiful girl in the world." Still not right? How about writing down your compliment, putting it in an envelope, and slipping it into the day's mail?

Maybe romance for your spouse is shared time, shared hobbies, shared experiences. Then for goodness' sake, carve out some time in your schedule and go spend that time together. Is he an avid hiker or backpacker? Surprise him with a short evening hike on a trail you've always wanted to explore. Or wake him up early--pre-dawn--and "kidnap" him to the top of the nearest hill to watch the sunrise.

Does romance mean shared laughter for your spouse? Get tickets to a comedy club. If you don't have a comedy club nearby, find out who's playing at your town's local bars and clubs; occasionally their featured performers are comedians. Afterwards, stop for dessert or coffee (Mexican coffee is often one of our date-night treats) and keep the laughter flowing. Or how about a dancing lesson? If neither of you knows how to tango or salsa or foxtrot, you'll have plenty of goof-ups to keep you laughing. And all that physical contact is a definite bonus.

If your spouse is the kind for whom romance equals quality time in the bedroom (or wherever you enjoy, ahem . . . quality time, go all out. No matter how long your day has been, light candles, put on romantic music, slip into something sexy, and get your head out of all the day's problems and responsibilities--and onto your spouse and your shared pleasure. If your spouse can't really relax and get in the mood for romance if there's cleaning to be done, send her out for a day all to herself while you scrub the house from top to bottom.

Please don't think of romance as a one-time gesture. Begin to think about how you can create romance for your spouse on a daily basis. Out of necessity that will usually mean small demonstrations of love, and that's all right. Repeated over time, they'll add up to big romance for both of you.

Do a lot of these ideas require you to put forth some serious effort or take some time to plan and pull off? Sure. But your spouse, your marriage, and the ongoing romance you're creating are all absolutely worth it.

I believe wholeheartedly in marriage. I know women are often the ones who feel the romance dwindling in their relationships long before their husbands notice anything is amiss. And, again--I've been there.

A year ago, the founders of The Romance Place found themselves celebrating their tenth anniversary--and fighting more than ever. We were both unhappy and resentful. Fortunately, we're both stubborn and absolutely committed to our marriage.

We sat down and started communicating more openly and honestly than we had in years. We both started working on the things we needed to improve in ourselves--attitudes, habits and behaviors--and began consciously working on bringing romance back into our relationship. And we prayed for the health of our marriage, even though there were times neither of us felt much like saving it.

This month we celebrated our 11th anniversary, and everything--everything--is different. Better. We're both more content, more vibrant, more attracted to each other and more loving and sensual. The spark is back, and our trip to the brink of disaster shook us up enough to keep us focused on loving each other better.

The Romance Place (and, by extension, this Squidoo lens) is the result of that process of growth. We want to help other couples get out of that rut and begin seeing each other as they did when they first fell in love--only better, thanks to the years and life experiences they've now shared.

I appreciate the time you've taken to visit my first Squidoo lens, and I hope you'll find just what you need here and at The Romance Place. Please feel free to leave questions, ideas and feedback in the guestbook below.

Again, thank you for visiting my "Romance in Marriage" Squidoo lens. May you know the blessing of a strong, committed, romantic marriage!