How to Say No and Both Win

Have you ever said Yes when you should have said No?

Are any of these situations familiar?

You often work overtime and you are not properly paid for it. Yet again your boss asks you to work over the weekend. You know your performance review is coming up shortly. You agree without a murmur even though it's the weekend you and your wife have planned to get away. You feel very bad about agreeing and worry about how your wife will take it.

A very important customer asks (really demands) that you deliver ahead of a pre-agreed schedule. You know this means a probable drop in quality. You agree with a smile but inside you are angry and afraid that there will something wrong with the final product. Your job may even be on the line because you did not say No.

You belong to a Sports Club. The Annual General Meeting of the Club is coming up. A friend on the committee phones you and asks you to come onto the committee for the coming year. Your heart sinks because you know how busy you are at work and at home. You agree and almost at once feel almost ill.

This list could go on for pages - perhaps forever!

The problem in all these situations is that you did not say NO.

You said Yes and afterwards almost felt ill about it.

That's the bottom line, isn't it?

You even felt bad about yourself and wanted to "kick yourself" for being weak.

But why didn't you say No?

You probably were frightened.

You were frightened you would alienate your boss or that he would think less of you if you refused to work over the weekend and overlook you for promotion.

You were frightened you would lose the important customer if you refused to agree to the unreasonable new delivery date.

You were frightened that the friend on the committee might decide you were not prepared to put something back into the Club.

See often the word "frightened " comes up.

But why are you frightened?

The answer is almost certainly that you do not say No because you do not know how to say No.
According to William Ury in The Power of a Positive No you are caught between "exercising your power and tending to your relationship".

Have you been in that uncomfortable position? I'll bet you have. We all have, if we are honest about it.

The good news is that in his book, William Ury teaches how to say No in a positive way.

You must do three things.

First, be upfront about your own interests.

Second, be clear about your NO.

Third, be clear about discussing a way forward that will result in win-win and a preserved good relationship.

If you take these three steps you will have a very good chance of preserving yourself respect, the respect of the other party and sorting out the situation on the basis of win-win.

The book goes into the process in detail.

It is full of interesting teaching stories.

Let's get back to the business in hand.

Are you often hurt because many times you say Yes when it is clearly in your interests to say No?

If you are, and let's be honest, a lot of us find ourselves in this uncomfortable position quite often, then I urge you to buy The Power of a Positive No.
It is not expensive.

I promise you it will be a great investment.

The book will teach you how to say No in a positive and constructive way that leaves relationships intact and preserves respect all round.

The book will probably change your life by making you much more skillful at protecting your and your family's interests in a fair, positive and constructive way.

Last point.

There are plenty of books on how to say No. Why buy The Power of a Positive No by William Ury?

Here is the short answer.

William Ury has spent the last thirty years working as a third party trying to resolve all sorts of conflicts including, family disputes, strikes, conflicts in corporations, and ethnic conflicts in the Middle East, Europe, Asia and Africa. He is Director and Co-Founder of the Global Negotiation Project, Program on Negotiation, Harvard Law School. Twenty five years ago with Roger Fisher he co-authored Getting to Yes: Negotiating Agreement Without Giving In, which taught how to reach an agreement that is beneficial to both parties.Getting to Yes: Negotiating Agreement Without Giving In became a best seller and remains one today.

Enough said about William Ury? I think so!

Order The Power of a Positive No here.

You will find the book very helpful and interesting.

All the best.

Has something like this ever happened to you?

You are having trouble with the brakes of your car. A garage replaces the brakes and you collect the car. As soon as you drive the car you know there is a problem - the new brakes squeak.

You take the car back to the garage only to be told "That's normal for new brakes. The squeak will soon go away".

When you tell the garage that you are still not satisfied the garage gives you some high powered technical explanation basically aimed at convincing you that you don't have a clue what you are talking about.

What do you do? Especially if a queasy feeling in your stomach warns you that you may be in the process of being shafted.

What is your next step?

How about this strategy?

Step One

Decide what you want and write it down. In this case: "I do not want squeaky brakes".

Step Two

Say to the garage: "I hear what you say about new brakes but I do not want squeaky brakes".

(The mechanic then refers you to the workshop manager who gives you the same run around about new brakes being squeaky.)

Step Three

You repeat, this time to the workshop manager: "I do not want squeaky brakes".

Steps Four, Five and more if needed

The garage will try different excuses e.g." It's probably a small piece of grit that will soon disappear".

No matter what excuse the garage comes up with, you keep repeating:"I do not want squeaky brakes".

You will eventually reach the stage when the garage will be so exasperated that they will give in and do what is necessary to make sure that your new brakes do not squeak.

End of game.

Almost every time.

The name of this tactical maneuver is: "Broken Record".

Here is why this works.

One: You are very clear in your mind about your demand: "I do not want squeaky brakes".

Two: At no time do you vary, not even by one word, the wording of your demand. You stick to the same wording: "I do not want squeaky brakes". This makes your demand very clear and strong.

Three: This is very important. You do allow yourself to be diverted into a technical argument about why brakes squeak. It is critical that you do not let this happen because, unless you are an expert, you haven't got a hope of winning a technical argument with a garage. What you must do is continue repeating your demand: "I do not want squeaky brakes".

Four: You make use of the Street Savy rule that a garage only has about seven excuses in its back pocket. You use the "Broken Record" tactic to get all seven out in the open and you nail them by not getting technical and repeating your demand.

You will so exasperate the garage that it will give in do what you want.

Believe me I have seen it work in practice.

I used to practice law. A client came to see me once about a problem with an old car they had bought. It would have cost too much to have a formal court case, so I told the client about the "broken record" tactic and suggested she give it a try. It worked and she got her money back.

I cannot claim the credit for thinking up such a powerful tactic.

The "broken record" strategy is from the greatest book on being assertive and protecting legitimate rights that I have ever read:When I Say No, I Feel Guilty

When I Say No, I Feel Guilty was written by Manuel J Smith Ph.D a therapist in practice and assistant clinical professor of psychology at UCLA. His publishing and other achievements are very impresive. See the internet.

Of course, not all garages are like the one in the example.

The trouble is that now and again we find ourselves in a situation where we believe we are being shafted. We find ourselves in queasy stomach country. It's time to stop being nice and to force a fair outcome. It's time to apply When I Say No, I Feel Guilty.

Buy the book. You can get it here When I Say No, I Feel Guilty.

The book is not not expensive. You will find it a great investment and fun to read.

The book is not only about anti-shafting tactics. It is all about understanding what our basic rights are and how and why we are entitled to protect them.

When you read the book you will find out why it has sold over two million copies over about twenty years.

That's right: Over two million copies.

Delivery is fast: When I Say No, I Feel Guilty

Good luck