Scarlet Widow

In November 1995 I became a widow. I was 43 years old and my husband chose to take his own life in our garage. It was devastating to say the least. We had been High School Sweethearts and had started our 23rd year of marriage. He was the only man I had ever known in the biblical sense.

Upon hearing of my loss, a dear friend of mine, came to pay his respects. He arrived at my door with his arms out saying, "What can I do to help you and the girls?" "Just be my friend, Terry," I replied.

You see we had known each other since we started the first grade together. We went through twelve years of school together and were always friends. He could always make me laugh and he seemed to have this uncanny sense of knowing when I needed someone to talk to. Terry had just seemed to always be there. We never dated each other in high school, but we went to some of the same parties and shared a lot of the same friends. Our paths parted after high school but occasionally we would run into each other.

And there he was at my door wanting to console me. As the days passed he would call me and tell me jokes and make me forget my pain. He would show up on a Saturday afternoon and invite me to lunch or to just get out of the house and take a ride. He offered a shoulder when I needed to just cry. He listened as I expressed my anger at Jeff for what he had done to the girls and I. He would bring me chocolate covered cherries because he actually remembered that I loved them when we were in school. He was my relief from the stress of widowhood and motherhood. He was a Blessing.

As the weeks turned into months, we both began to realize that these visits and phone calls had gone beyond just being two friends. We realized that what had started as a friend consoling another had turned into dating and a real romance had begun.

I loved spending time with Terry. He made me feel whole again. He helped me find the "real" Bev who I had buried very deeply inside. I kept her hidden to protect her from the verbal abuse and ugliness in my first marriage. I wasn't sure it would last. Terry had stayed single since his divorce almost eleven years before that. I figured he would never marry again. I certainly didn't think I ever wanted to go down that aisle again.

Our friendship deepened and our love grew over the next couple of years and one night he surprised me with a romantic dinner, a ring, and a proposal.

We had a quiet little wedding with his two sons and my two daughters in attendance. Our married life has been so wonderful. He is so sweet and treats me like a Queen. Showering me with so much love and attention. Encouraging me to follow my passion for antiques and for writing.

I believe he was sent to me. I believe that he was supposed to come to me and show me what real love is like. I believe that our souls were destined to be together but we both had to live some tough life lessons before we could share our lives together.

A few years ago I was listening to a Priest on a Catholic television show talk about the commandments. He got to the one "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery" and his explanation almost stopped my heart! Whoa, wait a minute that sounds like he just said that I'm committing adultery! That can't be right. So I looked up some verses in the Bible. Oh my, this doesn't look good. But it can't be right! So I make an appointment to see my Priest to get some clarification because this just could not be!

How could a marriage to a man that is so very holy, so very happy, and so very blessed be considered condemnable by my church? Because Terry had divorced, some 11 years before that we were living in sin! How could this mean that I couldn't take Communion anymore? A sacrament that I deem so sacred could not be given to me again unless I went through the tribunal and got Terry's first marriage annulled. I can't receive any of the sacraments until I let a group of humans decide my eternal fate. Not God, mind you, but a tribunal of humans.

They might as well have slapped a Scarlet Letter on my chest and banned me from church forever. That is how it feels. I feel turned away and shunned by legalism.

Voluntary sexual relations between a married man and someone other than his wife or between a married woman and someone other than her husband.

I certainly don't fit this definition.

Deuteronomy 22:22 defines adultery as lying with a woman married to a husband. Adultery is an unfaithful act committed against a marriage partner. One of the Ten Commandments is "Do not commit adultery". From God's perspective, adultery is a work of the flesh and it is as bad as committing heresies and even murder. God considers adultery and infidelity in marriage as an unrighteous act. Adultery starts in a person's heart and is a willful act no matter who is the tempter and who is tempted.

-from Access Jesus

When Jesus was questioned by the Pharisees about divorce he said, "And I say to you, whoever divorces his wife, except for immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery." That seems pretty cut and dry and seems to condemn my marriage to Terry.

Here is where I feel the legalism takes hold. Jesus made that statement while he was walking on earth as a human before his crucifixion. Didn't everything change once he died on that cross and was resurrected? Didn't that remove all sin and as long as we believe in Him and ask for forgiveness of our sins we are forgiven?

I might be able to accept being a Scarlet Widow easier if it was presented that it was strictly Biblical and it was unforgivable and that's it, kid, you are condemned!

That is not the case though. I was told that we could take this to a tribunal (a group of humans) who would look over the case and decide if an annulment of Terry's first marriage could be done. If they (the humans) could prove certain criteria (their criteria) then they would say that Terry was never married and we could then be married in the church and all is forgiven. And of course there would be some money that would need to be paid. I'm sorry that doesn't sound right. It would be humans deciding my eternal fate instead of God and I don't think that is the way it is supposed to work.

While Jesus was on earth he forgave adulterers and prostitutes. "Let he who has not sinned cast the first stone". Why would I believe that He would never forgive me for something that I didn't even know I was committing? Why would I accept that a group of humans decide my fate and not the God that I've worshiped all my life?

I feel the church turned me away but I don't for one minute think that God has.

I was raised in the Methodist doctrine. My grandmother took me to church every Sunday and I attended Vacation Bible School every summer. I was like a little sponge taking it all in and comprehending the stories from the Bible at a very early age. My faith was very real and very deep.

While in Junior High School (now called Middle School) I went to church camp for a week. On the last night of camp my group was supposed to fix our dinner at the campfire, do some bible study, and return to our cabins to prepare to go home the next day. As we gathered around the campfire to pray, I heard the most beautiful song. It sounded like it was coming from across the lake where the high school kids were. It sounded so Angelic, so beautiful and it wasn't a song that I had ever heard before. I turned to the girl next to me and said, "Isn't that the most beautiful song you ever heard?" Of course she shushed me, we were supposed to be praying! After the prayer, I asked her again if she heard that beautiful song. She made fun of me and told all of the kids that I was crazy.

We cleaned up the campsite and started to walk back through the woods to our cabins. I heard the song again! I looked up and there stood the most beautiful woman I've ever seen. I knew she wasn't real. I sensed she was someone holy. She didn't look like what I thought an Angel would look like. She didn't have wings. She was dressed in a long white gown with a long blue veil over her head and she had the most loving face. Her arms were stretched out to me, she smiled so sweetly. I was changed that night, I didn't know why or for what reason but I knew I had been in the presence of something spiritual.

When I tried to tell the story when I got home the adults all very quickly ordered me to not repeat it ever again. I was told my imagination was just a little too active and I was only trying to get attention.

I wanted to learn more about my faith. I had this constant feeling of a presence with me. In High School Sunday School class I actually paid attention and asked questions because I wanted to learn. My Sunday School teacher finally said to me one day that she was tired of my questions and why didn't I just go back in the back and talk with my friends about the basketball game the night before. I was crushed! I refused to go to church for many years.

A few decades later a neighbor invited me to go to her son's Baptism. She took me to a brand new Catholic church in our area and was showing me around before Mass began. We walked into this little vestibule and there she was! The beautiful lady I had seen in the woods! The exact same woman, the Holy Mother Mary. I got goose-bumps and gasped. During Mass that morning they sang a song and I wept. It was the song in the woods! The Great Amen. The next week I began the year long classes to convert to Catholicism. I was Baptized, received my first Communion, and accepted into the Church the following April.

I don't think any of this was a coincidence. In a different manner I have been turned away from two different forms of organized religions.

For as long as I can remember I have felt this presence within me and around me. I choose to call this spirit God. This spirit of God is loving, it guides me, it has carried me when I couldn't walk on my own, it has fixed me when I was broken.

I do believe that this spirit came to earth to experience life as a human. I believe he was Jesus and I believe he was sacrificed for your sins.

I am, however; pretty down on organized religions. I think most have got a lot of things right and many things wrong. I think most have become too legalistic and have forgotten the real teachings of Jesus.

I've actually grown in my Spirituality. I'm more open to the holiness that surrounds me. The beauty of creation around the entire earth. The miracles that go unnoticed. I've become more in tune with nature and the beliefs of the Native Americans whose stories are so very similar to Christianity. The names are different but the message is very much the same.

Do I believe that I'm living in sin and am condemned for eternity? No, I do not. I believe that God has always been with me and He has directed me to seek answers to try to live a good and fruitful life. I believe he sent Mary to me twice in my lifetime as a message and each time I was guided to another place for new information. I believe we spend our lives in a spiritual school, each of us growing at our own level. I don't believe He would give me these gifts, these blessings, only to condemn me on my day of judgment.

Copyright: May 31, 2009 by BevsPaper (Beverly Owens)