Search Engine Secrets Revealed

In Ima's first revelation, she confirms that the Toolbar Page Rank that works everyone up into a frenzy is only a snapshot of complex internal calculations that fluctuate (Groogle engineers kiddingly use the word "flatulate" instead) every day. The reason NOBODY can guess how they arrive at a page's PR value is simple. After "complex internal calculations" are done, the resulting 4-figure value of each web page is divided by a denominator. This denominator is determined during the quarterly meeting of engineers where 2 volunteers are selected to play a game of "Paper, Scissors and Stone". The winner gets to throw a dart at a dartboard and the points on that area are taken as the lucky denominator. The end result is rounded to the nearest whole number and represented by little green pixels that tell folks how "important" that page is. Ima says this is by far one of the most well kept Groogle's secret.

You've probably been told that repeating your keywords too many times in your title, description, content, alt tags etc would be considered spammy and wake up the Groogle Algorithm monster. Webmasters have constantly tried to figure out just how much is too much. Is a keyword density of 10% too much or is it 2.76584%. Well Ima tell us that there is NO fixed threshold. Here's how they decide.

Every Friday morning, Engineers at Groogleflex (headquarters of Groogle) meet to have a 10 minute crap shoot. Every engineer gets to shoot the dice once. Everyone's number is totalled and simplified into a single digit. Let's say for example the total comes up to 89. 8 plus 9 would equal 17. 1 plus 7 would equal 8. Thus, 8% would be the weekly keyword density threshold.

Years ago, the good folks at Groogle realized that their datacenters generated so much heat that it affected the global flow of Chi (energy flow in Feng Shui). Ima tells us that Groogle soon realized they could control the global flow of Chi by switching on or off or any combination of datacenters. The altered Chi flow would then cause an unexplainable screw-up in the SERPs of countries suddenly deprived of Chi. This is why we often hear reports about sites from certain countries suddenly tanking in the SERPs. Groogle engineers haven't been able to explain this phenomenon, but have nevertheless codenamed it "Groogle Strategic Territorial and Regional Information Neoplasmic Gateways" - or G.S.T.R.I.N.G for short. Knowing the huge impact, you may be asking why engineers would randomly shut down datacenters to alter the global Chi flow? According to Ima, the reason is simple - they just love the feeling of absolute power. It's also a great way to get back at countries that beat the USA in World Cup soccer matches AND they like messing with webmasters' brains.

At any one time, there are thousands of websites that experience a minus penalty where they drop anywhere from -10 to -100 places lower than where they are supposed to rank. Countless forums, chatrooms and experts have theorize why these penalties are triggered. Nobody knew until now. Unknown to the public - until now that is - this is a devilish method devised to confuse the SEO hacks who think they've got Groogle's random penalty figured out.

According to disgruntled ex-Groogle engineer Ima. K. Idder, this penalty is implemented purely at random to prevent webmasters from getting complacent. Ms. Idder reveals that every Saturday, the head engineer in the Content Reseach Algorithm Planner (C.R.A.P) unit would download the weekly horoscopes from the LA Daily News and cross reference it with their website owners database. The Groogle mainframe then outputs a score of 1 to 10 which determines who (webmaster) is supposed to have a good week and who is going to basically wade in dog poo all week. Once the the switch is flicked on, hey presto, webmasters all over the world suddenly find their sites either sitting pretty in the SERPS or swimming out in the Bermuda Triangle.

Have you ever wondered why bad things happen to your website(s) just after you run a red light, made an illegal turn or kicked your neighbor's cat? Ms. Idder makes a shocking revelation that Groogle sees whatever you do from the outer reaches of Earth's atmosphere.

Groogle has ingeniously integrated an in-house peeping-tom software (their engineers developed to spy on rivals Yooha!) to control the satelites that feed their Groogle maps service. With this software integration, Groogle can track webmasters globally. Whenever a webmaster does something naughty, their satelites pick up on it and relays the images to hundreds of mobile satellite signal receivers. This information is then fed to the Groogle mainframe where it registers a negative point in the webmaster's Groogle Universal Naughty Karma (G.U.N.K) score. When their G.U.N.K score passes the a pre-set level, their websites get dumped from the SERPs anywhere from 1 to 5 days.

You've heard about Groogle's Trust Rank? It's a number that acts like a secret sauce that determines how Groogle treats your site. Now, do you remember that Santa has a "naughty or nice" list - the list that tells him whether you you've been a good boy or girl the whole year? Is the connection becoming clear now?

"Now you've gone and crossed the line", you think. "You can't drag Santa into this conspiracy theory mess". But Groogle engineers like Ima. K. Idder know that Santa is a very, very big influence on how websites rank in the SERPs.

Groogle has a 24 hour connection to Santa's naughty-or-nice database. Every Christmas eve, after Santa has updated his database, Groogle downloads it. They then assign every website owner with a ranking from 1 to 10. You get a 10 if Santa says you've been a good boy or girl and zero if you've stunk all year. So how does this affect your website? Everyone who's been ranked 10 will experience relatively smooth sailing - no sudden SERP fluctuations, no penalties bla bla. And the ones who scored low to zero on Santa's list? They'll experience one whole year of SERP crap. Their website will jiggle up and down the SERPs like the contents of Pamela Anderson's bra for the next 364 glorious days. "So be nice" is Ima. K. Idder's advice to all webmasters.

Ima. K. Idder closes with these profound words of wisdom for all webmasters in the world who have wasted countless hours trying to de-mess-tify the algorithm of search engines :

Give UP! Don't waste your time! You ain't doing yourself no favors by going stark raving MAD trying to figure out search engine algorithms. They're messed up beyond repair. Gaming the system ain't gonna work ya know... Just write GOOD CONTENT and leave the screwing up to the professionals!