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Today is DR. PHIL McGRAW day... Dr. Phil says that I COULD be kidding myself and that I really really need to take a long hard look at how I'm thinking, how I'm processing information, and then decide whether or not I'm in denial.

....um... Dr. Phil? If I'm IN DENIAL, how would I KNOW that I'm in denial? I would, logically, deny that I'm in denial, assume that I'm thinking accurately and that evil people really ARE out to get me.

Dr. Phil then tells me that I need to THINK DIFFERENTLY. Alas, he does not tell me HOW to go about doing that. And my frustration with his "charming Texas accent" is growing by leaps and bounds.

So, okay, here's something that was ACTUALLY HELPFUL - Dr. Phil said to create a Timeline, placing the "good" things at the top and the "bad" things at the bottom. It was a fun project, which I'm STILL trying to complete and it gave me a very nice little overview of my life. I really suggest trying this exercise.

Of course, I'm in denial about most of my childhood, so I was at a bit of a loss about filling in anything good or bad for ages 5 through 16... I know I was there, because there are pictures. But who knows what I thought about the experience of growing up? Certainly not me!

So that's my other question for Dr. Phil - what if you really don't know if something was "good" or "bad"? And what if something was "bad" at the time, but resulted in making me available for something "good" that I wouldn't have been available for if I had gotten the other thing that I wanted, but didn't and therefore deemed the experience "bad." I mean, how do you know?

For example, I did NOT get a job with a crazy woman at CBS years ago when they were starting a cable channel - YEARS ago. And I wept at the missed opportunity for days. What had I done that I didn't get that job - woe is me! And about a month later, I WAS hired by MTM ( Mary Tyler Moore's company) - which led to working for St. Elsewhere, which led to being able to write for TV, which led to a 25-year career in television. So what part of NOT getting hired by the CBS Crazy Lady was bad?

....or am I in denial and I need to think differently?

I finished my last job in television - so far - in February and haven't gotten a paycheck since. I've worked for a year, sat for a year, worked for a year, sat, for a while now. Television writing sucks when you get past 40. At just that point in life, when you actually HAVE some life experience to write about, nobody wants to hear it. Fine. I'll write a book instead. At least if nobody wants to hear it, I'll feel more sophisticated with an unread book than with an unread spec pilot. And I'll write what I know - Books, programs, tapes, DVDs, Plans and Regimes all designed to Change My Life! Rescue my Relationship! Manage My Finances! In 8 Days! In 30 days! Lose My Belly and Declutter My Home!
I can't wait.
I realized that after about 20 years of reading and trying different self-help books, that none of them had really worked for me. Maybe what I needed wasn't just a little bodywork and a brake check. Maybe what I needed was a complete overhaul.
I decided to take a holistic approach - I was going to complete 14 Self-Help, Self-Improvement programs SIMULTANEOUSLY in 30 days. Kind of like chemo for my soul.
So I'm standing in my kitchen, drinking my fourth cup of coffee before I go shower for the day and wondering why my house is just a mess. I have a long list of fairly good excuses - excuses that other people have actually given me because they genuinely feel it's a legitimate reason: I work long, mentally exhausting hours; I decided long ago that my children wouldn't be counted on as the family slaves; and my personal favorite - I just do too many things.
I know the truth, however, which is that I am a failure as a human being, wife, mother, writer, equestrian, artist, sister, friend, student, board member and mentor. I suck. Oh, am I'm a perfectionist. But I let myself off the hook all the time. "It's good enough, stop, let it go." So, technically, I'm not only not perfect, but I'm even lousy at ATTEMPTING it!

What the Hell IS Wrong With Me?

I used to ask myself that question regularly. I don't anymore. Not because I've found the answer to what is wrong with me, but because I've stopped asking my brain to LOOK FOR that answer.
My brain was doing a very nice job of FINDING that answer. I was lazy, I was messy, I was disorganized, I was everythingbadthatyoucould possiblyimagine.
Now I ask my brain "What's interesting?" Not "what's interesting about ME" but simply "what's interesting." And my brain is doing a very nice job of finding THAT answer.

And I'm much happier with the search. Now, how did I ARRIVE at this conclusion and subtle redirection of my brain?

A wonderful book, titled "The Happiness Hypothetis," talks about "the rider and the elephant" in describing the human mind/brain. The mind is the Rider, the brain - the actual ORGAN - is the elephant. The Mind tells the Brain what to go about doing. And the brain generally goes about doing it. Although sometimes the elephant/brain has its own opinions about things. The elephant/brain is actually a pessimist, as it turns out. While the rider/mind is an optimist, generally.

My rider was sending my elephant happily off on a pessimist's journey - finding things that were wrong with me -- and my elephant was easily accomplishing the result - everything.

I have the books to prove it. And the therapy bills. And the videotape series by any of a number of experts. And the seminars and lectures and classes - all the trips and travels that my elephant went on in order to learn How MANY Things Were Wrong With Me.

So the answer you get depends upon the question you ask. Here are some of MY questions (from the past, thank you!)

Why am I so unorganized?
Why can't I keep my house clean?
Why can't I manage my finances better?
Why am I always overweight?
Why am I so lazy?
Why can't I focus?
Why don't I work harder?
Why can't I decorate my house like in the magazines?
Why don't I take better care of my husband?
Why do I always wait till the last minute?

What questions are YOU asking yourself?

I have lousy time-management skills; scandalous financial sensibilities and I procrastinate. I'm also a Leo with a desperate need for attention, abandonment issues and thin hair. None of these things work for me.

Because I believe that many of my behaviours and habits result from questionable self-esteem, depression and other chemical imbalances (in spite of the overwhelming evidence provided by Tom Cruise to the contrary), I've spent the last two years in talk therapy (thank you, Gloria) and on excellent drugs. I have managed to release some of my manic thoughts, but still.... my house is a mess, I forget to pay bills, I get anxious if I have to talk on the phone for too long...

I am an admitted self-help junkie; but one of my problems, which no self-help program has been able to cure, is that I lose interest and rarely finish things... like... self-help programs.

I believe this is the fault of the programs. The creators should realize that I am much like other students of their programs. We have lofty goals which far exceed our reach, we have big dreams and little time, champagne tastes on a beer budget... and we get bored if there aren't bright colors or shiny objects involved.

But I also know, like Hillary says, that "it takes a village." So I'm going to take the Collective Brillance of these Great Minds and allow them to work together to save me.

My plan is simple: I have turned to the world's experts - Dr. Phil McGraw, Anthony Robbins, Suze Orman, Pat Parelli, and a few others - to show me the way. I am going to complete fourteen self-help/self-study type programs... simultaneously... in a month... I'll admit to cheating a bit: I've started about ten of these programs already. Started and dwindled off, got busy, bored and quit altogether. But PERHAPS Hillary's "village" concept will change all that.

Hey, I actually STARTED! And upon listening to the first tape of Tony Robbins' time management program "Time of Your Life," I realize that Tony is going to make me work...

He's going to make me think and take action.

He's also just a little too excited...

I suppose I'd be excited too if I was in Fiji while I was typing this. I also suppose that if I had made the tape, in my normal slightly sleepy monotone, I would inspire my listeners to little more than drinking.

According to Tony, the reason my life isn't working is because I don't have Juice, I don't have Focus, and I don't have clearly defined Roles.

Tony tells me that the Power of Language will completely change my emotional state. Reframing would be what my therapist calls it, actually, so I've heard this before. How can I reframe "Clean my house! Please! I'm desperate!"? What words could possibly inspire me to vacuum? Okay, I'll play along; I'll try.

Tony is known as the Infomercial Genius - I get that; my husband and I call ourselves "Horse Geniuses" on the good days. My girlfriend declared herself a "Grrl Genius" and published two (no, FOUR) books, got her own TV show and starred in her own feature film because of it. Okay, fine. I'll suspend disbelief and enter Tony's cheerleader mode:

I'm a brilliantly talented writer!
I'm a fabulous, inspiring mother!
I'm a devoted, loving wife!
I'm a lousy housekeeper with obsessive-compulsive dis -- uh, wait, that's not good.
I'm a free spirited, NON-perfectionist who is undemanding about her surroundings and that's why my....
That's not good, either.
I'm a determined, tenacious homemaker?

WTF?

This is supposed to be "emotional juice"? This is going to inspire me to want to declutter and clean the house? See what I'm saying here? Tony is making me work.

Maybe I need a vision.

So what was the failure the first time I took this course? I did all the steps. I made roles, visions, wrote it all down. Purpose. Desired Outcome. Equalizing. That's where I fell off the wagon. I don't stick with things that don't amuse me. OR I was completely depressed and didn't know it... which is equally likely... So... we'll give Tony a second chance. I'll do the damn work...

(adjust mirror for better lighting)
I. Am. Fabulous.