Sexual Abuse Recovery

I drove down the street where I lived as a child
Found the old house with weeds growing wild
I parked in the driveway of rough gravel and stone
I remembered those childhood days of feeling alone.

The old front porch door had blown away
The back porch leaned in a half-hearted sway
I sat in the driveway without going inside
A part of my soul still wanted to hide

Bare windows looked back in dark, somber eyes
Empty and hollow they echoed my sighs
I wondered how much those eye-windows had seen
Had they witnessed the things that now seem like a dream?

The pretense we lived with, the truth undiscovered
The painful abuses by both father and mother
Do those walls still harbor my little girl sorrow
All those days when I prayed for a brighter tomorrow?

The squeaky old floor in the upstairs room
Tried so often to warn me of impending doom
Its squeak woke me from sleep as he came to my bed
The feelings that followed were all filled with dread

At times he peered through the windows, his voyeur-type deed
Those eyes of dark glass his will did impede
No place of safety, no place to belong
Without being violated by things that were wrong.

The house still is standing despite its neglect
We have that in common I've grown to suspect.
Its foundation has weakened as mine has grown strong
I found a safe place where I truly belong.

I saw an online article about a new pill that is being tested that is supposed to "erase" bad memories.

As a survivor of years of childhood sexual abuse and incest, it would seem that being able to take a pill and forget about all those horrific memories would be ideal. However, that is not the case, at least not for me.

First of all, my own mind pretty well took care of erasing the majority of those memories. Dissociation serves us well during our childhood and I remembered only fragments of various abuses. That did not, however, keep me from having PTSD and reacting to things in my present life that were similar or in some way reminded me of past abuse. Even though I did not remember specifically what happened to me, the triggering of the abuse was alive and well. Healing from this type of harm comes from "remembering" and forgiving. Without the willingness to recall what is needed, we cannot forgive our abusers. I still have not "remembered" everything that happened to me. Remembering the abuse does not in any way resemble remembering as if we recall something that happened to us only a few moments ago. The type of memory recall comes about in so many different ways that it does not remotely resemble "remembering".

Pills are not the answer to this kind of "working through" painful life events. We are not required to remember whole events that cause us pain and trauma. We work through the damaging part of the memories and that does not always require remembering the actual abusive incident. For instance, one of the memories I had was about my father abusing me in the kitchen. The painful part of that abuse was not what he did to me physically but the betrayal of trust surrounding the abuse. I thought he was proud of me for riding my bicycle so well and he called me inside because he wanted to give me a hug. He hugged me, but not in the way that a father should hug and love his daughter. The sting of that disappointment and betrayal was huge to a six-year-old. The sexual abuse that followed was dissociated and I still do not know exactly what he did.

Many people think that in order to recover from an abusive childhood, we must remember all the details of the horrible things that happened to us. That is just not true. In fact, so many of the sexual abuses are so similar in nature, that recalling only one incident will help us heal from a host of repeated episodes of similar abusive acts.

I can speak only to the recovery process of childhood sexual abuse, incest and rape. I cannot speak to those who suffered the crimes of the holocaust or to those who fought in wars in foreign lands. Perhaps remembering is the problem and being able to forget would be helpful to some. However, at the same time, if a pill erases what happened to us, doesn't that erase our history and change who we are? I am not what happened to me in my past, but sexual abuse is a part of my history and I do not wish to erase my story.

My name is Joy and I'm a survivor of childhood sexual abuse/incest. I began my own personal healing journey in 1997 and I've been speaking and writing about recovery ever since. It seems that once I found my voice, there was no stopping me!

The journey is a long one and it is very difficult and draining. That is why I created the blog "Healing Stream For Survivors" and why I chose to write for Associated Content.

I began writing mostly about recovery, but on Associated Content, I have many articles on other topics as well.

I've been married 39 years (to the same man!). We have two grown sons and one granddaughter. We also have a Siamese cat named "Baby". She is just adorable!

I am also an avid crocheter. When I'm not writing, I'm usually either cooking or crocheting!

Life is good and I owe it all to the working of God and His Holy Spirit within my life. He has truly made such a tremendous difference in my life! Most of my abuse recovery articles deal with how God led me through the pain, the anger, the sorrow and all that goes with recovery. I hope something I say will be of benefit to others who travel this recovery road behind me.

Bless You!
Joy

The Oak Tree and Me

Forgiveness Hammered Out

UNTHINKABLE

Four Key Things I've Learned About Recovery from Sexual Abuse/Incest

The Pain, The Power, The Punchline

Dealing with the Shame Associated with Sexual Abuse