I Wanna Be A Sexy Senior

• Love is wonderful at any age, but if your latest fling keeps getting mistaken for your daughter, she's too young for you. For that
  matter ladies, if he's still living at home with his parents - he's probably too young for you also.


• No Early Bird Specials on the first date


• No afternoon matinees on the first date. Spend the extra few dollars and
  take her to the show when there's a chance of there being more than 4 people in the theatre.


• Do not ask about the value of your date's pension plan on the first date.


• Refrain from displaying your Viagra bottle on your coffee table.


• Be sure to trim your ear and nose hair before each and every date.


• Do not discuss the number, type, and efficacy of your medications.


• Don't even think of "combing over" even one hair on your head.


• Never refer to your date as your "old lady" especially because at your age, she should actually be one.


• You may not date anyone who is younger than your children. Ever.

Have you ever wondered why some of your friends who are more senior than you seem to be more fit? Why the person down the street is older than you, yet looks 10-20 years younger? Why some people seem to stay fit and young no matter how 'old' they grow?

Recently the AHA (American Heart Association) and ACSM (American College of
Sports Medicine) amended the recommendations for seniors. After reviewing their guidelines, I've decided that my children and grandchildren don't exercise to this extent.

• Seniors should remain or begin regular physical activity.


• This activity level should be aerobic in nature and moderately intense for 30 minutes five times per week or vigorously intense for 20 minutes three times per week (moderate intensity is when you can notice an increase in breathing, vigorous is a level of exercise that causes a faster heart
  beat and more intense breathing). I'll try to
  remember this after collapsing on the floor


• You can combine aerobic exercise sessions to include both moderate and vigorous activity levels.


• In addition, seniors should include two days of resistance training targeting all major muscle groups (8-10 exercises), doing 10 to 15 repititions of each exercise.


• Seniors can exceed the recommended activity levels to achieve greater physical enhancement. Right - got that


• Stretching should be performed twice weekly for ten minutes to help stay flexible and maintain the range of motion in the joints.


• Seniors should perform activities that help maintain and improve balance to reduce the risk of falling.


• Seniors with a pre-existing health condition should perform exercises designed to help improve their condition.


• Seniors should have a plan to implement, sustain and progress their workouts gradually. If there is a pre-existing health condition, the plan should include working on improving the condition. Also, take into account your current fitness level when implementing a fitness plan.

By my calculations, these folks would like me exercising almost 4 hours per week. Doesn't sound like much does it?

I may be hoping to find some old geezer who'd like to chase me around the bedroom, but chances are he won't be as fit as these folks are advocating. If I'm as "fit as a fiddle" he probably won't catch me. Then where will I be?