Funniest Sheep Jokes Ever

Two guys are walking through the woods and come across this big deep hole.

"Wow...that looks deep."

"Sure does... toss a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is."

They pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait... no noise.

"Jeeez. That is REALLY deep... here.. throw one of these great big rocks down there. Those should make a noise."

They pick up a couple football-sized rocks and toss them into the hole and wait... and wait. Nothing.

They look at each other in amazement. One gets a determined look on his face and says, "Hey...over here in the weeds, there's a railroad tie. Help me carry it over here. When we toss THAT sucker in, it's GOTTA make some noise."

The two men drag the heavy tie over to the hole and heave it in. Not a sound comes from the hole.

Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a sheep appears, running like the wind. It rushes toward the two men, then right past them, running as fast as it's legs will carry it. Suddenly it leaps in the air and into the hole.

The two men are astonished with what they've just seen...

Then, out of the woods comes a farmer who spots the men and ambles over.

Hey... you two guys seen my sheep out here?

You bet we did! Craziest thing I ever seen! It came running like crazy and just jumped into this hole!

Nah, says the farmer, That couldn't have been MY sheep. My sheep was chained to a railroad tie.

A woman whose hair is blond decides she just can't take it anymore. She's tired of all the blond jokes: the advantages of being blond are vastly outweighed by having to listen to all the blond jokes. So one night she dyes her hair black. She goes into work the next day and doesn't hear a single blond joke. Okay, so her hair is black: she's too happy to care, because she thinks she'll never have to hear another blond joke in her life.

She drives home from work in a rural area and sees a sheep crossing the road. She slows to let it pass, and pretty soon is surrounded by a herd of sheep. After 20 minutes, they finally finish crossing the road. She slows to let it pass, and pretty soon is surrounded by a herd of sheep. After 20 minutes, they finally finish crossing the road, and the shepherd comes along and waves to her and thanks her for stopping to wait for the sheep.

"You sure have a lot of sheep there," she says. "I know, it's very difficult to keep track of them all," the shepherd says. "If I tell you how many sheep you have, would you give me one?" she asks. "Sure, if you guess correctly, I'll give you one," he agrees. "You have 227 sheep," says the woman.

The shepherd is suitably impressed, and tells her to go ahead and pick one out and take it with her. So she picks out a sheep and puts it in the back of her car. As she's preparing to leave, the shepherd knocks on her window. She rolls the window down and he says, "If I tell you what color your hair really is, can I have my dog back?"

A ventirloquist cowboy walked into town and saw a rancher sitting on his porch with his dog.

Cowboy: Hey, cool dog. Mind if I speak to him?

Rancher: This dog don't talk!

Cowboy: Hey dog, how's it going?

Dog: I'm Doing alright

Rancher: (Extreme look of shock)

Cowboy: Is this your owner? (pointing at rancher)

Dog: Yep.

Cowboy: How's he treat you?

Dog: Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the
lake once a week to play.

Rancher: (Look of disbelief)

Cowboy: Mind if I talk to your horse?

Rancher: Horses don't talk!

Cowboy: Hey horse, how's it going?

Horse: Not bad.

Rancher: (An even wilder look of shock)

Cowboy: Is this your owner? (pointing at rancher)

Horse: Yep.

Cowboy: How's he treat you?

Horse: Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down
often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements.

Rancher: (total look of amazement)

Cowboy: Mind if I talk to your SHEEP?

Rancher: (gesticulating wildly, and hardly able to talk)...... Them sheep ain't nothin but liars!

A cow and a sheep are standing in a field.

The sheep turns to the cow and says:
"So, what are we going to do today?"

The cow replies:
"AH, BLOODY HELL A TALKING SHEEP!"

A New Zealander buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and calls a vet for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.

The New Zealander doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will, instead, lay down and wallow in the grass when they are pregnant.

The Man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep. So, he loads the sheep into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the truck again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing around. One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the sheep and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the sheep. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the sheep are laying in the grass. "No," she says, "they're all in the truck and one of them's honking the horn."

There was this cowboy named Jake who got himself fired from his job at the ranch. He was out of work for a while, then started to get hungry. So he swallowed his pride, and went to the other ranch in those parts to ask for work--it was a sheep ranch. They hired him, of course, not too many cowboys wanted to herd sheep.

The first night he was there, the other cowboys there woke him up. "Get up, boy," they said. "It's time for your initiation!"

Initiation! But how bad could it be, he thought to himself. Afterall, they were a bunch of sheep tenders!

So they took him out back of the sheep-pen, and he saw all the other guys lined up waiting. "Go on," they said, "Boy, it's time you showed you were a REAL man!"

"Huh?" he said.

"That's right," they said, pointing at the sheep, "Show us you're a real man."

Oh, no, he thought, they couldn't possibly want him to...but then he really needed the job. So he squared his shoulders and went and picked out a sheep. He led it behind the shed. After a moment, the other were rewarded by the sounds of, "Baaaah BAAAAH..."

A couple of minutes later the cowboy came back out, buttoning his pants, to see the other guys all laughing at him.

Oh, great, he thought, now I've really been had. "So, what?" he said, "Was I not supposed to screw
the sheep?"

"That's not it," they laughed. "It's just that you picked out an ugly one."

Out in the middle of darkest Africa there was a White Missionary living with a tribe of black natives.

One day the big chief comes along and calls the Missionary into his hut, where he was sharpening his big axe. He explains to the white man that his daughter has just given birth to a white baby, and that since the missionary's the only white man for thousands of miles, the missionary will be the "main course" at dinner that night.

"Now just hang on a minute, give me a chance to explain, chief," says the Missionary. "You're jumping to conclusions here. Let me tell you a story. See all those white sheep out in the field and how there's one black one amongst them."

The Chief thinks for a moment. "OK!" says the Chief, "You say nothing, I say nothing."

An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand, walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog. He figures he'll have a little fun.
Ventriloquist: "G'day Mate! Good looking dog, mind if I speak to him?"
Villager: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie."
Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?"
Dog: "Doin' all right"
Villager: (look of extreme shock)
Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner?" (pointing at the villager)
Dog: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play."
Villager: (look of utter disbelief)
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Villager: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either....I think."
Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool"
Villager: (absolutely dumbfounded)
Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at the villager)
Horse: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."
Villager: (total look of amazement)
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Villager: "The sheep's a liar dont believe anything she says!"

A New Zealander, a sheep and a dog were survivors of a terrible shipwreck.

They found themselves stranded on a desert island and after being there for a while they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun go down.

One particular evening, the sky was red with beautiful soft clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle; a perfect night for romance.

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the New Zealander.

Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.

But the dog got jealous, growling fiercely until the New Zealander took his arm from around the sheep.

After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and lo, and behold, there was another shipwreck.

The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the New Zealander had ever seen.

She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her, and they slowly nursed her back to health.

When the young woman was well enough, they introduced her to their evening beach ritual.

It was another beautiful evening: red soft clouds, a warm and gentle breeze; perfect for a night of romance.

Pretty soon the New Zealander started to get 'those feelings' again.

He fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over to the young woman, cautiously, and whispered in her ear%u2026

'Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?'.

Here a funny anecdote that was submitted by a visitor to this site!

A fellow teacher at a school I taught at was giving the students a worksheet to work on.
He wrote worksheep on the board without realizing it. I still chuckle when I remember it.
He shared the room with me and I told my students I guess they were working some sheep.

Submitted by StephenC

A New Zealander went to visit his friend and was amazed to find him playing chess with his sheep.

He watched the game in astonishment for a while. "I can hardly believe my eyes!" he exclaimed. "That's the smartest sheep I've ever seen

"Nah, he's not so smart," the friend replied. "I've beaten him three games out of five."

1. Here is something to ponder..When a sheep gets caught in the rain. Do they shrink?


2. (Question) What do you call a sheep with no legs? (Answer) A cloud


3. (Question) What do you get when you cross a sheep with a kangaroo? (Answer) A woolly jumper


4. (Question) What do sheep like to play at casinos? (Answer) Woollette


5. (Question) What is a sheep's favorite painting? (Answer) The Mona Fleesa.


6. (Question) Why was the sheep arrested on the freeway? (Answer) For doing an illegal ewe-turn.


7. (Question) Where do sheep get their hair cut? (Answer) At a baa-baa shop.


8. (Question) When are sheep like ink? (Answer) When they are in a pen.


9. (Question) What is a sheep's favorite newspaper? (Answer) The Wool Street Journal


10. (Question) What is a sheep favorite Karate move? (Answer) A lamb chop.


11. (Question) What do you get if you cross a sheep with a porcupine? (Answer) An animal that knits its own sweaters.


12. (Question) What did one sheep say to the other sheep? (Answer) After ewe


13. (Question) What would you get if you crossed a goat and a sheep? (Answer) An animal that eats tin cans and gives back steel wool


14. (Question) What did the Cloned Sheep say to the other sheep? (Answer) I am ewe.

Just wanted to share some useless trivia (aka facts) about sheep.

1. A one-year old sheep is called a hogget


2. A two-year old sheep is called a two-tooth.


3. Sheep grow two teeth a year until they have eight.


4. If you see a sheep on its back, lend it a hand because a sheep can't get up from that position. If left on its back too long, it will eventually die.


5. President James Madison wore an inaugural jacket made from the wool of sheep raised on his Virginia farm.


6. There are About 900 different breeds of sheep


7. One pound of wool can make ten miles of yarn.


8. The small intestines from 11 sheep are needed to make 1 tennis racket.


9. Sheep have poor eyesight but an excellent sense of hearing.


10. Sheep only have lower teeth that press against an upper palette


11. Sheep make a bleating sound. A baby lamb can identify its mother by her bleat.


12. There are 150 yards (450 feet) of wool yarn in a baseball.


13. When Woodrow Wilson was President, the First Lady had sheep graze on the White House lawn to keep it neat and well trimmed.


14. Lamb is the lowest in cholesterol of all red meats.


15. Spinning wool into thread began about 5,000 years ago.


16. Ewes typically give birth to twins.


17. There are About 1 billion sheep on the planet


18. Sheep prefer running water when they drink


19. People started raising sheep over ten thousand years ago.

And that my friends is sheep facts finale.

Johnny, George, and Kenny were driving along in their pickup when they saw a sheep caught in the fence with its hind end up in the air.

Bert said, "I wish that was Sharon Stone."

George echoed, "I wish it was Demi Moore."

Little Kenny sighed, "I wish it was dark ...."

What is it with all these jokes about hillbillies and farm animals? Can a sheep really be man's best friend? Or is that all just a myth? Well, it seems to be a little of both. Read on and you will see what I mean. Everything I am about to tell you is completely true.

Read the complete stories at HillbillyCrackpot.com

The Lard Bucket Cowboy

Sheep Lover Bob