ch 4 - Shirker John Leprechaun - open content web fiction

When we arrived, the Faerie camp was buzzing like bees ready to swarm.

It appears we had sent too powerful a rumor starting delegation, or perhaps the news was too important. Julie and Achim had been centaur and chaun napped during the night. Giganticuss was demanding a one on one with Shirker John.

It was not clear if this was war, my club against his, or the start of negotiations.

I quickly prepared my battle gear, freshly burnished last night by eager pixies while the elders planned away. Whoever said that a battle plan is only good until the first sword is crossed was an optimist. We had not even arrived before our plans were in disarray.

One on one combat, leprechaun to giant, had not occurred in known memory. It was bound to be more difficult than our pitched battles. At least there would be no one to get in my way. Except a giant stomping around while I tried to reach his toes for a coup de grace. If he squashed me, maybe he would slip and fall. Ha, that would show him.

My best hope was to give him a cauliflower toe nail, with the now famous club, Toed Ya So.

To free Achim and Julie I would rush out to meet Big G as soon as he arrived, for now I had time to reflect. Perhaps a last time.

Giants don't deserve their reputation as stupid louts. Sure and they're louts, but they aren't any more stupid than the next imaginary creature. It's their schooling. there is not a lot of need for mountain trimming, the raising of gourmet stones for meals is a slow but low labor task, what to do with young giants and all that massive energy?

School and war.

Giants have boring parties. Ask giants questions and they will all give the same sorts of rote answers. They stay in school for their first century. Lots of degrees, plenty of homework, but not a lot of learning. They learn loyalty to the king, obedience to any authority, and play lots of games of war. It's good they don't have large families.

Every now and then a young giant comes down from the mountains and raises a ruckus. Being schooled by an uncle or something he has been taught to think for himself, it disrupts everything. Those that survive are responsible for almost all advances in giant culture. Kings hate them.

I've mentioned this to let you know about Gigaticuss, he's not one of the free thinking giants.

In the Leprechaun's corner, there's me. I'm the talk of the camp. Famous club, king's kid, known shirker. The betting was three sided. I'd die, I'd hurt Big G's toes enough he would call uncle, or I'd vanish just before the battle started. Two out of three were against me.

I had Joyeful Pegasus take the high sentry duty, and listened while Seth Unicorn reminded me that my best play was psychological. I had to think to win, Giganticuss just had to connect. Once.

Seth and I worked out an idea that just might work, based on the giant's weakness and my strength. Their blind obedience to authority against my balderdash.

Pegasus signals from high post, Big G is almost here. With Eliss on her back Joyeful sprints toward the Giants camp, hoping to find and free the two hostages while I am entertaining their captor.

Instead of waiting to meet Big G between the armies, to battle as champions, I rush towards the towering line of giants on the back of Seth Unicorn. Finding the biggest ugliest one is easy, I demand he take me to his boss. Not wanting to override anything authority might want, he does it. I repeat the demand, and move up the line of command.

Big G shows up, and there I am in his tent. I offer him a draft of his own mead, and suggest we talk before I unleash Told Ya So.

"That's a good idea." G thunders, "My daughter loves your two friends and wants to keep them as pets. This is getting so much more complicated than just taking swats at each other."

Seth suggests we can package a solution that makes us all look like winers, without giving up our principles.

Big G replies "I think I will step on you, then I can do whatever I want, I'm Master."

Time for me to raise the stakes. "Are you so willing then to give up being master?"

To which he loudly shrugs his shoulders and asks, "Huh?"

"As we speak my friends are being released by my accomplices. They are together gaining control of your scepter, crown, and throne - to relocate them to my pavilion. There I will sit upon my throne, raise my scepter, and accept my crown from the wizard Julie Centaur."

That brought a quick bellow from the lout. "Not if I crush you first!"

"Then it will be my eldest brother, Achim the Chef, who is made master over the giants. To any abilities I might have, he adds the best Bohemian Style Sauerkraut your giants will ever taste."

"You Chauns could never lift my scepter or mount my throne"

"It is but a simple spell that reduces leprechauns to the size of a shamrock so we can easily hide. It is a mere reversal of the spell to make me your size, able to rule as I wish. I will rule wisely, but I will be master."

"My kingdom is lost"

"Perhaps not , your vastness." responds Seth Unicorn, sensing a market to satisfy. "I believe Shirker John does not want to disrupt your kingdom's balance, but to advance its potential."

"Huh?"

"He is offering a win-win-win deal."

Big G sighs; "Let me hear it, then. A mighty Giant Master to deal with the Leprechaun's Anointed - this better be good."

With a grin, Seth Unicorn tossed the hot potato back to me.

I strive for authority to back my words. "You can stay master, and we will have an exchange to celebrate peace for long enough to throw a big part for Leprechauns and Giants. I will surrender the great club Toed-Ya-So to you to gift to whom you wish, with itself enlarged to giant size; in exchange for Queen Ellse The First's tea cozy. These will be our tokens of accord. You will allow student giants to self educate with parental or your permission."

"I don't like that last one, it is surrendering too much."

"Then wait a month and decree it on your own, separate from this affair. To keep Chauns from stealing your kingdom,your only hope is to have some creative giants advance your society. They will do it in a giantly fashion I or my brother could not."

"A choice between destruction and creativity - we must then release open creativity. I am master, I will decree it." Big G fumes, looking at me belligerently, "But leave Toed Ya So as it is, I'll use your leprechaun shillelagh as a tooth pick. Also, there will be no party, and no peace."

"All right then." I resignedly agree, "No combined party, battle is still scheduled for next Tuesday after lunch. Unfortunately I won't be able to make the battle, prior arrangements with a queen, don't cha know."

I added a bit of giantish politeness to close the deal. "I'll miss the convincer Toed Ya So, Its a staff with so many uses. I'll picture Toed Ya So hitting your teeth, that should satisfy."

"And I'll picture you with that elvish queen, in the bondage of out of season wedlock." Giganticuss waves at a giant butler, "Check my luggage, I'll bet that tea cozy has appeared on top of the stacks."

Big G's smile is not pleasant as he hands me the cozy, and Seth's laughter is a warning. I feel a bit of unease in my stomach, flashing light surrounds me ...

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