Don't Know What A Joke Is?
A joke is a short story or ironic depiction of a situation communicated with the intent of being humorous. These jokes will normally have a punchline that will end the sentence to make it humorous. A joke can also be a single phrase or statement that employs sarcasm. The word joke can also be used as a slang term for a person or thing which is not taken seriously by others in general. A practical joke or prank differs from a spoken one in that the major component of the humour is physical rather than verbal (for example placing salt in the sugar bowl).
Jokes are typically for the entertainment of friends and onlookers. The desired response is generally laughter; when this does not happen the joke is said to have "fallen flat".
Halloween Jokes
Q. Why didn't the skeleton dance at the party?A. He had no body to dance with.
Q. What happens when a ghost gets lost in the fog?
A. He is mist.
Q. Why do demons and ghouls hang out together?
A. Because demons are a ghouls best friend.
Q. Why should a skeleton drink 10 glasses of milk a day?
A. It's good for the bones.
Q. What is a Mummy's favorite type of music?
A. Wrap.
Q. Why did the game warden arrest the ghost?
A. Because he didn't have a haunting license.
Q. How do you mend a broken jack-o-lantern?
A. With a pumpkin patch.
Q. What does a pumpkin say after a big meal?
A. That was filling.
Q. What does a pumpkin say after dessert?
A. Good pie.
Q. What is the ratio of a pumpkin's circumference to its diameter?
A. Pumpkin Pi.
Q. Why do so many jack-o-lanterns have stupid smiles?
A. If all of your brains were carved out, you would have a stupid smile too.
Boo Who?: And Other Wicked Halloween Knock-Knock Jokes (Lift-the-Flap Knock-Knock Book)
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101 Spooky Halloween Jokes
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Holiday Ha-Ha's: Halloween Jokes & Riddles
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Giggle Fit: Hilarious Halloween Jokes
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Halloween Joke and Activity Book
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Weather Jokes...
Q. Are winter puns cold fashioned?A. Not at all. But they're snow joke.
Q. What did the psychologist say when his patient informed him that he slipped on the front step during freezing temperatures?
A. Icy.
Q. Have you heard about the avalanche warning?
A. It says avalanches are snow place to be.
Q. Why did she break up with the meteorologist?
A. It was a stormy relationship from the start.
Q. What did you think about your date with the snowman?
A. Chilly personality; really an absolute zero.
Q. What did the one tornado say to the other?
A. Let's twist again like we did last summer.
Q. Why did the woman go outdoors with her purse open?
A. Because she expected some change in the weather.
Q. What's the difference between weather and climate?
A. You can't weather a tree, but you can climate.
Q. What happens when it rains cats and dogs?
A. You have to be careful not to step in a poodle.
Q. What did the hurricane say to the other hurricane?
A. I have my eye on you.
The Big Book of Winter Fun: Puzzles Mazes, Jokes, and Games to Last the Entire Season
Amazon Price: $7.95 (as of 01/06/2010)
Big Book of Winter Fun: Puzzles, Mazes, Jokes, and Games to Last the Entire
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Spring Is In The Air...And So Are The Jokes!
Q. How can you tell if a show on gardening is any good?A. It grows on you.
Q. What kind of socks does a gardener wear?
A. Garden hose.
Q. If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?
A. Pilgrims.
Q. What do you call a country where the people drive only pink cars?
A. A pink carnation.
Q. How do gardeners learn?
A. Trowel and error.
Q. Do old gardeners ever die?
A. No. They just vegetate.
Q. Why is everyone so tired on April 1?
A. Because they've just finished a long, 31 day March!
Q. What season is it when you are on a trampoline?
A. Spring-time!
Q. When do monkeys fall from the sky?
A. During Ape-ril showers!
Q. Can February March?
A. No, but April May!
Q. What flowers grow on faces?
A. Tulips (Two-lips)!
Q. Why is the letter A like a flower?
A. Bee (B) comes after it!
Lip Smackin, Joke Crackin Cookbook for Kids
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The Lip-Smacking' Joke-Crackin' Cookbook for Kids
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Highlights for Children Fun with a Purpose April 1998 Vol. 53, No. 4, Issue No. 558
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Food Jokes...
Q. What is made from onions and baked beans?A. Tear gas
Q. When does a raisin go out with a prune?
A. When it can't find a date.
Q. Who does the hamburger go out with?
A. Patty
Q. What's better, a hot dog or a hamburger?
A. Definitely hamburgers. Hot dogs are the wurst.
Q. What did the mayonnaise say to the fridge?
A. Close the door. I'm dressing.
991/2 Food Jokes, Riddles, & Nonsense
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Lunchbox Laughs: A Book Of Food Jokes (Read-It! Joke Books)
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Chewy Chuckles: Deliciously Funny Jokes About Food (Read-It! Joke Books)
Amazon Price: $18.60 (as of 01/06/2010)
Belly Laughs Food Jokes and Riddles
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101 Fast Funny Food Jokes
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More Jokes...
Q. Why is wind power so popular?A. It has lots of fans.
Q. What does your car need for an all night trip?
A. Midnight oil.
Q. Did you hear about the woman who begged her husband to take her somewhere expensive on their anniversary?
A. He took her to the local gas station for a fill up.
Q. What do you call a silly old man?
A. A fossil fuel.
Q. What do you get when you jump on a live wire with both feet?
A. A pair of shocks.
Q. What do you get when you plant light bulbs?
A. Power plants.
Q. How do you charge a car battery?
A. With a credit card.
Q. Where do you put gas guzzlers?
A. In a fuel cell.
The Ozone-friendly Joke Book
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No joke: Leno's gone green; Tonight Show host's garage a model for the environment.(Autos - Articles): An article from: Winnipeg Free Press
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No More Pranks (Orca Soundings)
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Bloomin' Rainforests (Horrible Geography)
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Work is Hell
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Q. What are prehistoric monsters called when they sleep?A. Dinosnore!
Q. What is the fruitiest lesson?
A. History, because it's full of dates!
Q. What language do they speak in Cuba?
A. Cubic!
Q. How do you keep an imbecile happy all his life?
A. Tell him a joke when he's a baby.
Q. What illness did everyone on the Enterprise catch?
A. Chicken Spocks!
Q. What is a myth?
A. A female moth!
Q. What do cows do on the weekend?
A. They watch moovies!
Q. What do you call a deer with no eyes?
A. I have no I-deer!
Q. Why was the Energizer Bunny arrested?
A. He was charged with battery!
Q. Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
A. Because they have big fingers!
Q. What do you call a camel with three humps?
A. Humphreys!
Noah's Favorite Animal Jokes
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What a Hoot!: Over 150 Hilarious Animal Jokes (Sidesplitters)
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Pet Jokes That Will Make You Howl!
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Animal Quack-Ups: Foolish and Funny Jokes About Animals (Read-It! Joke Books)
Amazon Price: $18.60 (as of 01/06/2010)
The Giant Book of Animal Jokes: Beastly Humor for Grownups
Amazon Price: $19.95 (as of 01/06/2010)
Autumn leaves remind me of raising kids. First they turn on you. Next they fly away. And then you turn around, look out the window, and they're back.I got tired of looking at all of the leaves in my backyard. I decided to do something about it. I got up and closed the blinds.
One of the great things about Autumn is the ugly patches of dead grass get covered by ugly piles of dead leaves.
Autumn is a time of changing pools. We change from swimming pools to football pools.
Pretty soon, with all of the leaves falling, the only thing left hanging from the tree will be the football coach.
- You stop looking forward to your next birthday.
- You know all the answers, but nobody asks the questions.
- Your knees buckle and your belt won't.
- Dialing long distance wears you out.
- Everything hurts , and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work anyway.
- Your children begin to look middle-aged.
- You remember this week that last week was your wedding anniversary.
- You turn out the lights for economic reasons rather than romantic ones.
- The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bifocals.
- You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there.
How do you know when it's really, really hot?- Cows give evaporated milk
- Trees whistle for dogs
- Hot water comes out of both taps
- The best parking place is determined by shade, not distance
- You can make instant sun tea
- You eat chili peppers to cool off
- You realize that asphalt has a liquid state
- You notice your car overheats before you drive it
- Hot air balloons are too cool to rise
Have you ever heard the song, "Blowing in the Wind?" It's by Peter Pollen Mary.Q. What do humans and bees have in common?
A. Hives
Did you hear about the thief with bad allergies? His allergy shots were so expensive that he said he felt like he was robbing Peter to pay for pollen.
When the elderly woman was admitted to the hospital, she informed the admissions desk she was allergic to bananas. Allergies were routinely recorded on a wrist band to ensure no one feed the patient a drug or food that would cause an allergic reaction. That evening, a very irate gentleman came storming up to the admissions desk. "Alright," he exclaimed, "Who's the wisecracker who labeled my mother 'bananas?'"
Clean Jokes For Kids.....
777 GREAT CLEAN JOKES
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Good Clean Jokes to Drive Your Parents Crazy
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All-Time Awesome Collection of Good Clean Jokes for Kids
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Good Clean Knock-Knock Jokes for Kids
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Over the Top Clean Jokes for Kids
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And For The Adults...Some Not So Clean!
Dirty Jokes Every Man Should Know
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Rationale of the Dirty Joke: An Analysis of Sexual Humor
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The Facts of Life: and Other Dirty Jokes
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The Ultimate Dirty Joke Book
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Dirty Jokes and Beer: Stories of the Unrefined
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It Ain't No Joke...
Anyone Up For A Game Of Golf?
A priest, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.Engineer: "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"
Doctor: "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!"
Priest: "Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him."
Priest: "Say, George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
George: "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group was silent for a moment.
Priest: "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
Doctor: "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."
Engineer: "Why can't these guys play at night?"
500 All Time Funniest Golf Jokes, Stories & Fairway Wisdom
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A Round of Golf Jokes (Joke Book)
Amazon Price: $8.95 (as of 01/06/2010)
Golf's Greatest Practical Jokes: Everything You Need to Pull Pranks Like a Pro
Amazon Price: $11.21 (as of 01/06/2010)
Golf Quips, Quotes, and Jokes Diecut Calendar 2010
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Smile - You're On Candid Camera
Candid Camera: Greatest Moments
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Candid Camera: 5 Decades of Smiles
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The Real World You Never Saw - New Orleans
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The Best of Candid Camera: The Best of the 1990s
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Dare Devil Dreamgirls Caught in Public
Amazon Price: $17.99 (as of 01/06/2010)
GapingVoid Cartoons
Scare Tactics on YouTube
The first time I saw this show I couldn't stop laughing! Some really great pranks pulled on unsuspecting friends.
What a great show - guaranteed to make you laugh!!!!!
Tools For The Trade...
Surprise Hand Buzzer
Amazon Price: $3.20 (as of 01/05/2010)
Scientific Explorer's Make Your Own Disgusting Gags and Pranks
Amazon Price: $16.02 (as of 01/05/2010)
Gelling Joke
Amazon Price: $0.75 (as of 01/05/2010)
Exploding Toilet Seat
Amazon Price: $1.59 (as of 01/05/2010)
Dirty Face Soap
Amazon Price: $2.93 (as of 01/05/2010)
New Homer Simpson Quotes
by ChloeComfort
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