Signs of a Cheating Boyfriend

Every person has their own definition of what they consider 'cheating'. Even the dictionary definition of the word varies. One claims that it is the 'act of being sexually unfaithful' to a partner or spouse while another states that it is the act of 'violating accepted standards'. The problem is what is the standard?

Some people believe that in order for a partner to be cheating they must have engaged in some kind of physical contact with another person. This could be anything from dancing to sex. While others feel that emotional cheating is just as bad and in many cases can be even more devastating.

What is important is that both partners agree on what is and is not acceptable.

How do you define cheating?

• Kissing another person


• Holding hands


• Dancing to close


• Talking online


• Flirting


• Spending time with another person, outside of work


• Buying gifts


• Exchanging private e-mails


• Writing letters


• Phone sex


• Cyber sex


• Exchanging photos


• Developing a crush


• Sharing feelings


• Discussing their relationship


• Denying a relationship you are involved in

Maybe, cheating should be described as doing anything that your partner would consider as being hurtful, unacceptable or deceitful. Would your partner feel betrayed by your actions? Do you feel betrayed by theirs?

There is no right or wrong in how you define cheating as long as you discuss the issue with your partner. Problems in many relationships begin when two people do not agree on their definition of this topic. What may be acceptable to one person is an absolute taboo to the other. But even if you do not agree with the other person's definition of the topic, if you want to have a relationship with that person you have to respect their views. If either party is doing something that they know the other person would find unacceptable, then maybe that's what cheating is.

Communication is the key. Ensuring that both people involved in the relationship understands exactly what the other person expects. If you have not discussed the issue with your partner, in clear and concise terms it may be unfair to accuse them of being a cheater. And simply saying 'every knows that is cheating' is not really fair.

As with almost everything in today's world, values and morals are changing. That does not mean they are wrong. They are merely new or different. Technology has opened a whole new set of doors that previous generations did not even have to consider. More and more cultures and religions are integrating, and each one may have very different views on what is and is not acceptable. The important thing in any relationship is to let each other know what is and is not acceptable to each other.

• Changes in work schedule. Boy friend is either leaving early or coming home late.


• He is unavailable at times when he normally should be.


• Showering at odd times.


• He stops asking for your opinion and advice.


• Makes plans without consulting you.


• Spends less time with you.


• Goes out with the 'boys' more than he used to.


• Does not want you to use his cell phone.


• Deletes history of calls on his cell phone.


• Changes the way he dresses.


• Unexpectedly changes colognes.


• Starts asking about how faithful you are.


• Asks what you consider 'cheating'.


• Asks you to change the way you dress or your hair colour.


• The phone rings and he does not answer it.

You are fairly certain that your boyfriend is cheating on you, what do you do now?

Do not bother directly confronting your partner. Without proof you are only wasting air. Very few cheaters will simply confess out of guilt. Without any concrete evidence you have probably done more damage than good.

If he is not cheating, then you have really damaged your relationship. You have just indicated that you have no trust in your partner. You are now the one in the position of trying to repair the damage.

If they are cheating you have just alerted them to the fact that you are suspicious. In most cases a cheater will deny your accusations and provide you with a variety of excuses to explain their actions. You have also provided them with the opportunity of correcting or altering their behaviour.

Unfortunately not everyone can afford to hire outside help. But if you are really intent on discovering if your boyfriend is cheating there are many ways to find out the truth.

Start keeping a journal of your partner's activities. You should record, times, dates, places and any people he said were involved. The reason for keeping a journal is to ensure that you have an accurate log of when, where and with who your partner said they would be. You can then use your journal as a comparison to; car mileage, bank statements, phone bills, expenses etc.


Car mileage:

Take note of the odometer reading in your boyfriend's vehicle. Find out how far he has to travel between work and home. Barring any major traffic accidents most people will take the same route to work every day. Check for variances in the readings. If he has not claimed to have gone anywhere but work and home - make notes.

Low mileage can also be used to catch a cheater. For example, he claims to have gone to work but his odometer has not changed. Or he said that he had to go out of town but there has been no change or not enough.

You can also keep track of the time it takes your boyfriend to get to and from work. If they claim to be working late or that there was a major traffic jam write this down and compare it to other resources. Traffic jams are usually tracked by local radio or television stations. Check pay stubs for extra hours or overtime. Or speak to co-workers.


Bank Account:

Look for unexplained withdrawals.

Check date and times on ATM slips.

Also look at the location of the ATM.


Phone:

Cell phones can be an invaluable source of information. The date, time and length of calls show up on the bill. Check for any numbers that you do not recognise. Look for patterns in the calls. Most private calls will occur just after work before he gets home or on lunch breaks.

If you are getting a lot of wrong numbers or hang-ups trace the call, use *69 or call the operator. Find out if they are coming from the same place.

You can also try using the cellular phone network. This only works in the U.S. and if the phone is turned on. You can give them a cell phone number and by using GPS they can tell you almost exactly where that person is.


Computers:

Check your partner's browser history. See which sites they are going to. Get a key logger for your computer which will keep track of all the computer activities. Be aware that you can only install this kind of software on a computer that you own. It is illegal to install on anyone else's computer. Stealing passwords is a criminal offence.


Surveillance Equipment:

Be very careful in this area. You should speak with local authorities about what is and is not legal in your State or Province before installing any kind of surveillance equipment.


Credit Card Statements:

Look for unaccountable purchases; cosmetics, toiletries or jewellery.

Check for travel expenses.

Look for unexplained charges or companies that you do not recognise.


Surprise Tactics:

Show up at your boyfriend's work unexpectedly
If they are supposed to be somewhere, for example the gym, have a friend go and verify they are actually there.

Claim you are working late and then show up early.

Go home at lunch unexpectedly.

Check all receipts you find for date, time and location. Match these against the records in your handy notebook.

Be sure that you keep your notebook up to date and accurate. Most cheaters are caught because it is hard to keep all their lies covered. If you want to catch a cheater in a lie, you have to be 100% certain of the truth.

The most important thing to remember is that all people are different, and that trying to detect lies is not an exact science. What applies to one person may not apply to another. In most cases when you are trying to determine if someone is telling you the truth you have to have a model of their past behaviour when you know they were telling the truth to use as a base comparison. There are general things to look for but remember they do not work with everyone.

Body language:

• People who are lying will often touch their face, rub their eyes or chin


• Liars often want to keep a distance between them and the person they are lying to


• Liars will often put objects i.e., tables, or a book between themselves and the other person


• Liars often have jerky short movements


• A liar will often sit using closed body language; arms crossed and feet together


• Liars may sweat more because they are nervous


• A liar might swallow or gulp more often than usual


• Look for real smiles, a person telling the truth smiles using their whole face and eyes not just their mouth

Verbal signs:

• Liars will often change their pattern of speech.


• Longer pauses than normal in their speech, ummms and ahhhs often while they think up their stories


• They may give shorter answers; yes or no responses.


• Liars are often looking for quick ways to change the subject or other distractions


• They may go into long elaborate speeches


• They may answer questions with questions


• A liar will often rephrase the question as an answer

Eye contact:

• People used to say that a liar will not look you in the eye, unfortunately so many people know about this that it is no longer reliable


• Blinking more often than is normal


• Be aware that the theory of looking to the right or to the left when lying is affected by whether or not the person is right or left handed

These methods are not fool proof; do not judge a person solely on this kind of behaviour. Rather use these observations as tools for detecting differences in a person's normal behaviour. Before you go accusing your partner of lying make sure you have concrete evidence not just suspicions. After all if these things were 100% there would not be a criminal left on the street

85% of girls who think they are being cheated on ARE RIGHT.

86% of all men flirt regularly with the opposite sex

80% of men believe that it is acceptable to talk to the opposite sex

75% of males believe that it is alright to visit adult websites

57% of men have flirted in cyberspace

75% of all men say that they have had sex with a co-worker

37% of all men admit to cheating

46% of the male population does not consider affairs online as cheating

The younger the boyfriend the greater the risk of cheating

Ask the question and every person you talk to will have a slightly different response. Some people will immediately tell you to move on; others will want to know more details. How long have you been together? Is this the first time? What exactly did he do? Was it a physical or an emotional affair? Was it a case of flirting or a two year hidden relationship? Was it a one night stand or an online chat?

But in the end it all comes down to you.

First, you need to accept your own feelings. You may feel betrayed, angry, depressed and maybe even a little guilty. Remember you are not at fault for his behaviour. You are not the one who did the wrong thing.

Contemplate whether or not you truly believe that you can forgive him for what he has done. Can you move on?

Honestly ask yourself whether your assessment of him is fair? Did the two of you ever sit down and discuss what was and was not acceptable behaviour? Did you ever look at the possibility that he may not have thought he was doing anything wrong? Different people define cheating differently.

Talk to your boyfriend. Be sure to let him know exactly how and why you feel betrayed. You may want to hear his side of the story. Keep in mind that by listening to him you are not forgiving him. That choice is yours to make.

Take a real honest look at what he has said. Be objective. Don't be swayed by unreal futuristic promises. And don't be bullied. Don't allow him to persuade you that his actions were a direct re-action to something you did or did not do. Remember you are not to blame. He had other choices, especially if he valued the relationship.

If you had a disagreement over the definition of cheating do you believe that he will respect you enough not to repeat the behaviour that you found hurtful. Was his apology sincere? Or, did he spend his time making excuses and trying to shift the blame to you? Are you both looking at the relationship in the same way? Do you have the same goals in mind?

You should also stand back and take a hard look at how much the relationship means to you? Why are you in the relationship? Is it worth more time?

There are certain things to keep in mind if you do decide to forgive the other person, remember:

• You are not saying that you agree with what they did


• You are not accepting what they did


• You are not weak


• You will have to remember that in forgiving, you can't bring up the incident every time you argue.


• You will never forget

Whether or not you decide to stay in the relationship, do not carry negative feelings out of it. Accept your feelings and give yourself time to heal. You are worth it.