Signs of a Cheating Spouse

The number of divorces is on the rise and the most common reason for divorce is infidelity. Why? Why do so many people cheat when they are in a committed relationship? Experts have even gone so far as to say that it is human nature to seek more than one partner. Humans like most species of animals are not biologically programmed to maintain a monogamous relationship. But then why do some people cheat and others remain faithful?

There are some very common reasons given by people who have committed adultery as to why they did it.

On the top of the list is the un-met needs group. These people claim that their spouse was just not meeting their needs. This could be emotional, sexual or a lack of connection. Examples might be, the woman who feels that her husband is not listening to her and does not pay enough attention to her. The husband who says, he is not getting his sexual needs fulfilled or the wife that feels he wants to watch sports when she wants to go to the movies.

Some people claim to have had an affair because they wanted to find out if they have missed out on something. People who go into a relationship with little or no sexual experience sometimes find later in life that they are wondering what else is out there. And they want to try something new.

People often use the 'fantasy' as an excuse as to why they cheated. These "opportunists" would not normally commit adultery but the situation comes up where a fantasy can come true and they decide to take it. Examples might be the stranger in the elevator or the deliveryman.

And then again, there is always the revenge motive. People use adultery as a way of getting back at a partner. They want to lash out and hurt their spouse, often in retaliation for their spouse having cheated.

As people get older they start to feel as though they might be losing their sex appeal. This often occurs as a phase of the mid life crisis syndrome. An individual in attempt to prove to other people and ultimately themselves that they are still attractive may cheat on their partner. This individual is not looking for a meaningful relationship but may engage in several one night stands or flings.

People who are married for a long time often feel as though their relationship and their life has become stagnant. They feel trapped and unable to change things. To get out of their rut, they decide to try something new hoping this will change things in their life.

Some cheaters claim that they wanted to find out if there was some else out there who could make them feel happier and more fulfilled. Rather than ending the relationship at a greater risk they decide to take the 'smaller' risk and look around and explore new relationships, while still keeping the old relationship as back-up.

And some people feel that it is normal or that they are entitled to cheat. Either due to their up-bringing or their culture they feel no remorse about what they do. They feel it is within their rights or it is expected and justified.

Whatever the reason, most cases of cheating end the same way. With one person feeling betrayed and hurt and one person feeling guilty and ashamed. And both of them in divorce court.

85% of all wives who think that their spouse is cheating are RIGHT.

33% of divorces are cause by infidelity

52% of married man claim that they did not know about their wife's affair

70% of woman claimed that they did not know that their husband was cheating

14% of married woman claim to have engaged in extra-marital activities

22% of married men claim to have engaged in extra-marital activities

2 years was the average length of the affair

60% of married people will have an affair

40% of all married woman will at some point have an affair

• Pay checks do not have the right amount of overtime.


• Works extra long hours, and does not talk to you about it.


• Sudden changes in the amount of times you have sex. Either a big increase or a decrease.


• They leave without an explanation


• Friends suddenly seem awkward around you.


• Partner unexpectedly wants to join a gym or some other club. And spends a lot of time there.


• They change their appearance. Shows more care and interest than normal.


• Erases phone messages.


• Talks softly on the phone and hangs up when you enter the room.


• Erases history of calls on the phone.


• Someone keeps calling and hanging up when you answer.


• Shows a sudden interest in new sexual positions or techniques.


• Has unexplained marks on their body.


• Puts a password on their computer.


• They hide credit card bills and bank statements.

The first thing to realise is that you are not immune. It could happen to you. And although if you are the victim of an affair it is not your fault, maybe you should have paid more attention to the signs. Most people in a committed relationship will attempt to improve things at home before they risk an affair. People who are happy in a relationship have a far less chance of straying than a person who is not.

Many cases of cheating stem from the old 'I wasn't having my needs met' syndrome. As part of a committed relationship you should always try to look for signs that might indicate your spouse is not happy or that there is a problem. This does not mean asking 'how do you feel' everyday. This means that if you notice your spouse is losing interest in the bedroom try and find out the cause. Maybe they need a break from the kids: they need time to take a bubble bath and relax or watch a football game without interruptions.

If your spouse is feeling neglected or that they are being taken for granted they may stop talking or they might ask to do something with you. So, do something! Go to the movie even though the baseball game is on. Put on a sexy night gown even though you've had a long day. Spend more time with them. They are asking, it is up to you to respond. If they continue to feel rejected they may look elsewhere.

One of the most common excuses for having an affair is that the person no longer feels that they are sexy or desirable. Be sure to always make your spouse feel attractive and sexy. Those few extra pounds are not a big deal if you really love some one. Make certain that you always treat your spouse as the number one person in your life.

Another big excuse of cheaters is the old 'they are not listening to me'. Everyone could brush up on their listening skills. This does not mean you have to agree or accept what your partner is saying. What it means is that you take the time to listen (without distractions) and try to understand and sympathise with what your partner is saying. If you are not listening your partner may look for someone who will.

In most cases of adultery the victim will claim that if they had looked they would have either seen it coming or would have realized sooner that it was happening if they had known what to look for. It is important to understand why most people cheat in order to prevent it from happening to you. All relationships change with time, but if you put in the time and effort these changes may be for the better.

There is no point in confronting your partner before you have concrete proof. If your spouse is lying and cheating what would make you believe that by confronting them without evidence they are going to confess? Most people who lie are going to continue to deny and make up excuses unless they are presented by something they can not possibly deny. And if they are not actually cheating, you are now the person who is in the position of trying to repair the relationship. Be sure of your facts before you make any accusations.

Journal records: Begin by making notes on when and where your spouse says they are going to be. Record what time they leave for work and what time they get home. Keep track of the number of hours that they work. Take notes on how often they go to the gym or any where else. It is important to have a written record of these things so that you are certain of your facts when you are crossing checking information. When approaching your spouse it also provides concrete proof of your observations. You do not want to doubt yourself, or have your spouse alter their version of the facts.

ATM slip: Check all slips that you can and take notes on the date, time, amount of the withdrawal and where the machine was located. Be sure that your spouses information matches these statements. Should they have been at work at the time of the withdrawal? Did they say they were at their health club and the ATM machine that they used is on the other side of town?

Receipts: Check dates, time, place and the amount spent. Be sure these facts coincide with anything that your spouse says. ie: They went to buy shampoo and the receipt says $100?

Cell phones: When the bill comes in look at all the calls and take note of the numbers. Also be sure to look at the times and of the lengths of the calls. Do you recognise all the numbers? Are there regular calls coming in when your spouse is on their lunch break or late at night? Check for any numbers that come up as unlisted or as unknown. Take note of how often and when these calls came in. A new feature on most cell phones is the GPS service. You can have the service trace exactly where some is by using their cell phone provided that it is on and that you live in the USA.

Car mileage: Be sure that you know how far it is to your spouses place of work. Check for unusually high mileage that can not be explained. If your spouse's place of work is 10 mile away and there is 80 miles on the car and they claimed they had only been to the office you certainly might question that. On the other hand, there is not enough miles put on the car. Your spouse claims that they were at work and yet there is not one extra mile on the car.

Key loggers: This is a type of software that you install which keeps track of everything that happens on your computer. Be careful though because you may only legally install this kind of software on a computer that you own. Stealing or using somebody else's password is illegal.

The Computer: Check the browser history. Which sites is your spouse visiting? Are they deleting the history? Do you have their password or are they keeping it a secret? Do they want privacy while they are online? Do you have access to their files? And their E-mails? Have they set up new e-mail accounts? These are all things to check.

Pay Checks: Look at each one carefully. Do the number of hours add up to the same amount as what you have recorded? Does any overtime show up?

Bank and Credit Card Statements: Be sure and note that all activity in the account has been explained. Look for unusual withdrawals. Are there unexplained charges on your card? Look for the names of the companies. Do you recognise them? Dates, times, and the location of purchases should also be noted.

Surveillance Equipment: This is a tricky area, you should contact local authorities and find out exactly what is and is not legal. Laws vary from State to State and you do not want to find yourself on the wrong end of a law suit.

Of all these things the most important one is record keeping. Be certain that you have accurate dates, times and places. Know your facts and have your evidence ready before you make any accusations. And most importantly, be sure that you are actually ready to find out the truth.

You discover that your spouse is chatting online to other people. Is this cheating? There has been no physical contact.

The first thing to do is to examine your own comfort level. What is it that bothers you?? Not what bothers others but what is it that is making you uncomfortable? Ask yourself these questions:
Have things changed between you and your partner?
Has your sex life changed?

Do you feel you are being ignored? Do you feel neglected?

Did your spouse tell you about the relationship or did you accidentally find out?

Are you worried about them meeting in person?

Do you feel betrayed because they are talking about intimate things?

Once you have discovered what it is that upsets you, talk to your spouse and discuss your feelings. None of these feelings are right and none of them are wrong. In any relationship there has to be mutual respect.

If you are concerned by the amount of time your spouse is on the computer maybe you should look at ways you could spend more time together. Plan things you can do and make time for each other. Set a date night.

Are you concerned about the fact that your partner is hiding something from you? Maybe this should clue you in that you and your partner need to spend time together talking and discussing things. If your partner is feeling the need to talk to others then maybe you should look at why they feel this way.

And if you are concerned that this relationship is going to go beyond the friendship stage then you definitely need to work things out; perhaps even consider talking to a professional. If there is that kind of a trust issue then you need to deal with this before things get out of control.

On the other hand, maybe your spouse is just 'talking'. They might not even realise that what they are doing is upsetting you. Communication is the key. You and your partner need to sit down and talk about what is and is not acceptable to the other person. You may not even agree with each other's point of view but if you both want the relationship to succeed you have to learn to compromise and accept how the other person feels.

Remember everyone has their own definition of cheating. Is it really fair to assume that your spouse knows how you feel and believes the same things that you do if you have never talked about it?