Funny Christmas Music and Poems

The restroom door said Gentlemen
So I just walked inside
I took two steps and realized
I'd been taken for a ride
I heard high voices turned and found
The place was occupied
By two nuns, three old ladies, and a nurse
What could be worse?
Than two nuns, three old ladies and a nurse.
The restroom door said Gentlemen
It must have been a gag
As soon as I walked in there I ran into some old hag
She sprayed me with a can of mace
And snapped me with her bag.
I could tell this just wouldn't be my day
What can I say?
It just wasn't turning out to be my day.
The restroom door said Gentlemen
And I would like to find
The crummy little creep who had the nerve to switch the sign
Cause I've got two black eyes
And one high heel up my behind
Now I can't sit with comfort and joy
Boy, oh, boy
No, I'll never sit with comfort and joy.

Doorbell rings, I'm not list'nin',
From my mouth, drool is glist'nin',
I'm happy -- although
My boss let me go --
Happily addicted to the Web.

All night long, I sit clicking,
Unaware time is ticking,
There's beard on my cheek,
Same clothes for a week,
Happily addicted to the Web!
Friends come by; they shake me, Saying, "Yo, man!
Don't you know tonight's the senior prom?"

With a listless shrug, I mutter "No, man;
I just discovered laugh-a-lot-dot-com!"

I don't phone, don't send faxes,
Don't go out, don't pay taxes,
Who cares if someday, they drag me away?
I'm happily addicted to the Web
I'm happily addicted to the Web!
Happ-ily, ad-dict-ed to the Web!!!

National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation (Special Edition)

A Christmas Story (Full-Screen Edition)

Elf (Infinifilm Edition)

Oh you better not shout,
You better not cry,
You better not pout,
I'm tellin' you why;

Daddy's home and I think he's drunk.

He's walkin' real slow,
He slurs when he speaks,
I don't even think
He's shaved in two weeks,

Daddy's home and boy is he drunk.

He spent most of our money
On Johnny Walker Black
And then he took all of the rest
And lost it at the track.

Sooo.... You better not pout,
You better not cry,
I don't like that look in his eye,
Daddy's home and I think he's...
Daddy's home and boy is he...

Daddy's home and he's really drunk!

YULESVILLE
by CatWeasel
'Twas the night before Christmas and all thru the pad,
Not a hep cat was swinging - and that's nowhere, dad,
The stove was hung up in that stocking routine,
Like, maybe the fat man would soon make the scene.
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YUPPIE CHRISTMAS
by Keith Blanchard
'Twas the night before Christmas, and all thru' the condo,
Not a creature was stirring whose car had known Bondo.
The Gucci's were hung by the chimney with care
In hopes that the neighbors would notice them there.
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STARTREK NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS
by Kevin J. Tupps
'Twas the night before Christmas when all through the Enterprise
Not a life form was stirring, of any known size.
The phasers were hung by the transporters with care
In hopes that no Borg ship would ever come there.
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SANTA'S PISSED
by Irishmist
Twas the night before Christmas
old Santa was pissed,
He cussd out the elves
and threw down his list
More...