Si'mybio

Information is scarce about Captain Mad Mick the Mad - but we know that under service of the Cornish King, Fred III (and a half) he was commissioned to discover the south-east passage of the Southern Ocean in 1770.
(This is not to be confused with the "back-passage" which he had a tendency to speak from occasionally!).

Whilst travelling in circles for several months - due to faulty navigation equipment, and generally making a nuisance of himself - he eventually came across James Cook, a fellow captain, who informed him that Fred III (and a half) was no longer king, and that his unrelated brother George III was now the sovereign.

Mad Mick was not too pleased, and after taking a break to relieve himself on some unchartered rock, later named Piddle Island, he set off sharpish to find a place of refuge.

After 47,500 days he finally made land.

He and his crew were long dead, but found clutched in Mad Mick's skeletal fist was a tattered leather bag containing a worn and faded shred of paper.

It was entitled "Mad Mick's Autobiography", but so distressed was the parchment that the only readable words were "Ma Mi bio".

So it was that this new island was named Mamibio, and as the years went by it eventually became the place we know today "Si'mybio".

A statue of Captain Mad Mick still stands today on the promontory, as a beacon of futile endeavour, failed navigation, total lack of direction and acute incontinence.

He is praised the world over!

The Crap Dynasty had ruled for over three hundred years when Crappus XI grasped the hand of Mad Mick.

As ordained by the Gods, the long held belief was that a strange craft from distant lands would appear on the shores, and the occupants would be bearers of profound change.

It couldn't have come too soon for Crappus. The Island's plumbing was disintegrating, the porcelain palaces were crumbling, the natives were restless, and the provision of poor quality potties were proving an inconvenient convenience.

Add to that a deficit in international trade, of which there was none, and the ruling elite were fearful of being overthrown. The Incontinence and Constipation Laws of 1710 and 1740, which were designed to plug the gap had not brought any relief, and the situation was desperate.The faded parchment held by Mad Mick was the solution. The king stood proud. Holding Mick's bony hand high in the air, he declared the new Islands of Mamibio, announcing to the thronged masses that from this day forward, they will be a beacon of hope, strength, fortitude and controlled bowel movements.

So it was, on 31st June, 1776 (according to Mad Mick's log), the new country of Mamibio was enshrined in law. The islands continue to uphold that fateful day religiously. Now known as The Day that Never Comes it is an event of the highest celebration, and is a highlight for the many tourists who seldom arrive.

Crappus and Fart'es had a veritable brood of offspring. The eldest son was named in honour of the Day That Never Comes - June 31st, and subsequently became Junior when he was 31 years old. Junior was a most popular monarch, and reigned as Crappus XII for 25 years after the death of his father in 1801.

Here he is pictured centre, with two of his siblings.

The young Crappus was extremely interested in history, and at some point around 1812 a message in a bottle had washed ashore on the southern headland - Mad Mick's Sound - with news of astonishing events.

Inside the battered vessel was an old newspaper of the London Times. Fortunately Mad Mick's legacy was that he had introduced the islanders to the English language - prior to that the locals spoke mainly Crapp, but even today, a lot of Crapp is intermingled with English. Indeed, much of this derivative language is very popularly spoken in the United Kingdom today. Quite how Mad Mick successfully set off the King's English is still a mystery. Especially as he was quite dead when he arrived.

Nevertheless, Junior knew enough to learn from the paper that just a few days after the birth of the National Holiday, some natives in a land far, far away had declared independence from the mighty George III - big ruler of Mad Mick's country.

Apparently, sometime before July 4th 1776, according to The Times, a bunch of dissenters rebelled because of some tea. He presumed that the tea must have been pretty bad, and vowed there and then that tea would be banned forthwith from Simybio. Of course, he didn't really know what tea was - but clearly it was something nasty which adversely affected the natives. Fearful that tea could reach his treasured land, he sent out a small mission to discover the origins of this unusual stuff. His emissaries were never seen again. Rumour has it that they went to India, and joined the British army. He'd heard of the British, and believed firmly that they became powerful because of their global dominance of tea.

He wrote a letter to the chief of the new independent nation - which is reproduced here:

To George Washington
Chief of USA

Dear George

I am the chief of Si'mybio, and I've just read about your trouble with the British. I don't like the sound of this tea business. Whoever heard of sticking a leaf in hot water and drinking it! My people aren't as daft as that.

I don't understand how all your people can be equal either - that's not cricket you know. I can't see how your country will achieve anything with that attitude.

Anyway good luck, and if you're ever passing, please bring some whisky. I hear that's very good.

By the way, have you got any public toilets in the USA? This is the measure of civilisation. I've built my empire on them. In fact my throne is a real big one.
One of my subjects thought we should rename them to "rest rooms". Have you ever heard of anything so ridiculous?

Regards,

Junior (Crappus XII. Absolute ruler of Si'mybio)

There is no record of the bottle ever arriving at the White House, but the term "rest rooms" clearly took off over there - so who knows, perhaps the congress saw it, and it's lying in the vaults of the national archive.

in an unprecedented move, King Fartes XXII has called for a new Parliament. The expenses scandal on bog rolls has led to a lack of confidence. Simybion's have felt a growing movement in their bowels which are causing considerable flatulance. They have lost confidence in their elected members, who have been claiming allowance on second toilets! Indeed, Richie Duckhead, the Minister for Gorgeous Birds, has even claimed for extra prunes, which is absolutely forbidden under the Constipation.

In fact, the Constipation..sorry, Constitution, clearly frowns upon any claims which may aid acute bowel movements. Only the King has that perogative. It is a major threat to his position.

The latest revelation revolves around Mr Pisser Prescott, who, although a minor official, actually claimed for two toilet seats! Calls are being made for the return of Mad Mick the Mad - but the king hasn't let on that he is long dead!

The museum is situated 200 yards from the Hotel Crappus, just opposite the Municipal Building and next to the Post Office.
(The Post Office has a range of bottles of different sizes, all charged at regular international postal rates. It also offers minature vessels for sending postcards.)

The museum is full of old relics - here are just a few....

Mad Mick
Encased in a vat of thermaldahide where he stares out with wisdom and astonishment, Captain Mad Mick's mortal remains are carefully preserved for all and sundry. Visitors have noticed the strong jaw and piercing eyes, and the total expression of bewilderment. (Some people have put it down to shock!)

Crappux XI Throne
This majestic throne, still in use today and used for emergencies, was the sacred seat of the mighty Crappus XI.
Upon it he would ponder the great affairs of state, sometimes seated for hours, depending on what he had for breakfast. His subjects knew when delivery had arrived, and the tremendous boom which resonated around the room was the signal that his heavy burdens for the day had been relieved.

The London Times
The original copy of the newspaper which informed Crappus XII of the Declaration of US Independence. Kept in a glass vacuum, and heavily guarded by invisible laser beams, it is second only to Mad Mick's Bio in national importance.

Mad Mick's Bio
The faded parchment which gave birth to a nation, entrusted to the people as the beacon of hope, strength, fortitude and controlled bowel movements, is the most treasured posession of the Islands of Simybio. Viewed by appointment only, this fantastic artefact must be seen to be believed. Visitors should not be dissappointed if they fail to make an appointment, as they can buy a copy in the souvenir shop for $US53.

*Admission to the museum is free, however if a call of nature is required, some coins will be needed, and donations are encouraged for the latest fund raising events.

*Visitors are also encouraged to call in to the gift shop on the ground floor (by the entrance and exit doors, and the big "shop" sign) to browse around and stock up with lots of goodies.

Sue Erres, the Senior Environment Pollution Control Officer has remarked recently that the old drainage systems, first built in the early 1800's, are now cracking up. It's estimated there are 50 miles of underground sewers under Simybio, all built to dispose of the amount of waste crapp.

This was a tremendous feat of engineering, so successful that the British were keen to develop the method. Cholera, some sort of desease, hit London in 1831, because the general belief was that as long as raw effluent was thrown out of the home, then the occupants would be safe. Of course, this didn't go down well with the majority of the population who had to trudge through it everyday.

The great empire, the most powerful in the world according to Mad Mick the Mad's teachings, still hadn't figured out that illness was caused by such uncivilised and unhygenic behaviour. Indeed, Mad Mick was astonished to see that Simybio had addressed this problem through their great scientific minds, and generations of Crapp endeavour.

As a result of the "Great Stink" of 1858, such was the overwhelming smell from London's Thames river, that the Houses of Parliament had to soak their curtains in chloride of lime just so the MP's could conduct affairs.

When Crappus XI heard about this he was most bemused. Often he would sit on his mighty throne with a chortle, and as he remarked to Farte's "Those British are very backward, they can't even have a good sh*te without creating a stink!" Words which are now well documented in the Simybion records of Anus Horribilis 1840 - 1869.

As luck would have it, Joseph Bazalgette, a man of great moustache, and naval heritage, chanced upon Simybio during his travels and was overwhelmed by what he saw. Subsequently he was appointed as the first Chief Engineer of London's Metropolitan Board of Works and created the great Victorian sewage system which still survives today.

He died on 15th March 1891, and the day is remembered in Simybio as Bazalgette Day. King Crappus erected a statue.

On this site Sewer systems for the mighty city of London originated. Where there was Crapp, so there is hope. Where there was disease, so there is cleanliness. Bring us your huddled masses, bring us your dispossesed. Hope and sound bowel movements first originated here.

Joseph Bazalgette - no statue exists in Britain for him, only a rather unstriking memorial. But here in Simybio he is honoured with great flatulance.

Dear Liz, Queen of Britland

You may recall my ancestor writing to that King George Washingstones of the USA two hundred years ago. It appears that your government has been influenced by tea as well. That Boston party was most unruly.

I don't like this tea business, but I think you should step in and put your foot down. You're the Queen after all!

Anyway, some blokes over there in your country are making a right pigs arse of my beloved Crapp language. My people are proud of their Crapp, and are disturbed to see it hijacked for political gain.

So come on Queen, stick your sceptre where the sun doesn't shine up some of your ministers and restore dignity to Crapp.

By the way, there's a bunch coming from your parliament here soon. I can tell you it will be a difficult task to remove the abusive Crapp they currently spout, but rest assured we will try to educate them on the finer points.

If your ever passing, don't forget the whisky.

Yours truly

Crappus XXXIII

Grand Ruler of Simybio and other bits nearby

PS Bring your prime minister as well - I hear he speaks great Crapp.

THE BLOG OF CRAPPUS - KING OF SIMYBIO

Never before has an eminent ruler allowed such access on the affairs of state. For the first time ever in the history of royal duties the king is exposing himself to the masses. Never before has the Royal Palace of Crapp allowed it's ministers and government to spout off.

Here, uncensored, are the thoughts, bowel moments and internal organs of goverments on display to the masses...never before has the king laid his wives bare. Never before have they been on display...He says "if MI6 can reveal who "M" is, then I can reveal my wives" - who are we to argue?

Anyway this is Queen Farte's (of Ten)

The SquidU moderator and former firefighter has recently visited Simybio. (Sadly she's rather protective of her photograph and permission to use it has been declined).

She heard that in order to distinguish between quality Crapp and substandard crapplish on the SquidU forums, it was necessary to seek out the true origins of the language.

So overwhelmed by the degree of crapp espoused, it was a wise move for her to seek expertise in the matter.

Indeed, any off-topic discussion is now encouraged to have a forum of it's own.

Simybion's are renown for their hospitality and tolerance, and welcomed her with open ablutions.

During the course of her visit she attended courses in "How to appreciate true Crapp", "Is Crapp a universal language", "What are the similarities between theoretical Crapp and dynamic practice", and "Crapp in the 21st Century - uses and abuses"

Professor Itsa Gasser, descendant of King Fartes XII and Principle of the Simybion Academy for Educational Excellence has awarded her with a seat in the nations top public convenience. This top gong will mean she can spend a penny anywhere absolutely free, and sit on the throne of her choice.

Kimberley has now left Simybio. She left this note in the guestbook...

"I was overwhelmed by the knowledge I received during my visit. I understand Crapp more than ever before and I'm very grateful to be included in the Grand Simybion bog Roll of Honour".

Such is her popularity, that the porcelain palaces are now adorned with her image.

Every time Simybions visit them, they cannot help but watch her smiling features as they ponder on their bowel movements.

High praise indeed!

Sarah is on a diplomatic mission to prepare her for future government. She thought Simybio was in the Bearing Sea, and was quite surprised that there aren't any Ruskis here. She's become an avid student, and is currently studying for a degree in Lavatorial Emplacement and Plumbing.

Jonathan's taking a three month sabbatical from the BBC and has decided to keep his head down. He heard about Si'mybio and considers it the ideal place to brush up his knowledge of Crapp. As there are no telephones, he feels that this is the ideal place for rest and rehab. He also does not wish to be associated with a certain Brand.

Update Wossa has now left Si'mybio and rejoined his shows at the beeb.

He left this message in the hotel guestbook:

Rarely have I experienced such an overwhelming degree of Crapp as that spoken on this beautiful island. I clearly see that I am just a novice in its usage. Now that I am leaving, I am filled with longing to return one day. My eyes and ears have been opened. I realise now that my crapp is nothing compared to the experts living here! I salute Si'mybio!"

The eminent founder of Squidoo is analyzing the potential of Si'mybio for relocation of Squid HQ.

He realises that the Crapp language may be very useful in the development of more lenses.

Also, the placement of arsets in the Crapp Bank of Si'mybio has useful advantages, as the islands major financial institution has successfully avoided the global credit crunch.

"Invest in Si'mybio - the best place to dump your deposits! Large and small!"

The Si'mybio hand of welcome is renown around the world, therefore it came as a great shock to learn that one of the most handsome, tolerant, fair, generous and all-round great leaders the world has ever known requested to visit Si'mybio.

Sadly that person couldn't make it, but as it happens another equally infamous person is seeking admission.



Yes it's that amazing conjurer and all-round spiffing chap - hero to the masses, grand agriculturalist, father of his people, the humane and lovable teddy bear, worshipped by all in fear of him - The great, the majestic, the icon of all he surveys..non other than old Bob Mug! Hooray, Cheers, Hooray!

The grapevine rumours are that he's seeking overseas retirement, hence his interest in Si'mybio.

There is a special throne set to one side - one of the finest toilets on the island, specially reserved to accommodate the biggest piece of crap in modern times.

Hot news! His application was unsuccessful and the Simybion authorities have rejected him.

Buy at AllPosters.com



Poster

Buy at AllPosters.com






Buy at AllPosters.com