Si'mybio

Happy New Year from Si'mybio

King Crappus and his hot wife Queen Fart'es (right) wish all their subjects a bilious 2012.

In his new year address the King proclaimed his relief that Si'mybio had survived some of the worst winds to visit the jewelled islands and in celebration he will increase the annual ration of baked beans, therefore allowing his people to express themselves with greater flatulence.

The King Crappus official address to the Nation

My Dear Minions.

It has been a difficult year, and we were faced with immense challenges. The economy slowed down and unfortunately cuts had to be made. Many of you had to tighten your belts, and I know how difficult this is when you need to loosen them.

But it was necessary to decree that frequent visits to the Si'mybion public toilets had to be restricted, and we all had to pull our pants up (and keep them up). And the women had to keep their skirts up (or down). Anyway, you know what I mean. Unfortunately my speech writer is a victim of the cuts too. But I digress. For many all this was distressing, and resulted in restricted freedom of bowel movements.

I feel your pain. But as your King I can assure you that I did not waiver. Not a day went by when I sat on the throne contemplating your distress, but rest assured (as I did) that as painful as it was, I managed to relieve myself sufficiently in order to concentrate on the affairs of state.

We had to close down many of our public lavatories with their reading matter, as well as reduce the opening hours of the Museum of Historical Arsefacts to three days a week.

We had to reduce the weekly waste disposal collection, and lay off many public employees, and sadly renegotiate pension contributions for the two which were left.

And of course we faced some difficult crisis. The summer riots is a case in point. Five Si'mybions were caught on CCTV rampaging in the street, overturning our bus, smashing the tourist shop window and stealing the postcards. It was shocking to see the police standing by watching, but our Home Office Minister Itsa Gasser has ensured that those 86 officers will have clearer powers in the future.

You will be delighted to learn that those rioters have been given the full force of punishment and will spend the next three weeks doing community service and clearing up the mess.

Then there was the phone hacking scandal which saw the closure of our oldest newspaper "The News of the Turd". Even Queen Fart'es was a victim, and the sad news is that we now have a shortage of suitable wiping material in the nation's ablutions.

But on a lighter note the marriage of our son was a great celebration. Crappus junior and his gorgeous bird lit up a dull month and the occasion was watched around the world by dozens.

2012 will be a time of great celebration too. I know you will have to be thrifty and watch your pennies, but I can assure you that what little money you have will be used extravagantly for two very important events. There is the Si'mybion Olympics which will showcase our little archipelago to a global audience (when we launch our multi-million dollar satellite), and it is my diamond jubilee to celebrate 60 years as your wonderful king.

The Queen and I will spare no expense to make you all grateful.

In a world of turmoil and acute constipation, in a world of political unrest and austerity, we in Si'mybio can hold our heads high and say we did not go to the IBS for help..oops sorry, I mean the IMF. No! We kept control of our bowels, even under threat of Montezuma's Revenge, and kept our pants held high.

Happy New Year you lucky people.

From His Royal Highness King Crappus XII and hot Queen Fart'es.

King Crappus has been informed by the CID (the Crapp Investigation Department) that his phone has been hacked by the "News of the Turd". A journalist was spying on his voicemail to the hot Simybion Minister of Tourism Lakshmi Byebye. The king is distressed and suffered a severe bowel movement. He has suspended all supplies of Senokot to the paper, and summoned the owner Rupert Turdock to the Parliamentary Committee on Constipation. "Nothing will pass" he said "until I get to the bottom of this!"

The News of the Turd is Simybio's oldest newspaper. It was founded by Mad Mick the Mad when he first set foot posthumously on the famous islands. The first edition is in the museum with the headline "Mad Mick Was My Monkey's Uncle!"

Mr Turdock was not available for comment, but it's anticipated that he will expose himself before the committee with his number two. Meanwhile the King is comforting his tearful wife Fart'es, who is said to be suffering from stomach cramps caused by all the stress. Rumour has it that her phone was also hacked, and in a strange twist, Itsa Gasser, the Principal of the Simybio Academy for Educational Excellence has suddenly gone on a sabbatical.

There has been no comment from Ms ByeBye, but being a prominent minister and currently out of the country testing Simybio's major export of hand-made automatic flushing toilets, she may not be aware of the seriousness of her position.

Sue Erres, the Minister for Environment, has said that the King will not push for the NotT to be closed down. "There is a shortage of reading matter in the toilets" she said "and the NotT has a valuable dual purpose."

However, as the "Symibion Standard" reports, events are moving fast, and the King has been caught short. The US ambassador indicated that his President OBuma may cancel his vacation to Simybio as the proverbial has it the fan.

"He's already up to his neck in crappiness" an anonomous source has suggested "and he doesn't need any more." Other sources indicate that the King of Britland the Mighty CamMan is sending his envoy, London Mayor "Big Boris" to assess the political fallout. The News of the Turd is phased not. "On Your Bike Boris!" is today's headline.

"To His Most Excellent Majesty King Crappus XIV, Great Ruler of Si'mybio (currently 14.40N & 173.12W).

Being appointed as the new Prime Minister and First Lord of the Treasury of Great Britain & Northern Ireland and Head of Her Majesty's Government, it gives me great pleasure to extend my warmest hand of friendship to you and your subjects.

Now that I am in 10 Downing Street I have embarked on a total refurbishment of the lavatories and ablutions. It occurred to me that the most frequented seat of government is none other than the toilet, and when I first planted my buttocks on my new one - a seat graced by some of the British Empire's finest posteriors incidentally - I was shocked to see that my predecessor Gordon Brown had placed his smiling face on the lid. I just couldn't feel comfortable with that, although it did ease the passage of my bowel movements every time I saw it. It was then that I thought of the greatest exponent of the art, none other than your eminent self.

You will be delighted to know that you have been nominated in my country's Honours List for 2011, and assuming approval by Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II (no probs) you will be awarded with an honorary knighthood for Services Above and Beyond the Call of Nature.

Being a former member of the Oxford University's Bullingham Club, I have a profound circle of crappy friends and an excellent knowledge of your language. I now count you as one of my fellows. I'm no. 2 in the photo. No. 8 is the Mayor of London. (Boris is expected to visit you very soon too. He's always good for a laugh!)

Your invitation for me to spend Christmas with you is the highlight of my tenure so far, however affairs of state prevent it as I have a very big country to run, especially as my deputy Nick Clegg (who's not in the pic because he went to Cambridge) has specifically requested annual leave over the period. Nevetheless I will be there in January and to be frank, I can't wait. (Actually I'm David, but you can call me Frank, because everyone calls me Dave, and I'm pissed off about it!)

So thanks and see you soon. I can't wait to sit on your famous throne (if you know what I mean).

In the meantime I wish you a Merry Crappus. (I mean Christmas, ho ho ho).

Best wishes

Dave (the man) Cameron.

PS Your Minister of Tourism is hot!

Information is scarce about Captain Mad Mick the Mad - but we know that under service of the Cornish King, Fred III (and a half) he was commissioned to discover the south-east passage of the Southern Ocean in 1770.
(This is not to be confused with the "back-passage" which he had a tendency to speak from occasionally!).

Whilst travelling in circles for several months - due to faulty navigation equipment, and generally making a nuisance of himself - he eventually came across James Cook, a fellow captain, who informed him that Fred III (and a half) was no longer king, and that his unrelated brother George III was now the sovereign.

Mad Mick was not too pleased, and after taking a break to relieve himself on some unchartered rock, later named Piddle Island, he set off sharpish to find a place of refuge.

After 47,500 days he finally made land.

He and his crew were long dead, but found clutched in Mad Mick's skeletal fist was a tattered leather bag containing a worn and faded shred of paper.

It was entitled "Mad Mick's Autobiography", but so distressed was the parchment that the only readable words were "Ma Mi bio".

So it was that this new island was named Mamibio, and as the years went by it eventually became the place we know today "Si'mybio".

A statue of Captain Mad Mick still stands today on the promontory, as a beacon of futile endeavour, failed navigation, total lack of direction and acute incontinence.

He is praised the world over!

The Crap Dynasty had ruled for over three hundred years when Crappus XI grasped the hand of Mad Mick.

As ordained by the Gods, the long held belief was that a strange craft from distant lands would appear on the shores, and the occupants would be bearers of profound change.

It couldn't have come too soon for Crappus. The Island's plumbing was disintegrating, the porcelain palaces were crumbling, the natives were restless, and the provision of poor quality potties were proving an inconvenient convenience.

Add to that a deficit in international trade, of which there was none, and the ruling elite were fearful of being overthrown. The Incontinence and Constipation Laws of 1710 and 1740, which were designed to plug the gap had not brought any relief, and the situation was desperate.The faded parchment held by Mad Mick was the solution. The king stood proud. Holding Mick's bony hand high in the air, he declared the new Islands of Mamibio, announcing to the thronged masses that from this day forward, they will be a beacon of hope, strength, fortitude and controlled bowel movements.

So it was, on 31st June, 1776 (according to Mad Mick's log), the new country of Mamibio was enshrined in law. The islands continue to uphold that fateful day religiously. Now known as The Day that Never Comes it is an event of the highest celebration, and is a highlight for the many tourists who seldom arrive.

Crappus and Fart'es had a veritable brood of offspring. The eldest son was named in honour of the Day That Never Comes - June 31st, and subsequently became Junior when he was 31 years old. Junior was a most popular monarch, and reigned as Crappus XII for 25 years after the death of his father in 1801.

Here he is pictured centre, with two of his siblings.

The young Crappus was extremely interested in history, and at some point around 1812 a message in a bottle had washed ashore on the southern headland - Mad Mick's Sound - with news of astonishing events.

Inside the battered vessel was an old newspaper of the London Times. Fortunately Mad Mick's legacy was that he had introduced the islanders to the English language - prior to that the locals spoke mainly Crapp, but even today, a lot of Crapp is intermingled with English. Indeed, much of this derivative language is very popularly spoken in the United Kingdom today. Quite how Mad Mick successfully set off the King's English is still a mystery. Especially as he was quite dead when he arrived.

Nevertheless, Junior knew enough to learn from the paper that just a few days after the birth of the National Holiday, some natives in a land far, far away had declared independence from the mighty George III - big ruler of Mad Mick's country.

Apparently, sometime before July 4th 1776, according to The Times, a bunch of dissenters rebelled because of some tea. He presumed that the tea must have been pretty bad, and vowed there and then that tea would be banned forthwith from Simybio. Of course, he didn't really know what tea was - but clearly it was something nasty which adversely affected the natives. Fearful that tea could reach his treasured land, he sent out a small mission to discover the origins of this unusual stuff. His emissaries were never seen again. Rumour has it that they went to India, and joined the British army. He'd heard of the British, and believed firmly that they became powerful because of their global dominance of tea.

He wrote a letter to the chief of the new independent nation - which is reproduced here:

To George Washington
Chief of USA

Dear George

I am the chief of Si'mybio, and I've just read about your trouble with the British. I don't like the sound of this tea business. Whoever heard of sticking a leaf in hot water and drinking it! My people aren't as daft as that.

I don't understand how all your people can be equal either - that's not cricket you know. I can't see how your country will achieve anything with that attitude.

Anyway good luck, and if you're ever passing, please bring some whisky. I hear that's very good.

By the way, have you got any public toilets in the USA? This is the measure of civilisation. I've built my empire on them. In fact my throne is a real big one.
One of my subjects thought we should rename them to "rest rooms". Have you ever heard of anything so ridiculous?

Regards,

Junior (Crappus XII. Absolute ruler of Si'mybio)

There is no record of the bottle ever arriving at the White House, but the term "rest rooms" clearly took off over there - so who knows, perhaps the congress saw it, and it's lying in the vaults of the national archive.

in an unprecedented move, King Fartes XXII has called for a new Parliament. The expenses scandal on bog rolls has led to a lack of confidence. Simybion's have felt a growing movement in their bowels which are causing considerable flatulance. They have lost confidence in their elected members, who have been claiming allowance on second toilets! Indeed, Richie Duckhead, the Minister for Gorgeous Birds, has even claimed for extra prunes, which is absolutely forbidden under the Constipation.

In fact, the Constipation..sorry, Constitution, clearly frowns upon any claims which may aid acute bowel movements. Only the King has that perogative. It is a major threat to his position.

The latest revelation revolves around Mr Pisser Prescott, who, although a minor official, actually claimed for two toilet seats! Calls are being made for the return of Mad Mick the Mad - but the king hasn't let on that he is long dead!

The museum is situated 200 yards from the Hotel Crappus, just opposite the Municipal Building and next to the Post Office.
(The Post Office has a range of bottles of different sizes, all charged at regular international postal rates. It also offers minature vessels for sending postcards.)

The museum is full of old relics - here are just a few....

Mad Mick
Encased in a vat of thermaldahide where he stares out with wisdom and astonishment, Captain Mad Mick's mortal remains are carefully preserved for all and sundry. Visitors have noticed the strong jaw and piercing eyes, and the total expression of bewilderment. (Some people have put it down to shock!)

Crappux XI Throne
This majestic throne, still in use today and used for emergencies, was the sacred seat of the mighty Crappus XI.
Upon it he would ponder the great affairs of state, sometimes seated for hours, depending on what he had for breakfast. His subjects knew when delivery had arrived, and the tremendous boom which resonated around the room was the signal that his heavy burdens for the day had been relieved.

The London Times
The original copy of the newspaper which informed Crappus XII of the Declaration of US Independence. Kept in a glass vacuum, and heavily guarded by invisible laser beams, it is second only to Mad Mick's Bio in national importance.

Mad Mick's Bio
The faded parchment which gave birth to a nation, entrusted to the people as the beacon of hope, strength, fortitude and controlled bowel movements, is the most treasured posession of the Islands of Simybio. Viewed by appointment only, this fantastic artefact must be seen to be believed. Visitors should not be dissappointed if they fail to make an appointment, as they can buy a copy in the souvenir shop for $US53.

*Admission to the museum is free, however if a call of nature is required, some coins will be needed, and donations are encouraged for the latest fund raising events.

*Visitors are also encouraged to call in to the gift shop on the ground floor (by the entrance and exit doors, and the big "shop" sign) to browse around and stock up with lots of goodies.

Sue Erres, the Senior Environment Pollution Control Officer has remarked recently that the old drainage systems, first built in the early 1800's, are now cracking up. It's estimated there are 50 miles of underground sewers under Simybio, all built to dispose of the amount of waste crapp.

This was a tremendous feat of engineering, so successful that the British were keen to develop the method. Cholera, some sort of desease, hit London in 1831, because the general belief was that as long as raw effluent was thrown out of the home, then the occupants would be safe. Of course, this didn't go down well with the majority of the population who had to trudge through it everyday.

The great empire, the most powerful in the world according to Mad Mick the Mad's teachings, still hadn't figured out that illness was caused by such uncivilised and unhygenic behaviour. Indeed, Mad Mick was astonished to see that Simybio had addressed this problem through their great scientific minds, and generations of Crapp endeavour.

As a result of the "Great Stink" of 1858, such was the overwhelming smell from London's Thames river, that the Houses of Parliament had to soak their curtains in chloride of lime just so the MP's could conduct affairs.

When Crappus XI heard about this he was most bemused. Often he would sit on his mighty throne with a chortle, and as he remarked to Farte's "Those British are very backward, they can't even have a good sh*te without creating a stink!" Words which are now well documented in the Simybion records of Anus Horribilis 1840 - 1869.

As luck would have it, Joseph Bazalgette, a man of great moustache, and naval heritage, chanced upon Simybio during his travels and was overwhelmed by what he saw. Subsequently he was appointed as the first Chief Engineer of London's Metropolitan Board of Works and created the great Victorian sewage system which still survives today.

He died on 15th March 1891, and the day is remembered in Simybio as Bazalgette Day. King Crappus erected a statue.

On this site Sewer systems for the mighty city of London originated. Where there was Crapp, so there is hope. Where there was disease, so there is cleanliness. Bring us your huddled masses, bring us your dispossesed. Hope and sound bowel movements first originated here.

Joseph Bazalgette - no statue exists in Britain for him, only a rather unstriking memorial. But here in Simybio he is honoured with great flatulance.

King Crappus has just read the autobiography of the former British Prime Minister Tony Blair. (Actually he just looked at the pictures).

The book, (My Journey, which refers to the difficulty of reaching Si'mybio and all the crapp to get there) with a personal inscription "Dear King Crappus, I hope you enjoy this riveting read and hope it will alleviate your constipation - TB. ps I've still got the royal suite yeah?", has been been given the Grand Si'mybion Honour of Great Crapp.

This rare award is only bestowed for outstanding works.

The purpose is to acknowledge the written word when it produces exceptional bowel movements.

In his speech King Crappus highlighted the remarkable contribution of the former PM of England and the other bits around London, and praises the book for relieving a period of constipation which has recently blighted both him and his subjects.

In a remarkable address, the King stated that he invoked the Act of Effluent Distribution of 1750. An historic law which permits Si'mybions to quote passages of literary worth when sat on revered porcelain. It eminates from Mad Mick the Mad's endeavours when he waxed lyrical up the back passage. That famous yet still undiscovered route to these wondrous islands which politicians the world over attempt to emulate.

"Here is a book which espouses the embodiment of Crapp" the King said "One of the great works of fiction which will take pride of place in the royal lavatory"

The people cheered for they knew that only the King would be able to endorse the use of such paper. It's hallowed parchments will be reserved for great bowel movements "And I look forward to the visit of Tony Blair" his majesty continued "when this highest honour will be given to him. It will be a day of great rejoicing, it will be the day when the author has the privilige of wiping his own posterior with his very own words".

This is a tremendous rare honour bestowed by our King. The people cheered. And as a final gesture, the used and extremely soiled book will be offered for sale on Amazon, with all proceeds going towards the Simybion Valley of the Bogs - the great resting place of all Crapp Kings.

Dear Liz, Queen of Britland

You may recall my ancestor writing to that King George Washingstones of the USA two hundred years ago. It appears that your government has been influenced by tea as well. That Boston party was most unruly.

I don't like this tea business, but I think you should step in and put your foot down. You're the Queen after all!

Anyway, some blokes over there in your country are making a right pigs arse of my beloved Crapp language. My people are proud of their Crapp, and are disturbed to see it hijacked for political gain.

So come on Queen, stick your sceptre where the sun doesn't shine up some of your ministers and restore dignity to Crapp.

By the way, there's a bunch coming from your parliament here soon. I can tell you it will be a difficult task to remove the abusive Crapp they currently spout, but rest assured we will try to educate them on the finer points.

If your ever passing, don't forget the whisky.

Yours truly

Crappus XXXIII

Grand Ruler of Simybio and other bits nearby

PS Bring your prime minister as well - I hear he speaks great Crapp.

January As the snow falls with imagination on the beautiful tropical islands of Si'mybio, Queen Fart'es looks longingly and wishes all her minions a bowel happy new year.

February As the imaginative snow fades away, and ice crystals melt from the great Simybion lavatories, images of warmer climbs are profound. In this picture (below) the natives visit the kazis with confused admiration. The lavvies are being renovated and this causes great amusement.

March Spring is sprung and the Simybion parliament wallows languidly as the upholstery is re-stuffed. This special occassion, to mark the advent of a new season is known as Feaster. It was at this time (according to Mad Mick the Mad) that the Great King George of Almighty Britland died and was resurected several times. His people praised the day when he returned as some guy called George II, III, IV, V and VI and continued to rule over the septic isle.

Previous revered incarnations to accomplish this was Henry I, II, III, IV, V, VI, VII and VIII, as well as Edward I, II, III, IV, V, VI, VII and VIII. This is most amusing to King Crappus, whose people have stuck with Crapp throughout and are now on number XXIII.

By the way, it's also the month when the Lambs jump around gaily. Mr and Mrs Lamb have been warned many times that they risk offending public decency by continuing such practice.

April This month is not well known in Simybio, but a picture of Simon Cowell, a most worshipped global person has been included.

As the King always likes to keep up with the times, he thought it would be a good idea to mention him. He believes that the X Factor is a reference to his great, great, great grandfather Crappus X who factored a lot at this time (According to his wife's annals, apparently!)

Simon sent this greeting card to the King, as he's hoping to get more crapp for his show.

May Very hot. The Chilli month. All food in Simybio is enriched with jalepeno and hot-bonnet chillies. This is the time that visitors arrive from Chile. Due to the special relationship between Simybio and that place somewhere South of Washingtonstone, USA. A picture of freezing Chilians is included in honour of those folk wearing strange woolly hats. (image pending as this section is complete rubbish and the author couldn't think of anything to write).

June The month when nothing happens. Simybions regard this month as "The Month When Nothing Happens" and spend their days just farting around. (See May).

July Holiday season. The schools break up, and families set off to colder climbs. They love to pack their winter woolies, and take pictures of themselves shivering on some antarctic beach. Regular flights are prominent between Simybio and Manchester, England, however Simybion Airlines are unable to take off as there is no runway as yet. Simybio is proud to have the safest airline in the world.

August Parliament doesn't sit (unless when extreme bowel movements occur), and the Nations home of government is open to the public for just a penny. This is a great opportunity for folk from far and wide to study the historic building - founded by Crappus and Fart'es, the forerunners of democratic debate. In the grand entrance hall, a statue of Mad Mick the Mad stares out astounded with his arms outstretched. "Welcome" is the inscription on the base, although many people think he is crying Holy Crapp!

September The Autumn leaves are falling. Well they would if they had the right trees, but coconuts and bananas are not reknown for their autumnal hues. This is the most pleasant month on Simybio. It is when the hotels give free accommodation to visitors. Click on the pic to print off your free hotel voucher, which also includes free return air-fare, free food and drink, free visits to all places of interest, and free Simybion dollars to spend throughout your stay.

The highlight is an audience with their most majestic majesties King and Queen Crappus. September is also the Great Joke Month, and Simybions roll around laughing their backsides off at the many pranks they play on the astounded tourists who arrive thinking they have loads of freebies.

October: Time to get serious with affairs of state. October sees the state visit of the US Washinstones President Obama and his family.

As the only leader of the Great USA that has had Pacific roots, he is keen to sit on the great historical Crapp throne, where he can determine public opinion.

The mighty throne echoes bowel movements with immense rendition, and, like presidents far and wide before him, he is keen to see what impact a great fart can produce.

November: Security will be tight this month. The ex-US Washinstones president George Bushed and the Great ex-King of Britland Tony Blur are visiting Simybio. They are attending a unique conference "How to make a Crapp World even Crappier".

Special guests include Donald Rumsshite, Prick Cheney, Aussie Bin Lost, and a host of other odd folk from DisneyLand. Rumour has it that Mickey Mouse, Elvis Presley and Michael Jackson may turn up - but that would stretch the imagination too far.

Sarah Palin is in residence, and is looking forward to giving them her signed autobiography, "Going Commando", a reference to her strange behaviour and suspect habits of running naked through the banana trees. Why does she do that?

The book has had an outstanding success here. Copies are available in all of the rest rooms, and are most useful when the bog paper runs out.

And so to December: Christmas comes around once again. Christmas was adopted due to Mad Mick the Mad's belief that he was born of a virgin.

But that's because nobody was prepared to take any responsibility for him.

Legend has it that a carpenter adopted him, but he learned early on that his dad went missing alot, and even when he was around, he was always taking tea breaks.

Three wise men and some shepherds visited him, and offered him some golden effluence and manure. They were regarded as stable portents of wisdom, and no doubt influenced his ability to sail up the South Pacific Passage, which we all know he mistook for the back passage!

Still, he is worshipped now in Simybio as the great saviour. All praise Mad Mick the Mad! Halleluhah!

Simybions wish everyone a Merry Christmas and a Happy Farting New Year!

The SquidU moderator and former firefighter has recently visited Simybio. (Sadly she's rather protective of her photograph and permission to use it has been declined).

She heard that in order to distinguish between quality Crapp and substandard crapplish on the SquidU forums, it was necessary to seek out the true origins of the language.

So overwhelmed by the degree of crapp espoused, it was a wise move for her to seek expertise in the matter.

Indeed, any off-topic discussion is now encouraged to have a forum of it's own.

Simybion's are renown for their hospitality and tolerance, and welcomed her with open ablutions.

During the course of her visit she attended courses in "How to appreciate true Crapp", "Is Crapp a universal language", "What are the similarities between theoretical Crapp and dynamic practice", and "Crapp in the 21st Century - uses and abuses"

Professor Itsa Gasser, descendant of King Fartes XII and Principle of the Simybion Academy for Educational Excellence has awarded her with a seat in the nations top public convenience. This top gong will mean she can spend a penny anywhere absolutely free, and sit on the throne of her choice.

Kimberley has now left Simybio. She left this note in the guestbook...

"I was overwhelmed by the knowledge I received during my visit. I understand Crapp more than ever before and I'm very grateful to be included in the Grand Simybion bog Roll of Honour".

Such is her popularity, that the porcelain palaces are now adorned with her image.

Every time Simybions visit them, they cannot help but watch her smiling features as they ponder on their bowel movements.

High praise indeed!

Sarah is on a diplomatic mission to prepare her for future government. She thought Simybio was in the Bearing Sea, and was quite surprised that there aren't any Ruskis here. She's become an avid student, and is currently studying for a degree in Lavatorial Emplacement and Plumbing.

During her stay she has found inspiration to write a book "Going Rogue" a reference to her strange habit of getting affectionate in the toilets. She thought about changing the title to "Getting Rogered" but her publishers thought that may have a negative impact.

The eminent founder of Squidoo is analyzing the potential of Si'mybio for relocation of Squid HQ.

He realises that the Crapp language may be very useful in the development of more lenses.

Also, the placement of arsets in the Crapp Bank of Si'mybio has useful advantages, as the islands major financial institution has successfully avoided the global credit crunch.

"Invest in Si'mybio - the best place to dump your deposits! Large and small!"

The Si'mybio hand of welcome is renown around the world, therefore it came as a great shock to learn that one of the most handsome, tolerant, fair, generous and all-round great leaders the world has ever known requested to visit Si'mybio.

Sadly that person couldn't make it, but as it happens another equally infamous person is seeking admission.



Yes it's that amazing conjurer and all-round spiffing chap - hero to the masses, grand agriculturalist, father of his people, the humane and lovable teddy bear, worshipped by all in fear of him - The great, the majestic, the icon of all he surveys..non other than old Bob Mug! Hooray, Cheers, Hooray!

The grapevine rumours are that he's seeking overseas retirement, hence his interest in Si'mybio.

There is a special throne set to one side - one of the finest toilets on the island, specially reserved to accommodate the biggest piece of crap in modern times.

Hot news! His application was unsuccessful and the Simybion authorities have rejected him.

Squidoo is holding a day of lensmaster meet-ups around the world, so not to be outdone, King Crappus and his hot wife Fart'es are announcing the Grand Simybio Squidoo Extravaganza on June 10th.

The programme will portray all that is great about Simybio and the highlights of the day will be a personal tour of the sewerage systems by the Minister of Tourism (who could resist), visits to the famous Crapp throne, and a visit to the Museum of Arsefacts. Interactive participation at the world-renown rest-rooms will be encouraged.

Lensmasters will each be issued with a commerative bog-roll of honour each individual sheet embossed with a picture of the king, ensuring a smiling face will always shine upon the user.

The menu of the day is designed to ensure solid bowel movements. Baked beans on wholemeal bread accompanied with Guinness being the main delicacy. Other delights include chilled coconut juice, sliced jackfruit with chick pea surprise, and Queen Fart'es special - Gin, whisky and Rum with Liver Salts - guaranteed to cause a gas.

Entertainment will be provided by the Crappus Simybio Singers and the Brass-Neck Band who recently won the South Pacific Effluent Award for outstanding contribution to Trombone, Horn, trumpet and all that jazz.

Admission is free, and in an unprecedented gesture the king will reimburse all travel costs, expenses, and provide exclusive accommodation at no charge. The rooms at the Hotel Simybio all have ensuite toilets and the servants are always on hand to flush them. However, tips are encouraged because its a manually intensive role.

How to get here:

The top airlines fly over Simybio, because unfortunately the runway hasn't been built yet. Visitors are recommended to undertake parachute lessons, which many regard as one of the joys of landing.

Those not prepared to choose this method can arrive by sailing ship, although navigation can be difficult due to the ever changing longitude. There are currently five cruise liners on the way, and their captains have had their passengers on board for several months attempting to make land.

Satellite navigation has not been implemented due to the King's lack of technological appreciation. An American came one day just to set up a push-button flushing unit, and was sent packing. King Crappus thought it would reduce employment for his subjects, and that matters.

Nevertheless, those who are desperate always get there eventually, and are overjoyed at the conveniences. The lavatories on Simybio are known the world over, and people are exceptionally relieved to discover them.

So welcome to all Squidoo Lensmasters! Bring a friend. It will be a day to remember!

Don't forget - its free! Please register your booking below.

The Simybion 2011 census is proving controversial. The Crapp census has been conducted every 10 years since 1781.

It is the oldest continuous and uninterrupted census in the world and was first undertaken by Crappus I, preceding the United Kingdom's first census by 20 years.

It stems from the arrival of Mad Mick the Mad, who postumously insisted that he must be counted.

Recent research in the archives of the famous "Mamibio" document - Mad Micks autobiography - clearly states that all citizens and visitors (especially if staying overnight) must be recorded with name, age, date of birth, gender, religion, occupation, nationality, sexual orientation, accommodation, central heating and number of rooms, especially toilets.

Although regarded as a bog standard request, it presented a problem for Crappus. Whilst he knew the significance of counting his subjects, he also knew that they all pissed in a communal pot, yet such a revelation could be detrimental to his legacy, especially as he had his own personal throne, warmed on his whim by the "Maids of the Chamber".

What, he asked himself during a difficult bowel movement, could be the solution? He consulted his hot wife Queen Fartes, who suggested (clever girl) that the best thing to do would be to give every subject their own personal lavatory. This, she argued, would show the world how advanced and progressive the great King of Simybio was, and also it would stop his people from spoiling his flower beds.

"Ah!" The king said, somewhat distracted by his Queen's voluptuous assets, "that's a great idea, but where is all this crap going to go?"

"Well Sir" she replied with fluttering eyelashes, "We could build an underground sewerage system to dispose of it, and eventually, we may be able to recycle it for future generations."

"Fartes you are brilliant" he said "No wonder I married you!"

"Thank you your Highness. But perhaps we should allow Mad Mick the Mad to take the credit. After all, he was an Englishman, and if the sh*t hits the fan we could always blame his country. Everyone else does."

And so it was that Simybio established personal loos for all, thanks to Mad Mick's census.

With great humility Crappus permitted the English to take all the credit. An accolade which, incidently, the people of Simybio are happy to pass on one way or another.