Beginners' Guide to Fantasy Smack Talk

In this guide, the terms smack talk and trash talk are considered to mean the same thing. Some people get hung up on different definitions for each because they have no talent and lots of free time during fantasy playoffs to make up definitions.

Talking yourself up is a classic smack talk technique. Hey, if you don't believe your team will dominate the league and win the championship, no one else will either.

Most people talk a good game before the draft but some turn it into an art form throughout the season.

There's a guy in one of my leagues who's a pro at this. He consistently hypes his team and abilities all season long. Nearly every post he makes mentions that his team will win the championship, that he'll give everyone a lesson in fantasy football, that he'll teach us how to evaluate players and make trades. The frustrating part is that he almost always gets to the championship.

This is one of the easiest and most common smack talk styles. Why? All you have to do is let loose with some name calling and foul language. You've probably been trash talking this way since 3rd grade.

Telling the target where they can go, how to get there and what will be done to certain body parts along the way is a popular tactic. It may also include a few descriptive words about family lineage and/or ethnic background.

Every fantasy league has its own personality and not all leagues appreciate cursing on their message boards. Know your league before dropping f-bombs.

Belittle your opponents by offering them an "education" or "helpful advice" in fantasy football or whatever fantasy sport you're playing.

This is easiest when the target has just screwed up or made a questionable move or trade. Simply explain to them the basics of why dropping their backup QB to cover a kicker's bye was a bad idea.

If they get upset or try to retaliate, offer to use smaller words next time.

Anything that tells the target they can't hang with the fantasy big dogs fits here. A common tactic is to state that your little sister, mother, grandmother or senile old aunt knows more about sports and can play fantasy football better.

Another variation is to suggest they would be better off with a more suitable hobby like knitting, bingo, tea parties or maybe a book club.

A lot of fantasy leagues are work leagues. If you're in a work league you can add office rivalry to your smack talk arsenal. Here are a few examples to get started:

"How come the IT guys have time to send out 50 lame trade offers a day but it takes them a month to fix a PC?"

"If the sales guys would sell stuff instead of checking their fantasy roster all day, this company might turn a profit."

"Wow, those accounting guys and their fantasy stats spreadsheets are pretty impressive...too bad they forgot a column for bye week."

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