Successful Parenting

One of my big things about being a good parent is allowing my children to make decisions about what they will and won't do. However, the other side to this is that I also have to be prepared to allow my kids to face the consequences of those decisions.

What does this mean really? Well, I strongly dislike arguing with my kids about their bed times. So I don't. I will "suggest" that it is bedtime to my children. If they choose to go to bed then, great, if not that is their decision. However, they are still required to be up at 6am the next morning and for their chores to be completed and to be at school on time. Getting the kids out of bed is a matter of removing bed clothes and making a lot of noise so they can't sleep.

Over time, this has resulted in both children self regulating their bed times. if they are tired, they will go to bed early, if not they will sit up.

Once you understand the correlation, this type of behavior is easy to shape because the decision will generally have a direct consequence.

What about the behaviours that don't have a direct, or immediate consequence? Like leaving their lights on, not cleaning their rooms and the like? How do you teach the kids what consequences their actions reap? After all, leaving the lights in the rooms on means that the household electricity is marginally higher for the month and how do you translate that to the kids?

Well, I think Julie Butler has a great solution that is remarkable. It allows you, the parent, to teach your kids that each action has a consequence regardless of the behaviour.

It is called the Better Behaviour Wheel.

Initially designed to curb the arguments between her children, the Better Behaviour Wheel was developed to deliver one of a series of consequences that might be incurred by fighting. These consequences included:

Clean the other person's room
Do dishes for the other person
Make the other person's bed for a week
Lend your favorite CD or game to the other person for a week
Make a list of ten good things about the other person
Hug and make up%u2026.

The next time Julies children argued, they were required to take the board from the fridge door, spin the wheel and peform the action that the wheel landed on.

After a small amount of time, Julies children stopped arguing however, Julie realized that she could adapt the wheel to modify other behaviours of her children. With some thought, eight more categories were added:

Excessive Arguing
Leaving the Lights On
Not Putting Things Away
A Job Poorly Done
Stretching the Truth
Taking Without Asking
Talking Back
Wheel of Just Desserts (rewards) (my favourite)...

Forty-eight consequences and 16 rewards were added to the "Wheel".

When a child doesn't meet the agreed standard, like having the dishes done by 8.30am, a parent can say:
"It's 8.30 and you haven't finished the dishes, we're going to have to spin the wheel."

Not only does this approach remove the Parent as the "bad guy", it allows the consequences to be kept reasonable and provides wonderful lessons to the child as to the consequence of their behaviour.

The system also includes the "Wheel of Just Desserts" which provides reward for appropriate behaviour - a wonderful idea for ensuring that children are shown that appropriate behaviour has positive consequences.

I strongly recommend the Better Behaviour Wheel to anyone.

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The one single tip that I can give to Parents that has helped me is to treat your children as "Adults In Training", not a children with no understanding of the principles of life.

This is how I treated my children and I am so very happy with the results. At 11 and 13, both my kids are extremely responsible children who participate in the family decision making process.

Whilst they are incredibly mature for their age, they still have fun and it's interesting to watch as they shift between child and young adult. We still have the general issues of messy rooms, homework not done and other chores missed - which encourages me that they are still kids.....

The difference is though, that both my husband and I know that we can trust the children to make responsible decisions and seek advise and guidance when they aren't sure.

Of course, one of the challenges that this does raise is that we may consider the children to young to make a particular decision but they don't and because they have the cognitive abilities to reason out their decision, it makes for interesting discussions. We take these situations as learning experiences for both ourselves and the children. By discussing our concerns with the decision they made and suggesting alternatives, we are able to coach our children to the next level.

This approach does mean that we have had to relinquish 'control' to some extent and trust in our children. However by teaching our children that there are consequences to their behaviour, and making them face up to those consequences, we know that we have made the right decision.

I have learnt that THE best way to shape my childrens behaviour is to reward appropriate actions and behaviour and generally ignore the inappropriate behaviour.

Notice the language I use here. Appropriate and Inappropriate, not Good and Bad. This is because the terms good and bad have meanings that are harsh and can be taken to mean the child, not their behaviour. That is, the person can be tagged as Good or Bad whereas they can't be tagged as Appropriate or Inappropriate. This has a major impact on the childs psyche to begin with.

When our children do something well, even if it is something they are expected to do, we always congratulate them and say "Thank You". This reinforces in the childs subconscious that when they perform appropriately, they get a great response.

In contrast, when our children behave in an inappropriate manner we tend to do nothing. We do not respond. After receiving a great response when they act appropriately, not responding is like shouting - it's not a nice feeling. This also addresses the behaviour that children sometimes exhibit just to get attention.

Of course, there are some cases where the behaviour can't be ignored. In these situations, it is extremely important to remain calm and explain, as much as possible, what it is about the behaviour that is unacceptable, without translating the behaviour to tag the child.

Let's look at two examples to demonstrate what I mean.

In this example, the child has got out of bed, dressed and organised their breakfast, without being asked or remindeded. At this point, I would approach the child and say "Thank you, I really appreciate you getting yourself ready. It really is a big help ." I would also give them a big hug and kiss.

On the same morning however, the same child may not have their school bag packed ready to go, despite being reminded several times. At the time you are ready to leave, the child starts to get their bag ready and makes you later than anticipated. This has the effect of not only making them late for school, but generally makes you late for work or an appointment.

It is frustrating to the parent and may result in the parent chastising the child and labelling them as "bad". I have two approaches that I take, depending on how old the child is.

For the younger child, I generally grab their bag and hurry them out the door, whilst explaining as calmly as possible how their lack of engagement affects not only them but myself as well. I will also address their behaviour later in the day when we can sit and speak about the consequences. I am very careful not to label the child with their behaviour, but to focus on the actual behaviour itself.

With the older child, I have been known to leave the house at the time I have set, with or without the child. They hussle to catch up with me to ensure that they make it to school on time. By this point, there is generally no need to say anything, they are well aware of the consequences of their behaviour.

I believe that it is no use getting cranky with the kids, we all make "mistakes" and misjudge things. We learn from these experiences, as will our childre n - if we allow them to.

My job as a parent is to guide my children to be the best they can be and to be able to make decisions about how to behave based on the inputs that they have available to them.

How has this worked for me? My kids are now 13 and 12. My 13 year old will assess his own behaviour and come in and apologise for inappropriate behaviour and explain why it was inappropriate, even before I know what has happened!

More importantly, my kids tell me when they are having troubles at school etc because they know that I won't "lose it". They will even put forward a plan of action to resolve the issue. How great is that.

One of the interesting side benefits is that my children now use the same techniques on their friends, calling out bad behaviour and rewarding good behaviour. My son, handles bullying and teasing at school with equanimity - simply because he knows that it isn't directed at him.....

I fully recommend this approach to any parent. It allows you to still be a parent, but also be your childs' friend.