THE GLORIOUS GLOSSARY OF SNIT

For those who've ever wondered whether or not they are prone to snits, please proceed to the "SNIT QUIZ" (in the module below).

If you don't know whether your a snitty so-and-so, here are three sure signs that "snit" is in your genes.

1. You get tickled pink after jumping up and down on someone else's tail, (clearly it should never have been there in the first place!)

2. You get a real kick out of playing "Do This Do That", (besides, you know there's no "I" in team!)

3. You can't abide meandering mutts that make a blinking mess of one's pristine lawn, (after all, what self-respecting drama queen would ever be caught dead with a pooper scooper in her hands!)

Note: Those who resemble the curious creature in the inserted illustration, will all qualify immediately for membership in the Super-Duper Snit Club.

Step forward, smile and take a bow...(c'mon, you know how you love to hear a little applause for putting your best foot forward). Oh for pity's sake, do it before someone else tries to rain on your parade or lead it!

The author of The Glorious Glossary of SNIT, is none other than a sexagenarian siren with a penchant for candy kisses, pink girdles and fishnet stockings by the name of Aphrodite Beamish.

She qualifies to write this curious compendium since she describes herself as nothing less than a "scintillating shrew", a "saucy sour-puss", and a "supreme Snit-Face" for those who dare to ask!

The Glorious Glossary of SNIT" contains many words you've probably never even heard of in your life. And why not after all we are talking about a little-known behavioral pattern better known as "Serenity-Challenged Nerves in Transit" (SNIT), aren't we?

So, if you want to communicate with anyhone in an agitated, bewildered or confused state of mind, it's helpful to know the lexicon of the Solace-Impaired, also known by the correct medical term, "Sunny Disposition Deprived Souls" (SDDS).

This glossary also contains an infinitesimal number of entries devoted to the male HISsy-fitting population in order to quell anticipated criticism from equal opportunity neologists, outrage from the fundamentalist wordmongers, and a sustained campaign of silence organized by politically-correct book reviewers.

snitator: (n.)
A multitasking individual who can heckle, snarl, and hiss simultaneously.

snit bag: (n.)
One who grunts while emptying the contents of her 40 lb. purse in front of airport security personnel.

snit-ball (n.)
Euphemism for any rapidly accelerating piece of stainless steel cutlery, fine bone china, or crystal glassware emanating from the haranguing hand of a dotty damsel-in-distress.

snit bedlam: (adj.)
Descriptive of the theme behind "Days of Long Knives", a dreadful domestic drudgery drama popular among the stay-at-home set.

Snit Begone: (n.)
A dearly departed person of hex (as seen in the inserted illustration).

snit bit: (n.)
One who smiles and grinds his/her teeth with ease.

snit bleeper: (n.)
Euphemism for the heavy-handed censor who removes naughty pillow-talk diaglogue from all blue movies.

snitblog: (n.)
A daily online venting journal for home-bound HISsy-fitters.

snit booby: (n.)
One who has great difficulty loading a stapler without cursing, mangling two fingers, and losing a precious pint of blood.

snit-book: (n.)
A little black wireless device with your blessed name it, not to mention your "hot" mail address accompanied by a dorky emoticon or a few unflattering remarks.

snitbootie: (n.)
Technical term for a girl with a bad attitude, a pair of hob-nailed pumps, and a good set of power tools.

snitborne: (n.)
She who emerges from the womb with a megaphone in one hand and a foot in her mouth.

snit bug: (n.)
Pejorative term for anyone who owns the "to do" list that seems to get longer and longer every time you open your mouth.

snit chemistry: (n.)
The science of snap, snarl and suck-up.

Snit Christian: (n.)
One who underlines suggestive phrases in the St. James Version of the Holy Bible.

snitcockups: (n.pl.)
Pejorative term for people who get ticked off at being reprimanded for colouring outside the lines.

snitcraft: (n.)
Secret potions used by peevish pixies that turn poor performing princes into frogs.

snit day: (n.)
The guaranteed delivery time for your household effects, (including the hours you booked off work), plus the actual time when the darned delivery dudes decide to show up!

snit dowser: (n.)
One who wreaks havoc by raining on another poor soul's parade.

snit dragon: (n.)
A member of the bodacious beast collective with a firey temper and face full of fangs.

sniteroclite: (n.)
One who accepts unwillingly her destiny as a round thingamajig in a square whatchamcallit.

sniteron: (n.)
Technical term for an indelicately situated wedgie that causes untold embarrassement to the owner.

snitfarm: (n.)
A hogs n' kisses sort of place inhabited by old tarts, (see illustration of this illustrious icon in the insert).

snit fest: (n.)
A gregarious gathering of "grrrls" with a slightly checkered past.

snit-finger: (n.)
Better not ask...just avoid it at all cost!

snit fisher: (n.)
Polite term for a crabby sort of carping hooker.

snitflater: (n.)
Term for a pins and needles sort of pointy-hat person.

snit foliant: (n.)
A dangerous deflowering devide that when used properly causes the wings of angels to drop off prematurely.

snitful: (adj.)
Descriptive of one whose cup runneth over one too many times.

snit gape: (n.)
One who engages in a fit of ferocious yawning.

snit garment: (n.)
A shredded pair of silk pajamas or shorts created by either a Maven of Mischief or a Mistress of Mayhem.

snit gloat: (vb.)
To beam brilliantly or smile radiantly about the fatal misfortune of a young whippersnapper who steps into one's spotlight without permission.

snit glob: (n.)
Colloquial term for in effectual pompous gesture, a pathetically poor use of puns or an incredibly incompetent act.

snit-goodbye: (adj.)
Descriptive of one who has used up her goodwill and charm for a free consultation at the Psychic Friends Network.

sniterguy: (n.)
The one who throws a HISsy-fit when his new romantic fake fireplace won't crackle, the remote flame-throw goes kaput, and the glow-in-the-dark marshmallows-on-a-stick aren't even included in the packaging box.

snit-headed: (adj.)
Descriptive of the disturbed thoughts that run through one's brain after trying to count all those blessed bleating sheep that show up in one's bedroom before Santa arrives with his bag of goodies.

snit-hap: (n.)
An unexpected encounter with the Bad Karma Fairy, (see insert of a little old lady looking like she had just been run over by a truck).

Snit-hen: (n.)
A politically-incorrect term for one who enjoys plucked chickens, dead ducks, cold turkeys, and flogging expired horses.

Sniteum: (n.)
Technical term for any palace belonging to a pesky princess.

snit hermit: (n.)
The sort who prefers the company of brown owls and wet toadstools rather than carpet knights and wicked wenches.

snit heroic: (n.)
Descriptive of a thundering wild woman with a piece of spinach lodged between her two front teeth.

Snit Hestia: (n.)
The Greek Goddess of Parsimony, Pitfalls, and Do-It-Yourself For Pete's Sake.

snit hootenanny: (n.)
Where one finds plastered pixies, gnomes singing off-key, and energizer bunnies that won't shut up.

snit hussy: (n.)
A two-timing fusspot with no romantic fake fireplace.

snitifer: (n.)
A voracious Yellow Pages rip-out 'artiste'.

snitimpaste: (n.)
What happens to a living room after a decorating diva's advice is ignored.

snit-in (n.)
Euphemism for any pandemonium event organized by members of the Plastered Pixie Party.

snitinthian: (n.)
Technical term for a plastered pixie pushing 40.

snitipswitch: (n.)
The remote control on a romanitic fake fireplace silly!

snitiput: (n.)
One who smiles, nods and furrows her brow while serving 'Spam' and rubber cheese slices on burt toast to visiting outlaws.

snitish: (adj.)
Descriptive of one who inquires about your health while casually nailing both your feet to the ground.

snitist: (n.)
A harrumphing sort of happy-impaired harridan.

snititus: (n.)
Inflammation of the sniffle and snort gland.

snitivore: (n.)
A rarely seen carnivorous creature better known as a "significant-other-eater" (see illustration insert for likeness to said abominable abheration).

snit job: (n.)
Anything that requires strong egg-sucking abilities.

snit jock: (n.)
One who sports a middle finger for the TV camera.

snit joy: (vb.)
To reach one's full potential as a worry-free wicked wench with nine more lives to go!

snitkindred: (adj.)
Descritpive of the sort who adores blobuster battle-axe movies like, "Rubble Without A Cause".

snit-kitten: (n.)
Tehnical term for a PMS'd pussy-footer.

snitlet: (n.)
Polite term for a headless bust.

snit machine: (n.)
Pejorative term for a testy tack-spitting troll.

Snit Man: (n.)
Needs no fake romantic fireplace installation guide thank you, (see insert for picture of our hero).

snit manager: (n.)
The one who wears a pant-suit to work and keeps an asp up her sleeve for good measure.

snitmare: (n.)
Euphemism for a kick-ass Kodak moment! -- "Beneath her demure exterior...lay a witchy woman!!!"

snitmatory: (n.)
A perplexing drama involving a type-A personality who is unintentionally locked in a public washroom cubicle with no way out.

snit metric: (n.)
The vain notion that all manner of stuff can be squished, squashed and squelched in order to fit into a tiny purse.

snitmongering: (n.)
Uttering politically-incorrect gestures and bombastic Pig Latin epithets without any fear of reprisal.

snitmorphic: (adj.)
Descriptive of what happens when super-duper shit hits the fan.

snitopathy: (n.)
A perfectly natural way to vent by emitting a blood-curdling scream at the sight of a huge black spider in one's shower stall.

snitpeckian: (n.)
The only one who sprouts horns spontaneously when randomly picked by a caller to leave the floor during an elimination dance.

snitoscope: (n.)
An early warning device used to determine if a mistress of msass destruction is in the vicinity.

snit-pack: (n.)
An "indulgence basket" containing a letahter whip, a pair of handcuffs, and a soporific selection of dungeon mood music.

snit phone: (n.)
A text-message digital device complete with pre-prgrammed pejoratives, suck-face emotiocons, and touch-tone blow-offs for the modest monthly sum of only US$19.95 or CAN$39.395 plus PST and GST.

snit pickle: (n.)
So smarty-pants, what else would you call a grrr-kin!

snit plank: (n.)
The fate that awaits all merry-minded mates who insist on flying their "Jolly" Rogers in public!

snit podge: (n.)
What world-champion serenity-challenged nymphs-in-training (SNITS) eat for breakfast silly.

snit poignant: (adj.)
Descriptive of one who takes pleasure in stabbing her veggies with a fork!

snit politics: (n.)
What some have described as an aquarium full of assertive, process-oriented pretty piranhas.

snit prize: (n.)
A minor misdemeanor that results in a significant-other sharing a spot with Fido in the doghouse overnight.

Snit Queen: (n.)
The typical "Kiss my tiara or I'll turn you into a toad" personality, (see insert for illustration of this majestic maven of mirth).

snit saucer: (n.)
Any unidentiflying plastic object piloted by a Bad Karma-kazi.

snit sauna: (n.)
A steamy therapy session with a bunch of hot rocks.

snit-sayer: (n.)
One whose attitude is that of confident blustering combined with a healthy dose of sweet revenge.

snitscather: (n.)
Pejorative term for a withering insult and blasphemous dialogue coach.

snit-screen: (n.)
Technical term for a cheeky chick flick with X-rated pixies, goblins and elves.

Snit's disease: (n.)
An affliction involving heavy breathing followed by those famous last words, "I feel a sin coming on."

snit shot: (n.)
A smarth-mouth goddess who wears boas to work and attends cigar dinners to show off her power-tools, (see insert for rendering of this ripsnorting rebel without a pause).

snitsickle: (n.)
Anything that can be sliced, skewered, or slivered in ten seconds flat by the powerful Payback Pixie.

snit-sniveller: (n.)
One who excels in the art of whimpering, whining, and why-me-ing.

snitsnook: (n.)
An accomplished performer in the derisive art of nose thumbing.

snit-snooper: (n.)
An electronic device (endorsed by the Office of Homeland Security) and installed in powder rooms to detect the presence of wild women on the warpath.

snit snoot: (n.)
The admiring sort who conceals a slingshot in her purse for use at breathtakingly boring office parties.

snitsome: (adj.)
Casually obnoxious or fretting behavior accompanied by noticeable frothing and foaming at the mouth.

snitsuit: (n.)
Colloquial term for flannel night attire that comes with a built-in chastity belt.

snit target: (n.)
The one who incurred the wrath of she who owns the Ming vase now in more pieces than Humpty-Dumpty at last count, (see insert of fellow who went fishing with the boys on the weekend instead of staying home with his PMS Princess).

snitersnee (n.)
The snivelling sort found in executive washrooms standing in front of the looking glass who needs to ask: "Mirror mirror on the wall, who is the fairest of them all?"

snit-theistic: (n.)
Descriptive of one who can morph into a burning bush right before your very eyes, but can't walk on water and doesn't believe in the Goddess of Gripe or The Great Pumpkin.

snitting-meemies: (n.pl.)
Technical term for seething pet rock watchers.

snit tooth: (n.)
Pejorative term for one whose fangs do not turn three shades whiter after using a brand-name bleaching toothpaste.

snitum: (n.)
One who's missing the caring and compassionate gene found in the DNA of all Mommies.

snit uh-huh (n.)
Affirmative disregard for the advice from pip-squeaks!

snituppity (n.)
The one who complains about too much cleavage in meat market.

sniturbanist: (n.)
A condo-dweller who refuses to wear green on St. Patrick's day or weed the rooftop garden.

snit Valium: (n.)
Better known as diazepam for divas-in-distress.

snit-vampire: (n.)
A batty babe who doesn't like being referred to as "sucky-face" by someone called "Sleeping Beauty"!

snitvolk: (n.)
Those who don't give a sweet tweet about whether you choose beige, cream, off-white or eggshell paint to cover your bathroom walls.

snit-whatnot: (n.)
Any annoying little sound emanating from your vehicle that comes back after you've spent $500 to nix it.

snit-whistle: (n.)
One who can toot his/her own horn without any help from the peanut gallery thank you!

snit-whizzer: (n.)
A humongous hissy-fit conspicuous for its noise, speed, excellene or starling effects.

snit-whopper: (n.)
An awesome display of strategic belching, precocious wind-breaking, and scathing scatological criticism.

snitwiddle: (n.)
One who complains about the size, shape and lack of color selection in disposable incontinence apparel.

snit-willy: (n.)
Descriptive of one who uses duct tape on more things to repair than you care to name in mixed company.

snit-wimple: (n.)
The shy sort who prefers to hide her displeasure beneath frowning folds of sumptuous cellulite.

snit-with-it: (n.)
A socially-acceptable code of conduct exhibited by a member of the Vexatious Vixen Vanguage.

snitwitloof: (n.)
A quaint Anglo-American expression meaning, "I don't recall asking you for your opinion buster!" (see insert of a supreme snit in a sassy outfit).

snitwizen: (n.)
To cause to dry up, shrink, or wrinkle prematurely.

snitwoolie: (n.)
The snippy sort who always says, "Put a sock in it!"

Snitworteum: (n.)
A world-class wailing wall for wimpy worrywarts.

snit wowser: (n.)
The obtrusively puritanical or fastidious sort who dutifully scrubs out a tell tale spot left by a passionate poodle on a Persian rug in front of a fake fireplace.

snit-wrinkle worship: (n.)
Veneration of those who insist on beating, bending, or bopping digitial devices in the vain hope that they will come back to life.

snit-writing: (n.)
What a poison pen pal >:( does best of course.

snit-xylophone: (n.)
A percussion instrument usually played by wooden-hammer wielding, scantily-clad Amazons in marching bands that drive men crazy.

snit yap: (n.)
The sound of a shrill voice emanating from one who paid for a "grande" iced cappuccino but got a "venti" double latte with chocolate sprinkles instead.

snityazoo (n.)
Polite term for a toilet-paperless loo.

snitty-pot: (n.)
One who refuses to throw his/her troubles away or at least into a pity-pot.

snit zest: (n.)
One who delights in refusing to put the toilet seat down after a whiz visit, (as seen smiling in the insert).

snit zone: (n.)
A female only washroom with dried flowers, large mirrors and color-coordinated padded walls.

snitzooks: (n.)
A mild oath meaning, "Get out of my way before I lop off your noggin with my trusty Shopping Channel electric carving knife, you ridiculous little nincompoop!"

The Valentine Viper, (better known by his snake-charming handle as the "Limbless Lothario"), is a sneaky, slippery son-of-a-gun who wraps himself around the Tree of Knowledge in the Garden of Eden while waiting for two tantalizingly twitty types named "Adam" and "Eve" to show up and be devoured as his afternoon snack.

A cold, calculating creep with a sweet tooth instead of fangs, he earns his keep in the Animal Kingdom by consuming birthday cakes (including candles), chocolate Easter bunnies, as well as copious quantities of candy kisses on February 14th, (which is why otherwise happy hussies are known to throw hissy fits everytime one slithers into their midst to spoil their fun and frolic in the hollyfuds).