2008 is a "Leap Year", the U.S. Presidential Election Year, and it's also the "Year of the Rat", according to Chinese astrology, and the Summer Olympic Games in Beijing.

The Socratic Order of Sandboxes takes pride in its long tradition of tendentious or titillating topics to reflect upon and ponder over until the cows come home, the chickens flee the coop, or the rodents escape from the rat race.

This year's agenda of questions to explore include:

1. The pros and cons of "leap-frogging" as a demonstration event at the Summer Olympics this year?

2. What do women do who get bored kissing frogs that don't turn into princes and, what do men do who become bored after escaping the rat race?

3. Which politicians are likely to excel in the art of quantum leaping to conclusions in 2008?

Why join the Socratic Order of Sandboxes (S.O.S.)?

Well, the short answer is, "why not"!

If you're bored with life on Earth and might be interested in visiting a remote Bob-fearing planet somewhere in the black void of the universe, getting to know the Hingefreel people of Arkintoofle Minor or where the Grebulons came from, or why bad news travels faster than the speed of light, you've probably come to the right place.

Well having got the heavy stuff out of the way, it's probably helpful to know that prospective members of the Socratic Order of Sandboxes share several things in common.

S.O.S. types, (like Douglas Adams, author of Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy and other spaced-out novels like Mostly Harmless), fervently believe:

1. Anything that happens, happens.

2. Anything that, in happening, causes something else to happen, causes something else to happen.

3. Anything that, in happening, causes itself to happen again, happens again.

4. It doesn't necessarily do it in chronological order, though.

5. Anything that happens does so in a multidimensional infinity of space/time/probability which is why pondering and navel-gazing are popular pastimes the life of all S.O.S. members.

6. Once something actually happens somewhere in something as wildly complicated as the Universe, Kevin knows where it will all end up - where 'Kevin' is any random entity that doesn't know nothin' about nothin'.

7. The universe is not actually a "thing", but just a way of looking at what is technically known as the WSOGMM, or the "Whole Sort of General Mish Mash".

8. The "Whole Sort of General Mish Mash" doesn't actually exist either, but is just the sum total of all the different ways there would be of looking at it if it did.

9. If you're tired of waiting for Godot to come and show you the way to wherever you're going, you can always find solace in slicing the "Whole Sort of General Mish Mash" any way you like, because you will generally come up with something that someone will call home.

10. For the purposes of living a full life as a contented entity in the "Whole Sort of General Mish Mash", "home" might as well be a "sandbox", (which is conveniently filled with the sands of time that allows one to play and ponder all manner stuff ad infinitum).

So what's all the fuss about? Just exactly who is this "Socrates" person anyway, he looks like my Uncle Harry. On second thought, he reminds me of Santa Claus.

A classical Greek philospher, some have credited him with establishing the foundation of Western philosophical thought.

While one legends purports that his wife, (probably a shrew or spoil sport, hid his clothes to prevent him from going out and teaching instead of sticking around the homestead), this did not prevent our hero from taking destiny into his own hands and leaving venturing out of his house in his birthday suit (which was the least of his concerns given that he encouraged his students to understand their beliefs and the extent of their knowledge about life and the world in which they lived by asking questions).

According to Socrates, "the highest form of Human Excellence is to question oneself and others."

For those who need to dig deeper into the life of Socrates, please consult the fount of all fast knowledge - Wikipedia, or check out what other people think about a>.

Every organization worth it's salt always has a "Mission Statement", so for the benefit of those who are inspired be big words and lofty thoughts, here goes:

1. The Socratic Order of Sandboxes (S.O.S.) is committed to achieving global understanding of the need for asking unanswerable questions. The Order feels this is a natural progresssion of Zen thinking, and honours such imponderables as "the sound of one hand clapping".

2. We honor and encourage anyone wishing to develop their non-mind to the highest attainable levels of mental and intellectual awareness. NOTE: If you have an implicit undersanding of the ancient zen saying, "Just stand in the middle watching...and then forget that you are there..." to the extent that you have actually forgotten your existence, the Socratic Order of Sandboxes exists for you.

Lest you think that this organization is a fly-by-night figment of your imagination, we provide an enlightening "Vision Statement" for those who need rose colored glasses to appreciate the world.

Socratic Order of Sandboxes: Vision Statement

1. The present can best be lived by understanding it's place or position, i.e. betwixt and between what has taken place (the past) and what may take place (the future).

2. The only time is now.

3. If you have more than one time-keeping device, it is impossible to ever be 100% certain of wht time now actually is.

4. SPTs (Stricly Pedantic Thinkers) also known as scientists) have dtermined that by travelling ast enough and far enough into deep space, you can actually arrive at the beginning of time.

5. The future may or may not actually exist due to worm holes, black holes, and voids not to mention non-space and missing space.

6. The space that is missing from the universe exists somewhere unless, of course, all matter is in itself non-mannter and if nothing really exists there can be no space to have anything missing from. In other words, something has to be found before it can be lost.

7. Presuming you have no grip on traditional reality, it is usually safe to get out of bed in the morning.

8. Always be alert to avoid falling through any black holes, or bumping into any missing space.

9. We prefer one prominent hitch hiker's simple explanation of the Galaxy: "I can tell you that in your universe you move freely in three dimensions that you call space. You move in a straight line in a fourth, which you call time, and stay rooted to one place in a fifth, which is the first fundamental of probability. After that it gets a bit complicated, and there's all sorts of stuff going on in dimensions 13 to 22 that you really wouldn't want to know about. All you really need to know for the moment is that the universe is a lot more complicated than you might think." Source: The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy Mark II.

10. When all fails to explain unexpected things that befall us or go bump in the night, we subscribe to Jonathan Swift's nifty notion that: "Vision is the art of seeing things invisible."

Every club has rules about who can join, and S.O.S. is no exception.

Socratic Order of Sandboxes: Membership Criteria

1. Individuals considering membership should, in the broadest sense, be uncomfortable with narrow thinking. (NOTE: It is better to have a few holes in the head than a constriction of the cranial cavity.)

2. Persons tending to walk in straight lines, believing the shortest distance is the best route between two points, may find S.O.S. meetings frustrating due to their going with the flow format and at times circuitous nature. (NOTE: Members of the "Tao of Cow" Temple enjoy pondering privileges with S.O.S. members and may attend meetings of the Socratic Order of Sandboxes at the discretion of The Big Cheese, The Great Pumpkin, or the ever elusive Sandman.)

3. Strictly Pendantic Thinkers (herinafter known as SPTs) are eligible for membership, but only on a buddy system, to ensure their mental capacities are not overloaded by the S.O.S.'s predominantly lateral thinking concepts. (NOTE: Circular thinking is prohibted to SPT novices until they have demonstrated a predilection for non-linear thought.)

4. Other than the foregoing considerations, anyone journeying along the time and space continuum is encouraged to join the Socratic Order of Sandboxes. (NOTE: Walking in straight lines can be corrected with conscious effort. Specially developed orthopaedic - SpongeBob SquarePants - shoes are helpful. Undulating and circular perambulation is possible for everyone; after all, practice makes perfect!)

As most of you know, clubs and societies usually have several committees to keep people busy doing all manner of things that someone who is running the whole show considers really important.

Socratic Order of Sandboxes: Committees & Terms of Reference

Program Development: To discern, through frequent playing in sandboxes, the areas of concern to sandbox residents and visitors.

Communications: To develop innovative ways to increase public awareness of the S.O.S. (such as building sand castles in the air, which has not been achieved to date in spite of magnanimous efforts by dedicated members of this committee).

Community Relations: To promote goodwill within the Order's sandboxes and in the community at large. The Committee's goals are to achieve zero tolerance for sand fights.

Fundraising: Regretfully, since the demise of the barter system, grains of sand are no longer deemed legal tender. Also, to date, financial institutions have refused to accept sand dollars as collateral. Thus, the Order's efforts continue to find a suitable solvency solution.

Emergency Preparedness: This Committee has been instrumental in establishing the Order's 1-800 emergency service. Any sandbox resident within our mandated area can obtain help by dialing 1-800-SAN-DBOX. Ongoing volunteer training programs ensure few sand trap incidents. Emergency room visits due to sand trap-related injuries have dropped significantly since the introduction of this service.

Emergency Preparedness Sub-Committee: Hemlock Phobia Control - For obvious reasons, this Sub-Committee was created. The order continues struggling with a rash of hemlock phobic members. Recent studies have shown that hemlock is only harmful if actually ingested. Maps nothing the location of hemlock trees are available from the Order at no charge.

To keep the peace and run affairs of the club efficiently, S.O.S., like other organizations has as few rules, regulations, and red tape as is humanly possible.

Socratic Order of Sandboxes: Sandbox Rules of Order

1. It is impolite to pile all the sandbox sand in your corner.

2. When counting grains of sand, only pocket-size battery-operated calculators calculators are allowed.

3. No smoking is permitted in the sandbox as extreme heat can cause creation of mini-glass globules.

4. Dogs should be encouraged to use grassy areas surrounding sandboxes for their toiletry requirements.

5. If the urge strikes to rake zen patterns in the sand, this is permissable as long as no other sandbox residents object. Qualifying criteria follow:

(a) While not an actual rule, it is polite not to daw lines around your fellow sandbox playmates, (traditionally, lines are drawn around stones and other immovable objects rather than people).

(b) A possible exception is if the other party has not moved within one hour of entering the sandbox, at which time they are deemed to be an immovable object.

6. Anyone spotting a sand trap must immediately notify all other sandbox residents and visitors. Evacuation guidelines in the event of a sand trap occurrence follow:

(a) Remain calm. Sand traps are rarely fatal.

(b) All four sides of the sand box are considered viable exits.

(c) If someone is trapped in a corner, call 1-800-SAN-DBOX.

(d) If playing in a sandcircle, simply exit from whatever point you are playing in.

7. For sanitary reasons, food should not be consumed in the sandbox as this is likely to attract the small biting two-winged sandfly (families Psychodidae, Simuliidae and Ceratopogonidae) and/or the small soft-tipped bill shorebird known as the sandpiper (sub-order Charadrii) who usually are more of a pest than a playmate.

8. Before leaving the sandbox, all playmates (grubby nor not) are requested to use the gritty, all-purpose "sandsoap" located in the easy-to-use plastic dispenser adjacent to the water-tap marked "Wash Your Hands Please!".

9. All members of the sandbox community should be careful not to make any derogatory or inflammatory remarks about a genie otherwise known as "The Sandman" (as we rely on his indispensable services to put children to sleep at night by sprinkling sand in their eyes so the rest of humanity can grab some shut eye).

10. NOTE: All sandblasting is strictly prohibited in the confines of sandboxes as this is known to impair vision, create stuffy noses, and leave unsightly sand residues in the locks of sandbox residents and visitors.

In addition to it's internal committees, the Socratic Order of Sandboxes encourages members to participate on external committees as a means of dialoguing with the non-sandbox community.

Socratic Order of Sandboxes: Participation on External Committees

1. CBC (Canadian Befuddlement Committee)

Rationale: The S.O.S. actively pursues each opportunity to clarify and debefuddle thinking processes at any level of society.

2. SNAG (Society for the Naming of Anonymous Glitches)

Rationale: On any given day "it was just one of those glitches", is an oft heard phrase across the land. The SOS supports SNAG in their heroic efforts to identify and name each of these heretofore nameless glitches.

3. SNAFU (Starbucks Nomenclature Aggravation Faculitation Union)

Rationale: Anyone entering a "Starbucks" is confronted with a horrific misuse of the English (albeit American) language and undergoes significant trauma while trying to order a cup of coffee. The SOS's strategy is to infiltrate this corporation from the beans up. We are working towards having a "regular" (small) cup of coffee replace the "tall" now being served. Similarly, a mid-size cup will once again become known as a "medium", and a "large" will cease to be termed a "grande". NOTE: The S.O.S. is also conducting research to determine if immoderate caffeine intake can be linked to Excessively Grandiose Verbiage Disorder (EGVD).

4. CSA (Circular Sand[boxes] Association)

Motto: "Don't get boxed in!"

Rationale: The geometric square to circle evolution intrigues the S.O.S., with our logo itself embodying the sandbox within the sandcircle. We strongly support the CSA's public awareness workshops and hope same will ensure a peaceful "no sand fights" transition.

5. ISBN (Institute for Socratically-Based Nomenclature)

Rationale: The ISBN provides an invaluable community service, rallying against the prevalent use of ephemisms, fogg diction and nonsensical terms. Examples of the insidious nature of these transgressions follow:

(a) Instant classics are only possible if society is traveling forward and backward simultaneously through a worm hole.

(b) A custodial engineer is not an engineer who has legally obtained custody of his/her offspring, even if engineers believe they rule the world.

(c) During a labor dispute, waste management specialists will refuse to collect refuse.

It's always a good idea to spell out just exactly what sort of service commitments can be expected from organizations, and S.O.S. is no exception.

Socratic Order of Sandboxes: Public Service Commitments

1. Attend all public hearings where the topic of sandbox closures are on the agenda, and save them from extinction.

2. Encourage random acts of silliness, in and out of the sandbox (as a way to celebrate Mental Health Day).

3. Continue collecting, whenever possible, research on the mythical phenomenon known as the "sandman". Since the beginning of the Order, no one has actually seen this individual and yet, his or her presence continues to enchant us. It is entirely possible that he or she is the creator of the first sandbox and, hence, would be an invaluable member of the Socratic Order of Sandboxes, provided one could contact him/her in the flesh.

NOTE: Some members of the S.O.S. have campaigned to have the Order's logo changed to represent this personage. Legalities have arisen which, to date, prohibit us from doing so as this individual appears to be the "intellectual property" of a world-wide entertainment conglomerate with very deep pockets and oodles of copyright lawyers on retainer.

4. Offer workshops/seminars to real estate developers and architects on the merits of incorporating sandboxes into future projects. During the seventies and early eighties, the S.O.S. endeavored to have sandboxes installed in corporate offices rather than "thank tanks", but the "think tank" lobby was too powerful at that time. This initiative may be updated and implemented at some future date, we can only hope.

5. Due to their extremely convoluted processes, the Order will always pay special attention to the legal and political communities. The wording of any legal document is deemed sufficient proof of the potential havoc lawyers could create if left totally unrestrained. Similarly, politicians have long been known as professional double-speak wizards. Some have even successfully accomplished triple and quadruple speak. Together with SNAFU, CBC and ISBD, the S.O.S. will therefore continue to advocate for clearly expressed, non-linear thought.

NOTE: Not coincidentally, recent headlines have alluded to an unusually high percentage of Starbucks shareholders being either lawyers or politicians. This is a disturbing trend and one the Order will be closely monitoring.

Those who love "think" and "do" activities will certainly find this organization worth joining.

Socrative Order of Sandboxes: Annual Calendar of Events

January 1

For those following the Gregorian calendar, this is the day to contemplate the significance of a New Year. Beginnings and endings, astral projections and time travel in a universe where the speed of light determines perceived reality are all concepts to be considered worthy of celebration. For anyone wishing additional circular thought challenges, eternity and nothingness exist specifically to confound the human brain cells, (now isn't that a happy thought).

April 1

"April Fool's Day" is traditionally a fun and frolic day for all S.O.S. members! Imagine the jocularity arising from sujecting SPTs to circular thoughts first thing in the morning. Usually the result is individuals not knowing whether they're coming or going, (the poor souls not yet realizing it's all the same thing). Every S.O.S. member knows that only fools rush in where wise men never go...and they like it that way!

April 2

The S.O.S. is campaigning to have this day declared "International Sandbox Day". Similar in concept to "Boxing Day" following "Christmas", the Order feels the general public will embrace the day following "April Fool's" as a perfect time to appreciate and explore their local sandboxes. (If this campaign fails, we will be approaching Hallmark to create an S.O.S. line of greeting cards and related gift merchandise).

July 1

Traditionally the day for all S.O.S. members to be sure their sandboxes are in good working order. With the advent of warmer weather, it is advisable to ensure no sand traps have developed over the winter or the wet months of spring.

October 31

In recent years, S.O.S. members have found it entertaining to join in Halloween festivities depressed as pails shovels, and, of course, sandboxes. This is a wonderful opportunity to dress up naturally, while promoting the Socratic Order of Sandboxes.

December 31

For SPTs this is the time for resolutions...to have more undulating thought patterns, walk fewer straight lines, and perhaps even play in the odd sand circle.

NOTE: In LEAP years, S.O.S. members revel in the sheer joy of having a free day to take an extra leap of thinking about something, as well as a leap of faith, provided of course they are wearing a crash helmet (just in case).

SOCRATIC ORDER OF SANDBOXES: CONSTITUTION & BY-LAWS

For SPTs with an overwhelming urge to analyze the Socratic Order of Sandboxes' Constitution and By-Laws, same are available for viewing at the Order's Office of Record.

Office of Record:

Here.

Hours of Operation:

Now.
Possibly tomorrow.
Definitely yesterday.
And when all else fails, whenever the Spirit of Serendipity moves the universe of all things great and small.

If the Office of Record is closed, a Request Form for mailing of copies of the Order's incorporation papers may be picked up at the above address, attention of the OOPS* Department.

__________

* The Socratic Order of Sandboxes' official Paper SNAFU Department.

Every organization usually has a recommended list of delightful documentaries to watch on a rainy day.

SOCRATIC ORDER OF SANDBOXES - TOP SCREEN PICKS - Possibly available at your favorite video store!

JUST IN TIME FOR THE HOLIDAYS..."THE GLITCH THAT STOLE CHRISTMAS"
- A little known classic that Hallywood rejected in favor of the more widely known verson. Wonderful family viewing. Rated: 3 sandboxes

"THE SANDBOX ENFORCER"
- A sand fight-laden film with incredibly fast-paced action sequences. Must be seen to be believed. Great for a Friday evening with popcorn and peanuts. Rated: 2 1/2 sandboxes

"THE SAND TRAP"
- The movie version of a well-known murder mystery wirter's hit Broadway play. Edge-of-your-sandbox viewing. Dont watch this one alone... Rated: 4 sandboxes Advisory: SPTs must view with an S.O.S. member

RATINGS:

4 sandboxes - Don't miss this one.

3 sandboxes - A pleasant viewing experience.

2 1/2 sandboxes - Not necessarily worth leaving your sandbox for.

1 sandbox - The glitches had fun with this one. Stay in your sandbox!

Typical of giggle-inspired gatherings organized by the Socratic Order of Sandboxes is the plethora of piffling ponderables that one of our mirth-inspired members managed to rescue from the "Dork, Dumb & Dweeb Bin".

Clarence Clodhopper III sent us this selection of zany questions requiring rumination. They first appeared in the 19th century treasury of silly and absurdist literary concoctions entitled, The Admiral's Caravan, by Charles Carryl, (incidentally, the first American stockbroker who wrote poetry...a wicked wordpecker to be sure).

The heroine of this piece of poetic nonsense is a girl named Dorothy whose friends are an assembly of dim-witted animals). It seems she was headed out Christmas eve, (no doubt looking for a good time), but had to settle for an adventure involving a lawyer's lost document aptly named "Memorumdums" (that contained the following list of wacky wonderings):

"Do Angleworms have attractive homes?

Do Bumblebees have any brains?

Do Caterpillars carry combs?

Do Dodos dote on drains?

Do Weasels weep when fast asleep?

Can Zylophagans squeal?

Do Yaks in packs invite attacks?

Are Zebras full of zeal?"

To whom it may concern:

I know you're a bit dumbfounded by that puzzling present nestled nicely beneath your tacky tinsel tree, (the one you bought for a dime at the "Grinch Garage Sale").

To make a long story short, I had a most informative talk with "Socrates", (you know ...the dead Greek philospher who now works as a bouncer at the Pearly Gates Night Club & Casino in a place called "Paradise Lost"), about what to bring someone who's been shall we say more than a bit naughty this past year.

Not wanting to disappoint you, we decided to toss those twelve drunk drummers (frankly, they're driving everyone nuts which is not a good thing unless one has a large supply of Prozac pills handy), not to mention the eleven incredibly pathetic pipers piping (who couldn't hold a tune even if they tried!), the ten lollygagging lords a-leaping (...just who do they think they are anyway?*!), nine ladies dancing rather dangerously in nothing but their knickers (...it seems that they flunked their final exam at the Queen of Sheba's Pole-Dancing Academy), the eight overworked and underpaid maids-a-milking (employed by a cost-conscious company called "Cowbunga!"), plus seven swans a-swimming (...more like sashaying around a godforsaken lake full of loons looking for a good time no doubt), six geese-a-laying (who left their all their crap behind so now we all have to wear wellyboots for pity's sake!), those five fake golden rings belonging to the VANOC Olympic Committee (who are trying to promote the multi-million 2010 Winter Games in a place that rains cats and dogs 364 days a year), four calling birds (that keep on wooing the neighbor's wretched mongrel who's going completely bonkers), three French hens (whom I might add don't speak a word of English but have believe it or not managed to finish off the last case of "Arrogant Frog - Ribet Red" in existence), those two tawdry turtle doves (who keep dumping their damn detritus on everyone's pristine front lawn), and a red-legged partridge (better known as "Alectoris rufa") in a pear tree who's so blinking bored with life that he's ready to devour that well-cooked 20 lb. turkey with all the trimmings sitting beside that fantastic XBox 360 with a 20 GB hard-drive located in the trunk of a 2008 Lexus ES 350 with an onboard Navigation System, Moonroof and Bluetooth technology.

To sum it all up, we agreed that what you really needed most was a lifetime membership in the Socratic Order of Sandboxes, (see below for further details).

Signed,

The Bad Elf

Karl Klunder-Blunder, Secretary of the "Born-Again Breadwinners of Red Sucker Lake" (in Manitoba, Canada), recently wrote a one page letter to the S.O.S., (enclosed in a small brown-bag with 48 one-cent stamps affixed and a jolly gingerbread man logo in the left-hand corner). He requested that that the membership of the society consider the following urgent matter at its next monthly meeting, and report the findings to Born-Again Breaders as soon as possible.

What came before the next best thing since sliced bread?

Since this is indeed a perplexing question, the society is now soliciting advice from scholars and sychophants, (whom it is said are used to scratching their heads a good deal before flapping their gums and letting all their thrilling thoughts hang out to dry in the wind).