Soon To Be A Bride (Or Groom)? Watch Out!

Use smart ways to do marriage and couple life.
"Easy, fast and painless" are three common expectations that do not always work out when it comes to doing sustained significant relationships. Even if you and your partner use the smart approach to relationships, there will be times when things take time, effort and slow, plodding persistence.

The smart way is to learn the skills that make marriage and couple relationships work. Those skills include Fighting Fairly, not using blame, communication techniques and compromise to settle differences. Most people take no preparation or deliberate learning on how to do marriage. We learn many other kinds of abilities and skills but we start out doing marriage entirely by the seat of our pants and on-the-job learning. It is a wonder there are as many successful, enduring relationship as there are in our culture.

Communicate pain in non-blaming ways.
Few people (and especially men) understand the emotional life of humans, We think we know what the physical and literal aspects of life are, but we do not get it when it comes to emotional intelligence, emotional awareness and skillful expression of feelings.

"Show me the pain". If couples learn how to discuss the things that hurt each other in non-blaming ways, intimacy between couples increases because their vulnerability to each other increases. Blame is a defensive posture and is used to protect us when we feel vulnerable. Be vulnerable with your lover, but not blaming.

In most people's mind, if they hurt, someone is to blame. Relationships grow stronger if the couple will state and express what hurts and what is painful simply as what is going on with them so their partner knows how they feel deep down. No blame. No "You owe me for my pain and injury." No entitlement. No judgment. Just, "Honey, I'm hurting and I need to let you know how bad I feel". Remember: couples deserve each other in good times and in bad.

Prepare for and expect the Law of Unintended Consequences to show up in your relationship. When we marry, divorce is not what we intend. When we have kids, we do not intend to hurt our children or watch them hurt. When we start a significant relationship we intend to trust and be trusted by our mate. We do not anticipate disappointments and broken hearts.

Well, guess what. You will have many things happen in the course of a marriage you did not count on, both good and bad. In the beginning, it's good to state your intentions to be present in your partner's life, to be faithful and to do the best you can to patch and repair the damage that occurs to the relationship. When the dog bites and the bees sting, have a process with your lover and spouse that will help you ride through the surprises. Trouble in marriage does not mean you failed. It means you need to have a tool kit ready to use when the boat springs a leak.