S.L.U.T.S. (Southern Ladies Under Tremendous Stress!)

What a morning. It is only nine and I have already heard from almost all the SLUTS. This mornin's paper, the weekly here called the Mountain Round-up, has set everyone on fire. It is amazin' what one little photo can do.

Doro, my best friend and a foundin' member of the SLUTS, called me at eight this morning just a screaming her little Q-tip head off (yes, she needs to touch up her color). She had just read the paper that came out today and was fit to be tied. Our paper is mostly just a little thing that keeps everyone up to date on what is going on around here and does not usually cause a commotion. It has a little local news and a lot of social happenins. Weddins and parties and such. Well, it looks like today they have gone and outdone themselves in the weddin' department!

Doro's daughter, Becka got married last month in the sweetest ceremony you have ever seen. Doro and Becka planned it all, with the SLUTS help, of course. Becka wanted her wedding in Doro's backyard, which, I have to say, is beautiful this time of year. Becka, herself an honorary SLUT, being Doro's daughter and all, decided to use the SLUT colors of pink, orange, and leopard print. We were so honored and went to work and decorated that yard to beat the band. All the tables had pink cloths with leopard overlays. We found cute little orange plates and napkins. Pink and orange balloons. A buffet that included BBQ from Becka's favorite resturant, Mud Creek. A weddding cake with pink and orange roses, and a groom's cake for Becka's fiance, Tate, representin' a big ole crab bucket (Becka's new husband's family bein' big into crabbin' down on the coast). Becka's dress was ivory and she chose pink for the bridesmaids. She and bridesmaids all wore cute little leopard print print pumps. And the groom and his groomsmen wore matchin' leopard print bow ties with their tuxes. I do not think I have seen a prettier weddin'! Everyone said it was the SLUTSiest weddin' they had ever been at.

To make the day extra special for her daughter, Doro decided to put those little Kodak disposable cameras on each table. She said the guests could take candid shots of the wedding and leave the cameras for her to develop. She figured it would save her some money in the photography department. Doro's husband has a fine job here on the mountain and Doro works part time, but you can tell she grew up in difficult circumstances. She can cut corners better than anyone.

Well, we set everyhing up and Becka was so proud. I think Becka (and all our girls) might question our taste sometimes but we had done a real good job for her that day. The guests all arrived and the minister, whose name is Tater (yes, that is his name and he is pure-tee proud of it too!), married Becka and Tate in an enchantin' ceremony. After the I dos we had a regular party. I had thought we might heat to death, it bein' almost July, but the sun had gone down and it was real comfortable. We just all had a lovely time and Dora got all the pictures she would ever need from those sweet little Kodak cameras.

But as you and I know, nothing ever goes without a hitch...

Now, back to what had Doro so upset. Our conversation went something like this...

"Caro, CARO! Have you read your paper this morning?"
She screeched into my phone.

Shaking my head to clear the sharp pain I just got from her howlin', I answered, "Lord no, Doro. I am justing gettin' up, YOU are the one..."

Well I didn't get to finish cause Doro commenced to blubberin'.

"The weddin' page. The one in the paper. The page that all the mountain AND the valley reads..."

"Yeah Doro, I know. I've only lived here half my life and..."

"Becka's weddin picture is in it today!"

I was a little confused at all the carrin'on. "Why, Doro, honey, that's just great. It was so pretty..."

"IT IS NOT PRETTY", she squeeled. "Go get your paper and call me right back!"

OK, OK, I admit I was a little put off because Doro was not being very nice, and it was a little early in the day for the shreakin' thing, but as soon as I opened that paper I 'bout wet my pants. There on the weddin' page, as big as you please, was Becka's weddin' photo. Only problem was it wasn't Tate, her husband, she was kissin'. Right there, in black and white, was Miss Becka, who we have all loved for 23 years, lockin' lips with my son, Buck,Jr.

Well, WHAT was she thinkin' kissin my boy in public, on her weddin' day? And why was MY Buck, Jr. with Becka? My boy has been raised better than to be kissin' a girl who is marrin' someone else. This was, of course, my first concern. But then the real problem hit me like a rotten tomato.

How did THIS get in the paper?

Well, here is what I found out. And swanee, if Doro don't kill that new mother-in-law of hers, Miss Nan, and her trashy daughter, Cybil, I will. Those women are plain evil and cause more trouble than I have ever known. The SLUTS and I have been tearin' up the phones this morning but it has paid off cause we now know how that photo got in the Mountain Round Up.

Marcie, another foundin' SLUT who you will love meetin' later, lives next to Miss Nan. Miss Nan is Doro's new mother-in-law. (She married Dora's poor dad after her true mom passed and let me tell you, it was a scandel. Miss Nan ain't no older than Doro herself. Doro's daddy just went and had him a midlife crisis and married this young girl who now insists we call her "Miss". She thinks it gives her status. It has been nothing but a tragedy ever since they got married. That women is a born trouble maker. She is so jealous and hates our Doro for all it's worth. She will never be a SLUT!).

Well, Marcie saw Miss Nan out in the yard this morning when they both went out for their papers at the same time. Miss Nan tore into hers without even goin' inside which Marcie thought was a bit odd, even for her. While Marcie was watchin', Miss Nan started a laughin' and jumpin' around. Now this was strange behavior so Marcie, curious thing she is, steps across to see what is so funny.

Well, plain as day, without no shame, Miss Nan asks Marcie what she thinks of her photo abilities. Lookin' at the picture Miss Nan pointed to, Marcie started to put two and two together and realized that bat had took the picture of Becka and Buck,Jr. with one of those Kodak cameras at the weddin'. Marcie peppered her with questions but all Miss Nan would do is laugh.

After getting this news it did not take us long to find out Miss Nan's trashy daughter, Cybil, was involved. That little girl has hated the SLUTS kids since grade school. Why, I remember all the stuff she tried to pull in high school. Jealousy, plain and simple. I remember, in specifics, the day our girls decided to get even. Oh, honey, the whole town remembers.

Oh, those girls of ours. They had just plum had enough of that mean girl and they decided to take action. Becka and my Prissy were the ringleaders. They knew all about advertising, being on the yearbook staff and all, so they decided to take an add out in the Round Up in honor of Cybil. Not just any add, mind you. One they designed to humilate that girl and get her back oncet and for all. I still have that ad on my fridge. This is what it said the day it came out in the paper:

"I stuff my bra! Do you wanna know how? Call me if you wanna learn how to stuff like the pro's! There's no need to be embarassed nobody will know, if you do it right!

Then they put Cybil's name and phone number right there in black and white!

Well, you can imagine Cybil has been rarin' to get those girls back for a few years now. And I guess she has gone and done it now. Poor Becka, poor Tate, and poor Buck, Jr.

Now, you may wonder why We SLUTS have not focused our energy on figurin' out why Becka was kissin' on Buck, Jr. and not on her new husband, Tate. And I'll tell you, right straight, that we were of course worried about it and we'll get around to it. But honey, we are proud Southern women and NOBODY does wrong to any of our young uns without gettin' all of us fired up.

Now...

With the commotion of the mornin' I almost forgot it was Wednesday. Wednesday is a very sacred day to us SLUTS. We meet at noon each Wednesday for lunch at Pearl's, our favorite local resturant, (not a hard choice seein' as we only have 3 to choose from here on the mountain). We used to go to Bluewater but it went an caught fire and the new resturant they put in it's place, Burnt Wood (no lie) just ain't as good.

Well, I got my self together pretty fast. It does take some time, you know, because we SLUTS do have a image to maintain! I made sure I wore my new pink sundress with a cute little pair of leopard mules. And right before walking out the door I put on my SLUTS jewelry which includes special bracelets and such we had made just for us. that's another thing I'll have to tell you about sometime...don't let me forget.

Oh, and just a note about Becka and that picture... She showed herself at lunch and said Tate was fumin'. She wasn't doin' much better. Her eyes were so puffy no amount of concealer could help. Poor thing. She said Tate was leavin' and his brother was comin' by to get his things out the house. I wanted to ask her if she had seen Buck, Jr. as he refused to answer my calls. Who knows...Becka might soon be my new daughter 'n law!

She an Prissy (who also came along to lunch), were already planning their revenge on that trashy Cybil and Miss Nan. I am sure it will be a wopper this time. We'll have to wait and see, and read the paper, which obviously needs a new editor if it can't do no better that allow what it does onto it's pages.
Lord a' mercy.

Oh boy, do I love Pound Cake. My mamma's recipe is the best so I am going to put it down here for you to try. It is easy and pretty foolproof. Don't worry if it falls (maybe one of your sweet young uns opened the oven to soon or were bangin' round the kitchen), my granpappy said the best pound cakes were always the fallen ones!

Mamma's Pound Cake
-3sticks butter
-3 cups sugar
-8 oz cream cheese
-1/2 cup sour cream
-6 eggs
-3 cups cake flour (sifted)
-1 tsp vanilla ext
-1 tsp almond ext

1. Cream butter, sugar,sour cream, and cream cheese.
2. Add eggs one at a time.
3. Add sifted flour slowly to mix (flour can be sifted in your food processor!).
4. Add in Vanilla and Almond extracts.
5. Pour batter into a greased bundt pan.
6. Bake in preheated 300 degree oven for 1 and 1/2 hours.

Sit back with that glass of Surprise Tea and enjoy!

We would love to share more of our stories with you.

Caro is an aspiring writer and would love to publish her S.L.U.T.S.-y stories, recipes, and southern wisdom.

We are waitin' to hear from you!

A big thanks for the publishing interest recieved through our website...the site is being updated and will be back up soon.