Spouse unwilling to go to marriage counseling? You can save your relationship!

Sometimes spouses are reluctant to go to counseling because they feel that you and the counselor will use the time to gang up on them and point out every bad thing they have done in the relationship.

Believe me, no one likes to have their dirty laundry aired like this and then pointed and laughed at. Talk about pressure!

If you've listened to your spouse give reasons like this for not wanting to go to counseling, talk with her/him. Make an agreement (and stick with it) that neither of you will make any accusations in counseling. If you've found a good counselor, she will not make any accusations either.

Sometimes this agreement is enough to encourage that spouse unwilling to go to marriage counseling. If not, consider whether or not you might benefit from counseling yourself. Perhaps as your partner sees you benefit from counseling, they will be convinced to go also.

If your spouse does decide to go to counseling with you after you've already started. I highly recommend seeking another counselor whom you have no individual relationship with. if you take your spouse to the same one, s/he can definitely feel ganged up on because that counselor has a longer history with you. Personally I never see an individual in couples counseling when I've seen the individual first. I've never seen it go well." />

There's an old saying in AA that I use daily in my counseling practice - if you keep doing what you've always done you will keep getting what you've always got. And if what you've always done has always worked, well, I'd be out of business!

Its time to knuckle down and get to business. Self-help books and relationship advice columns are everywhere. Some of them work, some of them not so much. But if you are serious about making a change in your relationship, this is something that has worked for many people.

And since since you have a spouse unwilling to go to marriage counseling, perhaps instead they might consider working on something like that with you? Even if not, you can still make changes for yourself.

Think of a relationship like a house and a thermostat - its a system. If I make a change in the house by say opening the windows on a cold day, the thermostat has to adjust by turning on the heat. So what I'm saying is that if you start making changes for yourself, your spouse can not not change. S/he is part of that "system."

The self-help row at your average bookstore can become a nightmare if you are just browsing through it. Trust me I've spent many hours searching for that perfect book for some of my clients!

If you feel comfortable talking with friends or family about the issues you have going on in your relationship, sometimes they can be wonderful resources to recommend books that they have used and found helpful.

The most useful program that i have found is the Magic of Making Up at http://www.wehavetotalk.info. This program comes in ebook format that you can order and download online. There are a few main reasons I recommend it to all individuals wanting to save their relationships:

It is not written by a "professional." If your partner is already leery of psychologists and counselors, sometimes this alone can help. Also I find the writing style and program much easier to follow without the guidance of a counselor.

Personally I love ebooks, I can get them right away. If I am looking for something I can "search" the book text rather than trying to figure out where the heck that exercise was. And with all the other "stuff" I have laying around, they don't take up more space!

From the author:
-Get you in the right frame of mind. (panic mode won't work)
-Assess where you are in the heart and mind of your ex.
-Based on where you are give you a step by step proven "love map" to get you where you want to go.
-Teach you what you need to do to keep them once you are back together.

Even if your spouse isn't your "ex" right now, this book will help. It is a FACT that the first thing I do in relationship counseling is to see how we can get the couple back living together. The second thing is how can we get back to sharing the same bed (or getting some time with no kids in the bed).

Don't wait for your spouse to walk out that door to get some help!

The second most useful program online that I've found for saving a marriage is by Amy Waterman.

According to Amy she "designed Save My Marriage Today to be the most practical, easy-to-follow and comprehensive system available for people like you, in a marriage crisis, who wish to rescue their marriage and get back on track to a healthy, long-lasting and fulfilling relationship"

There is a free 6 part minicourse but overall the program is more expensive than the Magic of Making Up.

Both programs have worked for thousands of people, so its worthwile to check them out.

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