Squidoo Security Words Definitions

Megagoop
1. Megagoop, pronounced Mey-Gar-Goorp, is a system of communication consisting of squelches and squeaks produced by cleverly controlled flatulence. This system was devised by monks who had taken a vow of silence but still liked to have a good gossip about last night's television.

2. Megagoop is the sole ingredient of fast food restaurants' burgers. Traditionally burgers were made of meat but the companies that make them gradually reduced the meat content until they consisted entirely of megagoop.

3. Megag is the illegitimate brother of Magog, son of Japeth from The Bible. Megag oop! is the one time he is accidently mentioned by the authors of The Bible and in the absence of correction fluid or wordprocessors, the authors simply joined up the two words to make it look like some philosophical incantation.

Dogmeow
1. Dogmeow is a genetically engineered hybrid between a dog and a cat bred in an attempt to produce a guard animal with good personal hygiene. The result, in fact, was a beast that spent its whole time chasing its tail in other people's gardens.

2. The order of dogmeow is a secret club for people who don't believe that you are either a cat or a dog person, in fact you can be both. The initiation ceremony to this secret order reportedly involves licking yourself clean and sniffing soiled lamposts.

3. A dogmeow is the Papuan for a person who has been sentenced to live with cats and dogs for commiting the crime of wasting valuable foraging time on making ice cream. It is curious that a race of people with no knowledge of refrigeration would have such a specific term.

Birdbot
1. A birdbot is a gigantic robotic bird developed by NASA as a space tourism vehicle. The bird design was chosen for its aesthetics which marketers calculated would command a premium price over other space tourism vessels. The birdbot project was abandoned after its feathers caught fire on exiting the earth's atmosphere.

2. Bird bot is a little like Montezuma's revenge or Delhi belly, a gastric complaint in which evacuations squirt out in little black and white puddles. A diet of millet and live worms is the only known cure.

3. Birdbot is a game played on St Yogi's day in Finland whereby stuffed birds are nudged along a polished surface by the competitors using their bottoms. There are prizes for distance, speed and style.

Snogworm
1. Snogworm is actually a corruption of the word snogwarm. Snogwarm is the name given to the coldest night of the year in Mongolia when people are forced to snog (kiss) all night just to remain warm enough to survive the night; single people rarely make it throught the night which has resulted in boom in Mongolian internet dating sites.

2. A snogworm is a small creature which is kept in a shoulder pouch by desperate dieters. The worms have been selectively bred to have the power of speech and are trained to verbally chastise their hosts if they appear to be about to eat a cream cake.

3. The Snogworm was an aristocrat of English/Swiss origin who specialised in rescuing French nobles at the time of the French revolution. So successful was he in concealing his identity that most of his feats were credited (and are to this day) to the fictional Scarlet Pimpernel. The Pimpernel even hijacked The Snogworm's theme tune:

They seek him here, they seek him there,
Those Frenches seek him everywhere.
Is he in London or is he in Bern?
That damned, elusive Snogworm.

Geekpen
1. After the abolition of slavery in USA, panic set in amongst plantation owners who, not realising that they could actually pay for labour, thought that they may have to do their own washing up. This led to an underground trade in geeks who, it was discovered, would work without pay so long as they were given access to role-playing games and imitation lightsabers. Before geek auctions began, prospective buyers were allowed to view their potential purchases in the geekpen.

2. A geekpen is something that Squidoo lensmasters are awarded after they have spent so much time on the internet that they have forgotten how to write with pen and paper.

3. To geekpen is to dress in an old tweet jacket with leather elbow patches and walk around town engaging strangers in conversation about subjects such as trains, the weather and computer languages. This is a new form of punishment designed by the European Union to combat unlawful and feral youths.

Gagnook
1. Each year at the Ouagadougou Comedy Symposium the gagnook is the talking point of comedians and comedy lovers alike. The gagnook is a corner of the theatre where unfunny comedians are locked in a set of wooden stocks and pelted with dead fish. Some of the world's most famous comedians such as Eddie Murphy, Richard Pryor and Robin Williams did time in the Ouagadougou gagnook before finding fame.

2. Gagnook is the name given to a rather bizarre fetish whereby consenting participants are stripped, bound, gagged and taken to a dark corner where they are told bad jokes.

3. Gagnook is a trademark constructed by compressing the words Gagno and book and was the predecessor of the much more famous Facebook. The downfall of Gagnook was probably that its use was completely restricted to people with the surname Gagno.

Uberlust
1. In the early 1930s it was popular with Polish gentry to keep and breed German peasants. Females and males would be kept apart until it was time to breed them and only when the male had worked himself up into a heightened state of arousal, bellowing, pawing at the ground and smelling strongly of must, was he considered ready to meet the female. This state of readiness for breeding was known as uberlust.

2. Much of what is known of the life of Jesus comes from old newspaper reports of the time. Uberlust was the pen name of a reporter who wrote many stories covering news involving Jesus and many have campaigned for him to become the patron saint of tabloid journalism.

3. Uberlust was the name given to an attempted record-breaking Roman orgy which lasted for 5 years. It defined a generation of orgy lovers and in later years those who could honestly say "I was at Uberlust man" were highly revered. Unfortunately Uberlust does not feature in the Guiness book of World Records as the 3 people sent to monitor the attempt were fired halfway through for "acts of gross misdeamenor"!!!!!!

Sniffcow
1. A sniffcow is a specially trained breed of cattle employed by the Chinese police to detect milk powder which has been contaminated with melamine. Sniffcows are full members of the police force and have received weapons training, are licensed to stop and search, have full powers of arrest and have access to the police officers' bar.

2. Sniffcow is the alternative to foxhunting preferred by UK's Labour Party. In this sport hounds and riders rampage around the countryside in search of domestic cattle, and upon tracking one down the hounds have been reprogrammed to sniff its butt until the riders catch up and humiliate the cow with verbal abuse. Animal rights campaigners have attacked sniffcow as undignified and contrary to the Bovine Rights Act 2008 stating that the number of cows seeking counselling has increased by 500% since sniffcow debuted.

3. Sniffcow is the name of a psychic cow who briefly starred in an Italian television programme called "Let's ruminate". In the show Sniffcow would act as a medium, contacting "the other side" through a combination of sniffing the person seeking to contact a dead relative and chewing the cud. Unfortunately the show was cancelled after the first episode as it took Sniffcow more than three days to perform a reading.

Wootbees
1. The Wootbees are a techno-punk-reggae band out of Thailand. Their latest album includes Thai language cover versions of Bohemian Rhapsody, Minnie The Moocher, What's New Pussycat?, I Wanna Be Your Dog, Like A Virgin and The Teddy Bear's Picnic.

Copies can be found at all the best bargain music stores.

2. Wootbees are magical insects which can be summoned by the powers of concentration, with the sting from a wootbee bringing an immediate relief from melancholy. In 1985 a swarm of wootbees was accidently summoned during a particularly interesting lecture to sufferers of anaphylactic shock at the annual Medical Practitioners' Conference; sadly 348 people literally laughed themselves to death.

3. Wootbees is a mistransliteration from Polynesian script, a more accurate transliteration would be "wood bees". In Polynesian fertility rites, wootbees are applied to the male genitals and induced to sting in order to "give wood" for an unnaturally prolonged period enabling a couple attempting to start a family an increased chance of doing so. The advent of Viagra has supplied a far less painful method of achieving the same result and consequently the traditional art of wootbee tending has died out and wootbees are now classified as critically endangered.

Snifflook
1. Curiously, the cave-dwelling people of Madeinchina who manufacture more battery powered flashlights than any other people on earth, have yet to create a battery that holds a charge for more than 3 seconds. To counter this problem they have developed the system of "snifflook" whereby everything is examined by a brief sniff in order to identify it. This has resulted in caves decorated lavishly with flowers but a huge pile of dirty laundry that the UC (Union of Cave-dwellers) doesn't know what to do with.

2. A giant, computerised nose, called The Snifflook, has been invented to improve airport security and speed up the boarding of planes. It works by being suspended over a queue of passengers and sniffing each one for less than half a second in order to identify the distinctive smell that international terrorists have due to their tight trousers and fondness for milk-based foodstuffs.

3. A Snifflook is the name given to a new type of art gallery that hosts "installations" that consist entirely of smells. Art critics and the public are divided on this new form of exhibition, some saying that, "people must understand that as art evolves it is obliged to go beyond mere visual gratification", whilst others describe it as, "complete arse". The most highly acclaimed piece, and most costly to the taxpayer, is an exhibit constructed solely of odorless gases.