Starcom: The US Space Force

Ah, Jupiter-home to bright skies and some sort of floating jellyfish things imaginatively called "airwhales." Two floating research stations have been built to study these creatures, and the kindhearted Col. James "Dash" Derringer can't wait to ditch his mother, Amanda, and younger sister, Lianna at one of the doomed stations. (Oops, did I say "doomed"?)

Employing his tricked-out Starmax Bomber Transport Missile Cruiser ("chicks dig it"), Dash drops his mom and sis like a hot potato in a packing crate (technically it's a Transport Pod, but same diff). Look how much happier he feels now that they're out of his hair for a good, long time (he wishes). And can you blame him? His sister doesn't seem to be the brightest bulb in the box.

So how did Lianna get to where she is today? One look at that Pantene "swish" tells you all you need to know. (Tells the crew all they need to know, too.) Momma is smart enough to be a bit protective... it can get pretty lonely in a floating jellyfish observatory halfway across the Solar System.

But there's no time for romance to blossom-Emperor Dark's evil Shadow Force loathes both cuddly floating jellyfish and ditzy women who would build careers out of observing them. "Begone, foul observatory!" screams the robot droid, as he launches a barrage of missiles upon the unsuspecting researchers. (Not very observant, are they?) And just as Dash was about to kick back with the boys, the distress call is sounded and he's gotta go back and save his family. ("I can't leave you two alone for a minute!")

So Dash sets off with Col. John "Slim" Griffin and Col. Paul "Crowbar" Corbin, to save the research station with their F-1400 Starwolf Flexwing Astro Fighters! Will they make it in time? Will the Shadow Force make life difficult for nature-lovers across the Solar System? Tune in (on YouTube, below) to find out!

Mars is a creepy, creepy planet full of synthesizers... and the invasion has begun! Oh, wait—those are our people. Oh well, my bad. Anyway, Dash busts Slim's chops for confusing a wall for a whole city (oh, ha ha! hee hee!), but this episode's token "pretty face" Consuela (not Dash's sister, thankfully) concurs with Slim's astute assessment. Dash offers her a lunch of cow leather, and they skip off together, hand in hand.

A Martian dust storm shows up, and within seconds the whole excavation site is evacuated! Amazing! Consuela is either a total ditz or a robot, and we learn Slim has a niece and nephew who just happen to also be on Mars (what a coinkydink!) and are named after Tom & Jerry. This makes sense, because as we'll soon see, these two kids are about as impervious to real physical harm as that cat and mouse duo.

Some creepy white guy sporting a redneck moustache has Tom and Jenny (see? I told you!) riding his Laser R.A.T. because (and I quote), "You kids should know how to handle vehicles like this, in case there's ever an emergency." The thing has a freakin' laser cannon mounted over the driver's head, for cryin' out loud! "Bob" here must be Charlton Heston's great-great grandson or something. (And he's a Battlecrane pilot—what's he even doing driving a Laser R.A.T.!) Anyway, the kids fight over who gets to sit on Bob's lap, the storm reaches them, and they try to get back to Borough City (wow, those writers sure put some effort into that one) "before it's too late!"

Oops. Too late.

Welcome to Jupiter's icy moon, Europa, where the planetary survey ship Houston has a problem: they've been probing the ice-covered planet, and after breaking through their surface have discovered... sounds! As in, animal sounds! Hooray!

Moving right along, come see Jupiter's volatile, volcanic moon, Io. Emperor Dark's robotic commander has developed a "foolproof" plan to destroy StarCom! (All while brushing molten lava off his suit? Dude's tough. Don't mess with him.)

Ah, yes, there's our heroes... who just happen to be heading directly toward trouble. Again. Yet somehow they think they'll be taking it easy on Ganymede. Haven't these guys learned anything yet?

And we'll introduce you to yet another girl (two of 'em, if artificial life counts, too): Lieutenant Kelsey Carver (Commander Brickley's personal assistant) and G.E.N.I.E. (General Efficiency Neo-Intelligent Entity).

Okay, okay, check this out: this right here is the absolute coolest use of Magna-Lock technology in the entire series: this guy literally picks up an asteroid and uses it as a shield as he flies over erupting volcanoes! That's a real man, there. A real man who's just stumbled upon the Shadow Force's latest operation...