Step Families: A Survival Guide

When I proudly proclaimed to my best friend of 20 years that I knew one day I would be a Step Mom! I can see the moment clear as day, the look on her face, and the words..."I can see that."

If not for the support of people like this in my life, perseverence through the battles of transition may have been lost for me.
But, persevere I did, and although it currently feels like the tides have changed and all is calm and happy in step family land for us, memories of the six year struggle loom ever present and remind me not to get too comfortable.

I truly believe step and blended families ROCK! I love the diversity and the expanded horizons they allow, but, truth be told, I've always been up for expansion exercises of the most difficult kind. One of those "What does not kill you makes you stronger" types that does tend to take on the tough and the challenging for the lesson it will teach in the end.

Today, at least one-third of all children in the U.S. are expected to live in a stepfamily before they reach age 18. The blended family is becoming more of a norm than an aberration. Born of conflict and loss, newfound commitment, and often heart-wrenching transition, stepfamilies face many lifestyle adjustments and changes.

Fortunately, most blended families are able to work out their problems and live together successfully. But it takes careful planning, open discussions of feelings, positive attitudes, mutual respect and patience.

Eight myths about blended families
To a child who does not belong to one, the term stepfamily may suggest Cinderella's troubled family or the eerily perfect Brady Bunch. Actually, neither situation tells the whole story. In a stepfamily, or blended family, one or both partners have been married before. Each has lost a spouse through divorce or death, and one or both of them have children from their previous marriage. They fall in love and decide to remarry, and in turn, form a new, blended family that includes children from one or both of their first households.

Here are some common myths about blended families:

MYTH #1: Love occurs instantly between a stepchild and stepparent.

Although you love your new partner, you may not automatically love his children. Likewise, the children will automatically love you because you are a nice person. Establishing relationships does not happen magically overnight.

Even when you recognize the time involved, it is hurtful to want a relationship with someone who doesn't want a relationship with you. When people hurt, they may become resentful and angry.

Stepfamily adjustment will be easier if you begin your relationships with your stepchildren with minimal, realistic expectations about how those relationships will develop. Then you will be pleased when respect and friendship blossom and less disappointed if it takes longer than you anticipated.

MYTH #2: Children of divorce and remarriage are damaged forever.

Children go though a painful period of adjustment after a divorce or remarriage. Adults often feel guilty about this, and want to "make it up" to their children. This makes it hard to respond appropriately to each child's hurt and to set appropriate limits (an important part of parenting).

Research has demonstrated that in time, most children recover their emotional equilibrium, and will be no different in many important ways from kids in first-marriage families.

MYTH #3: Stepmothers and stepfathers are wicked.

Because many fairytales feature stepparents who are unkind or unfair, new stepparents may be confused about their roles. You may be a wonderful person who wants to do a good job, but the negative model of the stepparent can impact you in a very personal way, making you self-conscious about your new role.

MYTH #4: Adjustment to stepfamily life occurs quickly.

Couples are optimistic when they remarry. They want life to settle down and to get on with the business of being happy. However, it can take a long time for people in newly blended families to get to know each other, to create positive relationships, and to develop a family history.

MYTH #5: Children adjust to divorce and remarriage more easily if biological parents withdraw.

Children will adjust better if they have access to both biological parents. Sometimes visitation is painful for the nonresidential parent, but it is important for the child's adjustment and emotional health - except, of course, in the rare instances of parental abuse or neglect.

It helps if all the parents involved - both biological and step - work toward a parenting partnership. Sometimes this can't happen right away, but it can be something to work toward.

MYTH #6: Stepfamilies formed after a parent dies are easier.

People need time to grieve the loss of a loved one. A remarriage may reactivate unfinished grieving, which can have a detrimental effect on the new relationship.

A person who is deceased exists in memory, not in reality, and sometimes gets elevated to sainthood. When people remarry after the death of a spouse, they may want a relationship similar to their previous one. New partners may find themselves competing with a ghost.

MYTH #7: Part-time stepfamilies are easier.

When the stepchildren visit only occasionally, perhaps only every other weekend, there is not enough one-on-one time to work on stepchild/ stepparent relationships, and less opportunity for family activities and bonding. Since stepfamilies follow an adjustment process, the part-time stepfamily may take longer to move through the process.

MYTH #8: There is only one kind of family

A stepfamily doesn't have to be - and probably won't be - "just like" a biological family. Today, there are lots of kinds of families: first marriage, second marriage, single parent, foster, stepfamily. Each type is different; each is valuable.

The high divorce rate significantly increases the likelihood of dating someone with children, and this new relationship landscape demands a new understanding that goes beyond simply dating as a single without kids. The focus shifts from the couple concentrating solely on each other to considering the children in a way that works for everyone.

Step dating presents many complex challenges whether you are a single parent dating another single parent, or a childless single dating a partner with kids. The major challenges of parenting young children while nurturing a new relationship seem obvious: balancing time with kids who may be transitioning between households; being available emotionally and physically to nurture the adult relationship, and making sure your partner and kids are happy and healthy in the relationship. For singles who don't have kids of their own, it can seem like being on a different planet - navigating a new relationship, learning about children and trying to understand what your role is in relation to them, all at the same time.

The reality is there are multiple issues in step dating, many unexpected and some compounded by mythology. The success and longevity of a relationship depends on knowing what to expect, understanding the family dynamics, being honest with yourself about what you want and anticipating what lies ahead in a way that allows you to plan and take appropriate action. Step dating is a challenge and until now, there has been a serious lack of information about how to do it successfully.

Step Dating is often the stage in which individuals are choosing a new life partner. These relationships can lead to remarriage and the formation of a new blended family or stepfamily so we place a strong emphasis on conscious dating and relationship building as well as remarriage preparation. All of these aspects and stages will be reviewed during the Teleseminar.

Because this is such a such a critical subject for our time, The Step and Blended Family Institute and The Relationship Coaching Institute are joining forces to host a FREE Stepdating Tele-seminar on January 22, 2009 starting at 9 pm EST. The goal is to educate couples and dating singles about the most important factors in step dating. In addition to hearing about the common myths that often derail a relationship, participants will learn the importance of realistic expectations, how to determine if they're ready for or cut out for a step dating relationship, and how to avoid the common mistakes or pitfalls that create confusion and painful emotions for everyone. We touch on a topic of high importance to most step dating couples - how to safeguard the interests of children while parents and partners are enjoying a mature adult relationship. You will leave the teleseminar with tools and strategies that will give you real, immediate and effective support as you navigate your step dating relationships. You will also acquire knowledge of the important considerations to begin making if you are contemplating remarriage and the formation of a new family.

Join Yvonne Kelly, Founder of The Step and Blended Family Institute and David Steele, Founder of The Relationship Coaching Institute on Thursday, January 22, from 9-11 pm EST for an eye opening, 2 hours of new information, critical questions and practical tools from 2 of the leading experts in the field.

When you register at www.stepdating.ca you will ensure a place at the seminar and receive a FREE copy of the groundbreaking, STEPDATING REPORT.

When women date men with children from a previous marriage, we often romanticize the future. We will get married, have a beautiful family of loving, adoring, adorable children who call us "Mom" and are thankful for all we do but leave often enough (or visit rarely enough) to enjoy romantic weekends away with our new husbands.

This is pretty much opposite of reality for most blended families. The bonding and relationships with our new stepchildren is one of the biggest areas new stepmoms find themselves taken aback.

Very seldom do stepchildren latch onto new stepparents, particularly stepmothers, with loving adoration. Often the stepmother is a source of hostility, resentment and jealousy for children. This is particularly true if the marriage evolved very quickly, if the marriage accompanied any large changes in custody or parenting time or if the children spend little time with their biological mother. Adolescent girls are also notoriously protective of their fathers and reluctant to share. Jealousy issues between stepdaughters and their new stepmoms are quite common.

But most women are at least a bit prepared for feels of angst that their stepchildren might experience. However, few are prepared for the difficulty that many stepparents have bonding or loving their new stepchildren! In fact, few of us even consider the possibility that we will consider our stepchildren anything less than equal in love to our biological children. It can come as a huge shock, a source of disappointment, frustration, alienation and major stress personally and in the marriage. It's time to out this dirty little secret: not all stepmothers will instantly love their new stepchildren! And it is OK!!

The more pressure new stepparents put on themselves to feel emotions and connections that aren't naturally present, the more unlikely these emotions and connections will be to develop over time. There are very few situations in life where love comes instantly. It is ok to give yourself permission to grow into love at your own pace. You will do yourself and your new stepchild a huge favor to allow natural, instead of forced, progression.

You can encourage natural bonding to occur by allowing freedom of expression and feelings - happy and sad, good and bad, comfortable and uncomfortable. Share your time and yourself and soon your new stepchild will reciprocate and the love will blossom on its own.

Also remember that new families gain but they also lose. Children often feel the very real loss of the last remnants of hope for reconciliation when a new stepparent comes into the picture. This loss must be respected and mourned. Likewise, stepparents should respect their own need to mourn the loss of a family dynamic that they hoped to marry into, as unrealistic as it always was. Until we say goodbye to what we hoped for, we can't embrace what we have.

Most of all rid yourself of the guilt that you are a bad stepparent or a disappointing spouse. It will come. It just takes time.
As found on: http://parenting.families.com/blog/a-dirty-little-stepparenting-secret

Relationship Goals: 10 Tips to Make Your Second Marriage Successful

1. Settle your first marriage. In addition to the financial, social, and geographical considerations of your second marriage, make sure you're emotionally, spiritually, mentally, and geographically ready to be in a new relationship.

2. Understand your mistakes. Figure out your weaknesses and mistakes in your first marriage, and make sure you don't repeat them in your second marriage. Divorce and remarriage is easier when you know where you - and your partner - are coming from. This tip for a successful second marriage requires you to face yourself at your worst, but it'll help you achieve your relationship goals.

3. Get to know your partner. Take this second marriage as an opportunity to really get to know your partner on a deeper level. This means talking about the difficult stuff even if you're scared or embarrassed. If you want to make your second marriage last, you'll have to be honest.

4. Let yourself be known. Be vulnerable, open and honest about your fears and hopes; share yourself without fear of failure or getting hurt. Letting yourself be loved requires coming out from behind your walls. It can be especially difficult to be vulnerable after a painful divorce, but this tip for a successful second marriage will help you achieve your relationship goals.

5. Go to premarital counseling. For a successful second marriage, seek an objective counseling session(s) to lay a strong foundation. The marriage counselor will help you discuss topics that are relevant to your divorce and remarriage, which will help you achieve your relationship goals.

6. Start fresh. Build your second marriage in a new house or neighborhood; if you need to, move away from a small town or community. Don't let the old ghosts of your divorce haunt your remarriage. Even if you're comfortable living in the remnants of your first marriage, your partner might not be. To achieve your relationship goals, seriously consider your new spouse's feelings.

7. Develop new routines. This isn't just a tip for a successful second marriage, it's a health tip, too! Developing new habits and traditions together will connect you and your new spouse - and it'll help your brain grow new cells and strengthen those rusty old neurons. To achieve relationship goals, many divorce mediators advise setting new routines with new partners.

8. Be open to change. Divorce and remarriage works better if you're flexible. Let go of your old routines. Be open to change and compromise, and making adjustments in your remarriage. Another tip for a successful second marriage: consider live or online marriage counseling to make sure you're both ready for your remarriage.

9. Deal with money issues right away. Many remarriages are difficult because of child support payments, alimony, etc. If financial issues could stop you form achieving your relationship goals, get divorce advice. Ask a divorce mediator or a financial consultant to help settle you financial issues fairly.

10. Leave the negativity behind. Focus on your successful remarriage without being dragged down by fears, failures, and thoughts of another divorce a second time. Your second marriage is more likely to be successful if you're focused on the positive aspects of your partner and life together.