Stewie Griffin: The Family Guy's Diabolical Baby Genius

From the mouth of Stewie Griffin

• Stewie: [hitting on some co-eds] I must say, the most recent campus sporting event was quite spectacular.
  Co-ed: Aw. Are you in a fraternity, little boy?
  Stewie: Not yet, but I'm thinking of joining I Felta Thigh.
• [Stewie is about to be given an injection against his will, so he grabs something from the equipment trolley and threatens the nurse]
  Come any closer and I'll cut her.
  [realizes he's holding a tongue depresser]
  I'll give her a series of splinters... that could become infected.
• You. Fetch me my copy of the Wall Street Journal. You two, fight to the death.
• [Picking up the phone.] Hello, operator. Hello... Oh god, that's right you have to punch in the numbers nowadays. Uhhh, I should know this. Oh yes, [dialing number] 867-5309, yes that's it. Wait that's not it, damn you Tommy Two-Tone. Huh, only one thing to do 111-1111, Lois? Damn. 111-1112 Lois? DAMN. 111-1113...
• Yes, I rather like this God fellow. He's very theatrical, you know, a pestilence here, a plague there. Omnipotence. Gotta get me some of that.
• Janet: Hi. Cookie?
  Stewie: Well, it's Stewie, but... you can call me "cookie" if you like. Yes, I also answer to "Artemis," "Agent Buckwald" and "Snake." Yes, I rather like "Snake." "Snake Griffin."
• [plucks a banjo] Oh! I feel so delightfully white trash! Mummy, I want a mullet!
• Li: Stewie, come complete our rainbow.
  Stewie: I've got a better idea. Let's go play "swallow the stuff under the sink."
• [to ticket agent] Now listen to me... [looks at agent's name tag] Jo-LENE. I've got an army to raise and I must get to Nicaragua. I require a window seat and an in-flight Happy Meal AND NO PICKLES. OH, GOD HELP YOU IF I FIND PICKLES.
• Brian Griffin: All right, if you're serious about this, I'll go with you. But I better ask Peter and Lois if it ok first.
  Stewie Griffin: Oh, they won't even know we're gone! -Stewie takes out a remote and presses the button. Cut to the inside. Robotic Stewie and Brian emerge from the closet.
  Stewie Griffin: Damn you, vile woman! Blast! What the deuce!
  Brian Griffin: I am a tool! Stewie is better than me at everything including arts and crafts and the guitar. I have no friends.
• Little Girl: Ewww! Your breath smells like kitty litter!
  Stewie Griffin: I was curious!
• Okay, I got it, I got it. If you cooked anymore slowly, you wouldn't need an egg timer, you need an egg calendar.
• [to Peter] When the world is mine, your death should be quick and painless. [leaves]
• [after Lois tries to feed Stewie his broccoli "airplane style"] Damn you, damn the broccoli, and damn the Wright Brothers.
• [to Peter] You. You are the worst thing to happen to musical theater since Andrew Lloyd Webber. [to Lois] Stewie Griffin: And you... well, I just plain don't like you.
• Forecast for tomorrow; A few sprinkles of genius with a chance of doom.
• Well, I'd love to stay and chat, but you're a total bitch.
• [Stewie reads a card and discovers his name written inside as the sender] Did you forge my name? How dare you. Is this backwards "S" supposed to be cute? Oh, I'm going to crap double for you tonight.
• Stewie Griffin: This isn't the first time my small stature has hindered my plans.
  [flashback]
  Auctioneer: Item 157... Global Domination. Enslave the human race. Do I have any bids?
  Stewie Griffin: OOH. OOH. ME. ME.
  Auctioneer: I'll take any bids. $1. Enslave the human race for $1?
  Stewie Griffin: BEHIND THE FAT CHICK. OOH. OOH.
• Waitress: Here you go, fella. From Flappy himself.
  Stewie Griffin: I don't care if they...
  [Stewie is force-fed a bite of pancakes]
  Stewie Griffin: Oh... oh these are delectable. Hey, Flappy. Good news. I've decided not to kill you.
• They're getting nude! I mustn't watch, it's not the proper thing to... Wow! I say, nice ones, Janine! And look at Lisa in all of her curvaceous glory! Heavens, it appears that my weewee has been stricken with rigor mortis!
• Am I to spend the entire day wallowing around in my own feces? A little service here.
• [watching a baseball game]
  Why does that man drop his club before he runs? I would bring it with me.
• I love God. He's so deliciously evil.
• Guy in Chicken Suit: Enjoy your chicken sandwich.
  Stewie Griffin: Enjoy your studio apartment.
• [we see a flashback of Stewie with a normal, round head, jumping up and down on the bed]
  Stewie: I can jump on the bed all I want. You're not my mother.
  [Stewie hits his head on the ceiling, squashing it into its more familiar rugby-ball shape]
  Brian Griffin: Oh my God, are you all right?
  Stewie: Fine. Why do you ask?
• [Stewie is resting while Brian is licking his crotch]
  Stewie Griffin: Urgh, what the hell do you think you are doing?
  Brian Griffin: I'm cleaning myself.
  Stewie Griffin: You were clean fifteen minutes ago, now you're just on vacation!
• I was under the impression the name of the show was "Kids Say the Darndest Things", not "Old Black Comedians Never Shut the Hell Up".
• [after Brian cries hysterically] I guess now we know what kind of dog he is. A "melancollie". [no response] Oh wait. I should have said "chi wa-wa". [still no response] I don't have to [beep] impress you!
• [after Stewie gets taken into an ethnically diverse foster family]
  Indian boy: Stewie, would you like to learn how to wrap a turban?
  Stewie: Why don't you teach it to the Chinese girl? Or perhaps she can learn after her people invade your country.
  Indian boy: Yee, would your people really do this?
  Stewie: Try and stop them. And try and stop Pablo's people from using drug money to buy arms from Li's countrymen who in turn sells them to Ura's people so that they can ethnically clense the rest of this nauseatingly diverse grab bag of genetic party favors you call a family. So now you all understand, yes? You all hate each other!
  [Children start crying]
• How you uh, how you comin' on that novel you're working on? Huh? Got a a big, uh, big stack of papers there? Got a, got a nice little story you're working on there? Your big novel you've been working on for three years? Huh? Got a, got a compelling protagonist? Yeah? Got a obstacle for him to overcome? Huh? Got a story brewing there? Working on, working on that for quite some time? Huh? Yeah, talking about that three years ago. Been working on that the whole time? Nice little narrative? Beginning, middle, and end? Some friends become enemies, some enemies become friends? At the end your main character is richer from the experience? Yeah? Yeah? No, no, you deserve some time off.
• Did you hear that Meg? Guys can marry other guys now. So...this is awkward, but I mean, if they can do that, that is pretty much it for you, isn't it? I mean you as well pack it in. Game over.