How to Win Back Your Husband

I remember when I was a little girl one of my mother's friends received a silver fox fur coat as a gift from her husband (mind you this is back when fur was fashionable and still socially acceptable to wear). My mom went on and on about that fur coat. My mother's friend and husband had a lot of money. My mother and father, however, did not. A fur coat was way beyond our means, yet, that year my father saved and saved and bought my mother a fur coat for Christmas. Did my mother squeal with delight, or even smile, or give a simple thank you? Nope. She complained that it was rabbit fur, which was far inferior to her friend's silver fox. My father was noticeably devistated. He had taken special care to find a rabbit fur coat that was the exact same color as the silver fox. But my mother stuffed it in a closet, never wore it, and complained about it for over a year.

My father spent the following two years saving up again. This time he saved enough to buy her a silver fox coat for Christmas. Surely this time she hugged his neck and was pleased with his efforts? Nope. You see, my mom's friend...the rich one... had a solid silver fox fur coat. The only silver fox coat my father could afford was a strip one. The strips were on a coat of suede. The suede between the strips peaked through in tiny centimeter sized strips when you moved around. I thought the coat was beautiful. Even the strips gave it more of a mink look than a fox. But my mom whined and complained again.

I was 7 years old. From that Christmas I do not remember one present that I received. I do not remember our family's Christmas dinner, or tree, or singing carols. What I remember from that Christmas is my mom's total selfishness and how she broke my father's heart with her constant whining. That Christmas was the absolute last time my father ever bought my mother a gift.

I recently read a wonderful book called Stop Whining, Start Living by by Dr. Laura Schlessinger. I thoughtthat I had learned a lot from my mom's constant complaining. I thought I was a grateful person. I thought I didn't whine because I've learned over the years that most of the time it's best to keep my mouth shut. But, what I was so surprised by in Stop Whining is to learn how much I whined just in my attitude. My husband read my facial expressions and body language as constant whines and complaints.

When I had our first baby, my husband gave me a beautiful flower arrangement and an even more beautiful diamond necklace with matching earrings. When I had our second baby, he didn't give me anything. While I was in the hospital, just hours after delivering our son, my husband told me that he just learned that one of his friends' wives had just had her baby and was a few rooms down from mine. He said he was going to run to the gift shop and get them something. I thought for sure while he was at the gift shop he'd get me something, but he didn't. No flowers, no card, nothing.

Over the next several months I sulked. Not intentionally. I didn't have an attitude of "oh, I'm going to act miserable to get his attention." Instead, I was acting miserable because I was. I had a newborn and a toddler to care for. My husband now felt pulled by work and two kids and that left little time for him to spend with me. I was lonely and felt unappreciated, unloved, and devalued.

Then I read Stop Whining, Start Living. And my attitude changed. My husband might not have given me flowers when I had our son. But, after I read Stop Whining, he brought me a bouquet of flowers on a random Tuesday. I believe he felt more like giving me flowers on that Tuesday than he did when I was in the hospital because I had changed. I had developed an attitude of thanksgiving.

Whining and complaining is really a woman's worst downfall. We are socialized to complain. We complain to our girlfriends about our weight, who are in turn socialized to console our insecurities by then complaining about their own bodies. When a girlfriend complains about her husband, a typical response is to share a similar story of our own husband's less desirable qualities. We women use complaining and whining as a way to bond. Men do not communicate the way we do. We cannot complain and whine to our husbands and expect them to respond like girlfriends with sympathy and comforting words. Men are creatures of action. When we complain to them, they hear a problem that needs solving. When we shoot down their solutions long enough, they decide to stop responding to our complaints, which in turn causes us to whine even more.

There is a reason why in the book The Love Dare, which inspired the movie Fireproof, the very first dare is to not say anything negative all day long to your spouse. Complaining and whining are self serving. When we complain we are thinking about me, me, me. When you're desperate, clingy, and demanding your husband is far less likely to want to please you than when you are grateful, patient, and giving.

The world would be a much better place and the divorce rate a whole lot lower if we'd all learn to do a lot less whining.