Letting it happen is as bad as bullying itself
Yesterday, Honorable Boy 1 told me that his friends were singing mean songs about someone NOT on the bus, so he thought that was okay. "I mean, Mom, she wasn't there to hear it, so what's the problem?"
After I calmly restrained myself from imploding like 3,948 mini-grenades, I realized...HB1 (who will be 8) still didn't quite get what bullying is all about. I spent the next 20 minutes making him FEEL what bullying was all about...and gave him a profound appreciation as to quite how lousy it really is.
This lens will teach you to do the same for your child. Ready? Alrighty then, let's dive into:
Contents at a Glance
- Step 1 - Tell your kids what bullying encompasses
- Step 2 - Show your child this list about bullying
- Step 3 - Walk your kid through what a bullied child FEELS
Step 1 - Tell your kids what bullying encompasses
They might not realize their actions ARE bullying
Bullying is NOT only physical nor is it ONLY emotional nor is it ONLY cyber-based nor is it.....
True, we as adults would say, duh! That's obvious! But if your kids are in the single-digits, they might not realize the insidious ways bullying can creep into their behaviors.
This point was driven home to me with the razor-edged stab of a clueless knife when Honorable Boy 1 asked me,
"But Mom, how could being mean about someone if she wasn't there be seen as bullying?"
He had less clues than a porcupine in a hot-air balloon factory about how actions like that encourage others to be cruel as well.
That really surprised me...but then again, he is only in 2nd grade. Still, though, it made me realize that as a parent, I had better ensure he understood the many ways bullying could happen.
And that led me to:
Step 2 - Show your child this list about bullying
Ask them if they can add more
Bullying is NOT only physical nor is it ONLY emotional nor is it ONLY cyber-based nor is it.....
True, we as adults would say, duh! That's obvious! But if your kids are in the single-digits, they might not realize the insidious ways bullying can creep into their behaviors.
Here are some of the bullying actions I listed for my kid - please do feel free to share yours as well!
Kid taking something that belongs to another person in front of that person
0 points
Step 3 - Walk your kid through what a bullied child FEELS
After telling Honorable Boy 1 that what he did WAS a bullying action, even if the kid wasn't there, I decided that words weren't enough...he should really EXPERIENCE what it's like to be bullied.
So! I sat him down and said:
"Imagine the following. You're the kid with no self-confidence, you're the kid at whom everyone laughs. For you, it's a struggle to get through the day without crying. Every day, day in, day out, you hear the giggles from the other students and want oh so much to fit in, but whenever you try, you're always teased.
Are you imagining that? Okay, how are you feeling?"
Of course, the answer was, "Not very good, Mom."
Then I continued with,
"Okay, let's take it a step further. You're at home sick one day. For you, that's great, that's one day you're not being abused at school. But on the bus, other kids are still talking about you behind your back (and that's beyond cowardly too!). They're singing mean songs that don't bother you, YET, because you don't know about it.
But! The next day, you come into school and you hear about it. Your so-called friends told you how someone ELSE was making fun of you until they couldn't stop laughing. Laughing at your pain. How are you feeling now?"
By this time, Honorable Boy 1 was crying.
Then I closed with,
"And then you say to your friend, how come you joined in? And your friend says, "But I didn't! I just listened but didn't say anything." And then you quietly realize in your mind that even if you're not there, nobody, even your friends, has a nice thing to say about you. Oh, sure, it could be that your friend was scared to stand up for you, but how would you know that? How are you feeling now?"
As you can imagine, HB1 was completely devastated and crying his eyes out.
My point was made. Because I made my child FEEL what a bullied kid goes through, it made FAR more of an impression than simply talk that might go in one ear and fly out the next, waving madly to me as it passed by.
I'm very lucky - I know how to talk to my kids about anything. But if you'd like some helpful books on that, check out:
Fetching RSS feed... please stand byGirls bully differently than boys bully
Did you know that girls bully differently than do boys?
Girls generally tend to go for the throat via emotional teasing, ostracizing those who aren't "cool", gossiping via chat or IM or text and the like, while boys seem to use physical threats more.
One great resource to really delve into this weirdness are books by Rosalind Wiseman. She spoke at my daughter's school a few years ago; it was a very well-presented lecture and she touches on some excellent points indeed (especially the Queen Bees and Wannabees syndrome. Check out her books below:
Step 4 - Give your child coping tips on how to stop others from bullying
Once your child has recovered from the intensely painful emotional journey you took him or her on, it's time to equip them with coping tools for dealing with bullying situations in the future.
Now, what I'm going to suggest is very provocative indeed. You've been warned!
"Teach your child how NOT to enable bullying and be a silent bystander; teach your child instead how to stop the bullying dead in its tracks."
Here's how you do this. First you .....
We interrupt this broadcast with this breaking news!
NEWSFLASH! Your town, your country. When it's your enemy being bullied, what do you do? One girl has the answer.
by Barbara Ling
We've all heard about bullying in school and how children should not just stand by when it's happening in their face. But what should kids do if they hate the kid being bullied?
It was the last week of school, and Tronie, a 5th grade girl was sitting quietly by herself during recess. One of her friends came by frantically to find her, and asked,
"Did you hear? The following kids in class, Jerk A and Jerk B, are going to prank Sammy by putting a love letter in his locker and letting him believe someone liked him and then telling him, Ha ha, you fell for it!"
Tronie thought for a second. Sam was a jerk to her too in the past, and nobody really liked him. Still, though, when she thought about how he'd feel once everyone laughed at him...she realized she couldn't just sit by and let it happen.
Tronie asked some of her friends to come with her to see the teacher, but some were too scared. So....she waited until class started and then asked to talk to the teacher outside. And there she told the teacher what was being planned.
The teacher thanked her and 10 minutes later, called out the instigators. The prank became dead in the water...but it was obvious that Tronie was the one who had told the teacher in the first place.
Later that day, Jerk A got in her face and said,
"You had to rat us out, didn't you?"
and Tronie thought for a second, and responded:
"Yeah. I did."
Then she walked away.
The next day, the incident was ancient history. Nobody came down on Tronie because of her honesty. And when she told her mother what had happened, her mom realized....she (the mom) never would have had the strength of character to defend someone she didn't like back then. But her daughter did.
The End.
The upshot? Tronie is my daughter, and what you just read...really did happen. It showed me beyond anything else imaginable the strength a child can posses.
We now return you to:
Step 4 - Give your child coping tips on how to stop others from bullying
Share your bully-stopping ideas too!
When your child sees bullying going on, he or she can:
Say: Leave the kid alone. This only works if your kid is extremely self-confident and has no problem deflecting teasing/bullying direct to him. My oldest kid, for example, would happily flatten anyone who tried to bully her (and yes, she has my permission to do that).
Tell the bus driver what's happening. Sometimes bullying happens on a bus, and the driver is unaware of it. This works generally if the kids are of younger years; older kids might proceed to pound on your kid in retaliation. Again, use judgement.
Tell the teacher in private. If your kid can't stop the bullying NOW, tell her she should go to the teacher or another adult and let them know what's happening.
Get an adult quick. If your kid sees someone being beaten up and/or bullied and is afraid to intervene (and that does happen), tell him to get an adult/teacher FAST.
Encourage friends to be nice to the bullied kid. Sometimes when bullies see that a kid has good friends, it takes away the fun of trying to make that kid a victim. There is strength in numbers.
Do you have any great tips you'd like to share? If so, please do so below!
Shank the bully in the neck with a shiv. Rejoice over a jar of pruno.
If you see one of your friends being beaten up or more...1 point
Bullied people AREN'T alone - share your childhood bullying experiences
Did reading the above spark what you went through in your earlier years? Or are you dealing with it now in the workplace? Share how you dealt with them below!
lingstar wrote...
After years of being beaten up, I finally told my parents and also told them, the school said I couldn't fight back because I'd get suspended if I did. My folks said, to hell with that, fight back, get suspended, and we'll reward you.
I beat (what's the past tense of 'beat'?) the bullies into the ground the next day, and they never bothered me again. Didn't get suspended either.
Posted June 19, 2009
Other lenses about bullying and being bullied
More reading about kids, bullies and dealing with it all
There are other great resources regarding bullying on Squidoo too! Do check out:
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How to Protect Your Child From Bullies
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I truly believe that it is our responsibility to impart the skills of self-preservation to all of our children. My Book shows you how to do this. For 35 years I have taught kids in inner cities, African townships and rural England, have been the hea...
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Bullies - Are You Bully Smart?
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Many people think that bullying is a common part of childhood, and sadly, it is. Bullies affect almost half of all students in high school and middle school. Estimates by the National Youth Violence Prevention in 2006 say that 30% of students either...
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Bullying At Primary School
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Bullying at Primary School is about everything that I learned when my daughter was bullied at school and gives tips and strategies to use when dealing with the school. I hope your children are never bullied, but if they are then perhaps our experien...
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Middle School Bullying
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Middle school is challenging enough without bullies. This lens shares tips and strategies for keeping bullies at bay. As a parent you will find confidence and hope in this lens. If you should have any questions that are not answered here feel free to...
Some Anti-Bullying Resources
Help your child prevent bullying.
Bullying Clips
News about bullying online
Bullying is showing up online as well via places like Youtube and other video outlets. Look at what's being shared:
Sound off on what you think!
What do you think about kids and bullying?
Share W/Your Friends!
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And that's how I taught my child how to proactively stop others from bullying. I hope you found this page most useful indeed.
Don't be caught like I was and think your child can proactively tell what's bullying and what is not....head future angst off at the pass. Your child will thank you for it years later!
Please feel free to share what you learned with your network...I'll bet they'll enjoy the resources too. Oh, and if you get a chance, if you enjoyed reading this lens, might you rate it up top? I very much appreciate your time, thanks!
Share This! widget code was learned from the post: Squidoo Shameless Plug Widget. Credit - GreekGeek
a_willow wrote...
This is so beautifuly written. Some parts even made my eyes go wet! Blessed by an Angel!
Posted June 19, 2009
EverythingMouse wrote...
This is a very innovative way of getting such an important message across. Squid Angel Blessings to you Barbara
Posted June 18, 2009
Heather426 wrote...
Nice lens on a very important subject. Hats off to you for helping your son that way too!
Posted June 18, 2009
Wysiwigs wrote...
Great lens on a tricky (and often sticky) subject. It is unfortunate that so many kids feel the urge to pick on their peers. You have some wonderful ideas on how parents can discuss this topic with their children. Nicely done! :o)
Posted June 18, 2009
by lingstar
Life...it's Character-Building! 
Welcome! My name is Barbara Ling, and I'm all about:
- Achieving my goals in life by pro-...
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