Strong willed children

I know that these words come out of my mouth at times. Any child can be difficult at times, but a strong willed child is a special sort of child. They will test the boundaries like no other. Don't lose heart. You can learn to tame that wild pony! In time, you can channel all of that determination in the right direction. I know one day my daughter will not fall to peer pressure simply because she marches to the beat of her own drum. I hope these resources help you. I know it helped me from going bald. Pulling out your hair goes with the territory!

You can also check out my potty training tips for strong willed children here: Potty Training

12 Concepts and Ideas That May Be Helpful

1. Make sure you have one. There is a difference between a strong-willed child and a weak-willed parent.

2. If you have a strong-willed child, you are not to blame for the temperament with which your child was born. He is simply a tough kid to handle, and your task is to rise to the challenge.

3. He is in greater danger because of his inclination to test the limits and scale the walls. If you say something is true, your child says, "Maybe, maybe not. I want to experience it for myself." Your strong-willed child will call your bluff. Your utmost diligence and wisdom will be required to deal with him.

4. If you fail to understand his lust for power and independence, you can exhaust you resources and bog down in guilt. Exhaustion and guilt will benefit no one.

5. If it is not already too late, by all means, take charge of your babies. Hold tightly to the reins of authority in the early days, and build an attitude of respect during your brief window of opportunity. You will need every ounce of "awe" you can get during the years to come. Once you have established your right to lead, begin to let go systematically, year by year.

6. A strong-willed child likes to help make decisions. When possible give your child choices. "Would you like to have a chocolate chip cookie or strawberry ice cream?" Give them projects in which they can take charge, like planning the family vacation. A strong-willed child doesn't want to control you; he just wants you to allow him some control.

7. A strong-willed child will only comply with rules or laws when they make sense. Give them a solid reason for a rule.

8. A strong-willed child wants to feel unique and special. He does not want to be ordinary. He struggles against the confines of traditions and conformity.

9. Stay on your child's team, even when it appears to be a losing team. You'll have the rest of your life to enjoy mutual fellowship if you don't overreact to frustration now.

10. Don't panic, even during the storms of adolescence. Better times are ahead. A radical turnaround usually occurs in the early 20s.

11. Give him time to find himself, even if he appears not to be searching.

12. Most importantly, I urge you to hold your children before the Lord in fervent prayer throughout their years at home. I am convinced that there is no other source of confidence and wisdom in parenting. There is not enough knowledge in the books to counteract the evil that surrounds our kids today. We must bathe them in prayer every day of their lives. The God who made our children will hear your petitions. He has promised to do so. After all, He loves them more than you do.

Lord, I beg your indulgence for my deficiencies. Obviously I'm not cut out for the important work you gave me here when you blessed me with this Divine Babe. I'm of the opinion that people should think of themselves as team players. That we're all in this together. That our job is to help smooth the path for everyone around us, not elbow past them and then complain about how they deliberately got in our way.

I seem to remember you saying something about loving our neighbors as ourselves. About turning the other cheek. About strength coming from humility, and how he who would rule must first be servant of all.

How come I can't seem to get that message across? How can I teach her that treating others with respect isn't tantamount to wearing a sign on your back that says, "Kick Me"? How come I feel that the only way to get through to Little Miss Can't-Be-Wrong is with a cattle prod?

I'm tempted to continue the beatings until morale improves.

Thing is, Lord, I want her to be strong. I want her to be her own person, to stand firm in the face of temptation, to speak out when something isn't right. I want her to be able to be a friend when everyone else turns away. To achieve her dreams in the face of daunting obstacles. To believe in something greater than herself, even when common sense tells her not to.

Somehow, though, it seems like the only person she's determined to be is the one as far away from me as she can get.

Do you remember her as a toddler, Lord? I'd tell her she needed to put on her coat to go outside because it was raining. She'd stand at the sliding glass door and scream, "It is NOT RAINING!"

As if the very force of her will could make it so.

You know what's funny, Lord? I bet she could say this same prayer about me. How I get my kicks out of ordering her around. How I hold all the cards. How I go around just oozing authority, and she's so jealous she just has to take me down a peg or two every time she gets the chance.

"Why do you always have to be right?" she snarled the other day.

Lord, help me with this, your Child. She is yours, not mine; gifted to me for just a little while, oh, such a little, little while. She's already so tall she looks stretched. She wants privacy in the bathroom. She'll hold my hand only when no one can see.

She'll be gone so soon, Lord. So soon. How do I help her? How do I guide her? Oh, Lord, what do I do?

I've heard your voice. "Act with love," you told me.

Dear Lord, please help her to know that I do.

Source:http://jennifermoody.mvourtown.com/

PAL is a valuable tool. I encourage you to check it out. The University of Alabama has compiled a list of resources for parents of children from birth to teens. Check them out here

The University of Wisconsin's extension office has a curriculum for a class on spirited children here. I think this could be used individually in learning to handle strong willed children better.

"And a woman who held a babe against her bosom said, "Speak to us of Children."
And he said:
Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you, yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts.
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as he loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable."
--Khalil Gibran - The Prophet

Many of the resources I see on the web are more closely related to ODD than it is strong willed children. Do not get the two mixed up. The strong willed child is not arguing to make you mad. They are so driven by the need to do things on their own that they often seem defiant. As a Professional Counselor, I have worked with ODD children. To clarify, the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual IV (DSM IV) is the standard by which Psychiatrists and Psychologists diagnose children. They label ODD as:
pattern of negativistic, hostile, and defiant behavior lasting at least
six months during which four of the following are present:

1. Often loses temper
2. Often argues with adults
3. Often actively defies and refuses to comply with adult
requests or rules
4. Often deliberately annoys people
5. Often blames others for his or her mistakes or misbehaviors
6. Is often touchy or easily annoyed by others
7. Is often angry and resentful
8. Is spiteful and/or vindictive

Additional criteria include the following:

1. The disturbance and behavior causes clinically significant
impairment in social, academic, or occupational functioning.
2. The behaviors do not occur exclusively during the onset of a
psychotic or a mood disorder.
3. The criteria is not met for a conduct disorder.

Ok, now look good and hard into that mirror. After doing some of my own searches online, I see some negative views on strong willed children, but the examples I'm reading about are not what would be classified as a strong willed child. It's inconsistent parenting (or lack thereof). Yes, they will try you, but you have to get the basics down in order to change your situation. Change may be extremly difficult for some because you are trying to eliminate old patterns of behavior. In order to change, you must practice, and never waiver. That's where we mess up. You see my strong willed daughter is very perceptive. She picks up on the inconsistencies so well. For instance, I might tell her to go to her room, but then I get easily side tracked and forget to follow through on the punishment. There are some excellent books out there on parenting, but you absolutely must be consistent in order for progress to happen.

If your chiId is truly strong willed, I want to stress to you again that your child is seeking independence, and they are not being willfully disobedient.

Photo Source: www.momgrind.com

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